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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
I know I don't post over here a lot but I am pretty sure if I posted this on Psychological I'd get bumped so I might as well start it here...
My husband is really, really sick. He has two major illnesses but he has been doing well for over 3 months. Suddenly, things have gone south again, he caught a cold and that set off his COPD, which made his retina hemorrage...and they can't fix it without surgery, which he can't have until he can breathe laying down...
I feel like screaming, "I can't handle this anymore." Instead, I make plans, talk to doctors, keep working, take the kids to school and pay the bills. I'm so calm on the outside it is frightening. I just started to pull myself up out of my own black hole and I feel it swallowing me up again for completely different reasons.
I feel guilty as He** for not wanting to deal with his stuff...and I'm worried that I just can't. And I can't tell anyone this because that makes me the "bad wife." After all, I'm not the one who is sick.
I just need support and prayers. And maybe humor, which usually helps.
Daisy
Posted by KathrynLex on April 13, 2004, at 13:52:05
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Hi Daisy,
I really don't think you should feel guilty for not wanting to deal with so much. You have a lot on your plate and it's probably getting very, very heavy.
It's wonderful that you can still function so well, even with all of the stress in your life right now. It sounds like you need to take a break and do something for yourself. (Because you're doing an awful lot for other people right now.)
Maybe go get a massage or a pedicure...just do something for YOU. It's a lot easier to handle things if you're taking care of yourself too.
Also, if you're not already in therapy, I strongly recommend it. Finding a good therapist can be a life saver. You need someone to vent to and a therapist is the perfect person to hear you out.
You have my support and my prayers.
K.
Posted by fayeroe on April 13, 2004, at 14:00:32
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Daisy~~~I'm thinking of you. I know it is hard to do so much just when you felt like you were getting better....it sounds like you're stronger than you think. But~~it's still hard. Don't feel guilty about your feelings. They are your feelings and perhaps you could find a therapist to go to for awhile? I am starting today with one. Best, Pat
Posted by Penny on April 13, 2004, at 14:19:02
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Daisy,
I think anyone who wasn't feeling a great deal of strain under those circumstances would be someone I would be worried about! I mean, my goodness...
I think that people tend to forget that caregivers and loved ones of people who are frequently ill need as much if not more support than the person with the illness.
I wish I had some magical advice to give you, but, alas, I don't. I do think that continuing to function, as best you can, will be helpful to you - you are probably running on adrenaline anyway, but at least staying busy helps to keep you out of the Pit.
At the same time, you have to be extra kind to yourself right now. And allow yourself to let those emotions out in a safe place, or with a safe person. Sometimes, I think, even 10 minutes ALONE, where you force yourself to take a breather or to think about only YOU for a while, can be the most helpful thing in the world.
Above all, remember that you can't take care of others if you do become sick. So you HAVE to put your wellbeing first. You can't give what you don't have, Daisy.
(((Daisy)))
P
Posted by noa on April 13, 2004, at 14:30:14
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Daisy, how awful! Don't feel guilty for your feelings. It's normal. This is so hard to deal with and these new developments must be so incredibly discouraging.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with such incredible hardships.
Take good care of yourself.
Posted by karen_kay on April 13, 2004, at 14:49:26
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
daisy,
jyl and i are going to shower together. would you like to join us?dear, you are not the 'bad wife' for having those feelings. it is natural to be frustrated. it is very natural. talk to your therapist. get it out. think about what will happen if you do not get those feelings out. that wouldn't be helpful dear. do not, and i repeat, DO NOT feel guilty for being frustrated at the situation. and it is the situation you are frustrated and angry about, not your husband dear. that is completely normal.
and you can handle it. you are very strong. i admire you and your courage. daisy, you are so very wonderful. get your feelings out. take it one day at a time. talk to your therapist and get it out. talk about your anxiety about the situation. and know that that makes you human. and the fact that you are still there is what makes you wonderful. daisy, you truly are wonderful. thank you for being so wonderful. and things will get better dear. i'm sending you positive energy. i still have plenty stored up now. and you get some now.
why did the chicken cross the road?
because he was stapled to a possum.
daisy, want to go shopping? why not bring your handsome son with you? you know, i can charm a snake... just a suggestion :) of course, you'd be buying though. is that ok?
Posted by 64Bowtie on April 13, 2004, at 15:05:33
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
(((Daisy))), I'm always on your side, period. I am however a typical male driven to fix! If its broke, I must fix it! When friends or relatives see me messing with their stuff and "flinch", I try to reassure them by saying, "I promise to fix anything I break!" Hmmmm.... Why do they always recoil in horror? That's not what they wanted to hear? oh! Duh!
David Peck was quick to point out when anyone would say, "I just can't stand any more of this!" that they are tougher than they think. Proof, they have managed this far and are still standing. Perhaps they had the right stuff all along to help them persevere. I find encouragement in his words.
Practically speaking, sometimes toooo much is simply toooo much. I empathize with your situation. I've sorta been there (different details). I can motivate people to spread the load. I ask for help and surprisingly, folks come a-runnin' to help.
