![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 33 to 57 of 57. Go back in thread:
Posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 7:54:53
In reply to Re: get together, posted by JenStar on August 16, 2004, at 17:57:30
Thanks Jen, I'm trying. Its still hard sometimes though (especially since I have to sit beside her 40 hours a week). But the fact that suddenly she's doing the one thing I asked of her has made things much easier, because now I can do my job. I don't know why they decided to grant my request, but I think I'm proving my point pretty well. That's probably why she's mad at me.
I've been reading some psychological self help books, and I'm realizing this whole thing is because our personalities clash, and it would have happened eventually no matter what. I realize now how controlling she is. She has the mentality of: if someone isn't doing things to her standards, she'll just do it herself - and then of course resent it. She's the same outside of work, she has to always be right, have the last word, win the argument, win the game, be the smartest, or get to make the decision. Its funny that everyone here has been telling me that but for some reason I was blind to it. But it certainly says something about me, because I seem to be drawn to the same type of person over and over. At least now I'm a little more aware.
As for the kitty, he's doing fine. I named him Kelso (from That 70's Show). He makes me laugh all the time. I was definitely meant to have that kitty.
Posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 11:48:06
In reply to Re: stuff » JenStar, posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 7:54:53
Okay, now I'm pretty sure she's doing things to intentionally annoy me! I'm almost through with my work, and she gives me her pages to proof that we haven't gotten the picture or copy for yet. I asked her, "Are you planning on turning these in like this?" (Not sarcastically, I thought she may have wanted to show the boss what she's missing, although we don't usually do it that way). She shrugs and says, "I don't know". Anytime I ask a question, that's what she says now. I said, "Well, you have to know what you are going to do." She just shrugs again. Finally I just *stood up to her* and said, "I would really rather not do these until they're finished because I don't want to have to proof them twice". She just shrugged and said, "Its up to you", but I could tell she was really pissed. Oh, and to top it off, she's been playing solitare all day.
Its so hard! I want to stand up to her, but from past experience I know my boss will side with her regardless of the situation. So I try to just go with the flow and not cause any problems. So how do I do that and still stand up for myself???
I'm trying really hard not to let her get the better of me, but I really think she's intentionally trying to goad me. Either that or now that I'm aware of how controlling she is, I'm now noticing these things. Either way, I can't wait until I get another job!! I've just had enough of all this.
Posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 9:14:12
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by TexasChic on August 17, 2004, at 11:48:06
Okay, my boss is back from being out of town & I've gotten all my work done and then some. But about 5 minutes after my boss came in, S asked to talk with her privately. I know this could have nothing to do with me, but I was sitting here waiting for them to come back and my boss to ask to see me privately. But they came back and sat down, then S's boyfriend called, and I heard her say she was going to go home from work. Then she walked out of the room to talk on the phone, and when she came back in she had been crying. So now, of course, my paranoid mind is working overtime, and all I can think is I'm going to get fired at the end of the day, and she doesn't want to be here for it. I guess all I can do is wait and see, but how do I calm down between now and then??
I had a good talk with my T yesterday about all this. She said S is competing with me in work life and personal life. She said I should get away from her, and this job. She said to get a new job asap, because I don't know when I'll be blind sided with getting fired. I've been trying to find another job for months now, to no avail. I just hate being stuck in this suspense.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 10:20:56
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 9:14:12
Slow down.....breathe.....relaaaxxx............
Ok, she asked you to proof something that wasn't quite finished and was non-commital with answers until you were firm (kindly and professionally, right??) which upset her.
Then she asked to talk to the boss privately.
Then she got a call from her boyfriend and came back crying.
It sounds to me like she has something rotten going on in her personal life and any friction towards you might be because you are conveniently near her. Just keep doing the work, remain pleasant and keep calm (I know, easier said than done) and you should be fine.
I'm not sure if I agree with your therapist about this. Mind you, this is only my opinion and I'm sure you tell her more than you tell us, but to me it seems to be avoiding the problem, not dealing with it.
You can keep on looking for another place that suits you more. But in the meantime you could think of this as a place to practice some people skills - dealing with unpleasant people takes a lot of practice - and then if you do end up losing the job you can think of it as a life-skills clinic that they paid you to go to!
Good luck and chin-up.
Melanie
Posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 10:49:31
In reply to Re: Freaking out » TexasChic, posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 10:20:56
Thanks Mel. You could be right about it being a personal problem, but I'm just not sure. And yeah, my therapist does have much more of a background on S then I've written here.
I have done everything humanly possible to try to get S just to talk with me about this, but she refuses. So there is nothing for me to do but move on.
