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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 19:54:30
This is a subject I've been dealing with for quite some time now. I am divorced, have an 8 year old son. He lives with his father. I have joint legal custody. When I divorced 3.5 years ago, my ex and I agreed it would be in the best interest of our son to live with his father. I have my every other weekend visitation, and once through the week for four hours. I was having emotional problems of my own at the time of divorce, so thats one of the reasons he lives with his father.
I'm explaining all of that because I always feel I have to. I am the mother. People always assume I should be the custodial parent, and if not, I must be a horrible mom. My family (mother, father, aunts, uncles, siblings, you name it) think I am a horrible person for signing over custody rights. I still have say so to his education, medical, and all other important things in his life. I pay child support. My son knows I love him very much. Him and I have a wonderful relationship.
About 2 years ago, my son was diagnosed with ADHD. He has tried Dexedrine, Adderall, and now on Ritalin and Clonodine. I agree with the diagnosis. I agree with the medication. None of my family does. My mother has read and heard horrible stories about these meds. She doesn't believe he has ADHD, and thinks the medicine is going to eventually kill him, literally. She thinks I am going along with his father in that we are trying to find a "babysitter in a pill". She thinks all of his behaviors are normal, we are just being lazy instead of taking control of him w/o meds. I hear this all of the time from others in my family too. They cannot believe I continue to let my ex keep him on these medications.Sorry if I am just babbling on and on. I am just frustrated right now. Am I so bad for having my son on Ritalin? He has had more than one opinion & tests from pdocs. They all believe he has ADHD. Of course all I hear from my family is that the diagnosis is just an excuse to be lazy, and careless, and it is way over-diagnosed. Maybe the last part is true in some cases. But not in this one.
I myself was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder over a year ago. Of course, according to my family that was all an excuse, just a disorder to blame all of my bad decisions in life on. Of course I had these problems when I was younger. My parents would never find help. They just called me a problem child, and worthless. I am now being told I have ADD instead of bipolar. I haven't even told my parents this. Don't even think I will. I'm 26, almost 27, so no need for them to know, especially since they are not supportive at all.
I am engaged right now, my fiance's parents are very supportive, with my condition, and my sons. But why are so many people so against children (and adults) taking stimulants if it works? Why am I so looked down upon? Am I possibly a bad mom for letting my son take these meds? Maybe I am hurting him in the long run.
Does anyone else have these problems with others treating you indecent for putting a child on stimulants? Am I the only one with this problem. I've been told, who cares what others think. It is your son, you can make those decisions for yourself. I just have always been very influenced by my parents, especially my mothers, beliefs, or opinions. It is driving me insane. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I tend to not talk about these things, not even to my therapist. So I don't know who else to ask.
Sorry this is such a long post. Thanks for taking time and reading it. It helped me to relieve some anger!!!
Jodie
Posted by Tabitha on January 26, 2003, at 20:53:19
In reply to My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 19:54:30
Hi jodie. You are encountering some garden-variety ignorance about mental health and medication. Some people simply don't accept a medical basis for certain behaviors, and don't accept the need for medical remedies. They'll want to make a moral judgement about it instead.
You have done your part by getting 2nd opinions on your son, and now you are providing far better parenting than your family gives you credit for. Over time they may see that the ADHD treatment has benefitted your son, or they may cling to their guns forever. You'll just have to go on being a good parent by providing appropriate medical care for your son in spite of their disapproval.
Posted by wendy b. on January 26, 2003, at 21:15:06
In reply to My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 19:54:30
You know in your heart of hearts you are right, Jodie. It's hard to pull back from the nutty parents and relatives, but you have to, for your own sake and for your son's. It sounds like you are doing everything just right, to me. And further, if you and your son's father *agree* on the way his illness should be managed, then you are fine. You are the only ones whose opinions matter. Everybody else can just kiss off (so to speak).
I know it's hard with overbearing relatives. Took me 10 years of therapy to be able to step up to my mother, stepfather, sister, etc., and tell them they were full of s___ when they pulled their stuff on me. I just had to keep telling myself: I am taking responsibility for my own behavior (therapy and meds), and they have to with theirs. And the other thing is: unless you *ask*, the other family members don't *get* to have an opinion. Learning how to tune them out and follow your own instincts about what is best for your son is hard to do, but you have to stay sane.
