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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 15:14:29
In the last week or so I have gone downhill quite a lot. Probably due to fear related to my starting to volunteer (and get "better"). My motivation to do things (anything) has gone out the window. I don't want to clean my kitchen, pay my bills, do laundry, take my dogs for a walk, take a shower, one of my toilets is broken but I haven't even looked at it because I have more than one, I still haven't mowed my grass for the first time this year (OK, I mowed the back lawn once, but never the front).
Before this week, I could make myself do these things, and it wasn't as impossible as it has been in the past. My big accomplishment today was cleaning the kitchen (6 plates, 2 pans, 5 glasses and some silverware). And I returned a movie. And I went to therapy. I really had to work to make myself clean the kitchen.
So in therapy we started talking about motivation. He asked what would make me do those things in the past? I did some because I was (am) afraid that my daughter will go live with her dad if I don't. My friends get on my case about some things. All of my reasons are external. I don't do anything because I want it done.
Some months ago I had one good day (I think I was starting Strattera). Actually about 8 good hours. The first good day I've had in 1 1/2 years. I had energy, enthusiasm, motivation. I wanted to do a whole bunch of things. I did some of them, and just enjoyed feeling good for some of the time. That day reminded me of what it feels like to be internally motivated. Where did it go? How do I get it back? I hate feeling like this, everything is such a big fight.
Are you motivated externally or internally? What makes you go through your day?
Posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 15:36:46
In reply to Motivation, posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 15:14:29
Arrrrgh! I know just what you mean. Motivation was one of the first things I lost when I became depressed, and it still hasn't come back full force. I didn't start getting motivated until I went on Wellbutrin. I hate that it's tied to a drug, though. Paxil made it even worse, so I dumped that drug, much to my therapist's dismay.
But I think you should concentrate on the things you *did* do today. Perhaps try a little more tomorrow. I don't really have any good suggestions for you, cuz I'm still battling with it myself. I'll ask my therapist about it tomorrow and let you know if she has any good insight. :-)
My motivation may come from within, for things I desperately care about (clean house) to being influenced by outside things (usually a type of punishment) for things like paying bills, getting work done.
I *do* know one thing. I haven't been able to do much work at *work* the past few months. I knuckled down over the weekend because of a talk with my boss, and I got some done! And once I get some done, it's easier to do some more. I hope that trend continues.
Another thing that helps me is to make sure I get up at a reasonable hour on days I'm not working. It would be so easy to sleep until 1pm on weekends if I wanted to. No time left in the day to do stuff, especially since I'm moving slowly. But I make myself get up at 9am now, and even though I'm not running all day every day, I do manage to get a bit more accomplished.
Good luck, maybe my therapist knows something magical and I'll share. :-)
Susan
Posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 17:02:56
In reply to Motivation, posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 15:14:29
Ouch, I can relate.
From reading this board though, I can see that you have generously left so many messages that are genuine and helpful (thank you for responding to my post....:) And I wonder what motivates you to do such beautiful things for others? I find that very admirable, especially if you are feelings down from time to time.
On another note, I often feel the same way that you do. For some reason, sometimes it takes all of my strength to just do one little thing, and I judge myself (more and more aware of it) for being like that...... Many times, it is also external circumstances that help me get going; my support network helps me to remember that I do want to continue, and unfortunately/fortunately taking care of myself with these little details is part of continuing. I don't really know where my motivation comes from, really. On a good day, I feel like it comes from something inside and divine and I wish that it would last forever....but it doesn't, since change is always omnipresent. On a bad day, it feels like it's gone in hiding and I have looked all over my house and I couldn't find it.......so I might get angry or sob, or try to go on, waiting for it to come out. (And I go to therapy.....)
Thank you for putting your feelings out here for us to share.
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 22:01:48
In reply to Re: Motivation » fallsfall, posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 15:36:46
Thanks, Susan.
I cleaned the kitchen today. Wow. Tomorrow I HAVE to pay bills, or my health insurance will lapse and that would be a very bad thing. Even when I do accomplish small things I don't get much of a sense of accomplishment. That means that today's achievements don't make tomorrow's any easier.
The not sleeping late suggestion has real merit. But these days I'm not sleeping well anyway, so I'm up at 8 or 9 anyway. Sigh.
I would be thrilled if your therapist knows any magic!
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 22:14:18
In reply to Re: Motivation, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 17:02:56
Helping other people, either my friends or people on this board, is really the only thing that makes me feel worthwhile. So, I'd say that it is a selfish motive that hopefully has beneficial results.
I think that I've become comfortable with two unfortunate ideas. The first is that there is a minimum you can to to "continue". I think that I have perfected the art of knowing just what that minimum is (how many days in a row can you wear the same shirt before you get "caught", how many days can I feed my daughter Macaroni and Cheese before she complains that she needs "real" food, how can you keep people out of your house so they don't know that you haven't vacuumed for 6 months, etc.). So, I have found the minimum and I know how to stay right on the edge.
