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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Hi, this is my first time posting here, but I am at the end of my rope. I am incredibly lonely, in life and in this illness. I just got off my anti-depressant because the side-effects were outweighing the any benefit I initially felt. I feel deserted by my bestfriends and family who constantly deride me for being negative when I am depressed and for bringing them down. They say, I am doing this to myself and that I just need to try harder. I abhor myself. I have been chronically unemployed for 11 years since college, while watching my friends go on to have money and success, and most importantly happiness. They can't understand why I can't just get over the past and start thinking positive. I've been thru medication trial after trial. Nardil helped, then pooped. Back at square one. I have no life. I have lived no life. No spouse, no love, no jobs or careers, just a blank past filled with pain and sorrow. And they just see me as not trying, saying they won't help me till I help myself. I have so little self-esteem left that I don't believe I can do anything anymore. I feel my chance has passed. It is so horrible feeling this way. Now, my family wants me to go back to help take care of my grandparents sick with Alzheimer's and possibly cancer. I can not even care for myself. I haven't really had a real meal in days. I stay up all night on the internet looking for answers to my medication problems. I am in such pain.
Posted by fayeroe on April 30, 2004, at 7:01:13
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Tamdon, I'm sorry that you're experiencing so much pain right now. I was married, once, to a man who said my depression was "in my head". duh?
I have a suggestion.....it might really work if you took care of your grandparents!! It would be hard work and it would certainly get you out of yourself and into them! You love them, right? Before my mother died, my daughters loved caring for her. She had had several strokes and was paralyzed and could not talk. They were always very close to her but when they were teenagers, she sorta turned against them, (generational thing) so when they went back in their late 20s and helped me care for them, it was wonderful. All three of us suffer from depression. There is something about helping someone else that elevates me through and past my own pain. Please keep me posted here because I care about what you do. Pat
Posted by rainyday on April 30, 2004, at 7:05:53
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Tamdon, welcome to Babble. You'll find lots of support here, and information about medications that other people have tried. You'll find that the seemingly endless search for the correct combination to haul you out of your depression may be elusive, but with a good doctor and a place like this, you will find it!
There are so many of us who have felt just as you do. Take hope in reading our posts, and tell us more about yourself.
I can tell you that the glimpses of light in depression can become a ray. I cycle in and out of it (today's another good day!) but I know I wouldn't be able to thrive without my medication, my therapist, and the slowly burgeoning support of my family. Educating my family has been the most difficult aspect of my illness, and we have a long long way to go.
rainyday
Posted by octopusprime on April 30, 2004, at 7:51:24
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
hi tamdon
boy i feel for you.
i don't have a heck of a lot of advice for you.
but if you are posting here, i think you want to live, and you want a life that means something to you, but you don't know how to get there from here.what do you do all day? do you like research? what did you study in school?
when was the last time you saw or experienced something so beautiful it took your breath away?
what are some things that make you smile?
my parents have a pug that they got when i was 14. i don't get to see the puppy any more (and he's not a puppy), but every time i see a pug (in real life or on tv), i smile involuntarily.
some days it's enough. one day at a time. we can build lives out of moments strung together - one deep breath, one sunny afternoon, one whispering breeze, one dog playing, one magical trip, one book, one song, one rhyme, one idea, one meal -
welcome!
Posted by TexasChic on April 30, 2004, at 10:20:46
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Hi tamdon. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, but I can certainly relate. Depression is a physical illness, and you can't 'will' yourself out of it. Your family is simply uninformed, which unfortunately is very common. But depression affects your mind and your body, making it difficult to have much of a life. Are you seeing a therapist? That, along with the correct medication has been my lifesaver. Try not to get discouraged and keep trying with the medication. If it helps, alot of us here have been through the medicine merry go round and understand how truly frustrating it can be.
I have cared for my Grandmother for the past 6 years, and it does help to help someone else. But there were times when I was completely overwhelmed by it, so I would think that idea over very carefully. You may need to just concentrate on you for now, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Hang in there and write us back so we know how you're doing.
