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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 7 to 31 of 31. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:44:52
In reply to Re: I wish I were dead, posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 10:03:19
Yes, at the moment, that's the trigger. I'd be lying if I said there weren't other triggers at other times.
My minimum budget, with no discretionary funds whatsoever came to about $30 more than my take home pay. By finding cheaper sources of dog food and pills, I can probably make up that $30. But I really need to up my hours.
Disability probably isn't an option. I appear on the surface to be quite high functioning. Everyone including my therapist and often myself thinks I'm just lazy. I was astonished that my husband managed to see through the facade. I'm positive I wouldn't make it through disability hearings.
I'll get through this patch somehow. Change is hard for me.
And somehow I *will* pull myself together and work those extra hours. That *has* to be the answer.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:45:25
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :(, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:44:52
Posted by Penny on August 7, 2003, at 11:12:31
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :(, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:44:52
Oh Dinah.
((((Dinah))))
I don't know what to say as I too am in this boat with you. Feeling like the boat is sinking. Laid in bed last night fantasizing about different ways to kill myself. Even decided who I would want to take care of my dogs. Have thought about finding them a new home now because I can't really afford to take care of them and it breaks my heart. I mean, they're fed and walked and loved, but they need their shots and so on and I'm just not able to do that right now.
However, as Fallsfall so poignantly pointed out to me in my "freaking out" thread above:
>The reason you should live is that you are a valuable human being.
>Now you need to figure out how to make your life bearable. Instead of thinking about how you will kill yourself, you need to think how you will live.
Dinah, we both need to take that advice. It's going to be really really hard, and the choices are limited and unsavory, but we aren't the first to pull ourselves up from the Pit and we won't be the last.
Find something to hang on to.
(((Dinah)))
P
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 11:18:31
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :(, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:44:52
You have just found your third option. If you make up the $30 and have no discretionary money then it works. It isn't any fun to have no discretionary money, but that might be more fun than working more hours or therapy once a week.
I, too, have heard that children do better with their own parents than others who are "better". And I believe it. Children also don't do well if they have to go through the death of a parent.
It is so hard to get those thoughts out of your head. You can tell yourself, at least, that you WON'T act on them so maybe you can decide that they are a waste of time. I'm so glad you have promised your therapist that you would let him help.
Your pain is cyclical. It will decrease. You have to figure out how to survive until it does.
(((((Dinah)))))
Posted by Dissociative Jane on August 7, 2003, at 12:14:32
In reply to I wish I were dead, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 9:17:14
Dear Dinah,
I'm glad you will talk with your therapist before attempting suicide. Sometimes life's struggles just seem too much to deal with..... I certainly wish I had a magical way of making you feel better.
You are in my thoughts
Posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 12:26:26
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :(, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:44:52
Dinah honey, excuse me again if my advice is out of place... but is there a possibility of finding other homes for any of the dogs?
Regarding the disability hearings, I'm kidding a bit here, but you often tell us about your meltdowns. Do you think you could drum up a meltdown or two at the appropriate point in the hearings? Finally get the meltdowns working FOR you, not against you.
And P.S. I'm sure your son loves you more than anything on earth! After losing my own mom as an adult, it drove home for me that no matter what your mom is like, she's YOUR MOM and that love for her is woven into your being at its core.
P.P.S. I lost my dad too, at age 10 due to step-parent adoption-- everyone thought it would be best that way, to replace the old dad with a new one. But it doesn't work! The new dad never really felt like dad. Kids are bonded to their original caretakers, no matter what.
Posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:33:12
In reply to Re: Thanks » lostsailor, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 10:37:15
Hi Dinah,
Sorry to hear you so down. That financial stuff can really trigger it.I agree with Tony wholeheartedly; your son loves *you*, not a picture of an ideal mother. You obviously have a heart of gold no matter what you are going through, and that can't be substituted by anything or anyone else.
Wish I had something better to say about those wishing you were dead thoughts. I woke up at 5am (my golden hour, it seems...) and the very first thought I had was 'I want to die.' It's so automatic it's scary. Then I scared myself and thought I'd better not say that because I'll manifest some disease or something, and I don't want that so I should just stop saying those things already. And as you know, beating yourself up for your already self-punishing thoughts works so well.
Anyway, you are so loved and appreciated here. Hope that counts for something.
Love Kara
Posted by gabbix2 on August 7, 2003, at 14:48:00
In reply to Re: Thanks, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:33:12
First of all I can't top what Kara lynne and tony put so eloquently and truthfully and I didn't read all the posts so I'm not purposely excluding the others.
I do seem to remember Dinah, you specifically saying, to me in July,
"Gabbi this terrible July will end, and believe it or not so w ill heartache" When I was longing for oblivion.
And you added
"Remember that, because you're going to have to remind me some day"And here I am reminding you my dear.
Dinah, I wish more than anything you were able to feel how much we admire and love you. I know at times like this, those tuning forks in your heart
just don't resonate, and these things we say,
don't give you the lift they should.
Please try to hang on to it cognitively for now, because it is the absolute truth. Its not being said just to make you 'feel better' You're a gift and I cannot believe your husband and son and
are anything but blessed.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:26:32
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :( » Dinah, posted by Penny on August 7, 2003, at 11:12:31
I too thought last night of placing the dogs. But at ages 10,11,12, and two at 13, it just isn't all that likely to happen. Plus, they've been my friends for so long...
I'll make it. Somehow I'll make it.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:29:48
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :( » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 11:18:31
I know. I'm trying to remember my DBT. Certainly therapy wasn't helpful today. Poor guy. I guess the cards were stacked against him. He suggested I work more hours and I accused him of calling me lazy. He suggested that I cut down to once a week every other week and I went frozenly ballistic, if that makes sense. I shut down completely because inside I felt like a trapped wild animal. So the strength of my resistance to that idea has me thinking that therapy means just a bit too much to me, and I should cut down just for that reason.