The second idea is whether "continuing" is really worth working for. I'm not suicidal (I have been in the past. I know the difference). But I don't really care if I live. So that isn't very motivating for me. I wish it was.
I'm glad that you have good days where your internal motivation reminds you that it is all worth it. Some day, do some journalling and describe that for yourself. Then maybe on a bad day you could read it, and maybe it would help.
Thanks, Emmaley!
Posted by ridesredhorses on September 15, 2003, at 22:51:22
In reply to Re: Motivation » Emmaley, posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 22:14:18
I have the same problem, and have had some success in dealing...a change in meds has helped some. I have also tried to keep in mind that when I have let so much BUILD UP, I can't do it all. So I just pick little jobs, like doing the dishes, and allow myself to do that and stop. If sweeping the floor is going to make me cry, I let that go until tomorrow. Thing is to do one little thing every day. Sounds childish, huh? But when you are wearing cement gloves and shoes, that is about the best you can do. It doesn't seem to be motivation I don't have, but rather the inability to act on the things I know need to be done. That includes enjoying myself. Sometimes this stuff is so hard. Thanks.
Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 4:54:04
In reply to Re: Motivation » Emmaley, posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 22:14:18
Wow,it really sounds like you have been through the trenches with these feelings.....
Sending you lots of support.
Posted by Susan J on September 17, 2003, at 8:50:20
In reply to Motivation, posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 15:14:29
Hiya,
Just wanted to let you know I went to my therapist yesterday and she didn't really have any helpful advice. Asked me *why* I thought I wasn't motivated, said it was a symptom of the depression, that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that I should try to accomplish stuff in little steps. All this I know. I guess I was looking for a magic answer.
Sorry to disappoint.....hope things are going better with you. I actually painted my master bathroom over the past two days. But did I do stuff I needed to do, like pay bills or mow the lawn? noooooooo. :-) But I have a pretty bathroom now.
Susan
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 9:03:29
In reply to Are you still here? - Therapy » fallsfall, posted by Susan J on September 17, 2003, at 8:50:20
Thanks for asking her. That makes me feel special. Too bad there are not magic solutions. They should really come up with a better solution than "Baby Steps".
I am feeling a little better (at least I was yesterday afternoon, it is so hard to tell). I did pay bills (only took 5 hours) yesterday. Today I volunteer at the library.
I couldn't paint a bathroom. Paint cans are heavy. You have to be careful so you don't spill or drip or make a mess. You have to stand up and lean over to get more paint. Did you have to use a ladder? Once you start you really have to finish. You have to clean up when you stop. The whole idea makes me very tired. So I am impressed. What color?
Posted by Susan J on September 17, 2003, at 9:13:41
In reply to Re: Are you still here? - Therapy » Susan J, posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 9:03:29
> I am feeling a little better (at least I was yesterday afternoon, it is so hard to tell). I did pay bills (only took 5 hours) yesterday. Today I volunteer at the library.
<<Glad you feel better! God, 5 hours!!! Mine can be like that, too. I don't get it. Think it has something to do with only balancing my checkbook once every 3 or 4 months (and being very happy if it's less than $20 off). :-)>
> I couldn't paint a bathroom. Paint cans are heavy. You have to be careful so you don't spill or drip or make a mess.
<<LOL!! I spilled, dripped, and made a mess. My dog even had blue paws for a bit. :-)>>Once you start you really have to finish. You have to clean up when you stop. The whole idea makes me very tired. So I am impressed. What color?
<<Yeah, you're right. I never thought about it like that. :-) I went from a *taupe* color (tan!) to *periwinkle.* So there was a HUGE difference and I couldn't turn back at all.... I actually bought all the right tools and stuff this time so it was a lot easier. I still have to do some touch ups though. Now *that* takes energy and motivation for me to do. I'm tired of painting now. I don't want to get all the brushes, pans, stirring sticks, etc. all dirty and have to clean up for a few little touch ups. But I know me and my obsessive self. I'll keep seeing that hint of tan peeking through and go absolutely nuts.P.S. Can you pay *my* bills today? :-) I just don't want to look at them.....that's depressing in itself.
Susan
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 22:02:20
In reply to Re: Motivation, posted by ridesredhorses on September 15, 2003, at 22:51:22
Amen.
"But when you are wearing cement gloves and shoes" - what a great picture! It really does feel that way.
"It doesn't seem to be motivation I don't have, but rather the inability to act on the things I know need to be done. " - I guess I don't see what the difference is.
The rest of it would be a lot easier to take if I could enjoy myself occasionally.
Thanks for your post. It helps to know that I'm not alone.
This is the end of the thread.
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