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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on September 22, 2003, at 18:17:18
For a moment I thought I might be gainfully employed and I was *excited* about it. I prayed (to the best of my ability). It fell through. It took me so long to even get to that point--of going on the interview and gearing up to start working. Now I have to start all over, get back to working on a resume'. (I didn't need one for this because I was hooked up by a mutual acquantaince.) It would be so good for me to have somewhere to funnel my energy--for my own life.
I had lunch with my father who said he would drive me to my big test next month under one condition: that I not get angry with him. I had to clarify to him that *he* was the one that had gotten angry with me that afternoon--and I reacted to it. "Oh yeah", he finally conceded. It was right after I broke up with the ex and had that dismal test and I was asking him questions about his car air conditioner. This annoyed him (!). I said that even if I had been 'pushing' him somehow to fix his car (and here is the crazy part--I was just asking a question about it, but it was misinterpreted. I am not allowed to ask questions about *anything* in my family. It is seen as some kind of threat to the system--I can't tell you how innocuous my questions were that day) couldn't he have just allowed me a bad moment? But no, kara's moods are always scrutinized and judged, while the rest of the family can be off the charts. And how amazing! He had internalized his getting angry at me as my getting angry at him, and that I should feel guilty about it!
And last night my mother, who agreed to help me pay for therapy while I'm going through this asked in her terse, robotic way, "SO. Are you making any progress?" The implication being that if it wasn't 'working' she didn't want to pay anymore. I was trying to explain that I'm not sure about this therapist, but she's not willing to consider that it might take more than one attempt. This is your chance, get better now and get better fast and show me empirical evidence.
It is just dismal having to come up with some justification for every breath I take. That's why I was so relieved at the thought that I could achieve some financial independence, and independence from these relationships.
Then a $35 parking ticket and my friend deciding she didn't want to get together today after all because she's fasting and cranky.
But otherwise I'm having a great day.
Posted by octopusprime on September 22, 2003, at 22:25:56
In reply to Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 22, 2003, at 18:17:18
(((kara lynne)))
i am so sorry
i don't think there is anything to say or do to make you feel better.ice cream and brownies are in order (i think that will be my dinner too)
we're here to listen kara lynne even in your darkest hour. i'm not bad at resumes and job interviews, having lived through at least 50 interviews in my day. you can email to marilyn2345 at hotmail dot com if you want feedback.
the optimist in me says there is nowhere to go but up from here. if you can keep slogging and make it through you will only be stronger. baby steps forward.
ps - i don't think your parents meant to pile on. the optimist in me says that they are concerned about you but show it in funny ways. if you can talk to them rationally about it in a few days, more power to you.
Posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 0:16:39
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by octopusprime on September 22, 2003, at 22:25:56
Thanks o.p.,
But if you knew my mother...Thanks for the offer and the support. I hadn't realized how much I was fantasizing about having a life until I spoke to the woman today who took it back in a phone call. Of course I have to keep trying, but this would have been a great opportunity. And she was kind of leading me on and told me to confirm with her today about going somewhere with her tomorrow, and that 'now would be the time to make a place for me' if it was going to happen. But today she said she had to cancel, and that she had talked to her husband who dissuaded her from taking me on board as I'm just starting and yadda yadda. And the reason why I ever talked to her in the first place was because my therapist said she takes people who are just starting, and he called her for me and tried to connect us.
It's one of those areas where I couldn't even imagine what success would feel like--ever really, until last week after I met with her for the first time. And it began to seep in that maybe I could actually do something with myself. Tonight I'm back on the couch heavy headed adjusting to meds and trying not to plummet.
It would have been too easy. I guess I have to work at it a little more. But it was kind of like I was able to move out of the paralysis for one fleeting moment--this is stuff that just doesn't come easy for me. In fact it is the hardest stuff for me to do.
Thanks again. How're you doing? Did your ex call again?
