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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31
today i talked to a girl from my undergrad, who graduated 2 years ago. (i graduated one year ago.) she told me the FBI sought her out and she's going to quantico to do a post-doc, since they asked her advisor to graduate her early and give her her phd. that's a phd in TWO YEARS. this is UNHEARD OF in the science field, particularly chemistry. (hers is in forensic chemistry, we both have two BS degrees in chemistry and forensic science.) the average is 4-7 years.
i couldn't hack grad school. if i hadn't quit when i did, i would have failed out anyway. my grades this semester were bad enough that i'm not even sure they would have let me return in the fall anyway. i've never failed at anything in school since i began, and here i am, a complete faillure. i feel so stupid. everyone in my classes was succeeding and doing just dandy in grad school, understanding everything they read (i am not a book-learner), and just getting smarter and smarter... i spent the past year forgetting more than i learned.
the hypothetical conversation going on in my head while i chatted with this girl was "so how are you, ghost?" "well gosh, i just got out of the mental hospital because i'm certifiably insane, i'm well-medicated and maladjusted, have no friends, screw up every relationship i start, and pretty well just flunked out of grad school so i sold everything i own and am on my way back to my parents' house. thanks for asking!"
i can't believe i couldn't hack grad school and here this girl is-- the biggest partier i know-- getting a phd in two years. i will probably never get a phd at the rate i'm going, and it's all i ever wanted a year ago. i just feel like such a failure. the school partygirl can succeed, but the school antisocial nerd can't? wtf kind of world is this?
all her achievements make my stupid daily goals of moving crap into designated piles seem... well... stupid. i have to make short lists of stupid goals for myself so i don't freak out and off myself every day, while she's getting tracked by the FBI and handed a post-doc.
some days i wish i wasn't sick. i want more than anything today to be a normal girl.
some days i wish i wasn't an insomniac so i could stay in bed. today i feel like such a failure.
Posted by tampagirl70 on June 18, 2004, at 12:31:27
In reply to failure, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31
you're not a failure!! you have a chemical imbalance and your friend doesn't, that's the only difference. and would you really want to work for the fbi anyway?? :)
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:36:25
In reply to Re: failure, posted by tampagirl70 on June 18, 2004, at 12:31:27
no, actually. i wouldn't. the gov't lies to us.
Posted by lucy stone on June 18, 2004, at 12:40:21
In reply to failure, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31
> >
> all her achievements make my stupid daily goals of moving crap into designated piles seem... well... stupid. i have to make short lists of stupid goals for myself so i don't freak out and off myself every day, while she's getting tracked by the FBI and handed a post-doc.
>
> some days i wish i wasn't sick. i want more than anything today to be a normal girl.
>
> some days i wish i wasn't an insomniac so i could stay in bed. today i feel like such a failure.
You are not a failure, you are just in a hard time in your life right now. I know quite a bit about academic science, since I have been in the field for a long time and am married to an academic. Your sentance about is key, this girl is being handed a PhD. A two year PhD is ridiculous, the only person I know who did anything like that got a PhD in 3 years because she was sleeping with her advisor. This girl obviously had skills the FBI wanted, and they put pressure on her institution to get her out and down to Quantico. That says nothing about your or your abilities. You were trying to go to grad school while you were dealing with all the turmoil in your head it's no wonder you had trouble in your classes. Your life is difficult right now, but I have faith in you. You are the same smart woman who has two BS degress and you will get through this. You will get properly medicated, you'll find a T who can help you, you will absorb the love of your parents, and you will move on with your life. Maybe grad school isn't right for you and maybe it is, but you can sort that out after you feel better.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:59:22
In reply to Re: failure, posted by lucy stone on June 18, 2004, at 12:40:21
thanks. it's nice to be understood. i do wish things were different, though.
interesting that you say she's being handed her phd. after you said that i had to think about it. it sure sounds like she's being handed her degree, doesn't it? thanks for the insight.
it's not fair that some people get handed everything in life and others have to fight tooth and nail for what's rightfully theirs.
Posted by Susan J on June 18, 2004, at 13:04:25
In reply to failure, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31
I'm seconding and thirding that -- YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!
One thing depression/mental illness does is pretty much take us off the *traditional* career path/marriage path/whatever. It's no longer a straight line there. It usually takes longer.
But that really *is* OK. It's tough for you right now. That doesn't mean you are a failure. It means you've been given a much harder task to deal with than a lot of people. And I think you are doing it with a lot of grace. :-)
I hate being depressed, too. I sometimes feel like I've lost a lot of my life to it. But then I try and force myself to realize this time isn't a waste. We are learning far more about ourselves and humanity than most people do. When we do get ourselves back on solid footing, we will be far better off for it.
You can achieve ANYTHING in this life you want to. It may never come as easily to you as it does to some others. But that really does make it sweeter. It took me 9 years to get my bachelors degree, and I know there are people out there who think I'm lazy or a moron or worse. But they didn't know about my parents kicking me out, or my depression, or abusive boyfriend, or whatever. I'm very grateful for my B.A.
