Posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2003, at 14:44:21
Ugh. I know this is getting repetitive and I should just dump him already. The therapist advised I need to set limits with this guy who I experience as being needy and demanding. She pointed out, rightly so, that when I give in to his demands for attention, affection, and sex that I don't really want I just get resentful and further withdraw and feel even less affectionate which triggers more of his neediness and demands and--- round and round it goes.
I realized this, and that, sadly, if I did set my real limits, he'd just quickly freak-out and it would end. Today we talked on the phone-- I postponed our date from this afternoon to this evening, so I could just take care of stuff around the house, plus I'm afraid I'm not really in a place to see him now anyway. He freaked out and called back twice in a very emotional state and pressured and demanded some 'verbal affection'. Along with a dose of criticism for me for not wanting to give him any at that time. I said it didn't feel right to me right then. Eventually after what felt like a long harangue, complete with tears (his), I told him I loved him. Then he had someplace to go and was fine getting off the phone. It didn't matter when I had stuff to do and wanted to get off the phone of course!
Now I'm resentful and worked up and fighting the criticism that he threw in with the demands.
I keep wanting to postpone the inevitable end, or find a way to keep the friendship, but I suppose that's impossible. Last time it ended it drove me into a needy state and I went back. Last 2 times actually. But now that I'm back I'm very quickly feeling no affection, no desire, just sadness and need for space. I hate this cycle.
I've let it get to a point where 90% of my social life is him. So of course it's hard to let go. I'll be alone on weekends again. I'll have to go out in my lonely state and try to meet new people. I haven't done anything to build up my social life for 3 years, since I moved to this part of town. He was the first person I met here. Now it will be back to nothing.
poster:Tabitha
thread:240944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/240944.html