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Motivation

Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 15:14:29

In the last week or so I have gone downhill quite a lot. Probably due to fear related to my starting to volunteer (and get "better"). My motivation to do things (anything) has gone out the window. I don't want to clean my kitchen, pay my bills, do laundry, take my dogs for a walk, take a shower, one of my toilets is broken but I haven't even looked at it because I have more than one, I still haven't mowed my grass for the first time this year (OK, I mowed the back lawn once, but never the front).

Before this week, I could make myself do these things, and it wasn't as impossible as it has been in the past. My big accomplishment today was cleaning the kitchen (6 plates, 2 pans, 5 glasses and some silverware). And I returned a movie. And I went to therapy. I really had to work to make myself clean the kitchen.

So in therapy we started talking about motivation. He asked what would make me do those things in the past? I did some because I was (am) afraid that my daughter will go live with her dad if I don't. My friends get on my case about some things. All of my reasons are external. I don't do anything because I want it done.

Some months ago I had one good day (I think I was starting Strattera). Actually about 8 good hours. The first good day I've had in 1 1/2 years. I had energy, enthusiasm, motivation. I wanted to do a whole bunch of things. I did some of them, and just enjoyed feeling good for some of the time. That day reminded me of what it feels like to be internally motivated. Where did it go? How do I get it back? I hate feeling like this, everything is such a big fight.

Are you motivated externally or internally? What makes you go through your day?

 

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