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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 20:38:50
My cousin, M, called me this morning to let me know that she was in town (she lives about 2.5 hours away) b/c her 11-year-old son is in the psych ward child unit at the hospital at the university where I work. This is the kid's 4th hospitalization in 3 years. But I'm glad if he's anywhere, he's at the hospital here, b/c the other ones he's been in have shown me nothing positive.
Anyway, I went to see him this evening, and the poor kid is soooo angry with the world. And I was pleased with the nursing staff there - they seemed genuinely caring and good natured. And knowledgeable. I talked to one of the nurses for a good while before I left - my cousin M had gone back home earlier today b/c she had to work tonight, and she won't be back until next week sometime - so I was able to have a private conversation with the nurse. I told her that M has so many problems, many of them resulting from a tumultuous childhood, and now her children are suffering, but she doesn't think she has a problem and, therefore, doesn't think she needs help. And when I say problems, I mean lots of problems. Part of me feels sad for her, b/c I remember some of the s**t that happened to her growing up, but part of me thinks, ya' know, she's 30 years old, twice married, two kids, and it's time for her to start trying to get her act together. No, it's not gonna be an overnight fix. And it may not be a fix at all. But at least she would be *doing something* to help herself, instead of just falling deeper and deeper into a black hole and dragging the kids with her.
M told me this morning when she called that someone reported her to Social Services. Wasn't me, though I've thought about it. But last time they were involved, it didn't do any good anyway, so what's the point?
So, I'm going back to see M's son tomorrow, and the next day and the next, and every day (hopefully) until he's discharged. Which likely won't be anytime soon.
:-(
P
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 13, 2004, at 20:59:42
In reply to Stressful day... :-(, posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 20:38:50
Penny,
It sounds that there is one lucky boy at the university where you work. Your cousin is lucky as well.
I think that when social services gets involved, it can either be tumultuous or it can truly help a family. It depends, I think, on how the family recieves the help. If they are argumentative and unwilling to co-operate, then of course Social Services will do things that will be seen to the family as cruel. They have to protect the children. If they see though that a family is trying to work through the problems then they might be a bit more inclined to help and to keep the family together. No matter what people have heard about Social Services, they really aren't out to destroy families. They do see a lot of really bad situations, and sometimes their judgement is seen through those lenses.
Good luck to all of you, but especially that 11 year old boy.
Dee.
Posted by fallsfall on February 13, 2004, at 21:03:45
In reply to Stressful day... :-(, posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 20:38:50
He is lucky to have a caring person like you to look after him. Remember how important the consistency of a therapist is? You can be consistent for him and make a big difference in his life, even if your cousin never changes.
Posted by pegasus on February 13, 2004, at 22:55:46
In reply to Stressful day... :-(, posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 20:38:50
Oh, Penny, that's so sad. And I'm so glad that you are able to visit your cousin's son every day. I'm sure it'll be important to him, especially since his mother can't be there. Although, at that age, and considering the anger you say he has, I'm sure it won't be a picnic for you or for him.
Take care of yourself during all this, and know that you're doing a really really good thing. I hope things turn out as well as possible for your cousin, her son, and you.
(((Penny)))
- p
Posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 23:53:55
In reply to Re: Stressful day... :-(, posted by deirdrehbrt on February 13, 2004, at 20:59:42
Actually, I'm frustrated with social services because they have left that child with his mother all this time, when he should have been removed from her custody a long time ago. When they were involved before, it was as though b/c he didn't have visible bruising - he's emotionally abused - they couldn't do anything. So the social worker that was assigned to my cousin's case didn't seem to be working for the best interest of the children - she seemed to be just doing whatever the mother wanted her to do. It was as though she didn't take anything anyone else told her into consideration - she believed what M told her without question. M can be pretty manipulative. It's how she's learned to survive. And I'm sure she 'loves' her son in her own way - but I'm not sure she can really love anyone. I'm not sure she's capable of feeling that emotion. I know that probably sounds harsh, but I think she's been so emotionally traumatized that she's actually incapable of tapping into her emotions. She can be the coldest person, and then can turn on warmth when the occasion arises - but none of the warmth is sincere. I don't know - I don't trust her. Not one bit. And, at the same time, I wish I could do something for her. But she needs more help than I could ever give her. She needs to recognize her own problems, even if she's not clear on what they are, just recognize that she has some, and then she needs to try to get help for that.
When M talks to someone, even about her children, it always ends up being about her. She has a way of turning herself into the victim in whatever story she's telling. Yes, she has been hurt a great deal in her life, but I think she honestly believes that she's not responsible for any of the bad situation she finds herself in today. But what's worse is that she doesn't acknowledge the effect it has on her kids.
I don't know - she's a tough one to figure out. I know that there used to be a little girl in there who was loving caring and kind, but I don't know what happened to her. And as much as I would like to see M get the help she needs, I want to see the cycle end with her children even more. But until someone with authority steps up to the plate and does something - forces the cycle to end by taking M's kids from her to protect them - it's gonna continue.
It's all very frustrating. And I agree that social services has the capability to create good change in families. But in this case, they've really fallen down on the job.
