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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
Sorry to be so blunt on the subject line but didn't know how else to word it.
I am finally at a point where i would like to talk with a friend of mine (died Feb. 2003). She completed suicide and there was SOOO much junk left between us that was never said.
I still have a lot of issues to resolve regarding her but i would like to visit her grave. I know the town where she was living when she died but i don't know the exact date. I know it was within the first two weeks of Feb. 2003.Do any of you have any suggestions of how i can locate where she was buried (if she was buried?).
I have no way to contact her family. And quite frankly i don't think i could face her mom even if i knew how. The last time i saw her (mom) she made me promise to stay in Jayme's life cuz i was a "good influence"- i said i would...i promised. I tried at first...but well, because of some of the rotting issues between us, and inside me i pushed myself away from our friendship. This will forever haunt me.
Though a part of me doesn't feel i "deserve" to, i am at a point where i would REALLY like to "see" her.
I've tried even googling her with obituaries and didn't find anything. i tried getting onto the town's paper's website and it wouldn't go back that far...
Please, i really need to find her. I need to go to her grave and tell her "in person" that i'm sorry. and to talk to her about everything. and most importantly why i let our friendship slip away and to ask for her forgiveness.
I do realize i won't be getting an answer...but i need...want to do this.Any suggestions?
b2c.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 16:59:59
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
((((B2chica)))) I think I would feel it necessary to do the thing you're doing. Maybe I've watched too many tv dramas, but wouldn't the town have a record of her death? I'm pretty sure that births and deaths are recorded in the same department. Though I don't know whether that kind of information can be released.
Posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 17:28:52
In reply to Re: Finding the dead » B2chica, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 16:59:59
Thank You so much for the support pc (and the hug...this one's really hard for me) I couldn't even begin to talk about ALL that was left unsaid and all that created the wall between us. yet she was my best friend at one time, she was Everything to me-my whole world-and i never thanked her for that.
God this hurts.I said little bits to my T and he keeps telling me that i pushed the friendship away as a protection, but that actually just reinforces the selfishness that i feel.
I have many pictures of her in my mind though the last actual picture i have of her was years ago when i was maid of honor in her wedding. everytime i see her face, it's been such a tremendous ache inside me... but for her,
The pain she must have been in....
Why do we have So many regrets, why can we see so clearly only After someone dear is gone?I would think that they should have SOME type of record, the town is only about an hour from where i live but i wouldn't know where to begin. If they would keep records where would i go to look at them. any suggestions? a library or courthouse or something? REALLY sorry about the ignorance on this topic, i just don't have a clue. And whether or not it's released it's at least worth a try.
Thanks pc.
b2c.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 9, 2004, at 19:17:36
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
How about calling the funeral homes in her area? I don't know why, but that would be my 1st place to go.
Posted by ghost on August 9, 2004, at 21:27:06
In reply to Re: Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 17:28:52
birth and death certs should be located at the town/city hall and i believe death certs are public record. not sure though.
good luck. i think this is really sweet of you...
(((((b2c)))))))
ghost
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 9, 2004, at 23:47:39
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
I do hope you find your friend's grave. I know I lost a girl friend that I knew in Junior High School due to suicide too. I couldn't go to her funeral. I just didn't want to remember with wax on her face and a wig. It has haunted me all my life. All of us in that class were seriously negatively marked by what she did to herself.
Posted by kellyr. on August 10, 2004, at 1:11:14
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
if you had any relationship w/ the parents you might want to go ask them, they might be happy to see you since you where friends of her, and it well give you someone to talk to about her when she was alive. do worry about upsetting them, there out of the woods of her suicide and moving on and you talking to them you'll get something out of it too.
take it from someone that been there, my father killed himself when i was only 12yrs old ( june 20 1982) and talking to people that know him helped me over the yrs.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 10, 2004, at 4:39:56
In reply to Re: Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 17:28:52
Try the courthouse where you'd go to pay for traffic violations and get marriage certificates. They should be able to point you in the right direction, or let you know if the info is not accessible.
(I once knew a registrar of births and deaths while living in the UK. Maybe they are still called the same thing here?)
Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2004, at 10:29:55
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
Thank you all so much for your kind remarks and helpful hints.
I at least have several places to start, hopefully one of these places can lead me to be where i need to go.
Thank you ((((ALL))))
B2c.
Posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 11:20:37
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
B2c. Hi. Hows it going? I have no clue as to how to help you. BUT here are my suggestions: 1.) maybe go on a few other search engines and look through obituaries. 2.)Do what they did in "Now and then" and ride your bike (or drive) to the town she was from and look through the obituaries in the library. 3.) Do a computer search on her family to try to find them.
Hope everything works out!
Angela
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:56:38
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
How big is the town? If its not huge, you might try looking up all the cemeteries and then seeing which have websites. That's where I would start.
But chica, you are taking on way more guilt than you deserve! She did what she did and it makes no difference what you did or didn't do. Sometimes you *have* to put yourself first. If you weren't in the right frame of mind to deal with her issues, that's not your fault. You weren't her therapist, so you weren't responsible for her mental well being. I understand wanting to go to the grave and get it all out though. That may be just the therapeutic thing you need to let go of the guilt. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2004, at 13:57:39
In reply to Re: Finding the dead, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 11:20:37
Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2004, at 14:02:49
In reply to Re: Finding the dead » B2chica, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:56:38
It's Big but not like Chicago or anything. That's an interesting idea. Shadowplayers mentioned calling the places, i never thought to check and see if they have websites.
Thanks.And i DO have a lot of Guilt, to me it's all warrented but my T is helping me work through it...but other issues keep popping up so it might be a long process (not being able to talk about this each week).
heck, i'm just a big ball of mess and have about 10 major issues needing to be worked on, never know which one i will be talking about from week to week...yep, i'll be putting his kids through college. Probably Harvard ;^)Thanks
b2c
> But chica, you are taking on way more guilt than you deserve! She did what she did and it makes no difference what you did or didn't do. Sometimes you *have* to put yourself first. If you weren't in the right frame of mind to deal with her issues, that's not your fault. You weren't her therapist, so you weren't responsible for her mental well being. I understand wanting to go to the grave and get it all out though. That may be just the therapeutic thing you need to let go of the guilt. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Posted by Ilene on August 10, 2004, at 14:14:29
In reply to Finding the dead, posted by B2chica on August 9, 2004, at 15:29:31
Try going to a local library that has copies of the town newspaper. If they no longer have physical copies of the paper they will probably have it on microfilm or microfiche. Then read all the obits from the first 2 weeks of Feb 2003, or more, because sometimes obits are delayed. Some newspapers charge for obits, so not all deaths are published.
Different localities differ on access to vital records because of identity theft. The death certificate will not tell you where the person is buried, however.
If you're pretty sure your friend was buried in the town where she lived you might try calling all the local cemetaries, if there aren't too many. Once you track down the cemetary, the staff should be able to locate the grave for you.
Good luck.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 10, 2004, at 17:21:19
In reply to Re: Finding the dead » TexasChic, posted by B2chica on August 10, 2004, at 14:02:49
B2,
I know what you are talking about in regard to the guilt. Everyone of us that new that girl in junior high has guilt. We just didn't think of anything like that at for her at 13. I was actually jealous of this girl. She appeared on the surface to have it all - looks, brains, friends, boyfriends. None of us knew what pain she was hidding under her wonderful personality and smile. Things like this- you just don't ever forget. I am so glad that you have your t to work through this. I think about going to this girl's grave too, but I don't know. It really haunts me, because her 1st name and mine are the same. So, when they announced my name over the intercom at school as being dead. I was telling everyone that I wasn't dead. There must be a mistake. I *never* imagined it was her and she sat in the desk infront of mine in homeroom. I saw her the day before with a friend at a drug store looking so happy. I thought she was hit by a car or something. I just *never* thought this would happen to her. It got to me, esp since I was always feeling suicidal since childhood. Please let us know if you find your friend. I can really understand your feelings.
Posted by B2chica on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:36
In reply to Re: Finding the dead, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 10, 2004, at 17:21:19
This is the end of the thread.
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