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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 9:30:19
Back when I was a kid, my younger brother was diagnosed as dyslexic. My mom read everything she could on it and took him to extra tutoring classes and stuff to help him. Great.
He was also diagnosed as ADD. Mom again read everything she could on it, set schedules for him, monitored diet, and helped him with school problems. Great.
Brother is going through horrible separation where his wife just left him. He's devastated. The whole family's devastated. Mom reads tons of books, like "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" Great.
I have been suffering from very serious depression, which is a new thing in my family, not dealt with before. I've been nonfunctional at times, suicidal at times, and this past episode has done some lasting damage to my finances and credit rating, as well as my job performance. I've shared this problem with my mom because there was no way I could hide it. Told her about therapy and meds I'm taking and al that.
She doesn't do anything to learn about depression or help me through it. She *is* supportive of me in her own way, and I know she loves me and doesn't want me to be depressed. But she also tells me drugs are unnecessary and docs overprescribe them anyway. She tells me, basically, to get over it. Now that it's been 2 years it's really wearing on her nerves (my words, not hers, I can tell by her exasperation at my *troubles*).
Tell me how to *not* take this personally.
?
Susan
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 8, 2003, at 9:43:09
In reply to This is a Rant about the Family, posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 9:30:19
> Back when I was a kid, my younger brother was diagnosed as dyslexic. My mom read everything she could on it and took him to extra tutoring classes and stuff to help him. Great.
>
> He was also diagnosed as ADD. Mom again read everything she could on it, set schedules for him, monitored diet, and helped him with school problems. Great.
>
> Brother is going through horrible separation where his wife just left him. He's devastated. The whole family's devastated. Mom reads tons of books, like "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" Great.
>
> I have been suffering from very serious depression, which is a new thing in my family, not dealt with before. I've been nonfunctional at times, suicidal at times, and this past episode has done some lasting damage to my finances and credit rating, as well as my job performance. I've shared this problem with my mom because there was no way I could hide it. Told her about therapy and meds I'm taking and al that.
>
> She doesn't do anything to learn about depression or help me through it. She *is* supportive of me in her own way, and I know she loves me and doesn't want me to be depressed. But she also tells me drugs are unnecessary and docs overprescribe them anyway. She tells me, basically, to get over it. Now that it's been 2 years it's really wearing on her nerves (my words, not hers, I can tell by her exasperation at my *troubles*).
>
> Tell me how to *not* take this personally.
>
> ?
>
> SusanSooz, everybody in a dysfunctional family gets a role...like in a play. The role takes the place of the person inside....that's the simplest way I can say it.
The single most helpful book I ever read in my whole life was by John Bradshaw..."Bradshaw On: The Family"
I hope that link works....there is also a revised version of the above, but I haven't read it.
Your being ignored in your depression is not about you Sooz (and it never was), it's about your role in the family.
Me, I'm the scapegoat. It was always my fault, even when it wasn't my fault....it was just my role. It's hard to figure out, but it is figure-outable.
Hugs,
Lar
Posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 9:49:57
In reply to Re: This is a Rant about the Family » Susan J, posted by Larry Hoover on December 8, 2003, at 9:43:09
Thanks, Lar.
You always come up with the most interesting stuff. :-) I'll definitely read the book, cuz now I'm dying to know what my *role* is in this family.
Happy Monday! (I'm trying to fool myself into it, so I thought I'd try the same on you).
Susan
Posted by fallsfall on December 8, 2003, at 13:16:29
In reply to This is a Rant about the Family, posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 9:30:19
Another possibility is that your mother has depression, too. But she has never been treated for it. She muddled through and she thinks she's fine - so she expects you to do the same thing.
I didn't recognize depression in my mother. My therapist was talking to my pediatrician at one point and he said that he remembered my mother as being depressed, and me as a "sad child". I didn't have a clue until he said that.
Posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 13:36:22
In reply to Re: This is a Rant about the Family » Susan J, posted by fallsfall on December 8, 2003, at 13:16:29
Hi,
I wouldn't be surprised. I've often thought my mother is depressed. But she denies denies denies. She's mean and cranky and obviously unhappy in life. And who am I to argue? I'm not in her head. But then she says stuff like I'm weak to be taking drugs and she'd *never* do that....