Posted by octopusprime on September 23, 2003, at 1:28:05
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 0:16:39
it's so hard, isn't it?
to hear yes and then no.and it's tough not to take it personally. more rejection. even if there is a bright side to not having this job - you won't be stuck between a bickering husband and wife! (or a controlling husband and passive-aggressive wife!)
this job is not your only shot. it was an opportunity that opened your eyes to a world that is out there. a world where success is possible. the opportunity will materialize for you too, have faith.
there was one particular job i was turned down for after two interviews that sent me spiralling into deep depression. but five months later i got an excellent job that i grew into, which was very positive for me. there is hope. it's not you, kara lynne. it's not personal. even though it doesn't feel that way. i just kept applying for work because i knew i had to, (not because i particularly wanted to or because i was particularly hopeful for my future), and i wound up lucking out. (although i'm sure there is a bit of skill to it).
boy i wish i knew what to say to you. i empathize because it seems to me that you are having an identity crisis, with the work and the ex and the test and your family and everything unravelling all at once. it's a big pill to swallow. my counselor was very helpful in a similar situation. i hope your caregivers can be as helpful as mine were.
no the ex hasn't called. he didn't call before either, maybe i confused you. i was just fantasizing about how he's secretly plotting to take me back. of course, now my heart pounds when the phone rings, and doesn't stop pounding until after the survey about my automotive buying preferences! lol i'll have to talk myself down.
i feel much better today. i had a massage and had the brownies and ice cream for dinner, very tasty. ((kara lynne)) seek out some comforting things for you, too.
Posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 2:41:35
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by octopusprime on September 23, 2003, at 1:28:05
I do want a massage. From the ex of course, but that's a different story. I really thought he would have called today, what with our good conversation the day before. But then I wouldn't jump right on up and see him( I was too scared) so he's backed off himself. I probably ruined the exact moment when we could have come back together in perfect bliss--you know, the kind we always had.
'
But alas I'm slurring my letters from talking a sleeping pill, and I'm going to eat my few bites left of ice cream and I'm going to dream that some lost fireman has nothing better to do than rub my back tonightgrumbly itchy brain. It's not that we don't want YOU, but there is nothing about YOU that can hear anything from THEM after that remark that it's nothing about YOU. That's just it; there is nothing about me that you think could enhance your groovy business. And you know I have to grow a self promotion bone. It is just entirely too foreign for me to be expected to dust myself off in front of these people and tell them what they'd want to hear about me in order to make me intereresting. It's all I can do to keep from saying hey can I get the door for your while you're leading me out? Here, lettme help ya.
And now I'm gonna help myself to bed. I wish I had some people to talk with here tonight. I mean really here.
Posted by fallsfall on September 23, 2003, at 7:51:32
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 2:41:35
Kara,
I'm sorry about that job. Octopus is right though. That job has shown you that there is something out there worth working towards. It just would have been nice if you had it and didn't have to work towards it.
I used to hire people and read hundreds of resumes a week, if you are looking for feedback. I think that one important thing that I learned from that hiring frenzy is that the most important thing is that the applicant and the job and the company match. You can have the most wonderful applicant, but they are just wrong for the job. I hired people to do really meticulous Software Engineering - they had to make sure that all of the little pieces that went into the software application were there and were right. Lots and lots of detail. I invented an interview question that helped me find the right people. "When you were playing Monopoly with your friends as a kid, and they all got up and left and you had to put it away, how did you put it away?" It was amazing how different the answers were. From "I throw all the pieces on the board, pick up the sides of the board so it makes a 'V' and pour all the pieces into the box" to "First, I pick up the money. I sort it into the slots in the box making sure that all of the bills are right side up and facing in the right direction. I put rubber bands around the Community Chest and Chance cards and put them on top of the 10's and 5's in the box. I collect all of the property cards and put them in the order they are on the board. Those go on top of the 1's. Houses on the 20's. Hotels on the 50's. Pieces you move around the board on the 100's, and the dice on the 500's". Quite a difference, huh? Guess which one I would hire for that group? But the first answer was given to me by one of my best project leaders for a different group. His group didn't need the meticulousness - it needed more of a global view of things. And he was perfect.
So, not getting a particular job doesn't mean that you aren't a wonderful person and great employee. Sometimes it just means that the fit wasn't right. You'll find something where the fit is right.
And significant others are the same way. You need to find someone who fits right with you, and who you fit with. And just because you don't have that now doesn't mean that you never will and doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It is all in the "fit".
