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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 7:38:26
Okay, here I go again. Back downhill, and quickly. Thought I was doing better, but was feeling highly self-destructive last night. Tried to cut myself. Say I 'tried' b/c I didn't actually do it, but I did go so far as to run the knife over my arm. Have a nice little pink line to show for it. I can't even do that right...
Thought seriously about taking all of my pills...and I have a lot of them. Thought about stabbing myself, but didn't. Was trying to go two weeks without seeing my pdoc again (have seen him every week over the last two and a half months), but looks like I need to drop in on him today too.
Didn't sleep well last night. Very jittery feeling. Skipped my meds last night too. Just didn't want to take them.
I'm falling apart and this is not a good time to be doing that. My job ends on June 30, so I'm looking for a new job and that is adding to the stress. Of course, I think I must also face the fact that maybe, just maybe, I don't really want to get better. Not that I *enjoy* feeling like s**t, but I can't seem to allow myself to feel good for any length of time. At least not without doing something self-destructive.
A most hopeless Penny.
Posted by k9lover on May 24, 2002, at 7:45:12
In reply to Heading to the pit...again., posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 7:38:26
My friend... you are not alone. Your post echos my experience last night except I was racing through as much beer as I could to end the pain. I didn't cut - thought about it - but beat that nasty one.
I hate it when it feels so dark and slow - it's like walking through cold molasses...
My pdoc is on vacation and the idiots at the doc's office won't prescribe my full paxil script - I have to call them yet again on that one...
One good thing is that i think the wheels are in motion to transfer me away from my toxic (emotionally and physically) supervisor until he retires. That might go a long way for me to helping cope with this nasty disease.
I'm keeping at bay those I want to die thoughts but they are there - squirreling to get in. What a fight this can be at times
Sorry for the downer - sometimes this is so hard...
Jan
Posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:19:05
In reply to Heading to the pit...again., posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 7:38:26
I'm so sorry, Penny. My thoughts are with you. But please don't blame yourself. I'm not sure I believe in fear of getting well anyway, and certainly not in this case. Your life is changing right now, change is stressful, stress is bad for agitation and depression. There is no reason to blame yourself.
And congratulation on your small victory over cutting (to k9lover as well). Choosing not to look for another implement does show some improvement.
Concentrate on treating yourself well, looking for ways to reduce stress, and listening to your pdoc. (And taking your meds even if you don't feel like it - Sorry, I'm a mom!).
Take care Penny.
Posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 11:45:38
In reply to Re: Heading to the pit...again. » Penny, posted by Dinah1 on May 24, 2002, at 8:19:05
Just saw my pdoc. He's adding Lamictal to my cocktail. (Zo recommended that a long time ago, and I mentioned it to him). I was honest with him about trying to cut and thinking about overdose last night. He asked if I had thought about paging him, and I told him I had THOUGHT about it, and he said that's the thought he wants me to act on. "Page me. Anytime." He says that to me a lot. And I know he's serious. Any time, day or night. Though I know as sure as I'm sitting here that if I were going to act on one of my self-destructive tendencies, I wouldn't tell anyone. If I did, it would defeat the purpose.
Thanks for your kind thoughts, Dinah. I appreciate it.
Penny
Posted by terra miller on May 24, 2002, at 16:49:05
In reply to Re: Heading to the pit...again., posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 11:45:38
you are an honest soul. i sure hope the load feels lighter for you soon. i hate being where you describe and also know it well... even to the comment of "well, that would defeat the purpose then wouldn't it." an honest soul.
just wanted to say i hear and understand you and know you are using all the strength you can.
~terra
Posted by Zo on May 24, 2002, at 21:31:10
In reply to Heading to the pit...again., posted by Penny on May 24, 2002, at 7:38:26
>>> Skipped my meds last night too. <<<
That's all I have to say.At the moment.
Love you, Penny,
Zo
Posted by Penny on May 28, 2002, at 13:19:48
In reply to Re: Ahem!, posted by Zo on May 24, 2002, at 21:31:10
I know I know. And I forgot to take my meds before work this morning too. Not that I'm trying very hard to remember, as I really don't feel like they're doing that much good.
How long b/f lamictal should take effect? Whoops...that's probably meant for PB. Oh well.
I'm really not doing well right now. Feeling extremely down. Suicidal thoughts abound. I laid awake last night until 2 a.m. (couldn't get on my computer b/c I don't have it set up yet in my new house), and all I could think about was the many pills I had in a bag beside my bed, and how very very easy it would be to take them. But that wouldn't do the job, would it? I'd probably just get sick, and that would defeat the purpose...
I'm paging my pdoc right now.
Thanks, Zo.
Love, Penny
Posted by Penny on May 28, 2002, at 13:22:05
In reply to Re: Heading to the pit...again. » Penny, posted by terra miller on May 24, 2002, at 16:49:05
This is the end of the thread.
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