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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 19:30:19
I'm wondering how all of you are, all those who helped me through my severe crisis. I'm beginning to feel "normal" again. I'm on Prozac which I doubt has taken effect this quickly, but I'm feeling a little more energy and motivation, in any case. I've been cleaning the house today in preparation for Christmas decorating. I'm also planning a party. I give you all a lot of credit for my recovery. So how the heck are all of YOU? I want to know.
Posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 20:19:35
In reply to Update, posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 19:30:19
I'm glad you are doing better -- thank you for sharing.
akc
Posted by Katey on December 4, 2001, at 20:35:25
In reply to Re: Update, posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 20:19:35
im doing about as well as a teenager right before midterms can be doing.
Posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 20:50:28
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Katey on December 4, 2001, at 20:35:25
> im doing about as well as a teenager right before midterms can be doing.
You are very mature and wise for someone so young. Good luck on your midterms.
Posted by Sourceror on December 4, 2001, at 20:55:26
In reply to Re: Update, posted by akc on December 4, 2001, at 20:19:35
I'm glad you are doing better -- I wish I could say the same. It seems that the walls are just closing in tighter and tighter. I whent and saw my T today and she has recomended me for an eval with the partial day program. I didn't want to get to this point again. I am seriously thinking about ODing on this bottle of tylenol pm that I have tomorrow. I don't know if I will get the energy up to do it but I am thinking about it. I have considered it a couple of other times but then I just ended up sleeping the day away and by the time I would have done it my parents would have been home shortly and might have gotten to me before its desired effect. I almost feel bad posting this here since what you just whent through so if it brings you down I appologize for not picking a better place to post it. Anyhow, that is how I am feeling right about now...
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by Katey on December 4, 2001, at 22:15:04
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 20:50:28
thank you, now if only i could apply my wisdom and maturity to studying :)
Posted by Sourceror on December 4, 2001, at 22:34:44
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Sourceror on December 4, 2001, at 20:55:26
My mood is fluctuating tonight in the time since I posted last I have gone from upset to now enraged. The thoughts are going off the wall I just want to inflict some sort of pain to myself be it bounce of a few walls or put my fist through a wall or hit a tree. I am feeling my manic side big time right now. I am trying to type through my high right now and I know if I act on it my parents will flip. This sucks 28 yrs old and back to living with my parents. They would just be so at a loss if I let loose my manic side. They so want to help me through my illness but I have no idea how they can help. They keep asking and all I can say is "I don't know". I tried a little taquilla to take that edge off but it didn't help. I just don't know what is gonna get me through this. I want it to be over with. I want some sort of escape. I feel like all I've been doing is whining here on this board and that is not how I want to be. It is even so hard for me to type because my thoughts are going faster than my fingers. I need to escape. What will do it? I even wonder if suicide would provide relief. What would happen after I did it? Would I go to what everyone refers to as hell? What would it be like? Could it really be worse than this? So much to ponder... If I tried suicide and failed could I live with the possible consequinces? Do I want to be stuck back in the hospital if I fail? I'm so baffeled and confused. I am overwhelmed to the point of pain. I look at my life and there is now good reason for me to feel this way. I have parents that love me and have taken me back in. I have a couple of friends. I have a job, not the greatest one but it is a job. When is enough enough?? ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where are my ruby red slippers that I can click together and say "there's no place like home" so I can be transported back to my life. I hate unloading on everyone like this but I felt this is one of the safest places to do it...least chance of getting institutionalized for doing it... I just hate my life and it's current outlook. At least this rant has eased tensions a little. I just want to go comatose and wake up some time next year. Well enough for now I guess..
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 23:52:19
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Sourceror on December 4, 2001, at 22:34:44
Hi Sourcerer,
Why don't you like the idea of the day program that your T suggested? Have you ever been to one before? You wouldn't be locked up or anything, right? I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. You know I can relate, although I am not bipolar. The depression you describe sounds very dark and scary, like mine was. Remember that your parents love you and that you have friends and that you have many people who care about you on this board, including myself. Your disease is not your fault. You just need treatment. Perhaps you need a change in meds. I would call your T and tell him/her how desperate you feel. You're not alone in all this. You know that very well from what I recently went through. Stick it out like I have. Keep posting.
Posted by Greg A. on December 4, 2001, at 23:56:52
In reply to Update, posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 19:30:19
Cass - prozac had an immediate effect on me too. That was some time ago, but glad to hear things are much improved.