And you! You are into chemistry/science stuff? Sheesh! You've got my undying admiration right there, because I can't conceptualize anything scientific. My brain just doesn't go there.
Posted by lucy stone on June 18, 2004, at 13:12:52
In reply to Re: failure » lucy stone, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:59:22
> >
> it's not fair that some people get handed everything in life and others have to fight tooth and nail for what's rightfully theirs.>You're right, life is not fair and that sucks. I wish I could make it not so for you.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 13:16:30
In reply to Re: failure » ghost, posted by Susan J on June 18, 2004, at 13:04:25
((((((((((Susan J))))))))))
you made me smile. thanks.
i think what you said about the path just being a little different makes sense. it's not fair, but it makes sense. it's funny that i tell people that they can do anything they put their mind to but i can't take my own darn advice.
do you ever think that maybe we're depressed/bipolar/etc because we understand people and humanity TOO well? i think about that sometimes.
and really, chemistry is *everywhere*. it's just a matter of enjoying blowing things up. ;)
Posted by Susan J on June 18, 2004, at 13:24:02
In reply to Re: failure, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 13:16:30
>
> do you ever think that maybe we're depressed/bipolar/etc because we understand people and humanity TOO well? i think about that sometimes.
<<Yeah, I think that a lot, too. :-) The curse of the *gift* huh?>
> and really, chemistry is *everywhere*. it's just a matter of enjoying blowing things up. ;)
<<LOL! You're talking to someone who thought it was OK to mix bleach and ammonia..... Hah!
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 16:16:42
In reply to Re: failure » ghost, posted by Susan J on June 18, 2004, at 13:24:02
> <<LOL! You're talking to someone who thought it was OK to mix bleach and ammonia..... Hah!it's a good ideal in *theory*... you know, makes one heck of a cleaning solvent... except for that darned chlorine gas that evolves...
Posted by DaisyM on June 18, 2004, at 16:35:56
In reply to failure, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31
If helps, try to remember that just because someone else does or gets something good, doesn't take away from what you have or can have. There isn't a limited amount of good stuff in the world...so she didn't get your "share" of luck. And it doesn't make you look bad, just because she looks good. You can't compare two lives, you have no idea what her own inner tormoil might be.
She might be thinking, "Oh God, I sold my soul and now have to work for the FBI and all I ever wanted to do was work in a lab and find a cure for cancer..."
What we value in this country is really screwed up. I know, I work with kids. Unfortunately:
You don't get a degree for being a good person. You don't get one for being strong enough to ask for help.
You don't get one for having a sense of humor, even about yourself.
You don't get one for helping so many people here.But you should!
Soooo...I'm conveying on you the first ever (I think) Babble PhD -- Positive Help Doctorate, that is -- and you should be as proud of this as anything you have ever earned.
I believe this degree will make your life richer in far more ways than you can dream now.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 18:31:35
In reply to Not a failure » ghost, posted by DaisyM on June 18, 2004, at 16:35:56
awwwwwwwwww.
awwwwwwwwwwww.
awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
(((((((daisy))))))))
Posted by TexasChic on June 21, 2004, at 8:23:52
In reply to failure, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31
You know, if I compared myself to you, I'd be a failure. I have wanted to graduate from college for so long, but I just can't seem to finish it (and I'm 34!). But I won't compare myself to you. I didn't graduate from High School because of my untreated depression, and now I'm about half way through college. I may never get further than that, but I know for me, its a big accomplishment.
So don't be so hard on yourself, two degrees is awesome! That would be an achievement for anyone. And you did it while trying to deal with so much other stuff! That makes it an even bigger accomplishment! You are, in my opinion, quite the accomplished person.
Posted by ghost on June 21, 2004, at 9:26:25
In reply to Re: failure » ghost, posted by TexasChic on June 21, 2004, at 8:23:52
thank you. thank you thank you thank you.
when i decided to quit grad school i had SO many people telling me that i screwed up, to "rethink" my decision, not to "throw it all away." to "tough it out." i forget what else. it just really brought me down, anyway.
i worked DAMN hard for my degrees that i DO have (let's thank mania and hypomania for them, too!) and you're right. i think that college (grad school, whatever) isn't an option for everyone. which means i don't think you're a failure either.
in fact, this whole thread makes me seem whiny, now that i look at it. i'm sorry for that. that wasn't my intention at all. i guess i was just feeling pretty down. i couldn't see the big picture.
isn't there some history in the world about scientists being insane? maybe it's just a sign i'm following history. maybe i'll win a nobel prize. (HA!! As if!)
Posted by TexasChic on June 21, 2004, at 11:53:54
In reply to apologies » TexasChic, posted by ghost on June 21, 2004, at 9:26:25
No need to apologize! If I worried about sounding whiny, I would never write anything here. In fact, this is my place to whine so I won't drive the people around me crazy. But its actually not whining, that's just how other people (Non-Babblers) interprete it. The people here understand what its like to get these worries stuck in your head, and the only way to get them out is to tell someone. :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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