In retrospect, I can see how controlling she is, and how I have stayed upset ever since we've become friends. My T pointed out how I've been feeling responsibe for all our problems, including this one (until now). Plus, now that I've thought about it and see her personality more clearly, I can see what a clash our personalities are. And I really don't think I could be friends with someone who has done what she's done to me. So I am remaining cordial, friendly even, and she's being grumpy and cranky.
They usually let people go at the end of the day, or sometimes the end of the week. So I won't feel any better about this until then. And then I still won't be comfortable. The change in attitude from my boss is really what worries me the most.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 11:48:21
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 10:49:31
Ok, I didn't catch the change in your boss that you're worried about. What is different, other than the work is getting split now?
Posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 12:25:48
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 11:48:21
Actually, my boss may just be in a bad mood because a few things went wrong at work while she was gone. But she seems to be warming up to me a little. I've calmed down now (I took a Xanax), and I'm trying to remind myself that, other than working extra hard, I can't stop what may already be in progress. I've also been trying to subtly be more of my normal self around S, and she's been a tiny bit more responsive (but still kind of cranky). All I care about now is keeping my job, and as much as I hate being fake to anybody (it really goes again the grain for me), I know that if there were ever a time to be so, this is it. So I guess I'll grin (literally) and bare it.
Yall getting any rain down there?
Posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 16:36:37
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by TexasChic on August 18, 2004, at 12:25:48
Being pleasant is being fake? Doing work is being fake? Nah.
It might seem a bit fake to be pleasant to S, but it isn't to hard to be pleasant to cranky strangers is it? And when it boils down to it, she is a stranger, right? Not the person you thought you knew, right?
It's just a few showers down here. Nothing earth shattering. It looks a bit iffy around Abilene, though.
Time to go home.
Posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 9:30:03
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by AuntieMel on August 18, 2004, at 16:36:37
That's a good way to look at it. I guess I've been thinking of it all wrong. Thanks Mel!
On another note, yesterday I got two calls from places I applied at. I always let my voice mail answer calls from unknown people, so I didn't talk directly to them. There's no place to talk privately here at work anyway. I was able to get ahold of one of them after work, and I have an interview tomorrow! I going to try to get through to the other one at lunch today. The one I got an interview for is very close to me, and she told me when she saw my resume she was very excited and immediately took it to someone else to show, and he was equally excited. I was like, wow! The only drawback is it is a small company, and I'm actually trying to get on with a larger company because of some of the unpleasent experiences I've had with small places. But hey, I'll definitely check it out. Big and small companies both have their good points and bad. So wish me luck everyone! Especially since my current work is so unpleasant of late.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 19, 2004, at 11:29:20
In reply to Re: Job interview, posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 9:30:03
Posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 11:38:47
In reply to Re: Job interview, posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 9:30:03
I know I've been posting over and over even if no one responds, but I find it helps me to get it out in a way different from journaling. So I hope yall don't mind, and of course, responses are welcome anytime.
Anyway, I've been remaining friendly to S, and she's pratically ignoring me. There was a time last week when we were actually both being friendly at the same time, and it was better than any of the alternatives. I wish I could get that back.
Now the weird thing is, a couple of weeks ago, S told me about this get together after work. Now I was still angry with her at this point, and I just assumed *she* wasn't going but someone had asked her to tell me about it. Turns out she did go! So now I feel like maybe she was trying to reach out, and I wasn't too friendly in return (I mostly just kind of murmered, "Okay", and that was it.)
The thing is, I know we'll never be the friends we were, or at least the friends I thought we were, but I would like to remain on friendly terms and just chalk all this up to a clash in personalities. I wouldn't be forgetting the lesson I learned, and would not expect us ever to be very close again. But this ignoring business is just hard to take. Plus, recently I've felt she is seeking out our friends to hang out with while intentionally alienating me (this is why my T said she's trying to compete with me in my personal life as well as my work life). What I'd like is for us to be able to hang out casually with a group. I especially want this resolved at least to this extent if I get another job and leave here.
I have been so back and forth with my emotions, I don't know what to think anymore. First I'm angry, then I'm distraught, then angry again, the sad. I talked with my T about my anger, and how I feel I don't know how to *not* bottle it up. Growing up I could never express my anger for fear of abuse. So now I think I keep it in and then I explode into this uncontrolable crying and unbearable pain. I *really* feel like I'm losing my mind in these periods. These are the only times that I contemplate suicide anymore. But I eventually get past this freak out mode, although to me it seems never ending.I have a feeling its because my obsessiveness won't let me let it go and think about something else. My T said to exercise when I feel like this. But when this comes on, I'm feeling less like exercising then any other time in my life. I just wish I could control myself and my emotions better.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 19, 2004, at 13:13:22
In reply to Re: Other stuff, posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 11:38:47
Now how can someone ignore forever a cheerful "good morning?" Can't be done. I predict that she'll come around (as much as she can)
Just remember, though she may not be a *friend* in the 'I trust you with all my secrets and I'd give my life for yours' way, you can still be friendly.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Patience.........