Greg
Posted by Katey on December 5, 2001, at 6:00:00
In reply to Re: Update » Sourceror, posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 23:52:19
im not BP, but i do get manic occasionally, and im not sure which is scarier, the top or the bottom of the roller coaster. personally i think its the fall. the second where you go from bouncing off the walls to damn near crying. i dont recommend hurting yourself, but i dont condem it if you can control it. is there anything that will usually calm you down when you hit manic?
Posted by Phil on December 5, 2001, at 6:08:07
In reply to Re: Update Sourceror, posted by Katey on December 5, 2001, at 6:00:00
Cass, Glad to hear you turned it around. That's an early Christmas gift.
I'm doing pretty good except for group therapy. Sometimes I can't believe I signed on to it!!
Phil
Posted by Sourceror on December 5, 2001, at 15:31:42
In reply to Re: Update Sourceror, posted by Katey on December 5, 2001, at 6:00:00
Cass,
Yes I have been through a day program before and about the only good thing is that it gave me a place to vent on a daily basis. This one they are recomending would be a couple days a week.Katey,
I just recently (within the last year) was diagnosed BP and I still haven't gotten that many highs to really work through them. I feel almost like a baby trying to walk again with regards to them.I have been having another lousey day. All the pain and anger seemed to bombard me all at once. I couldn't take it any longer. I took about ten or so tylenol pm. I don't think I really wanna kill myself this round but it sure as hell should knock me out so I don't have to deal any more today. We'll see what happens.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 15:41:03
In reply to Re: Update Sourceror, posted by Sourceror on December 5, 2001, at 15:31:42
Sourceror,
Be oh so careful with anything containing Tylenol. It is easy to overdose on tylenol, even if you don't mean to -- you may have taken the tylenol p.m. to just knock you out, but that much tylenol can easily damage your liver, and threaten your life. I don't mean to scare you, but tylenol is a scary substance and should never, ever be taken in amounts above the recommended daily amounts. If you want to take something to knock you out, find a non-acetaminophen containing sleeping agent to help you sleep.
akc
Posted by Sourceror on December 5, 2001, at 18:33:02
In reply to Re: Update Sourceror » Sourceror, posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 15:41:03
Looks like the ammount of tylenol pm I have taken has had little if any effect (who knows about the effect on my liver). It didn't even seem to make me drousey. This sucks another thing I couldn't even do right. When will I find some relief and in what form will it come? I haven't cycled this bad in several monthes. I can not even start to convey my pain and anger. My parents keep asking what is going on and how they can help and all I can do is say "I don't know". Anyhow, enough for now.
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by Cass on December 5, 2001, at 19:22:10
In reply to Re: Update Sourceror, posted by Sourceror on December 5, 2001, at 18:33:02
Sourcerer,
I echo akc's concern about taking tylenol. It's not making you feel better, and it may be damaging your health. Don't make things harder on yourself. You need to be good to yourself. I think you need the right meds for BP. If you are on anything right now, it doesn't seem to be working. I just started Prozac for depression, and it's making a difference already. I feel much more motivated. Finding a good med is essential. Are you on a med, Sourcerer?
Best,
Cass
Posted by Sourceror on December 5, 2001, at 20:29:20
In reply to Re: Update » Sourceror, posted by Cass on December 5, 2001, at 19:22:10
I am currently taking depakote, lithium and olzanapine (can't remember what the name brand name is right now for the life of me).
L8R,
The Sourceror
Posted by fi on December 6, 2001, at 6:24:52
In reply to Update, posted by Cass on December 4, 2001, at 19:30:19
I was wondering how you were getting on- thanks for the update!
I'm being an ordinary person with my ordinary dull routine. Which since I know how dreadful being depressed/anxious can be, is rather a treat!
I've sometimes found that Prozac kicks in after about a week, rather than the official 10 days-2 weeks. For me, I continue to improve after that for at least another couple of weeks before I get the full effect. Also takes a few weeks to get over the exhausting trauma of it all, of course.
Take care- hope you get a decent therapist or your one improves A Lot!