OK, distress tolerance skills. I'll get out the manual.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:31:15
In reply to Re: I wish I were dead » Dinah, posted by Dissociative Jane on August 7, 2003, at 12:14:32
It's amazing that those therapist promises have so much power. And since I know he'd hospitalize me if necessary, I'm determined to fight the feelings.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:32:53
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :( » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on August 7, 2003, at 12:26:26
Thanks for sharing that with me Tabitha. Sometimes I guess I need a little slap back into reality. The thinking gets a bit distorted by the hopelessness. I would never want to hurt my son like that.
(((Tabitha)))
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:35:43
In reply to Re: Thanks, posted by kara lynne on August 7, 2003, at 13:33:12
It does count for something. Thank you.
Usually those wee early hours (3-6 for me) are the absolute worst. But right now I'm sleeping right through everything. Escape sleep I guess.
And you're right about beating ourselves up for the thoughts not being productive. Thoughts are thoughts.
I guess I just need some time to get used to the new realities in my life. Sigh.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:38:33
In reply to Ahem!, posted by gabbix2 on August 7, 2003, at 14:48:00
Thank you Gabbi. I do remember saying that. And I'm glad you're here to remind me.
I know that however hard it seems I will get through this. And maybe someday I'll even begin to..... Naw, can't be that cheerful just yet.
Posted by gabbix2 on August 7, 2003, at 16:20:07
In reply to Re: Ahem! » gabbix2, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:38:33
No, no need to get ahead of yourself, Dinah
Its the end of July too, and I still feel like Crap :)
Besides you never know OPRAH might really get in touch with me and give us the breaks we deserve,
without making us go on T.V..
Posted by NikkiT2 on August 7, 2003, at 17:54:05
In reply to I wish I were dead, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 9:17:14
That state of wanting to die, of thinking of it all the time, but knowing you won't do it is utterly awful.. its just so painful. And so exhausting.
Wish I could make it better.. maybe its time to think about some meds??
Nikki x
Posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 18:08:16
In reply to I wish I were dead, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 9:17:14
Whats a real person? Your not real? I guess I don't feel real some times, probably my meds.
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 22:02:11
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :( » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2003, at 15:29:48
I'm not sure that I would think that your terror of reducing therapy means that you should. I would think that it would be terror for you.
Can you fix the $30 problem and then try a couple of months with the same hours and same therapy? Then you will have a chance to adjust to the money changes. After that you might be able to make a more rational decision.
I think part of the problem is that you are afraid of the unknown. Aren't we all?
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 7:18:47
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :( » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 22:02:11
You're right about the unknown. And I will try to give it some time before panicking. Today I'll research lower prices for the dog stuff.
My husband has offered to loan me money for some of the dog stuff, since regretfully, it is a time limited problem as they are 10,11,12,13, and 13. If necessary I'll take him up on it and pay it off over time.
And although I bit my therapist's head off for suggesting it, I may try to aim for one more hour per day at work. Or maybe even start with a half hour. Or fifteen minutes.
And I'll try to remember that this isn't really a fifteen year problem. The loan is fifteen years, but some of the expenses won't be.
And in the end, my husband might be willing to help me out more than he currently believes. In preparation for possibly cutting down my therapy hours, I tried to use him as a support last night and let him in on a tiny bit of what was going on with me. The upshot is that he was threatening not to leave home today and was extremely upset. Obviously he wants to be protected from my seamy underbelly as much as I want to protect him.
Time will tell of course.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 7:19:28
In reply to Re: I wish I were dead » Dinah, posted by Sebastian on August 7, 2003, at 18:08:16
Just an expression I use. I think I might mean normal.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 7:22:06
In reply to Re: I wish I were dead, posted by NikkiT2 on August 7, 2003, at 17:54:05
This one is so clearly situational. I hate to use meds to manage a situational problem. I'm hoping that time will sort things out a bit.
If not, goodness, I don't know. I'd say if not, I'll medicate myself into that apathetic state that SSRI's engender in me. But the problem is that I don't get much work done in that state. If not, I guess I'll have to reasses my options.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 7:24:58
In reply to Re: I'm sorry to be so melodramatic :( » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 7:18:47
That I slept pretty much round the clock yesterday and managed to gain some distance from the problem. It's not a bad way of coping, but doesn't lead to accomplishing much at work.
Posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2003, at 12:49:17
In reply to Re: Perhaps it's obvious, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 7:24:58
As long as you aren't sleeping all day for a month I think that you are OK. Periodic times for processing and regaining strength are important.
I'm always impressed to watch you work through issues. The issues are hard for you, but you don't let them destroy you. You keep making progress. That's wonderful.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2003, at 15:14:17
In reply to Re: Perhaps it's obvious » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2003, at 12:49:17
Especially since I had the really fun "You look ok to me" talk again with my boss again. (In other words "Why do you keep going to therapy?" Small company. No privacy.)
Posted by susan C on August 10, 2003, at 21:09:57
In reply to Ahem!, posted by gabbix2 on August 7, 2003, at 14:48:00
My dear, I can only say I would ask you to re read Gabbix2's post. I must underscore the idea, that when these times come, it is impossible to keep perspective. Over the years, I have finally gotten my self to the point where I say, "I will get through this" It is terribly painful. My computer bits and bytes are coming through the screen to give you {{{{{Dinah}}}}}}}
Mouse with furry arms that tickle
This is the end of the thread.
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