Posted by Poet on April 30, 2004, at 10:33:19
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Hi Tamdon,
Your internet search helped you find babble, here you may find your answers to medication problems and you will definitely find friends who understand depression.
Write to us, we're here for you.
Poet
Posted by Ivan Michael on April 30, 2004, at 10:43:01
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Hello friend. as you can see, my name is Ivan. a lot of us are going through the same thing. in fact last night my familie gave me another lecture about my future and how i gotta try and all this other stuff. people cannot understand what they have not experienced on their own. they think that they do, but they are ignrant and stupid. they are blind and cannot open up to even try to see our side. i'm sorrie that you feel how you do. i need to ask you to do something for me though. please post when you can and keep me updated on how you're doing. i'll check the posts eveieday like i always do. if you even need a friend, i'll be here. thier are manie other great people on this site who i'm sure will say the same thing. please stay with us for a while. i don't know you but i'd like to. i'd like to learn about and help you in anie way i can. thankyou for taking the time to read my post. i hope to hear from you soon.
Posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 12:51:54
In reply to Re: I just don't know, posted by Ivan Michael on April 30, 2004, at 10:43:01
Thanks, so much for the supportive comments. I have to make a decision about staying at my present place or going home. I will keep you posted.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on April 30, 2004, at 13:28:36
In reply to Re: I just don't know, posted by TexasChic on April 30, 2004, at 10:20:46
tamdon-
texaschic hit it dead on. You have a physical condition as do we all here) and I know well the stigma associated with it. When mine hit me, I was in the almost exact opposite situation you are in now. I "had it all", so to speak. Wife, kids, house, 2 cars, awesome job, great friends, bright future... and yet I still wanted to die. And took steps to make that happen. My children (thinking of them, actually) made me stop. That was in 2001. Since then I have played "musical meds" way too many times (here, try this... no, try this then... oops, try this instead) and faced the same darkness 2 more times. My friends and family were absolutely floored. Why would Scott, happily married professional, want to die? I found out who my "real" friends were during that initial incident. All of a sudden I was a pariah, a loser, and my family was about as supportive as mud.
But know that it CAN get better. YOU can get better.
There are many people on this board who are proof that where there is life, there is hope. Even if you don't feel it or see it, even if you don't believe it or even want to believe it, where there is life, there is hope. You posting here shows that somewhere inside you, you know you're more than you are now. Nurture that spark, and eventually it will become a small flame. That flame feels warm. I've felt it on my way "back" before.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your hurt go away. Because while my situation was different, we both share pain. And one thing we shared specifically is the hurtful ignorance of those in our lives who are supposed to be supportive and caring. Sometimes I wish I had a limp or something, a "physical" sign of this condition, because then people might understand it better. But no... we look normal, sometimes we act "normal", and people just don't get it unless they research it, listen to us, or have been through it themselves.
Don't give up on yourself, even if it looks like everyone else has. You don't know what tomorrow brings. Being around to see it is the best way to find out. :)
Posted by Angela2 on April 30, 2004, at 14:00:46
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Tamdon
I'm so glad you came to this site. People really care here and want to help. I know what its like to be criticized for your problems and I'm sorry.
Hugs
Angela
Posted by fraulein1456 on May 6, 2004, at 21:46:33
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Tamden, Damn the depression. Damn the depression to hell!!! It makes me sick to think of the years I've lost to it. And to read your post makes me very sad because I can see what the depression is doing to you. But remember it's the depression that makes you feel like it's too late and that there is no hope. But that is not reality. Reality is you *can* get better and live the life you want. You have to keep telling yourself this no matter how impossible it seems at the moment. And try not to compare your life to other people. Your life is yours to do at your own pace and your own style. I don't know if I'm being at all helpful. Write back and let us know how you are doing.
Posted by finelinebob on May 7, 2004, at 3:06:33
In reply to I just don't know, posted by tamdon on April 30, 2004, at 5:02:13
Sorry ... long rant ... just my $.02.....
Well, from someone who has moved home to elderly, somewhat disabled parents, I'd just like to warn you that it may be everything and nothing you think it'll be, positively and negatively. All the more reason to do it.
