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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ensoul on July 30, 2002, at 22:30:58
does anybody love me
does anybody care
NO
not if they truly knew me
NOdoes anybody hear me when i scream
NOdoes anybody know how i always think of death
want to look it squarely in the face and have it take me awayi try to live
try to fight the urgestry to live for my daughters
try to live for my lovebut for myself
i can see no reason
to stay
when the battle has me
so worn and wearyno strength left
let me lay downdoes anybody know how much i hate myself
ensoul
This holy concern for the truth - no one worries about it except liars.
~ Anne Sexton
Posted by Dinah on July 31, 2002, at 5:37:35
In reply to worn, posted by ensoul on July 30, 2002, at 22:30:58
For what it's worth, I can hear your scream. I have felt what you wrote more times than I can count. I know what it feels like to be worn and full of self hatred.
I, too choose life at times simply for the sake of my child. I see his gentle sensitive soul and I couldn't bear to cause him such pain. It may not be the best reason to keep on hanging on, but to me at least, it is a good-enough reason.
Other times, I realize how sad it would be to never see the view from a mountaintop, or a waterfall, or laugh with a friend one more time.
Take care of yourself, ensoul. Curl up with a doll, if that helps. Tell yourself how special you are, the way you would tell your daughters.
Dinah
Posted by shar on July 31, 2002, at 13:29:03
In reply to Re: worn » ensoul, posted by Dinah on July 31, 2002, at 5:37:35
that's where I live, too, only I've never been able to put it quite so well.
Good old practical me thinks that children need their mommas, and that kept me around for quite a while. I encourage you to stay with them, because, even though you may feel orphaned by your spirit, you have other gifts to share. Even when you think you're giving them nothing, that's the lie. You're giving them what no other person on this planet can.
When they are grown and ok, you can rethink the situation.
Shar
Posted by mair on July 31, 2002, at 16:38:58
In reply to worn, posted by ensoul on July 30, 2002, at 22:30:58
Like Dinah and Shar, I've felt the way you describe lots of times. Sometimes I realize that, to take myself off the hook, I've been working very hard to convince myself that my kids would be better off or at least as good, without me around. I force myself to imagine how they would react to news that I had killed myself, and this tends to bring me back to a harder reality. Sometimes in the oddest moments they say something or do something that reaffirms for me how much they really do rely upon me and how their view of my usefulness to them is so very different from my own distorted perception. I just know that this is so difficult to see sometimes.
Mair
Posted by mashogr8 on August 1, 2002, at 18:41:59
In reply to Re: worn....Ensoul, posted by shar on July 31, 2002, at 13:29:03
Oh, how I think I know how you feel. So many times and years, I wanted to rid myself of the world and me of the world. Everyone said, "You're children need you." But at what price, I say. How much fun must it be to be a kid and have to hug your mom and tell her "it's okay, don''t cry, mommy." "Trust me," everyone said. "Your being alive is better for your children. YOu will get better." My children are grown and, in spite of me, definitely happier than I was at their age. But I'm not any happpier. All those great medications that drs. promised were on the horizon were hoaxes, I fear. It was tons, more than tons,easier to justify killing myself when they were very young. Should I kill myself now they will be affected. As a child, there is so much more healing time to understand and forgive.
Years later, there doesn't seem to be a choice. Now it's up to fate, illness to take care of things. It's a cinch medication won't.
The real thing is I'm still here and probably will be until I'm 84. I always wonder if I'll have the mental capacity to know that I am happy should I be ages old when the medication is finally invented.
Lots of people feel as you do. On a given day, I'm more accepting and the other days I'm not. But that's depression talking. Some day you or the doctors will win over depression. If you're dead you'll never know what undepressed is. I sincerely hope should I experience it, that it will be worth living.
God, this too morose. Just keep on holding on to the minute and when the next minute starts be glad that it to will end with you still there.
MA
Posted by Fi on August 3, 2002, at 14:29:17
In reply to worn, posted by ensoul on July 30, 2002, at 22:30:58
Hang on in there- you can see from the other posts that you are not alone in this. We may feel unlovable, but that isnt an accurate perception- the distress/depression cruelly distorts thinking.
If you can recognise that just a little, and not believe yourself too much, it helps.It is essential to stay around for your kids if at all possible. Apart from the appalling grief, you could also burden them with an increased risk of suicide themselves later in their lives (the risk increases once one person has set the precedent).
I do hope you have someone you can talk to who supports you at this tough time- as well as posting here whenever you like,of course. It can get better- honestly! I've been at that stage of dreading each long, painful minute, and having to focus on getting thru one hour at a time. And on getting out of bed in the morning. Now I am fine and life is easy, and even fun at times!
Take care and please hang on.
Fi
Posted by ensoul on August 3, 2002, at 16:03:40
In reply to Re: worn » ensoul, posted by Fi on August 3, 2002, at 14:29:17
>
> It is essential to stay around for your kids if at all possible. Apart from the appalling grief, you could also burden them with an increased risk of suicide themselves later in their lives (the risk increases once one person has set the precedent).well thank you, much appreciated
can't hang around my "kids" though, they're older, 20 and 25..both daughters have places of their own and lead very busy lifes
>
> I do hope you have someone you can talk to who supports you at this tough time-not in RL I don't, strange how there's more online support
and again, thank you
lynn
Posted by Fi on August 6, 2002, at 10:10:18
In reply to Re: worn » ensoul, posted by ensoul on August 3, 2002, at 16:03:40
Its true how adult kids get engrossed in their own lives- tho they still like you to be around when *they* want you to be (have laughed with friends about how adult kids get irritated by parents who arent in when they phone!)
There does seem to be lots online, and its fair enough to use it (we are still real people!), tho it can be a bit remote. There are also phone hotlines (see the 'coping with crisis' links if you are interested and dont know of a local one).
Anyway, take care. One day at a time...
Fi
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