Mel
WX: another damp day. I see clouds to the south. Sure hope some of it comes to my house. We're parched. Sprinkler systems are good for keeping things alive, but just barely when there are lots of trees
Posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 13:43:39
In reply to Re: Other stuff, posted by AuntieMel on August 19, 2004, at 13:13:22
I was asking my boss about a picture and she suddenly realized I had three pages left that were waiting on pictures and text. She told me I was supposed to have handed those in by the 17th with boxes for the missing stuff. I told her I thought she had said to leave boxes and meant for us to hang on to them like we always have. Or course, earlier, when I asked S why she wanted me to proof those pages that weren't finished, all she could say was "I don't know." I knew something was up then, but I didn't know what. Obviously she knew about it or she wouldn't have given them to me to proof and did the little 'I don't know' thing. Now she can conveniently say, "I tried to do it but (T) wouldn't proof them".
I can't believe she could be so mean and spiteful and try to sabotage my job. I have not done anything to her! She's the one who started this. God, what were she doing, pretending to be my friend all along? This is sick. I have tried to get her to talk, I have left her alone, and I have tried being friendly. Obviously the only thing she will except is me losing my job. I sent her an email saying pretty much the above. Of course she had no response which confirms to me its all true.I hope I get that job tomorrow. I can't take much more of this.
Posted by TexasChic on August 20, 2004, at 7:36:42
In reply to Taking a turn for the worse., posted by TexasChic on August 19, 2004, at 13:43:39
Especially since my days are definitely numbered at my current job, thanks to S.
Oh, and I found out why S was crying the other day – her apartment got broken into. And you know, I would never wish anything bad towards her and actually feel a little sorry for her, but I have to admit, I so want to tell her, that karma's a bitch isn't it? Of course, I think because of that thought I had bad karma this morning; I noticed my pants I'm going to put on later are wrinkled, I lost my lighter on the way to the car, and I spilt coffee all on my shirt.
So you know what? I wish her the best of luck. I mean, she obviously has problems. I wondered why she didn't seem to have any other friends.
Posted by Poet on August 20, 2004, at 11:56:55
In reply to Wish me luck on the interview!, posted by TexasChic on August 20, 2004, at 7:36:42
TexasChic,
We both have interviews on the same day, that has to be a positive sign. Wishing you the absolute best. I'll send positive vibes at 4.
Poet
Posted by TexasChic on August 20, 2004, at 12:38:44
In reply to Re: Wish me luck on the interview! » TexasChic, posted by Poet on August 20, 2004, at 11:56:55
We're going to have good vibes floating all over the place!
Posted by gardenergirl on August 21, 2004, at 7:37:08
In reply to Re: Thanks Poet! » Poet, posted by TexasChic on August 20, 2004, at 12:38:44
Posted by TexasChic on August 23, 2004, at 11:03:43
In reply to So how did it go, TexasChic and Poet? (nm), posted by gardenergirl on August 21, 2004, at 7:37:08
Mine went okay. Actually, the interview went well, but I thought the guy I would be working with was kind of a jerk. But I could learn alot if I were to get that job. So we'll see.
The sh!t hit the fan this morning. After S pulled her little stunt of trying to get me in trouble, I tried again to get her to talk to me this weekend. I know, everybody said to just leave her alone, but I felt like leaving her alone was making things worse instead of better. So I wrote her a note saying I was sorry to hear about the break-in, was there anything I could do to help, and can we get together and talk in order to make things go smoother at work. Well, I got no response, I tried knocking on the door but she wouldn't open it, I tried calling her and she wouldn't answer. This morning I asked her what her problem was, and she yelled at me that she was not going to discuss this with me, don't call her, don't leave her notes, and don't come by her house. You know, I don't even want to be friends with her anymore, I just don't want someone hating me for something I don't even know about. Its frusterating. And I think she knows that and is using it.
Anyway, I talked to my boss, she's still being kind of weird, She keeps saying I'm not making my deadline, when I know I did. What can I do, tell her she's lying? But I told her I would really try, and this has just been really hard with S, someone I considered my closest friend for the past year suddenly won't speak to me and I don't even know why. She said she understood, and that it is hard. So I really don't know how to read her, I'm just trying to keep this job until I can get another.
