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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 16:36:51
again? yes, again. i'm starting to feel like i'm not loved. no wait, i've always feel like that! whew, that's a reief! all joking aside, i feel like i can't even *pay* anyone to listen to me. she did have a good excuse, of course...family member near death. still, it seems that in every arena of my life, my needs and preferences are always superceded by the power and caprice of those who surround me. someday, i think, i will have control over something. someday i will get my way first. my man's already had people talking at him all day long by the time i see him, so i understand why he snaps at me or ingnores me when i get chatty and become annoying to him; but it still hurts my feelings. my friends all live out of state and have very busy, productive lives. it's too pathetic and sad to call them up acting all pathetic and sad. i know i'd hate to see my name on the caller ID, the state i'm in anymore. so i only call them when i'm coping unusually well or if i've had a couple of drinks. so here i sit, alone, feeling like crap from the fibromyalgia (IBS and back pain today) and trying hard to give the new meds a chance to work before i go back to researching more appealing methods of checking out of here. last week my therapist asked me to sign some promise not to kill myself. i said i couldn't do that, but i did agree to sign one that says i'll call her before i kill myself. sure, i can do that. just one more item on my list. like she could do anything about it if i lied...so smirked my pdoc when i told him about it. he said, "look, i think i can help you. let's finish increasing dosage of the atypical AP, phase in a mood stabilizer and work on this for awhile. you can always kill yourself later." i appreciated his candor, personally. i see my therapist tomorrow; it's just that i was really counting on her today. sorry for the long ramble. i just needed to pretend that someone would listen to me for free.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 23, 2003, at 17:01:39
In reply to therapist awol again (kinda long), posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 16:36:51
Hi Sabina
I've never had a therapist, but my first P.Doc
who I've nicknamed Superdoc, sounded a lot like yours, He lifted up a book about a foot thick of strictly psychiatric meds, and he said "Okay, after you've tried every medication in this book, then you can kill yourself"
I really appreciated his candor too.He had me cured to for a long time, 8 years.
Unfortunately I moved and don't see him anymore
and its been a bit rocky since.
So have faith, it takes time, but if you have a doc whose willing to work with you good things really can happen.I think I know how you feel about people not listening. I stopped calling my friends when I first became depressed because that was my whole world, and I felt exactly the same as you "I wouldn't talk to me"
You know what though, people here are NOT pretending. I can't speak for absolutely everyone, but I know for sure not everyone is pretending.
I've met two of my best friends here. And they are *real* normal friends.
And thats because they were listening to what I was saying here.
You are welcome, and you don't have to worry to much about bringing people down,. as I noticed you mentioned the other day. Thats part of why were here, a safe place to vent. And sometimes it helps people to hear another person is feeling
similarly to themselves, it feels less lonely that way, less freakish.I'm sorry you didn't get to see your therapist,
I know how I feel when I've been counting on a visit all week, to get me through and it gets cancelled, If talking here helps you get through it, were here to listen.
Posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 17:22:05
In reply to Re: therapist awol again (kinda long) » Sabina, posted by gabbix2 on July 23, 2003, at 17:01:39
thanks for your reply. i just needed to get some thoughts out before i let them work against me. damage control, really. i need to clarify one thing i said that i'm afraid may have been misconstrued:
me: i just needed to pretend that someone would listen to me for free.
you: You know what though, people here are NOT pretending. I can't speak for absolutely everyone, but I know for sure not everyone is pretending.
i was in no way inferring that anyone here pretended about anything. what i meant to convey was that i needed to try and convince ("pretend" to) myself that i was worth listening to. sorry if i wasn't clear enough on that point. thanks again for your reply. it did help.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 23, 2003, at 18:00:06
In reply to Re: therapist awol again » gabbix2, posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 17:22:05
Hi Sabina,
I felt after I wrote that too, I thought I hope she doesn't think I sounded defensive, I meant it to be reassuring, so much can be misconstrued in type. I should have done a postscript, I was going to.
The worst thing to happen when you are already feeling sensitive is to think oh no, now I've gone and offended someone.
No I didn't think you were inferring anything Honest,
We're all just so insecure here, honestly
if you read the posts, almost everyone says "I know you're all probably sick of hearing from me"I was just saying that to Yesac the other day, because she said that very thing, Kara Lynne said that...
Tabitha said that..Thats the depression speaking. So please don't think you aren't worth listening too. I can personally relate to a lot of what you've said.
