Psycho-Babble Social Thread 253601

Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I wake up wanting to die.

Posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 13:47:10

Every single morning, I can't stand it anymore. The last couple of mornings were really hard. I have disturbed dreams all night long, and wake up with the thought that I want to die. I am not saying I am thinking about suicide; I know that sounds odd---but it's almost like the thought, the words, are automatic. I wake up alarmed that I have been feeling this bad for this long and that I am alone in my life at this age, with no family of my own. The loneliness is really getting to me, and feeling like I will be alone forever. I wake up in this primal panic, the residual torment of whatever conflict I've visited in my dreams still upon me. My body hurts, my mind is imprisoned, my heart is broken, I am alone, I want to die.

I know some of it is med (or lack therof) related. Every time I try an ssri I get these nightmares. I never used to, it's a brand new charming side effect. I haven't taken much of anything in the last couple of days but I guess it's coming out of my system. I can't get in to see my doctor for a couple of weeks, and even then, there is really nothing left to try until some new things come out on the market. We've been going at this over 10 years now, I don't say that frivolously or self-pityingly. There is really nothing left.

I don't know why it's so bad in the morning; I feel like my psyche is torturing me.

 

Re: I wake up wanting to die. kara lynne

Posted by justyourlaugh on August 24, 2003, at 14:42:42

In reply to I wake up wanting to die., posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 13:47:10

kara,,
how can my simple words help you,,
i want to help you..
please know your life is worth something important,,like everyones elses..no more no less..
do you have a pet?
there are so many helpless pets at the pound needing a home..someone eager to love..to love you..
j

 

Re: I wake up wanting to die./ jyl

Posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 15:31:01

In reply to Re: I wake up wanting to die. kara lynne, posted by justyourlaugh on August 24, 2003, at 14:42:42

Thanks j. Simple words, any words, help.

I do have a pet-- The Kitty Who Chewed Her Tummy Fur Off. She is the one constant in my life. I would have a pound-full of animals if I could, but I am allergic to one as it is. I would never give her up.

But she doesn't let me hug her in the mornings. :(

tks jyl

 

Re: I wake up wanting to die./ jyl kara lynne

Posted by justyourlaugh on August 24, 2003, at 16:41:28

In reply to Re: I wake up wanting to die./ jyl, posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 15:31:01

yah kitties sure can be bitc...
i just cant stand the thought of their little anuses on my pillows....lol
i have no pets...we had a hamster once but it spent 2 years trying to get free...it was a sad experience..
i want my husband to smuggle me in a monkey so i can dress it up like a baby...hee hee
i have kids...thats enough for me right now..
i hope you feel better as the day gets longer..
have a peaceful evening...
j

 

Re: I wake up wanting to die. kara lynne

Posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 19:13:37

In reply to I wake up wanting to die., posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 13:47:10

I wish I knew what to tell you. I've heard that morning depression is standard fare, although mine gets worse in the evening. I know that feeling - wanting to die, but not wanting to kill yourself. Lots of inner conflict. And I know what you mean about the SSRIs. I'm going off of Zoloft now and I'm finished with them for the most part. They just don't work for me.

I hope you can find some peace in the days to come, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an effective treatment for you. In the meantime, keep checking in with us here.

Take care.
P

 

Re: I wake up wanting to die. kara lynne

Posted by fallsfall on August 24, 2003, at 22:47:49

In reply to I wake up wanting to die., posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 13:47:10

This doesn't sound like fun! (((((Kara)))))

If I read your post right when the SSRI you were last on is out of your system then the nightmares should go away? Does that mean that you can wake up wanting to live?

I'm glad that you are just feeling this, and not wanting to act on it. But it is bad to feel it, too. If you can rationalize to yourself that it is because of the meds, then it might be easier to take.

I'm sure that you have, but did you try an MAOI? I tried one, and the diet was a little inconvenient but I was more than willing to do it if the drug would help.

Your loneliness breaks my heart (but don't call him). Penny says that she meets people at Weight Watchers. I guess that my best suggestion is to get a wonderfully soft, new stuffed animal (Gund makes really soft ones, and I've seen a good selection at Toys R Us - and you could find metal jacks there, too). I was given a bear by a work friend shortly after I crashed 8 years ago. This bear has given me so much comfort and joy. He kept my husband away when I wanted him to. My husband and I used to play Hide and go Seek with him. My older daughter wrote a wonderful and long story about an adventure he had. My younger daughter loved him so much that I had to find a twin for her (mine is Bear, hers is Teddy). Within the last 2 weeks I pulled him into bed with me to keep me company. Your new stuffed animal can play with you when you wake up - they like to be patted and some like to learn to do somersaults or stand on their heads. Or, if you have a bad memory like I do, hide him when you go to bed (in a drawer or closet) and then find him when you wake up! (Now you are learning my most important secrets, but Bear has a secret - maybe he'll tell you if you say "pretty please"!)

 

pretty please?

Posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 23:53:09

In reply to Re: I wake up wanting to die. kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 24, 2003, at 22:47:49

Bless you fallsfall, for your care and understanding.

Yes, I've tried the MAOI route and couldn't tolerate the side effects. Maybe it's worth another shot, I don't know. I hope it does mean that the nightmares will stop and I will wake up wanting to live with the ssri's out of my system! I have always had a problem with nightmares though-- but they do seem worse with certain meds.

I went online tonight in search of support groups. I haven't found anything near me yet, but I'll keep looking. I am beginning to understand how people end up dying from loneliness.

Funny, I got my friend one of those Gund bears many years ago. I gotta get me one! If I do will Bear tell me his secret?