Usually it doesn't bother me. Sometimes, though, it's a sensitive area and she can just push my buttons...
That's what family's for, eh? (Larry imitation right there...) :-p
Susan
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 9, 2003, at 6:14:55
In reply to Re: This is a Rant about the Family » Susan J, posted by Larry Hoover on December 8, 2003, at 9:43:09
> Sooz, everybody in a dysfunctional family gets a role...like in a play. The role takes the place of the person inside....that's the simplest way I can say it.
>
I think that is so elegantly said. what great insite. I too will look for that book. You are a good counselor...
> The single most helpful book I ever read in my whole life was by John Bradshaw..."Bradshaw On: The Family"
> Me, I'm the scapegoat. It was always my fault, even when it wasn't my fault....it was just my role. It's hard to figure out, but it is figure-outable.
>
Did this book and the knowledge liberate you from this role? I enjoy the original ideas and links you come up with.
thanks
Jai Narayan
Posted by lookdownfish on December 9, 2003, at 9:34:02
In reply to This is a Rant about the Family, posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 9:30:19
It occured to me when I read your post that maybe your mom feels guilty about your depression. Ok she wouldn't admit it, but deep down she might feel somewhat responsible. It is widely understood even by people who have no particular interest in the topic that problems such as depression are stemmed from childhood and our relationships with our parents, so she must have made the link. So its this unconscious guilt that is wearing her down, maybe?
Posted by Susan J on December 9, 2003, at 13:16:26
In reply to Re: This is a Rant about the Family » Susan J, posted by lookdownfish on December 9, 2003, at 9:34:02
Hi,
> It occured to me when I read your post that maybe your mom feels guilty about your depression. Ok she wouldn't admit it, but deep down she might feel somewhat responsible.
<<Yeah, that's entirely possible. She's always accused me of holding grudges and always gets exasperated when talking about psychological issues and how it's *always the mother's fault.!*I'd like to think I've forgiven her for not being the type of parent I wanted and I try to live in the present, but I'm sure I'm not perfect, and even if I don't actually say something to her, she probably can tell when I'm angry.
I don't blame her for my depression at all. I really think it's chemical. I *do* think our family has some serious behavioral issues that could be improved, but my mother is dead set against that. She keeps saying our family is *really close* and that family is *important* to us (well, except to me, she thinks). Dr. Phil says, *you can't change what you don't acknowledge.*
Thanks for being supportive. I need to just learn to let these things go.....
S.
Posted by sarita0001 on December 9, 2003, at 15:49:28
In reply to This is a Rant about the Family, posted by Susan J on December 8, 2003, at 9:30:19
Hi,
That sounds so much like my mom it's scary! I think some mothers don't know what to do when their kids are depressed or have other emotional problems. In my case and maybe in yours, mom stays away from it because she thinks it might be her fault or something she did when i was younger. I've had depression/anxiety diagnosed since I was 13(now I am 25) and started meds at 17. I don't know if you've heard that saying about how when kids get older they blame their parents for everything. I think some parents are afraid of that so they don't even want to go there. And if your mother has never dealt with her own issues then she'll have no clue where to start with yours. And it could be other reasons like they don't want to tell you the wrong thing- so they don't say anything at all and silently hope that someone else can help you with it(drs, friends, etc). ADD and dyslexia are less stigmatizing than depression so it might be easier for your mom to address that.
After I was diagnosed bipolar, my parents really stayed away from any talk about my mental health and supported me financially with the drs, therapy. My dad never said anything about it- my mom would tell me I didn't need medicine. It would be ok if she said that if she knew what I was going through but she had no idea. She was the one who had a problem with her kid being on meds, that's what I think. I was also out of my house at 17 so I wasnt home during all this time.
Anyways, I hope that helps. Also, anything you know about your mother's relationship with her mother can be helpful in understanding how she gets along with you and these issues.
Sara
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