Please don't get trapped by your expectaions. Expectations are all one way; toward you. Replace expectations with plans, goals, and options. This is a strategy to ensure you don't give up your personal power. I can explain later if you choose.
Try this: focus on a quest to see something new and beautiful each and every day (cinically speaking, it'll be your daily vacation anyway). Who knows, you might start changing what you think is beautiful once you get a little practice.
Rod
Posted by fallsfall on April 13, 2004, at 15:05:40
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
(((((Daisy)))))
You have so much going on. Can you ask some friends/family/neighbors to help you a little? You aren't expected to do it all alone. It would NOT be a failure to ask for some real active support from real live people who care about you and your husband.
This help might give you a little breathing room so that you don't feel so close to that black hole.
Posted by rainyday on April 13, 2004, at 15:07:48
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Daisy, isn't it odd how relationships change with time - the strong partner needs help and the spouse is bewildered (and angry, and feeling guilty for the anger) at having to shoulder the responsibilities.
You are incredibly strong! You will look back on these days and wonder where it came from and how you managed to cope.
Keep talking through these difficult times - you've had lots of great advice on this thread already. I wish I had had that kind of support and encouragement when I was going through my bumpy marriage troubles.
Please take care of yourself. Cry, yell, release your negative energy, and build your reserves. Talk to a therapist. Be very kind to yourself. You have many many friends here.
rainyday
Posted by Dinah on April 13, 2004, at 20:52:46
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Daisy, my sweet, I'm so sorry. :( You've just got more on your plate than anyone should have to bear. Please don't feel guilty about *whatever* feelings you have. Feelings are just feelings. Thoughts are just thoughts. You can't help what you feel, or passing thoughts that go through your mind. They just *are*. You are doing far more than anyone could expect by doing the things you do. Give yourself permission to feel as you really feel.
And as far as doing what you do, I know that it probably helps you get through it all by separating a bit and just doing what you need to do to get through the day. And that's fine. But if you do slip and scream someday, remember that it's not a disaster. As someone once told me, it's good for kids to see that their mother isn't always perfect and struggles with things just like they do, and how their mother handles those struggles. It'd be tough for them to live up to if you make it look like it's a breeze for you.
Don't forget to delegate wherever possible and keep yourself in good shape. You can run on superdrive for a while, but not forever. Take care of yourself along the way and you'll do better in the long run.
And Babble is always here if you want to scream your head off. Even if Dr. Bob does censor the words a bit. :)
(And don't forget to lean on your delightful therapist as much as you need to, and leave the harder work for later.)
Posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2004, at 22:24:13
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Daisy,
I'm so sorry. My husband has type I diabetes and colitis. I go absolutely nuts when he gets sick. He's relatively young for this, and it scares the pants off of me to think of him as not healthy. Before these dx's he was the healthiest person I know.I know I have to remind myself to take care of myself first in order to be able to take care of him. It's okay to have a meltdown if you need to. (I usually have at least a mini one when he gets better.) Do you have any help, or anyone to get support from for you? I hope your T is also supportive during these times.
Take care of yourself as best as you are able.
Much love, hugs, and wishes that I could do more,
gg
Posted by Speaker on April 13, 2004, at 23:23:50
In reply to Re: How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2004, at 22:24:13
Daisy,
I felt the same way when my husband was so sick...he had a stroke and congestive heart failure at the age of 36. I felt like I was a yo-yo!!! The illness had so many ups and downs and yet I had to keep things going smooth...it made me mad (of course I couldn't tell anyone or show it). Please keep posting what you are feeling it IS VERY NORMAL...not that it matters. Please don't feel like the "bad wife" - you are a great wife because you love you family so much you keep it going and give your children a sense of normal among the abnormal. Take care of YOU!!!!
Posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 23:24:10
In reply to Re: How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2004, at 22:24:13
thanks for the support, I really needed it today. "We" are not in the hospital yet, maybe tomorrow if the lungs get worse. He has an MD appointment, which happens to conflict with my therapy appointment. He says he'll go alone and then pouts. I *want* to be in two places at the same time. I'll probably give up my appointment.
I had my melt-down in the car by myself today. So I'm contained again for now. As far as being superwoman, I've been doing that along time, which is how I wound up in therapy and here. I'll try not to let it pull me down too far this time. No promises, I'm still learning there are limits.
This is just such a long, awful process. Living with someone who is chronically ill, and coughing ALL THE TIME, is so hard. No one sleeps and the kids get anxious. And the steriods make everything worse.
OK, enough pity-party. Thanks again for the support.
Daisy
Posted by All Done on April 13, 2004, at 23:42:34
In reply to Thanks -, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 23:24:10
(((((Daisy))))),
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish I knew how to make it easier for you.
If you can't let your husband go to the doctor on his own, can you reschedule with your T? Or maybe have a phone session? I really wish you could work that out. It seems you need him right now.
