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failure

Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 12:05:31

today i talked to a girl from my undergrad, who graduated 2 years ago. (i graduated one year ago.) she told me the FBI sought her out and she's going to quantico to do a post-doc, since they asked her advisor to graduate her early and give her her phd. that's a phd in TWO YEARS. this is UNHEARD OF in the science field, particularly chemistry. (hers is in forensic chemistry, we both have two BS degrees in chemistry and forensic science.) the average is 4-7 years.

i couldn't hack grad school. if i hadn't quit when i did, i would have failed out anyway. my grades this semester were bad enough that i'm not even sure they would have let me return in the fall anyway. i've never failed at anything in school since i began, and here i am, a complete faillure. i feel so stupid. everyone in my classes was succeeding and doing just dandy in grad school, understanding everything they read (i am not a book-learner), and just getting smarter and smarter... i spent the past year forgetting more than i learned.

the hypothetical conversation going on in my head while i chatted with this girl was "so how are you, ghost?" "well gosh, i just got out of the mental hospital because i'm certifiably insane, i'm well-medicated and maladjusted, have no friends, screw up every relationship i start, and pretty well just flunked out of grad school so i sold everything i own and am on my way back to my parents' house. thanks for asking!"

i can't believe i couldn't hack grad school and here this girl is-- the biggest partier i know-- getting a phd in two years. i will probably never get a phd at the rate i'm going, and it's all i ever wanted a year ago. i just feel like such a failure. the school partygirl can succeed, but the school antisocial nerd can't? wtf kind of world is this?

all her achievements make my stupid daily goals of moving crap into designated piles seem... well... stupid. i have to make short lists of stupid goals for myself so i don't freak out and off myself every day, while she's getting tracked by the FBI and handed a post-doc.

some days i wish i wasn't sick. i want more than anything today to be a normal girl.

some days i wish i wasn't an insomniac so i could stay in bed. today i feel like such a failure.


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