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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Thsi is a strange post, I know.
I'm curious. I know there are alot of us here who contemplate suicide. Once in your life..... twice...... daily......
So, my question is: What keeps you here?? What are YOUR reasons for not doing it?
Posted by Katey on December 5, 2001, at 22:07:23
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
too weak, read the two person post from above, that explains it pretty well for me. sometimes i do things to get it out, sometimes i try to sleep it off. but in the end i cant do it because im too weak.
Posted by susan C on December 5, 2001, at 22:08:41
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
I know it will end,
some time, some day,
some way,
this feeling of anguish,
of pain.I see through the cloud of distance
and know that there is an answer,
even though it feels
not in my grasp.I do choose it as a choice.
mouse with gray whiskers
Posted by KB on December 5, 2001, at 22:51:36
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Reasons:
1) pets
2) commitments - I always make sure I have an upcoming project - as in, I can't kill myself today, I promised to cook for the benefit dinner next week.
3) logistics - usually by the time I finish working out the details and making arrangements, I"m feeling at least a little better. The one serious attempt I made was completely impulsive - instead of my usual planning, I just grabbed a bottle of codeine . . .
Posted by IsoM on December 6, 2001, at 0:23:04
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
There were two periods in my life when I was so low I wanted to be dead - noexistent really as the thought of the pain of death scares me. The first time I started going through the preparations that a person does when they're preparing for death - giving away favourite things, clearing out all things that I didn't want left behind and I didn't even realise what I was leading up to until my youngest son begged me in tears not to keep giving him my little treasures. He could see what was happening. It woke me up to my actions.
The other time isn't important to explain. But both times I thought of the others who needed me. I knew if I died, two of my children would soon follow me - they'd been suicidal before themselves & my death would do it in for them. My kitties needed me too & my Mom would've been devastated. I saw what happened to her when my oldest brother had died in a car accident. I just couldn't do that to anyone I loved.
I've always had to be the strong one for others - encouraging them, looking after their emotional needs too & duty kept me going. I hated the duty sometimes but it's what gave me strength. I'm glad of it now. My depression is now a thing of the past, I just have to work on motivation now.
Posted by Cam W. on December 6, 2001, at 0:31:18
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
I might miss some really cool event or discovery. - Cam
Posted by akc on December 6, 2001, at 0:53:01
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Ditto the pets.
And right now my mom -- I won't do anything while my mom is still alive.
Beyond that, I'm in a pretty hopeless spot, so I'm having problems with this question. But I just stare in my lab's eyes -- he needs me -- and that does it for another day, many times.
akc
Posted by storm on December 6, 2001, at 1:03:47
In reply to Re: What keeps you here????, posted by akc on December 6, 2001, at 0:53:01
--my family and friends that would experience unbelievable pain because of my choice
--living best I can for God. even if it means just fighting for my life, if that's all I can do.
--faith that for maybe even one hour in the rest of my life, I will feel joy
--my soulmate for life
and music connects with all that to pull me through, it can momentarily dull the edges of my pain
Posted by Anna Laura on December 6, 2001, at 1:09:44
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
> Thsi is a strange post, I know.
>
> I'm curious. I know there are alot of us here who contemplate suicide. Once in your life..... twice...... daily......
>
> So, my question is: What keeps you here?? What are YOUR reasons for not doing it?i'm not scared of death if this would imply i'd just be vanished. Then it'd be much easier. The problem is that very often my depression casts its shadow beyond death, making me think it'd never go away, that it would stick on me for the eternity. When i feel better, death looks more reassuring since i experience more positive emotions and more optimistic thoughts so i think i'd carry them with me if i were to start a journey in the strange land that lies after death.
The thing that keeps me hanging on most of times is indeed the fear i could survive after death. Because if i were to survive i would take all my luggage of anguish and desperation with me, travelling a never ending trip into a waste desert land without being able to come back, forever alone till the end of times.
When i was a child i used to have a recurrent nightmare: i was flying above a huge forest grazing over the top of the trees; there was like a classic music piece in the air playing : it was sad and terryfying at the same time; i was floating in the glare of sunlight, everything looked cheerful but i felt unexplicably anguished; i tried to fight this unpleasant feeling off, telling myself everything was o.k. and i didn't need to feel that way since it was a sunny day, the woods were wonderful and that there was music playing: when i resolved doing so and i felt more at ease a voice would come up out of nowhere saying: "you're the only survivor upon this earth and in the whole universe".