 

Re: pretty please? kara lynne

Posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2003, at 8:01:34

In reply to pretty please?, posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 23:53:09

Oh, yes. Bear will tell you his secret. He has a passion and he would want you to get some of it for your bear, too (other animals probably like it to, if you adopt something other than a bear). Then he would hope that you would invite him over so that he could share some of your bear's. (Well, maybe he would share some of his, too - he really is a nice bear)

 

Re: pretty please?

Posted by kara lynne on August 25, 2003, at 15:15:13

In reply to Re: pretty please? kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2003, at 8:01:34

I will name him Robearto.

 

Re: Bears...

Posted by Penny on August 25, 2003, at 15:51:00

In reply to Re: pretty please?, posted by kara lynne on August 25, 2003, at 15:15:13

Have you ever been to one of those stores where you can 'build' your own bear (or dog, or cat, or monkey, etc.)? I've created two of my own bears at a place like that - you pick out which one you want, you stuff them to the degree that you want (one of mine is more stuffed than the other), you pick out their clothes to give them the personality you want, you name them and they give you a certificate with the animal's name on it...it's the sweetest thing. My first bear is dressed as a clown and is named Patches. The second bear is a girl dressed as a doctor and her name is Dr. Bearynice. She was intended to be inspiration for my medical career that wasn't. Wonder if they have therapist outfits? Hee hee.

Just something really therapeutic about creating your own stuffed animal. At the place where I went, you even got to put a little satin heart in your animal...

P

 

Re: Bears... Penny

Posted by Sabina on August 25, 2003, at 16:03:48

In reply to Re: Bears..., posted by Penny on August 25, 2003, at 15:51:00

what was the store called? it sounds liike a nice thing to do. i want to make one to keep with me.

 

Re: Bears...

Posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2003, at 16:44:36

In reply to Re: Bears... Penny, posted by Sabina on August 25, 2003, at 16:03:48

We have one called Build-a-Bear Workshop(www.buildabear.com). Bear got some slippers that look like Teddy Bears there. He's wearing them now!

Even if you decide to get a bear elsewhere, if you get a "normal sized" Teddy Bear, their clothes fit. They have a good selection of clothes.

Kara, Robearto is a perfect name!

Penny, Dr. Bearynice is a great name, too. I have a dog named Patches - she likes to sleep on my bed. Does your Patches sleep on your bed?

 

Re: Bears...

Posted by kara lynne on August 25, 2003, at 16:45:45

In reply to Re: Bears..., posted by Penny on August 25, 2003, at 15:51:00

How sweet! I've never heard of such a place, but I'll look into it.

Dr. Bearynice--I love it!

 

Kara kara lynne

Posted by KimberlyDi on August 25, 2003, at 17:17:15

In reply to I wake up wanting to die., posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 13:47:10

Think it's something in the air or the water? So many people seem to be in emotional pain right now. I have an overabundance of empathy and I hurt for everyone.

I know one thing, my life didn't change until I made a decision. What I was doing, wasn't working. It never worked.

Part of it was planning and the majority of it was very basic. I made myself a priority. Started off with eating right, giving myself time for plenty of sleep EVERY night, and taking my meds faithfully.

I made my happiness a priority (a first, believe me) and that was hard to do. I didn't even know what made me happy. I started off with one puppy, then two. Bought myself a pretty dress (when it was 75% off clearance true) and it actually looks nice on me. Maybe dresses looked nice on me all along, but I was wearing melancholy glasses and couldn't see it. Started standing up to my husband and thereafter, our marriage has improved dramatically.

KDi's wonder cure! for only 19.99!
But wait, there's more...

No really, something happened when I started to love myself instead of hate myself. We all fight our different demons. Mine turned out to be myself!

Hang in there, miracles can happen. But even when they do, life still isn't fair.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kara}}}}}}}}}}}}
KDi in Texas

 

K. Di in Texas

Posted by kara lynne on August 25, 2003, at 18:56:35

In reply to Kara kara lynne, posted by KimberlyDi on August 25, 2003, at 17:17:15

Hi K.Di in Texas, thank you for your support.

Maybe self-love is a decision, it certainly is not something that comes naturally to me.

I am trying to act in ways that are self loving; eg. getting out of a bad relationship, but of course it feels like deprivation. I guess it's going to feel like that until I fill 'the void' with some magical aspect of my Self--not a simple task.

My therapist's cliche is to "act yourself into a new set of feelings", rather than wait for the feeling which might lead to an action, or might not ever in my case.

Anyway, $19.99. Sucha deal!

Thanks.

 

Mars Attacks

Posted by kara lynne on August 25, 2003, at 19:24:00

In reply to Kara kara lynne, posted by KimberlyDi on August 25, 2003, at 17:17:15

Think it's something in the air or the water?

Also, if you go in for this sort of thing, with Mars being the closest it's been to Earth in (?)---it's supposed to be doing some interesting things to people's moods.

 

Re: Bears... Sabina

Posted by Penny on August 26, 2003, at 9:25:30

In reply to Re: Bears... Penny, posted by Sabina on August 25, 2003, at 16:03:48

Build-a-bear workshop is the one I've been to, as fallsfall says above. I've seen a different one somewhere, though.

 

Re: Bears...

Posted by Penny on August 26, 2003, at 9:28:25

In reply to Re: Bears..., posted by fallsfall on August 25, 2003, at 16:44:36

No, my Patches actually is sitting in the guest room at the moment, as there's no extra room on my bed with me and my two dogs!

When I was in the hospital, though, my roommate packed my childhood stuffed animal, a stuffed dog named Henry, in my bag. I slept with him almost every night because I was petrified. I've had Henry (and a little stuffed rabbit named Blue Bunny) since I was less than a year old. In most of my pictures from childhood, Henry and Blue Bunny are there with me. :-)


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