And, as always, we're here when you need us.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by Raindancer on April 14, 2004, at 16:26:13
In reply to How Do I stand it...Again?, posted by DaisyM on April 13, 2004, at 13:32:49
Dear Daisy, I am so sorry that your husband is so ill and you have so much to face. You are doing a grand job of keeping everything going and should feel proud of yourself. I am filled with admiration at your determination and sheer guts. Try, if possible, to take each day (or even hour) at a time and fit in some small rewards...a warm bath, chocolate....... Your T will support you, bless him, as will everyone here. My thoughts and prayers are for you. Raindancer x
P.S. I bought the Robert Akeret book (don't understand about double double quotes - sorry Dr.Bob) and really enjoyed it. Thank you so much.
Posted by DaisyM on April 14, 2004, at 19:27:02
In reply to Re: How Do I stand it...Again? » DaisyM, posted by fayeroe on April 13, 2004, at 14:00:32
Pat,
thanks for the support. I noticed you said you were starting with a new Therapist yesterday. How did it go?Relationships take time. I'm so glad I have mine, I hope you find one just as good.
Daisy
Posted by DaisyM on April 14, 2004, at 19:58:43
In reply to Re: How Do I stand it...Again? » DaisyM, posted by noa on April 13, 2004, at 14:30:14
Thanks again to all of you for all the kind words and support. I answered you all individually in my head and heart.
Things are not better today but not too much worse. We are managing the breathing stuff at home still, though I must say it is making me very nervous. There is nothing to be done about the eye until the lungs get better so we will just have to wait.
I called my Therapist this morning to tell him why I couldn't come today. He pretty much pitched a fit...reminded me of how fragile I had been recently and told me I needed to take care of myself and make time for me (sounds like you guys)and also said that therapy was not a self-indulgent luxury, that he thought it was a necessity for me right now. Then he added, in his most gentle voice, that he was worried about me and knew if he didn't insist on a face-to-face visit, I would allow my husband's illness to swallow me up again. So, we both juggled our schedules so I could come in later and he let me keep the cell phone on in case of an emergency.
We spent the session talking about how hard it was for me to "take in" support. And he told me how important it is for me not to deny what I'm feeling and not discount how hard it is to not be able to fix this. He also wondered if my fears of abandonment weren't being triggered, because even if he couldn't help it, if (when) my husband dies, he will essentially have left me. So we talked about anger and the guilt that inevitable follows.
It was a good session, he did a lot of talking, and reminded me about a million times that he is MY Therapist so he was interested in how *I* was doing...and he said if it seemed like he was putting me before my hubby -- he was, because he knew I wouldn't! :) He also (gently) insisted on keeping tomorrow's session too. Secretly, (don't tell anyone!) I'm really glad.
So, thanks to again to all of you who advised using my Therapist. I'm glad I posted here and I'm glad I kept my session. It is nice to have you guys to lean on.
Posted by fallsfall on April 14, 2004, at 21:15:34
In reply to Another Update, posted by DaisyM on April 14, 2004, at 19:58:43
I'm really glad you could see him today. And I'm really glad you will see him tomorrow.
Listen to your "nervousness". When you can't stand it anymore, take your husband to the hospital. We *know* when someone we love is in trouble. I hope the breathing gets better soon.
Have you been able to find any other support? Someone to sit with him while you go to see your therapist, so that you know he will be taken care of? Please ask people for some help. If nothing else, you need to know that you aren't alone. (We're here, but you also need live people who can give you a hug)
Take care of yourself,
I'm thinking of you
Falls.
Posted by Speaker on April 14, 2004, at 22:26:29
In reply to Re: Another Update » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on April 14, 2004, at 21:15:34
Daisy,
I am proud of you for working it out so you could see your T...he is right. It's better to face all of this now and not push yourself aside taking care of everyone else. I did that and it takes a lot longer to work through and ultimatly I think it's harder on everyone else around. I'm glad your T is so caring and is there for you. Keep taking care of you! I always felt a bit of relief when my husband was in the hospital...and I felt guilty for that, but the stress of caring for them when they can't breath is overwhelming...I'm so sorry.
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2004, at 18:27:17
In reply to Thanks, how did your appointment go? » fayeroe, posted by DaisyM on April 14, 2004, at 19:27:02
> Pat,
> thanks for the support. I noticed you said you were starting with a new Therapist yesterday. How did it go?
>
> Relationships take time. I'm so glad I have mine, I hope you find one just as good.
> DaisyDaisy~~~thanks for the interest. she re-scheduled me....so i went back on thursday...then she played some awful music and tried to relax me. and i was SO ready to talk and had to sit there with my eyes closed and listen to the "relaxation" stuff...i was very disappointed. i wanted to talk and get some stuff out.....not~~~~i'll try her again and see how the second visit goes.
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2004, at 18:29:34
In reply to Another Update, posted by DaisyM on April 14, 2004, at 19:58:43
Daisy, your therapist sounds wonderful!! I'm so glad that he took charge and talked you into going in for your session. You have to take care of yourself, girl!!!!!xoxox
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