Sleeping pills and ice cream. Wow, Kara, you have taken it to new heights! I'll have to try that sometime soon. (Seriously, it sounds good to me - my sleeping pills are green capsules, Maybe white Mint Chocolate Chip with the capule on top instead of a cherry? I think chocolate with the green would not be as good).
You could move East. Then I would be here and so would you.
(((((Kara)))))
Posted by octopusprime on September 23, 2003, at 11:18:02
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 2:41:35
oh kara
boy oh boy do i know how it feels
the hard part is, the people you talked to probably CAN see a way you can benefit them. otherwise you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now. they can see that you are smart and capable. but you just don't meet some arbitrary criteria set forth for the job, criteria that probably doesn't belong in the first place.
oh people are so arbitrary when they're hiring for jobs. the "fit" that fallsfall talks about is such an ambiguous concept. and if heaven forbid i ever found out that i didn't get a job because i organized the money and cards, then folded the board into a "V" and dumped the rest into the box, i would be devastated. i feel i've been judged by criteria that were similarly arbitrary before, and it was *really* hard to accept. of course, not getting those jobs worked out for the best in the long run, but it's so hard to see the long run for the short run when you're depressed.
i guess the hard part is learning not to idealize certain jobs.
and learning not to expect failure. it's hard to smile and go on interview after interview. "you show promise". "we like you and you can do the job, but guy X has more experience, so we're hiring him". "why are you here and not at grad school?". "i suppose you want $100k a year". "come back with a few more years in the field". BLECH!
ok that's my rant. it's hard to keep trying. definitely give yourself a break. i hear ya about wishing there was somebody there with you - is there a friend that won't stand you up that you can call?
be strong kara lynne. you'll make it yet.
Posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 15:18:37
In reply to Re: Job fell through » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 23, 2003, at 7:51:32
Ah, move East. That sounds good right now.
I'm going to try not to let it mean too much. I probably smelled of desperation; not a wonderful trait. I was doing a little too much 'magical thinking'.
I just don't want lifetimes to pass before another opportunity arises. I'm so bad at finding the momentum. *This* (failure) is the all too familiar default position. It is *not* comfortable, but it is familiar.
I'm off to be hated by my humming co-worker (at my not 'real' job).
Falls, you can make a Sonata Sundae!
Posted by fallsfall on September 23, 2003, at 22:24:55
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 15:18:37
Posted by Kacy on September 25, 2003, at 6:05:09
In reply to Re: Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 23, 2003, at 15:18:37
Sorry to hear about your job, Kara. I'm glad you are keeping a positive attitude.
I found your post inspiring, Fallsfall. I pulled it off so I can read it when I need inspiration, since I'm come from the same place and feelings as Kara.
Posted by fallsfall on September 25, 2003, at 7:22:07
In reply to Re: Job fell through ~ Fallsfall » kara lynne, posted by Kacy on September 25, 2003, at 6:05:09
Posted by Emme on September 25, 2003, at 8:22:22
In reply to Job fell through, posted by kara lynne on September 22, 2003, at 18:17:18
Oh geez Kara Lynne. I'm sorry. It's so hard to keep up the energy to try. I can sympathize. I keep getting job rejections and am having a hard time accepting that I will probably need to change my ideas about what I do.
Feeling the heat from the family is awful. It sure sounds like they could use some therapy. I'm impressed at how you keep fighting. Really. You must be made of pretty tough stuff. :)
Emme
Posted by kara lynne on September 26, 2003, at 1:44:26
In reply to Re: Job fell through » kara lynne, posted by Emme on September 25, 2003, at 8:22:22
Posted by Emme on September 27, 2003, at 8:38:53
In reply to Hi emme, hi kacy...how's it going? (nm), posted by kara lynne on September 26, 2003, at 1:44:26
Hi Kara Lynne,
After a couple of days spent in the horrifying abyss of utter despair, hopelessness, crouching under a blanket crying, and contemplating death, I've gotten a little reprieve and my dishes are done and the blinds are open. It seems to be due to a slight med change. Not that I'm un-depressed. It's just a little better. Let's hope it lasts. Thanks for asking.
Emme
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