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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:18:37
My friend just sent this to me. Thought it was funny. :-)
Diary
As seen in a dog's diary:8am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am - Oh boy! A walk! My Favorite!
11am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
1pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
2pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
3pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
4pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
5pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
------------------------------------------------
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded! -- must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit.The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Posted by rainyday on March 18, 2004, at 8:37:02
In reply to Dog and Cat Diaries, posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:18:37
Thank you! I sent this to everyone I know - all 5 of 'em :)
A great laugh.
Posted by Penny on March 18, 2004, at 8:40:15
In reply to Dog and Cat Diaries, posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:18:37
A friend sent this to me yesterday, in following with the pets theme:
Memo to All Pets
* Dear Dogs and Cats, when I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
* The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish; nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
* The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
* I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
* For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
* The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
Posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:43:34
In reply to Memo to all pets, etc., posted by Penny on March 18, 2004, at 8:40:15
LOL! Too funny! :-)
Posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:45:03
In reply to Re: Dog and Cat Diaries, posted by rainyday on March 18, 2004, at 8:37:02
Thanks. I know I risked starting a spam type column, but I was just rolling on the floor laughing at this stuff. And I rarely laugh, so it was worth it. Hope it makes others smile.
> Thank you! I sent this to everyone I know - all 5 of 'em :)
>
> A great laugh.
Posted by Wildflower on March 18, 2004, at 9:30:05
In reply to Dog and Cat Diaries, posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:18:37
Thank you.
I very rarely laugh out loud (literally) but this was hilarious!
I always suspected that my cat was secreting plotting something... ;-)
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 18, 2004, at 13:27:53
In reply to Dog and Cat Diaries, posted by Susan J on March 18, 2004, at 8:18:37
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 19, 2004, at 21:43:44
In reply to All my friends are getting a copy of this...WOW (nm) » Susan J, posted by 64Bowtie on March 18, 2004, at 13:27:53
Here is another little bit you might like. I got it a couple of years ago.
How to Wash the Cat
--
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape).
CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING OUT FOR ANY SURFACE THEY CAN FIND. NOTE: THE CAT WILL SELF AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM THE TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people betweenthe toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
Posted by noa on March 20, 2004, at 12:43:07
In reply to How to wash the cat., posted by deirdrehbrt on March 19, 2004, at 21:43:44
Thanks, you guys. These were really funny!!! I did get a good therapeutic laugh out of these.
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