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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 16, 2003, at 6:42:26
In reply to how to free myself from dominating inlaws, posted by Navneeta on November 12, 2003, at 4:35:37
> Hi there! This is my first post and i dont know how exactly this works. but i hope to benefit from this.
> In India, its a common tradition to live in joint families. the daughter-in-law gets married and stays with the inlaws.But,lately,people are moving out and live seperately.and nowadays nobody stays in a joint family. Except me and my husband who live with his parents.and my husband is into the family business.and his parents are so dominating, that they dont like it if i go to work with my husband, or go out for dinners or outings. they wants me to stay at home and cook.And its kinda very difficult to approach my inlaws with any problems.especially my mom in law. who is quite rude and sarcastic all the time.She i s very unpredictable.She keeps taunting and passing rude remarks.BUt, i dont retaliate.my inlaws think that, since my husband is looking after the family business, they can dominate him and his privacy.They dont let him own a property without their consent and even if he does,they throw tantrums and get angry.
> They dont even let us move out to our own place and they start emotionally blackmailing about their ill health.I dont know what to do and how to cope with all this tension.Due to these tensions, iam not able to concieve either, even though iam married for 8 years.I have lost 12kilos within 30 days of my marriage and i still havent put on any even after 8 years. Iam really stressed out.sometimes i feel,iam trapped here and wasting my life.Love, navneeta
Posted by sarita0001 on November 16, 2003, at 10:22:21
In reply to how to free self from dominating inlaws « Navneeta, posted by Dr. Bob on November 16, 2003, at 6:42:26
Hi,
I felt much relief when I posted here for the first time- it is nice to be able to have a place where you can vent. I hope you will feel better later.
Sara
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2003, at 11:14:02
In reply to how to free self from dominating inlaws « Navneeta, posted by Dr. Bob on November 16, 2003, at 6:42:26
It sounds like a distressing situation. But dealing with inlaws is tricky, and I'm not sure you can ever free yourself without your spouse's help. He's the link in the chain.
In our house, we consider it the job of the natural child to deal with inlaws. If the natural child refuses to do so, we see that as a marital problem, not an inlaw problem.
His parents are great and I can't imagine asking him to take care of anything except letting us do more for his parents. It's mainly on my side that it's come up, and I take full responsibility for it. He doesn't even answer the phone (we've got caller ID and a special ring that announces my father).
Posted by Navneeta on November 17, 2003, at 2:30:06
In reply to how to free self from dominating inlaws-Navneeta, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2003, at 11:14:02
Dinah,are you trying to stay iam having problems in my marriage? I really hope not.Its scary to believe that.
I think iam in depression.I cant sleep well,i get only 3 to 4 hours of sleep and wake up early at 5am with severe stomach pains.Keep getting stomach upsets every second day.this has been happening since iam married.And the worst part is, even though i want to go out and start earning, i cant. i mean, all these years i wasnt allowed and now when my husband is letting me go against his parents, i cant.I mean, i want to work, but i cant get myself to do it.I feel iam inadequate.And i wont be able to do it.I dont feel like getting out of the house at all.I sit at home all day and do nothing.
if someone just pats me on my back, saying hello or somethng like that, it hurts.I mean, even they touch me lightly i feel they are beating me up.
I read on the internet that these might be signs of depression.Hubby asking me to go see a doc, but what will i go and tell him? All my problems look silly and he might laugh at me.Iam worried.
nav
Posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2003, at 7:13:47
In reply to Re: how to free self from dominating inlaws-Navneeta, posted by Navneeta on November 17, 2003, at 2:30:06
You should go to see the doctor. What you have written here doesn't sound silly at all. It sounds like you are in distress and in a very complicated situation. It is very hard for those of us from the US to advise you because your culture is very different. But I don't think you should have to continue to suffer. Your husband does sound supportive and loving.
Dinah is correct (in my opinion) that your husband needs to fight for your rights with his parents. You will not be able to make changes in your relationships with your inlaws with out him.
Please go see a doctor and get into therapy. Your life is too short for you to be in misery.
Posted by Dinah on November 17, 2003, at 7:21:31
In reply to Re: how to free self from dominating inlaws-Navneeta, posted by Navneeta on November 17, 2003, at 2:30:06
No, your problems don't look silly. And no doctor in the world will laugh at them. Do you live near a university? If so, see if you can find a psychiatrist affiliated with the university. I've found them to be really good with medications. And they can refer you to a therapist if they think that would be helpful.
I get really sensitive to touch when I'm not feeling well. I think we're in a constant state of stress and it has an effect on your body. But a good psychiatrist will make sure you get a thorough physical workup as well to rule out any physical problems.
Not wanting to leave the house or find a job, even when you want to, is a classic sign of depression or anxiety. A good psychiatrist will help you sort it all out.
Take heart. It's all treatable. And you'll feel so much better after treatment.
Please call around for a psychiatrist today. There's no need to suffer any longer than you have to. And you have your husband's support to do it!
By the way, a lot of us who have trouble figuring out what to say to our psychiatrists write it down. You could print out the post you just wrote me and bring it with you. Then he should be able to use that to ask you questions that will let him help you in the best way.
Good luck, and don't worry. It's really not as scary as it seems.
Posted by pixygoth on November 17, 2003, at 14:43:48
In reply to Re: how to free self from dominating inlaws-Navneeta » Navneeta, posted by Dinah on November 17, 2003, at 7:21:31
Hi again - i agree with all the above, you should see a doc. I get terrible stomach pains from stress, basically, I tense up and it can be exhaustingly painful. Good luck, and try to do things you enjoy, and not worry about the ones you don't want to do.
S x
Posted by Elle2021 on November 18, 2003, at 6:20:11
In reply to how to free self from dominating inlaws « Navneeta, posted by Dr. Bob on November 16, 2003, at 6:42:26
Oh you poor thing! I'm from the US so it's hard for me to understand what your going through, but it sounds like an awful situation. I can't imagine having someone tell me where I can and can't go, especially inlaws! I suggest you take a stand and start sticking up for yourself and the rights you ought to have. You are your own person, with your own mind. Your husband sounds very supportive. As Dinah metioned, it is pretty common here for the child of the inlaw to deal with them. You shouldn't have to put up with rude comments from your mom-in-law (or anyone for that matter). Try having a serious talk with your husband about whats going on. Encourage him to get the two of you moved into your own house, whether his parents approve or not. If they love their son and want him and the woman he loves to be happy, then they will get over it and accept it. I think you should go ahead and see the doctor. Your problems aren't silly, don't let anyone tell you they are. God bless you and please let me know how things are going.
Elle
Posted by Navneeta on November 19, 2003, at 4:23:14
In reply to Re: how to free self from dominating inlaws-Navneeta » Navneeta, posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2003, at 7:13:47
I know its difficult for you guys to get a picture of the indian culture and tradition.All your suggestions sound right.I want to seek medical help.Getting myself to it is a little tough.but i shall surely try and keep you posted.Thanks again friends.
Nav
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