You don't mention a therapist - are you seeing one or have you in the past? They are quite useful for "reality checks," as I like to call them. They also usually have good strategies for coping with sticky family situations. Learning how to pull back and not care any more, or care less, even, is a useful skill...Good luck with this,
Wendy
Posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 23:17:41
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by Tabitha on January 26, 2003, at 20:53:19
> Hi jodie. You are encountering some garden-variety ignorance about mental health and medication. Some people simply don't accept a medical basis for certain behaviors, and don't accept the need for medical remedies. They'll want to make a moral judgement about it instead.
>
> You have done your part by getting 2nd opinions on your son, and now you are providing far better parenting than your family gives you credit for. Over time they may see that the ADHD treatment has benefitted your son, or they may cling to their guns forever. You'll just have to go on being a good parent by providing appropriate medical care for your son in spite of their disapproval.
Tabitha,> You are right. I try and tell myself this often. I believe I am making the right choices for my son. I just wish they would stop voicing their opinion. My parents are very involved in my sons life. My son thinks the world of them. If this wasn't the case, I probably wouldn't mind as much. I wouldn't have to see them so often.
My mother makes several comments everytime I speak to her. " that medication is going to ruin his life", "I'm so afraid we are going to get a phone call one day that he had to go to the hospital because of those drugs", " It's just like speed, he is going to end up being a drug addict", "He is just a normal hyper 8 year old, you were just like that at his age". It's funny when she says that, because since I have been diagnosed w/ ADD, I'm sure I did have the same behaviors.
Thank you , your reply put a smile on my face :-)
Jodie
Posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 23:35:47
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent? » jodie, posted by wendy b. on January 26, 2003, at 21:15:06
Wendy,
Actually, I see a therapist twice a month. I believe I am going to be looking for a new one soon. I've been seeing her for quite some time now, and its always the same. The first question she asks everytime - "are you suicidal, do you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else?" She just asks questions, never any feedback. "How does that make you feel?" GRRR.... Just talking (well...typing) about it angers me. I should have looked for another therapist quite some time ago.
I just need to learn to tell them they are full of it You're right, it is hard with overbearing relatives. Thank you for your advice and support!! You too went through some pretty tough times with your family. Sounds like you made it through just fine. That gives me hope. Thanks!!
Jodie
Posted by Phil on January 26, 2003, at 23:43:21
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 23:17:41
Take your mom on a ride in cyberspace to the NIMH. Their position on stims is clear. This is another mess we can blame on the media. Misinformation(lies in English) on stims.
My best friend met an EMT who was the first person in the Dallas ISD to be put on Ritalin. Forty years later, he still takes it and is considered to be one of the best at what he does for a living.
The NIMH even quoted a report saying Ritalin too, was like insulin to a diabetic.
Ritalin is incredibly safe.Do you think when she says these things they are more about custody than Ritalin?
Phil
Posted by Phil on January 26, 2003, at 23:45:05
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by Phil on January 26, 2003, at 23:43:21
The guy my friend knows is a paramedic, not EMT. I'm not sure I know the difference.
Posted by judy1 on January 27, 2003, at 10:56:57
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin--Wendy, posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 23:35:47
Please, please get a new one ASAP, this one sounds awful. A therapist is there for support and encouragement, when you leave his/her office you should feel more confident about yourself and your decisions not angry. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time and I hope you line up some support soon. take care, judy
Posted by Ted on January 27, 2003, at 11:25:38
In reply to My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 19:54:30
Posted by jodie on January 27, 2003, at 13:47:13
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by Phil on January 26, 2003, at 23:43:21
> Take your mom on a ride in cyberspace to the NIMH. Their position on stims is clear. This is another mess we can blame on the media. Misinformation(lies in English) on stims.
>
> My best friend met an EMT who was the first person in the Dallas ISD to be put on Ritalin. Forty years later, he still takes it and is considered to be one of the best at what he does for a living.
>
> The NIMH even quoted a report saying Ritalin too, was like insulin to a diabetic.
> Ritalin is incredibly safe.
>
> Do you think when she says these things they are more about custody than Ritalin?
>
> Phil
Yes, I believe a lot of it is about custody. I didn't talk to my mom for quite some time after the custody was decided.I recently gave my mom a book from Dr. Amen, about the 6 different types af ADD/HD. Hoping she would read it and understand a little more. She says she read it. But of course she won't talk about it. I thought it was a really great book. I figured if anything, that book would open her eyes a little. I was wrong.
I have tried to explained to her about Ritalin too, is like insulin to a diabetic. She manages to change the subject. I've tried to explain to her how safe Ritalin is. She just brings up all of the horror stories that she's heard about it.
Posted by jodie on January 27, 2003, at 13:51:11
In reply to another therapist » jodie, posted by judy1 on January 27, 2003, at 10:56:57
I called around this morning. I am seeing a new therapist on January 6th.