P
Posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 23:57:17
In reply to Re: Stressful day... :-( » Penny, posted by fallsfall on February 13, 2004, at 21:03:45
I've tried to be consistent - but whenever his mother disagrees with me on, well, anything she considers important, she disappears - moves, changes her number, doesn't tell anyone in the family where she is or how to get in touch with her. I had last spoken to her son in November of 2001, only to not speak with him again until this past December, when he showed up at my grandmother's on Christmas. M cut off all contact with the family for 2 years, but then, all of a sudden, resurfaced and started calling and visiting and whatnot. And as I told the nurse I was speaking to this evening, my concern with telling people on the treatment team what I know is that M will find out and then won't let me see her son anymore. Which means I can't be there for him, even if I want to be.
But, in the meanwhile, I'll do what I can. It's just difficult.
Thanks, falls.
P
Posted by Penny on February 14, 2004, at 0:00:37
In reply to Re: Stressful day... :-(, posted by pegasus on February 13, 2004, at 22:55:46
Yeah, even though he didn't make eye contact with me and didn't smile even a little, I could tell he was glad I was there - he let me rub his back and hold his hand and so forth. And when I had to leave, he didn't want me to, but I asked if he wanted me to come back tomorrow and he said, "Yeah."
It hurts me, though, to ask him, "So, did your mom say when she was coming back?" and his answer was, "No. Just sometime next week." I wonder if she'll even call him everyday. I doubt it. She didn't even see him that often when he was hospitalized the first time, when he was 8. I know that in some cases parental visits aren't encouraged, but that wasn't the case at the time. She just didn't have the time to visit her son. He was about 45 minutes away.
But anyway...
Thanks, peg.
P
Posted by Dinah on February 14, 2004, at 8:59:04
In reply to Re: Stressful day... :-( » fallsfall, posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 23:57:17
Oh, Penny. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for you. :( The kids mean so much, and it just infuriates me when they are with people who don't put them first.
It sounds as if he appreciated your being there for him, and I know that you will be as much as you are allowed to.
Perhaps since he is in the psych hospital, this one will be able to do something about the family situation. Sigh.
Have I told you lately how much I like you? And what a good decent person you are?
Posted by All Done on February 14, 2004, at 9:39:25
In reply to Stressful day... :-(, posted by Penny on February 13, 2004, at 20:38:50
>>(From Dinah) Have I told you lately how much I like you? And what a good decent person you are?
I'm with Dinah, Penny! You're cousin's son and your cousin are so lucky to have you. And we are, too! Thanks for being around so much lately and offering such wonderful support.But don't forget to take time for yourself - here's a big Valentine's hug for you
(((((Penny)))))
Posted by Penny on February 16, 2004, at 9:36:38
In reply to Re: Stressful day... :-( » Penny, posted by All Done on February 14, 2004, at 9:39:25
First of all - thanks all for the kind words and concern. You all are wonderful...
Second - I saw him on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and there was improvement each day. I'm going to see him again at lunch today. He's definitely been glad to have me visit him - he never wants me to go when I have to go. His mom is supposed to come back on Wednesday - not sure when he'll be discharged. I hope he's not there too long, but I also hope he's there long enough for it to be beneficial.
I'm impressed with the staff and nurses in the child unit. A grand improvement over the other places he's been, for sure. He agrees. I think he's finally starting to maybe understand that his admission to the psych ward isn't a punishment but a way of getting help.
Thanks again, all.
P
Posted by pegasus on February 16, 2004, at 14:30:11
In reply to Re: Thanks, and update., posted by Penny on February 16, 2004, at 9:36:38
That sounds so hopeful! I'm glad to hear that he's been appreciating your visits, and even the help of the hospital. What a hard situation. I'm sure you're not exactly thrilled about him going home with his mom. Although, in cases like this, it's tough either way. I hope his improvement continues and that you feel good about your ability to help.
- p
Posted by Dinah on February 16, 2004, at 17:34:57
In reply to Re: Thanks, and update., posted by Penny on February 16, 2004, at 9:36:38
Penny, that's great. I hope he's able to open up and maybe get some help with his home situation too.
And maybe he'll know somewhere in the back of his mind that his Aunt Penny is someone he can call if he needs to.
Posted by Penny on February 17, 2004, at 14:01:23
In reply to Re: Thanks, and update. » Penny, posted by Dinah on February 16, 2004, at 17:34:57
Spoke with his mom (my cousin M) last night - feeling quite disturbed about what she had to say. He was more down yesterday. She doesn't know if she's coming back here to see him this week or not - thinks this is all an act he's putting on - but I think my god, he's only 11. I know what some children are capable of - but if they are, it's b/c they have problems. She doesn't see that - thinks he's a bad kid and she's not remotely responsible.
I need to talk to the social worker. If I can possibly do anything, I would prefer he didn't go back to his mom when he leaves the hospital. I even recommended to her last night perhaps sending him to a therapeutic group home or residential facility. There's a good one where I used to live - I volunteered there. I just hate to see him go through this...
P
Posted by All Done on February 17, 2004, at 14:43:24
In reply to Re: 'Nother update real quick..., posted by Penny on February 17, 2004, at 14:01:23
Seems to me everyone can use some hugs.
(((Penny)))
(((Penny's little cousin)))
(((Penny's big cousin)))It's such a shame that your cousin's son has to deal with this at such a young age (or any age, for that matter). I hope everything works out the best way possible for him. And may I reiteriate - he is so lucky to have you.
This is the end of the thread.
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