Posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 16:36:51
again? yes, again. i'm starting to feel like i'm not loved. no wait, i've always feel like that! whew, that's a reief! all joking aside, i feel like i can't even *pay* anyone to listen to me. she did have a good excuse, of course...family member near death. still, it seems that in every arena of my life, my needs and preferences are always superceded by the power and caprice of those who surround me. someday, i think, i will have control over something. someday i will get my way first. my man's already had people talking at him all day long by the time i see him, so i understand why he snaps at me or ingnores me when i get chatty and become annoying to him; but it still hurts my feelings. my friends all live out of state and have very busy, productive lives. it's too pathetic and sad to call them up acting all pathetic and sad. i know i'd hate to see my name on the caller ID, the state i'm in anymore. so i only call them when i'm coping unusually well or if i've had a couple of drinks. so here i sit, alone, feeling like crap from the fibromyalgia (IBS and back pain today) and trying hard to give the new meds a chance to work before i go back to researching more appealing methods of checking out of here. last week my therapist asked me to sign some promise not to kill myself. i said i couldn't do that, but i did agree to sign one that says i'll call her before i kill myself. sure, i can do that. just one more item on my list. like she could do anything about it if i lied...so smirked my pdoc when i told him about it. he said, "look, i think i can help you. let's finish increasing dosage of the atypical AP, phase in a mood stabilizer and work on this for awhile. you can always kill yourself later." i appreciated his candor, personally. i see my therapist tomorrow; it's just that i was really counting on her today. sorry for the long ramble. i just needed to pretend that someone would listen to me for free.
poster:Sabina
thread:244594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244594.html