Thank you very much!! :-)
Posted by jodie on January 27, 2003, at 13:55:35
In reply to Your parents sound like mine :-( (nm) » jodie, posted by Ted on January 27, 2003, at 11:25:38
I figured there were plenty more people having the same problems. I just wish I didn't care what they thought. I have always had that proble, caring what everyone else thinks.
Posted by Essence on January 28, 2003, at 9:53:13
In reply to My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by jodie on January 26, 2003, at 19:54:30
Jodie;
Please see my above post about "Fear of meds has screwed up my Son's life". If I knew then what I know now and had him on meds when he younger, my son and my family would not be going through what we are at the moment. Stand tall and stand proud that your a mother who cares enough to ensure your son has every advantage at a good life and for not falling into the anti-med craze that I did. Best Wishes.
Posted by Ted on January 28, 2003, at 10:46:57
In reply to Re: Your parents sound like mine--Ted, posted by jodie on January 27, 2003, at 13:55:35
Jodie,
>I figured there were plenty more people having
>the same problems. I just wish I didn't care
>what they thought. I have always had that
>problem, caring what everyone else thinks.This is THE PROBLEM. It took me a _long_time_ to get over worrying about what other people think. Luck for me (I think?) I come from a very distant family and my parents and siblings rarely talk. My family doesn't know me and I don't know them, and at this point I don't care.
Bottom line: Do what you think is right, do your best, and screw the naysayers. BTW: Your fiance's family sounds like they are now your adopted family. Stick with them -- they sound like wonderful people.
Good luck.
Posted by jodie on January 28, 2003, at 14:32:09
In reply to Re: My son is on ritalin, so now I'm a bad parent?, posted by Essence on January 28, 2003, at 9:53:13
> Jodie;
>
> Please see my above post about "Fear of meds has screwed up my Son's life". If I knew then what I know now and had him on meds when he younger, my son and my family would not be going through what we are at the moment. Stand tall and stand proud that your a mother who cares enough to ensure your son has every advantage at a good life and for not falling into the anti-med craze that I did. Best Wishes.
Essence,Actually I read the above post after I started this thread. It was very interesting. Thank you. I'm starting to feel much better from everyone's support/feedback here.
Thanks again!!!
Jodie
Posted by jodie on January 28, 2003, at 14:55:28
In reply to Re: Your parents sound like mine-- » jodie, posted by Ted on January 28, 2003, at 10:46:57
Ted,
You're right, my fiance's family are wonderful people. I'm definetely going to deal with the issue of caring what everyone else thinks with my new therapist. It's always been a major problem for me.
It's sad that things have to be that way (with parents, siblings, etc.) for many. Sounds like you have had your share of hard times. I believe it may end up being the same way with my mother and I. Eventually not speaking to one another. It causes so much stress listening to her put me down about my decisions in life, including ones I have made for my son. I just don't need that. When I talk to her on the phone, I always end up crying after we hang up. It really upsets me when I look back and think how they never tried to help me out emotionally as a child/teen. It's not like money/insurance was an issue. Now my mom thinks she has the right to tell me how to raise my son? I love my mom, but not most of the things she says. If only I could get her to quit bringing up the custody/ritalin issue. But that seems impossible. I know if it doesn't stop, there will be no communication between us! I just hope it doesn't come to that.
Thank you!!Jodie
Posted by Ted on January 28, 2003, at 16:36:40
In reply to Re: Your parents sound like mine--Ted, posted by jodie on January 28, 2003, at 14:55:28
Hi Jodie,
Your mother sounds downright hostile. I think that is far worse than my case. I face total ambivalence. My parents act like they don't care about anything I or my wife or son do. We really have nothing in common except genetics so it is just as well....
My mother used to be somewhat hostile when I talked with her on the phone when I first moved out on my own, some 20 years ago. My solution was to tell her she was being mean and then hang up. After a couple of times of that type of reaction from me, she stopped being mean.
One of my favorite quotes, from the late Ann Landers: "People can't take advantage of you without your permission."
"illigitime non carborundum" (Latin for "don't let the bastards grind you down.")
Take care,
Ted
Posted by jodie on January 28, 2003, at 22:44:31
In reply to Re: Your parents sound like mine--Ted » jodie, posted by Ted on January 28, 2003, at 16:36:40
Hi Ted,
Yes, I believe my mother is downright hostile!!!
I like that Ann Landers quote. It's very true!
Thanks again, you are very supportive, you have put a few smiles on my face, and believe me, right now, thats pretty hard to do!!!
Take care!
Jodie
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