Yeah, there is the chance for you to do some good in taking care of your grandparents. In my case, my diabetic father developed an open sore on his ankle right after I arrived that would have required a nurse's attention on a daily basis if I hadn't been there to do the work, otherwise he would have lost his leg. How did this make me feel? Angry that it fell to me to do it. Tired of dressing the wound twice a day for several months. Grateful that I saved his leg, and having that acknowledged and confirmed by his doctor and vascular surgeon. Thankful that there was something I could do right for a change. It was a mixed bag -- taking care of sick people isn't the most enjoyable pasttime available ... but I was/am sick myself, and finding you have the capacity to heal others can help you convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, you can start healing yourself.
You need to build a foundation, and going back to "the source" may be what you need. A lot of what I do and what I believe about myself, as with most of us, comes out of how I was raised. Moving from New York back to Michigan and my parents' basement, the most frightening thing was the idea of raising some old ghosts. You didn't say much about how talk therapy has or hasn't worked for you. Me? I still call my therapist in NYC every week (SBC's unlimited long distance plan is getting screwed by me!) to help me through it. One thing she helped me realize is that I have survived the traumas that created who I am. Being 600 miles away, I was able to psychologically move away from them. Coming home, I was afraid of somehow reviving them, getting mired in them again. Instead, I've been able to keep my distance from them -- in time, in circumstance, in who I was versus who I am now -- and that has made those traumas more powerless than ever.
The worst thing for me in moving home? I left home 20 years ago, and I'd lived a journey in which finally, after about 17 of those years, I had finally come to a place where I had some hope for having the sort of life I had always wanted to live. That life was taken from me, and I've been scratching and clawing, trying to get it back for the last 2.5 years. Coming home because I had no job, no money, and nowhere else to turn ... it felt like my life was over. That was the worst part of it.
Sounds like you're in the same place.
Well, call me Polly Anna, but there's a simple answer. Took me five months to realize it, so maybe this will save you the trouble.
If your life is over, it's time to start a new one.
If you've read the Hitchhiker's Guide books, you'll appreciate that it's not the answer but the question that's hard to comprehend. If that doesn't work for you, then "There is no spoon". Maybe that will make a connection. Answers are worthless if you don't understand, or even know, the question.
You want to be able to cope with your disorder? Then acknowledge the Beast for what it is. You and I, we're not the "feeling blue" poster children on those Zoloft/Paxil/Wellbutrin TV commercials who are going to start "Feeling like ourselves again" after a few short weeks of popping pills. We have disorders based in our biologies, magnified and expanded upon by our environments and psychologies. YMMV, but the best I've ever gotten from my meds was "traction", as my therapist likes to put it. They give me a solid place to work from. But the rest is up to me.
Meds might help fix your brain, but you gotta fix your head as well. It took me 2.5 years to find the right cocktail of meds, but I have to admit that my current (for the last 5+ years) meds have made the headwork I've accomplished possible ... so I hope you can work that out. Just don't leave it at that, okay?
If you can't be happy being who you are, then stop. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, because being yourself is just about the only thing you know how to do. Being back home can help you see how that happened in the first place. As for me ... since I couldn't find a job doing what I loved so much, I had to accept that I might not be able to do it anymore. I went on to accept that I needed to make a clean, complete break with that past if I was going to give any new path to my life a chance at succeeding.
Yeah, I'm about as depressed as I've ever been. What to do? I really don't care about just about anything and everything. Well, okay, so there are maybe one or two slight tugs at that. Think about it ... maybe it makes sense that a slight tug in my current state of mind would be something I could be passionate about if I was even 50% of what I should be, right? It just so happened I felt one of those tugs looking through the community ed mailer ... a real estate course. It started off as "why not, I've gotta do something before I rot" to something that is starting to look promising. D'ya hear that? "Promising"?! It's a little miracle, compared to how I was feeling two weeks ago.
"Little miracles will build a cornerstone
Next in line to debts of mine
Little miracles are all I own"You still hanging in there, tamdon? Hope so. Hope this does some good. Bottom line: you gotta start somewhere. Going back to the beginning is a good place for all the right and wrong reasons.
This is the end of the thread.
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