Which is ironically why I haven't posted a lot to you, because I can't ever offer much help, just
fellow commiseration!I'm glad the post helped a little.
gosh If 2 years ago someone told me I'd be depending on people on the net to keep me sane I would have thought they were crazy, but
I've met some fabulous people here, and I don't know what I'd do without it.(((Sabina)))
Posted by kara lynne on July 23, 2003, at 18:07:51
In reply to therapist awol again (kinda long), posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 16:36:51
Hey Sabina,
Just an I-know-exactly-what-you-mean reply. You know what they say about bartenders and hairdressers--well it's true.I have had months go by where I feel like my only "friends" are people I pay--even my hairdresser. And I'm always getting responses like I'm on the verge of being their 'real' friend; like if they were going to have a client for a friend it would be me, but I'm still not quite good enough for that.
Are you doing anything to treat the fibromyalgia?
Ahh the joys of biochemical slavery.
Posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 18:54:47
In reply to Re: therapist awol again » Sabina, posted by gabbix2 on July 23, 2003, at 18:00:06
i see how you meant it, now. i didn't at all think you sounded defensive, just that i hadn't been communicating effectively. i always blame myself first, especially when i know that i often am not thinking clearly! it *is* difficult to make things clear in writing, and it is brave of all of us to keep coming here and talking about our problems in an effort to stave off hopelessness, SI, or any of the more damaging coping mechanisms, if only temporarily. last night, i didn't do so well and i am working on forgiving myself for how i acted. i know that sometimes i get so sick of hearing myself even *think* about my own problems, let alone posting them for the world to see; so i do feel obliged to apologize for "whining" (i think is how Penny termed it). i feel so silly talking about my boo hoo, my lonely day, whatever - when there are so many people in this world (and on this board) who have what i consider "real problems". i've been very resistent in therapy to accept validation of my own feelings; but then, i was kind of brought up not to do so. i even tell myself, you have so many blessings in life, why can't you just be happy? of course, that line of thought perpetuates a destructive cycle of self loathing. however, i'm finally realizing that it's beyond my control, dang it. my poor coping skills with the stressors of everyday problems is a direct result of a mood disorder. i cannot *force* myself to create a balanced brain chemistry any more than a diabetic can convince himself to balance his blood sugar. i'm bipolar. i'm not simply nervous, or congenitally irritating, or possessing a weak character. i've finally been diagnosed properly and i'm doing the best i can do. i've never been the type to do this message board sort of thing. i've always been too private about my illness. so private, in fact, that i managed to ignore it myself for 35 years. i only started getting help this year when i realized there were two choices imminent : suicide or treatment. thanks again for being here for me.
Posted by Dinah on July 23, 2003, at 20:38:05
In reply to therapist awol again (kinda long), posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 16:36:51
Ouch. I hate to see my therapist on my caller ID on the day of therapy (or the day before, or anytime I don't call him first). Even if it's just to put it off a day, it sets me off balance. And then I always feel sorry for him too.
Now talk about totally unreasonable. I called him today to tell him how badly I was doing and that I wasn't sure that it was yesterday's session or the new medication. He'll generally offer to see me if he has any free time. He must not have today, because he offered to see me tomorrow instead of Friday. Now it's completely unreasonable of me to be disappointed because we didn't even have an appointment today, and because I know he would have offered if he could have. Instead, I took extra klonopin and slept for a couple of hours before starting my work. It worked as well as a session, I guess, and was a lot cheaper.
Actually sleeping for a few hours generally does help. Not very productive, but it also isn't productive to take time to see him. Maybe I can totally replace him with sleep!!!
Posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 20:56:51
In reply to Re: therapist awol again (kinda long), posted by kara lynne on July 23, 2003, at 18:07:51
Oh lordy, I know. Last year I actually started to ask my massage therapist to lunch since we seemed to get along so well. Then I checked myself when I remembered that she'd seen waaay too much nekkid cellulite action to be digesting food in my presence! Just totally inappropriate, in any case.
As for Fibromyaliga, I do various therapies, incl. trigger point massage (intense!), acupuncture, and water aerobics, along with yoga and (trying not to get addicted to) Vicodin. Lately, though, I have only left the house for pdoc/therapy appointments. It's just so hard coming to terms with taking a new, harsh look at myself, family history, etc. and trying to move forward.
Oddly, it's entirely possible that I might have been able to cover and cope for another 35 years without realizing that I even had a mood disorder. Things were amplified greatly following a FM flare up that was the result of taking Depo Provera. I've been a mess ever since then.
Posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 0:50:24
In reply to Re: paying friends anecdote » kara lynne, posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 20:56:51
Wouldn't you know it? All because they won't figure out a male birth control pill--which of course they could.
This is the end of the thread.
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