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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 26, 2002, at 16:04:56
Has anyone heard from Judy? Is she just taking a break from babble? Is everything OK?
I miss her.
Dinah
Posted by judy1 on September 27, 2002, at 15:59:48
In reply to Judy, how are you?, posted by Dinah on September 26, 2002, at 16:04:56
trouble's post on admin caused me a trip to the er for stitches that night. my therapist told me to stay away from pb (i wrote dr. bob and he pretty much told me to stay safe too.) so once in a while i look at your posts and a couple of others that i trust but i don't get involved. just wanted to let you know. i hope you're well- judy
Posted by Dinah on September 27, 2002, at 17:14:06
In reply to it was kind of you to ask » Dinah, posted by judy1 on September 27, 2002, at 15:59:48
Oh Judy, I'm so sorry. Your therapist is right of course. The most important thing is for you to stay safe.
I hope you're doing better now.
As you know, I have an interest in the same issues that you deal with, and if you'd ever like to discuss them my email is listed in this post. Also, if it feels safe enough to post here again, I'd love to know how you're progressing in your therapy, since I'm somewhere along the same path.
Best wishes to you and Gabrielle and the rest of your family. Stay safe for them.
Dinah
Posted by judy1 on October 2, 2002, at 23:49:51
In reply to Re: it was kind of you to ask » judy1, posted by Dinah on September 27, 2002, at 17:14:06
A new month, I thought I would give it a new try here. I got really messed up on admin, I hope nobody else was affected as severely as me. It's amazing how written words can affect a person. I posted that I was going on Truhope- looking for alternative meds, but still trying to go to therapy. I found myself completely withdrawn after my si, just staying in the house with my family and unable to drive anywhere, I wouldn't even pick up the phone. You know it's bad when the closet becomes your habitat. I hope all is going well for you- let me know. take care, judy
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2002, at 11:14:29
In reply to Hi Dinah » Dinah, posted by judy1 on October 2, 2002, at 23:49:51
I really am sorry you are having such a rough time. I just love closet time, it's so safe and quiet. I'm also glad you feel ready to reach out a bit again. Just make you sure you keep your safety at the front of your mind. I hope the Truhope program works, but I know that you have a solid support team, and if it doesn't look like it's working they'll be aware and help you change course.
I'm under lots of stress right now, and reacting to it like I usually do. I'm wrapping myself in a tight little ball to ease the pain in my stomach. And I'm finding it rather difficult to post because I'm all turned in on myself. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be fit to meet the challenges of a normal adult life. I see all the things I'm doing wrong but the compulsion to do them is stronger than my ability to change.
I too have slipped in the SI area, to my shame. Things have been going on in therapy that I think stretched my ability to cope a bit too far, so I'm backing way off. Maybe it's better to be half alive but in less pain. And I'm thinking of trying Lexapro, just because I don't know how long I can stand the current feelings. So far I've been able to keep the SI a secret, because I don't really want anyone to know. The people in my life just seem to get angry. And my tolerance for anger is extremely low right now.
Work is my biggest stressor, but I just don't see any way to escape it. And I have the sneaking suspicion that if I did, the family stresses would increase and I wouldn't be any better in the long run.
Sigh. So I'm pacing around and around like the tiger stuck at the zoo. No way out. And I'm hurting myself just like a trapped animal chews itself.
Ah well, I know this too shall pass. The delights of cyclothymia. There will be times that I can deal with all of this.
More than you wanted to hear, I'm sure. :)
Dinah
Posted by judy1 on October 3, 2002, at 11:42:35
In reply to Re: Hi Judy, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2002, at 11:14:29
Work became my biggest stressor too, so I had to go on disability. Is that an option for you at all? If you want me to post details, I will be happy too. I doubt I'll ever be able to work again, but that's okay- I do charitable work when I'm able, and I get a great deal of comfort from my children. I still remember how relieved I was when I received notice from SSD that I was approved, I felt like I could breathe. As far as SI, mine had to come out of the closet because of the severity, when it wasn't so bad I kept it secret from everyone except my therapist and shrink. I virtually had a book of excuses :-). Please take care of yourself first- I'm turning your advice back on you- and go slowly in therapy (I probably lost 6 months of progress- but my therapist understands). What do you think angers your family? Don't they want you well? Sometimes we turn the people who are closest to us feelings upside down, I know I did with my husband, and didn't truly understand his commitment until we went to therapy. Is that something you can do? Take care of yourself, judy
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2002, at 12:51:13
In reply to I'm sorry Dinah » Dinah, posted by judy1 on October 3, 2002, at 11:42:35
I'm afraid I've irresponsibly got myself in credit card debt and wouldn't be able to do without my job. And in many ways it's a good job. I just can't get a handle on the stress.
I did tell my therapist we had to go slower. Well, no, I told him we had to stop. That I couldn't cope with the feelings and I wanted to go back to the way things were. He wasn't too happy. I haven't really told him too much about the SI, for fear he'll be angry. And that's what my husband gets angry about too. He feels helpless and that makes him angry.
I don't know, I used to have a plan on how to make things better, but it's not working out too well. And I don't know what to do instead.
But again, I know that at least a part of this is mood cycling, and that I will feel differently one day soon.
