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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2003, at 14:44:21
Ugh. I know this is getting repetitive and I should just dump him already. The therapist advised I need to set limits with this guy who I experience as being needy and demanding. She pointed out, rightly so, that when I give in to his demands for attention, affection, and sex that I don't really want I just get resentful and further withdraw and feel even less affectionate which triggers more of his neediness and demands and--- round and round it goes.
I realized this, and that, sadly, if I did set my real limits, he'd just quickly freak-out and it would end. Today we talked on the phone-- I postponed our date from this afternoon to this evening, so I could just take care of stuff around the house, plus I'm afraid I'm not really in a place to see him now anyway. He freaked out and called back twice in a very emotional state and pressured and demanded some 'verbal affection'. Along with a dose of criticism for me for not wanting to give him any at that time. I said it didn't feel right to me right then. Eventually after what felt like a long harangue, complete with tears (his), I told him I loved him. Then he had someplace to go and was fine getting off the phone. It didn't matter when I had stuff to do and wanted to get off the phone of course!
Now I'm resentful and worked up and fighting the criticism that he threw in with the demands.
I keep wanting to postpone the inevitable end, or find a way to keep the friendship, but I suppose that's impossible. Last time it ended it drove me into a needy state and I went back. Last 2 times actually. But now that I'm back I'm very quickly feeling no affection, no desire, just sadness and need for space. I hate this cycle.
I've let it get to a point where 90% of my social life is him. So of course it's hard to let go. I'll be alone on weekends again. I'll have to go out in my lonely state and try to meet new people. I haven't done anything to build up my social life for 3 years, since I moved to this part of town. He was the first person I met here. Now it will be back to nothing.
Posted by kara lynne on July 12, 2003, at 0:22:03
In reply to Boyfriend freak-out number 87, posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2003, at 14:44:21
Not exactly the voice of healthy relationship, here.
I *really* understand the desire to avoid loneliness. I have been doing it for the past three years (about the time the relationship began to go sour). I always knew in my gut something wasn't right, but I hoped it would work out. It might have if both parties were interested.
I have a friend with a needy boyfriend and we were discussing how repellent that can be the other day. Not that men can't have needs, but he's being too much too soon and there are some red flags for her. It sucks to be the needy one and it sucks to be the partner of the needy one too. I think in the end it will be easier for you to deal with separation being in the position you're in. Not that that won't bring out *your* neediness---oy vey. The cycle goes on.
I hate to say it, but you'll just do it when you're ready. It sounds like you are nearing that point. And you won't have let it go on as long as I did.
Again, I'm not the best person to write because I'm so lonely right now. I'm trying to be strong. I'm not doing the best job. You sound like a strong person to me. I know you'll do what you need to do.
Posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 1:11:32
In reply to Re: Boyfriend freak-out number 87, posted by kara lynne on July 12, 2003, at 0:22:03
He showed up unexpectedly, he pushed it, I told him all my doubts, I cried, he cried, we broke up. My therapist didn't return my call tonight. I drank 2 oz. tequila then dumped out all the alcohol in the house. I feel awful. Now I have 2 days to cry and feel awful, then back to work.
I feel like I've fallen into a pit. All my neediness comes up, I'm mad at my therapist for making me look at the truth then not being there to support me after I act on it.
What good are therapists? Needy dysfunctional boyfriends are so much more available.
Posted by kara lynne on July 12, 2003, at 2:51:41
In reply to Re: we broke up.... again., posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 1:11:32
Oh, I'm sorry Tabitha. and sorry your therapist didn't call back---she better have a good reason. I am really struggling with how to cope with these days, who to call and when--not that there are so many choices.
If I can do it (as pitifully as I am) you can too. Night is hard.
My ex might as well be shouting through a megaphone that he's releived to have me gone and will do nothing to try to make it work again--not that it ever could have. But it still feels like absolute, complete s***-- I have never felt so ashamed and worthless.
Good for you that you dumped the alcohol. My ---I keep writing boyfriend and then having to change it :( ---boy fiend seems to be having his renewal in NA, another thing he can gloat about superiorly. It makes me want to go to a 12 step group for some suport. But that might be a setup for me where it wouldn't be as good and I'd compare, and yadda yadda.
But I guess I'm trying to say that a group seems like a good idea--I wish we could start one for heartbroken women trying to reclaim themselves.
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2003, at 9:46:45
In reply to Re: we broke up.... again., posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 1:11:32
I'm sorry, Tabitha. And I'm sorry about your therapist as well.
I read your post about feeling alone, but I want you to know how impressed I am that you were able to step out into the world and enter the dating scene. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. Now that you've done it once, you can do it again. Not only with relationships but with friendships as well. (Mind you, I realize you are probably thinking "Never again after this experience.")
Posted by lostsailor on July 12, 2003, at 10:26:37
In reply to Boyfriend freak-out number 87, posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2003, at 14:44:21
Oh Tabbs,
I am sorry. I am really starting to think all this love crap is overrated but still desire it so bad. gee, am I being a bit ambiguous???? Goodness. UUUGGG is right.
Sounds like this might not be the one. You have the Starbucks, the video store, and the Mormons--want me too. I'll bring the fur-lined cuff in exchange for adoption.
ooohhhh, another thing. Zen mentioned that you thought I may have been teasing re using another name (chimp??) when I was on my most recent inner sabbatical. Tabby, I'd never play the game player with someone's head. You should know me better by now. I am way too busy having my head played with. Wanna get some Tinker Toys and play in the sandbox now that you’ll have some potential free weekends????
hugs,
~tony
Posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 13:05:14
In reply to Re: we broke up.... again., posted by kara lynne on July 12, 2003, at 2:51:41
Kara, just a little proselytysing (sp?) here... I did go to some 12 steps groups for support after a breakup once and it was a real help. I started out with a CoDa (Codependents Anonymous) group-- I know they have a website with meeting locations. The focus is healthy relationships. My group was small and wasn't really very 12-step oriented, just more of a general support group.
Posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 13:10:14
In reply to Re: Boyfriend freak-out number 87--tabby, posted by lostsailor on July 12, 2003, at 10:26:37
Thanks Tony, I posted elsewhere that my video store boy isn't there anymore! Probably a sign from the universe that I should find an actual appropriate man to date.
Sorry about the chimp misunderstanding -- I didn't think you were being malicious or anything, I had only read a few of the posts and thought 'you' were just having fun. I was just glad 'you' were posting so much. My mistake.
I'd love to play tinkertoys in your sandbox. Maybe we can have sno-cones as well.
Posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 13:14:42
In reply to Re: we broke up.... again., posted by Dinah on July 12, 2003, at 9:46:45
thanks Dinah. Last night I had a dream of being asleep and crying for my mom over and over and she didn't come. I woke up and thought dang that therapist.
It was a good breakup really. We cried, comforted each other, and said we loved each other. I never had a breakup like that. Usually it's accusations and counter-accusations, or else abrupt cutoff. We said we would be friends, and maybe we will eventually.
Posted by noa on July 13, 2003, at 10:30:27
In reply to Re: Boyfriend freak-out number 87--tabby » lostsailor, posted by Tabitha on July 12, 2003, at 13:10:14
Sorry, kiddo.
This is the end of the thread.
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