I feel so out of control emotion wise. Why can't I handle this correctly? My boss even said, so she won't talk to you, so what, who cares? Don't let it affect your whole life. Of course that's what I've been trying to do, I just haven't quite got there yet.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 23, 2004, at 12:52:25
In reply to Re: So how did it go, TexasChic and Poet? » gardenergirl, posted by TexasChic on August 23, 2004, at 11:03:43
I have had bosses in the past who told me to "drop it" over my frustration or concern over a co-worker. It is very hard for me to try to work with someone who is openly antagonistic, so I tend to withdraw, quite literally. I put my shoulder to the wheel and one foot in front of the other. If I have to, I take off my watch so I'm not aware of how time is crawling by.
I know we are getting the story from your side only, TC, but so far I can totally relate to your experience. When your supervisor doesn't back you up, it makes for a difficult working environment.
Can you play music in your cube? How about if you start singing arias at full volume? Take your mind off the distraction of your uncomfortable workplace.
Oh, and take a hug. ((((TexasChic)))
Posted by TexasChic on August 23, 2004, at 13:06:25
In reply to Your boss and S » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 23, 2004, at 12:52:25
Thank you so much! I needed that!
I have to admit though, I'm having a problem with no one taking me very seriously. I mean, I don't know what I expect them to do, but who ever I talk to seems like they don't believe my side because 'that just doesn't sound like her'.
Also, I get jealous when I see her hanging out with everyone and excluding me. She's always laughing really loud and stuff like that. She's trying to antagonize me. I'm getting a bit of self control back, and it actually helps that I don't have to talk to her. I think I'll take your advice and bring some headphones up here.
On a lighter note, I hope you had a great trip! You'll have to tell us about it so we can live vicariously.
Posted by TexasChic on August 24, 2004, at 7:44:19
In reply to Re: Your boss and S » partlycloudy, posted by TexasChic on August 23, 2004, at 13:06:25
I know I'm fighting a losing battle with my boss. Her viewpoint is so slanted that I just can't win! So all I can do is keep it up the groveling until I get another job. Ick.
As for S, I've decided to let go of the hate that was building in me towards her. I mean, it only hurts me afterall. I just think she's very troubled and its really kind of sad. I mean, I know I'm far from perfect, but I'm at least trying to work on what I consider to be my faults. S's world revolves around herself and when things don't go her way, she just can't accept it. So I only hope she someday finds peace. Plus, I don't want bad karma, and her house getting broken into after being so mean & hateful to me was just a little too much of a coincidence!
So wish me luck with the boss. I wish I knew how to talk in circles like her and a few other bosses I've had!
Posted by gardenergirl on August 24, 2004, at 8:44:35
In reply to Re: Feeling a little better today., posted by TexasChic on August 24, 2004, at 7:44:19
I think letting go of the anger and frankly, letting go of that friendship are wise decisions. Good luck with your boss. I think it comes with the promotion...that ability to talk circles?
Warmly,
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 26, 2004, at 7:55:02
In reply to Re: Feeling a little better today. » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 24, 2004, at 8:44:35
When I left yesterday I noticed S stayed behind with my boss. This morning my desk is turned around so that everyone can see my screen. Coincidence? I think not. They were moving other stuff too, but my desk did not have to be turned this way to accomodate it. It just makes me sick. But I'm trying to look at it in a positive way. No matter what they throw at me, I'll keep on going with a smile on my face. At least until I get another job anyway. God I hope that's soon. Anyway, you may not hear from me for a while, until I get my computer hooked up at home. So bye for now.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2004, at 9:28:15
In reply to Just to let you know, posted by TexasChic on August 26, 2004, at 7:55:02
TC,
Thanks for letting us know. I would imagine that I would feel really self-conscious if I were in your position. Try not to let it get to you. I think you've displayed really mature attitudes about this situation recently. That must feel good!Hang in there, and we'll look forward to seeing posts when you get set up at home.
Take care,
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 26, 2004, at 10:14:39
In reply to Re: Just to let you know » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2004, at 9:28:15
Thanks GG! When my boss came in I told her how much I like the way my desk is arranged and how I have so much room now. She seemed pleased and told me to tell her if we need to change it so the sun won't glare on the screen. I'm sure S had a hand in this, but my boss said she was worried I wouldn't like it. I think I can totally use this to my advantage. I can prove I have nothing to hide. Right now my boss is in a meeting, that's why I can write now. But I won't risk it very often. Besides, I should be up at home by monday!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.