Posted by judy1 on October 3, 2002, at 17:33:01
In reply to Re: I'm sorry Dinah » judy1, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2002, at 12:51:13
well when you get into the 6 figure range on credit cards as i did, it took a lot of work with a debt relief place- but i am paying them down and i get my ssd stipend (my children also get money). my therapist and shrink both felt i couldn't work- i was getting worse and worse. i have no idea how strongly you feel about continuing to work, i'm just saying there are options. as far as not seeing your therapist a.- he will NOT be angry about the si, he/she will want to help. i think you recognize that your thoughts are distorted, it always happens to me too, but that is why i need my therapist to be objective. i just really want to encourage you to go back (and go slower), but get the support you need. be well- judy
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2002, at 18:25:52
In reply to debt » Dinah, posted by judy1 on October 3, 2002, at 17:33:01
Hi Judy,
I would never actually quit going to my therapist. I just don't want to do the deeper work, at least for now. Well, I never want to. :)
But I will tell him about the SI, I guess. It isn't that it's that bad because it was pretty minor, it's just that I promised him not to do it. And I am just sick of people being mad at me. I'll try though.
Thanks, Judy. As always it has helped to talk to you.
Dinah
Posted by shar on October 3, 2002, at 23:58:25
In reply to Re: debt » judy1, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2002, at 18:25:52
Judy and Dinah,
It seems all I ever talk about in my private sessions is SI, at least lately. It is very hard for me to bring it up, and I tell her I really feel sorry for her...I never talk about it in group, and I don't have a husband to worry about telling. I don't really talk about it except to my therapist...so I encourage you both to get it out there.I have a tape called 'warming the stone child' (I bet both of you would like it, it's about children who are orphans, as in they didn't have mothering in childhood and so don't know how to mother/nurture themselves as adults). It's sort of stories, and myths, and lecture combined from a Jungian point of view. One thing she says on there is 'you can't heal what you don't feel' and I believe not talking is a way that I keep from feeling the deepest of the desolation and bleakness and hopelessness that goes with depression (and is strongly tied to SI, because S is a solution, even if not one in my own best interest).
Rambling again,
Shar
Posted by Dinah on October 4, 2002, at 8:37:37
In reply to secrets---Dinah and Judy, posted by shar on October 3, 2002, at 23:58:25
Thanks, Shar.
Recently my therapy has been involved with getting myself to reach down and feel things rather than just think about them. And we actually succeeded to a certain extent with that. But now I'm self injurying more, and I am having way more mood instability.
So the ironic thing is that I angered my therapist by telling him I wanted to quit going down this therapeutic road, while being afraid to tell him about the self injury. I guess that doesn't make a lot of sense. So I suppose I will tell him the truth. It is such a difficult thing to talk about with people who are upset by it, including, I'm afraid, my therapist.
I'll keep an eye open for that tape.
And again, thanks.
Dinah
Posted by Mashogr8 on October 4, 2002, at 15:26:52
In reply to Re: secrets---Dinah and Judy » shar, posted by Dinah on October 4, 2002, at 8:37:37
Dinah, It is conversations like yours and others on this site that have encouraged me to be so much more open (honest) with my therapist. His reaction has never equaled what my perception of his reaction would be. It's really been helpful since in a way it dispels the myth I had concocted in my mind. When I told him my "terrible" things, I thought the walls would fall in and the entire world and the next universe would know. I don't have a clue how or what he really felt as a person but as a therapist, his reaction was so peaceful, calming and practical that I couldn't inagine why I was not willing to part with secret and embarassing thoughts which I could talk about with no one except him.
For me, it was very hard to admit those things as I am a professional who is respected by colleagues and friends, people who like me; but, they don't know the "real me" and would never feel the same way about me if they knew about the way I do feel. He (my therapist) does know, at least part of me, but I am accepted and sometimes I think that what I say he expected. Yet he explains that there is a reason for my thoughts and feelings. When that happens in therapy and I begin to believe it, I begin to feel a little saner (Hope this makes sense. It makes sense in my mind. the words just might not come out the right way). It is so hard to keep talking about the fact that I am always backsliding a whole lot more than I am moving forward. Listening to posts here gave me the courage to bring hidden things up in therapy. For the first time in a horrendous and deeply depressing 18 months, I haven't thought about being dead (i'm going on four weeks now). I would never be at that point without PB's words and encouragement to me or to the others who post here.
Please rethink the issue. It was incredibly scary for me but the payoff has been great so far.
Have courage. You are a wonderfully strong advocate here. Time for you to be one for yourself.
Peace.
MA
Posted by Dinah on October 4, 2002, at 17:07:34
In reply to Re: secrets---Dinah , posted by Mashogr8 on October 4, 2002, at 15:26:52
I told him about the SI, and he wasn't all that upset or surprised given the deeper emotions we were accessing. And he also seemed (maybe) to understand why I wanted to back off from it. At any rate, he didn't fuss. I do feel better for not having secrets. I don't tell my family because it would upset them, and it is nice to have somewhere I can be totally honest.
At any rate, perhaps we'll discuss moving forward another time, but right now he seems to respect my need to step back a bit.
Dinah
Posted by Tabßitha on October 4, 2002, at 23:05:00
In reply to Re: Thanks :) I came clean. » Mashogr8, posted by Dinah on October 4, 2002, at 17:07:34
That must be a relief. It was brave of you to risk being honest with him, despite all the stress you're feeling.
Posted by mashogr8 on October 5, 2002, at 13:24:07
In reply to Re: Thanks :) I came clean., posted by Tabßitha on October 4, 2002, at 23:05:00
Good for you, Dinah. Now you know that you can discuss this or anything else for that matter with him. You don't even need to include family and friends. That's another thing which helped me.
Keep on talking. You'll get there.
Peace
MA
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