Posted by kazoo on December 6, 2001, at 1:17:11
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Posted by Cecilia on December 6, 2001, at 3:16:04
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Mostly Fear. Irrational fear of a horrible afterlife in which I am being judged and shamed by God and/or my dead relatives. Rational fear of blowing it and ending up brain-damaged in a nursing home. Plus the older I get the more deep down aware I become that I don`t have to kill myself to die, sooner or later death is guaranteed. Of course you know this intellectually when you`re young, but emotionally it used to feel like a choice. I guess I must have really "gotten" this when I was 44 and destroyed thirty years worth of journals because for some reason I finally grasped that even if I didn`t kill myself I could drop dead any day and I sure didn`t want anyone reading my journals! Cecilia
Posted by NikkiT2 on December 6, 2001, at 7:57:48
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
The fear of suicide not working and I will be left in pain. Its the only thing that has stopped me from doing it.
n
Posted by sar on December 6, 2001, at 10:19:56
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
indeciciveness
Posted by JohnDoenut on December 6, 2001, at 13:39:49
In reply to Re: What keeps you here????, posted by sar on December 6, 2001, at 10:19:56
Pets are a good thing.
I love my cats! :)
Posted by wendy b. on December 7, 2001, at 0:50:27
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Tina,
How have you been doing? You were throwing the dog's bones out of the house and burning them last time we connected. I am reading posts more than writing lately, mostly because I feel ok - I have been working and staying on a schedule.
I hate to trivialize what others have said here, others who are survivors of suicide attempts, or who think about it on a daily basis, or at least, often...
That said, I was at that "ideation" point (I know, we all hate that word!) a while back. Wanted to throw myself into Lake Michigan on a freezing February day. But I was too scared, and dying from exposure seemed gruesome. So, #1, I'm a wimp. Then again, I know I'm not a wimp because I have pulled trough some very hard times, and have done my best to work on my problems.
#2, my daughter. If I zapped myself, what would I be teaching her? I don't want to give up, I don't want *her* to ever give up. Depression and/or bipolar has survived many generations on both sides of my family without anybody saying the long goodbye. Kind of amazing. Maybe we can keep it at bay for another two.
#3, I'm afraid of the karmic, cosmic damage it might do, to me and others in my life. I don't want it to reverberate into my future lives... (Does that sound stupid?)
Ultimately, if it's something I can control, I will try not to. Maybe next time I'm feeling suicidal, though, all this will sound like so much horseshit...
Write more if you can... what prompted you to ask this question?
Wendy
Posted by paxvox on December 7, 2001, at 13:28:37
In reply to Re: What keeps you here???? » tina, posted by IsoM on December 6, 2001, at 0:23:04
OK, I'm jumping in here w/o reading the other posts, so forgive me if I echo their statements.
Suicide is NEVER the answer to any problem you have, and you KNOW why! You have SAID IT YOURSELF! There are too many people's lives that would suffer because of your action.
I cannot say the thought has not crossed my mind from time to time, because it has. However, there is no way I can allow myself to inflict that kind of damage on others that I love.
Secondly, your life may be like shit right now, but there is ALWAYS hope (unless you have a terminal illness beyond medical treatment). You never know what new med might be right around the corner that can help your mood.
I went through that a decade ago before SSRI ADs came out. Prozac was a God-send then, and worked for a few years very well!
Don't allow the darkness of life to suck you in, because it will if you let it. There are SO MANY people that are WILLING and ABLE to help you through these tough times. Just ask!
Suicide cannot be undone, just about everything else has a chance. You just need to be open to new possibilities, new ideas, new goals, new hopes.
PAX
Posted by jane d on December 8, 2001, at 0:23:38
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Many of the same things that others have already listed. The importance of each varies over time.
Unwillingness to hurt family
Obligation to Pets
Fear of pain
Fear of failing
Indecisiveness
Inertia
The feeling that the worst has already happened so why do it now
Knowing the medication has worked and that therefore whatever I feel and believe about myself now is probably wrong
Posted by ChrisK on December 8, 2001, at 6:09:12
In reply to Re: What keeps you here???? » tina, posted by IsoM on December 6, 2001, at 0:23:04
I do believe that I am here because God doesn't want me right now and a lot of people have said many prayers to keep me here. I have had two very serious OD's that landed me in ICU each time with a lot of tubes and pain wrecking my body. Flat out I wasn't successful one time and I was rescued another time.
These times caused my family great pain. I had convinced myself that they would all be better off without me. I was only a burden and without me they could move on with their lives. Of course this thinking turned out to be not true but that didn't stop the thoughts anyway.
Now I stay alive because I am on the right meds. I have been able to clear up my thinking and remove a good part of my depression from my life. IT's been a long time coming but I'm not considering suicide as option #1 anymore. I've been able to move on and I'm sure that you and others here will be able to do the same.
It's not an easy task or an interesting road to travel but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I made it through the hard way. You still have the opportunity to make it through without the extra pain. Keep talking to your doctor and work hard at finding the meds that are right for you. Right now I believe that the meds available can really help 95% of us. It's just a matter of time and experimentation.
I have seen a lot of names come and go on this board and I know that many who have left have done so because they feel better.
Best wishes for you and all of the healthy things that are soon to come your way,
Chris
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