Fi
Posted by Cass on December 10, 2001, at 14:44:43
In reply to Re: Update » Cass, posted by fi on December 6, 2001, at 6:24:52
Dear Fi,
Thanks for asking about me. I'm doing okay. I'm certainly not depressed like I was. I've been getting things done that need to be done, and I've been taking all my medications dilligently. I'm happy to be back in the land of the living. I hope you have good holidays. I hope something extrordinarily exciting happens.Cass
Posted by sar on December 11, 2001, at 12:41:26
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Cass on December 10, 2001, at 14:44:43
Cass,
i'm glad that the spell has weakened. it can hurt so much and then you eat a blade of grass or strae at the sky or have a good laugh or good whatever, and things change.
i love this board. it's helped me through some difficult times. i think all the regulars know that i am recurrently suicidal, but i take great, great joy in doing things that i love the most--smoking a joint while riding through valleys and mountains in the wine country, kissing hello and good-bye, meeting people--especially girls--that i can have Real conversations with--helping children with reading...all a mixed bag, i don't know what your things are, but i hope you can extract some pleasures.
for myself, i accept that i will never be a "happy person." i don't even know if such a thing exists...but i know where and how my extraordinary pleasures exist, and the success of finding them and experiencing them is phenomenal.
i laugh and cry alot.
do you think that life is a crazy patchwork like that? what is your life like? ~what type of job do you have, what is your age, etc?
Posted by fi on December 12, 2001, at 6:06:53
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Cass on December 10, 2001, at 14:44:43
Very well done- getting things done that need to be done is pretty tough sometimes.
I hope your holidays are reasonable too (good holidays would be even better, but that's probably a bit steep to expect quite yet!) It can be a long haul getting better, with some ups and downs. But its still getting better eventually.
I've been having fun daydreaming about something exciting. So far, the idea of Brad Pitt (or maybe George Clooney) to sweep me off to the Caribbean for a couple of weeks would be nice. Tho I wouldnt want to upset Jennifer Aniston, so maybe rewind the world a couple of years,too!
But I wont be *too* disappointed if neither appears (can you imagine the hassle! no visa, no suitable clothes, will I crack up, etc etc). Will be v content and grateful with ordinary hol- but thanks for that little spell of daydreaming!
Take care.
Fi
> Dear Fi,
> Thanks for asking about me. I'm doing okay. I'm certainly not depressed like I was. I've been getting things done that need to be done, and I've been taking all my medications dilligently. I'm happy to be back in the land of the living. I hope you have good holidays. I hope something extrordinarily exciting happens.
>
> Cass
Posted by Cass on December 17, 2001, at 19:22:43
In reply to Re: Update » Cass, posted by sar on December 11, 2001, at 12:41:26
Sar,
You have a lot of insight. We all want to be happy, but maybe that isn't possible. We can live for the special, sacred experiences we have from time to time, and maybe that's enough. When I was suicidal, I looked up at the starry sky and was in awe of its peace and beauty. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it for death, but I couldn't see any alternatives. I'm so glad I reached out for help. If I hadn't I would probably be dead or in the hospital. I was so deeply sad. I love my rose garden. I love my dog. I love music, Andre Boccelli, Pavorotti, Charlotte church. There are things that just make a person's spirit soar, and I guess those experiences should be enough. I hope you're holidays are wonderful.
Posted by Cass on December 17, 2001, at 19:26:15
In reply to Re: Update » Cass, posted by fi on December 12, 2001, at 6:06:53
Dear Fi,
I've been decorating for Christmas. I'm having a party on Saturday. I must give hand it to myself. The place looks glorious. Lots of lights and candles and Ponsettias. Just weeks ago I was so despondent and wanted to die. Now I'm socializing and having a pretty good time. I am still depressed, but I'm engaged in life again. I'm wishing you the best too. You're a good person.
Cass
Posted by Fi on December 20, 2001, at 8:05:38
In reply to Re: Update » fi, posted by Cass on December 17, 2001, at 19:26:15
Thank you- that's great! I'm glad you're feeling well enough to be getting some fun out of things. And praising yourself for what you've achieved.
Lets both have a good time next year!
Fi
> Dear Fi,
> I've been decorating for Christmas. I'm having a party on Saturday. I must give hand it to myself. The place looks glorious. Lots of lights and candles and Ponsettias. Just weeks ago I was so despondent and wanted to die. Now I'm socializing and having a pretty good time. I am still depressed, but I'm engaged in life again. I'm wishing you the best too. You're a good person.
> Cass
Posted by sar on December 29, 2001, at 21:27:28
In reply to Re: Update » sar, posted by Cass on December 17, 2001, at 19:22:43
Cass,
you're generous, and i'm glad you're feeling a bit better. i was worried about you for awhile.
sometimes i used to feel so gone and empty (before meds) that i felt like rolling around in the mud and eating tree leaves just to assure myself that i was alive!
(but i didn't)
love what you love. those are beautiful things to love, the things that you do. as far as roses go, have you ever read the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast? it was one of my favorites as a child, and when i was 4 years old i had my tonsils out, and my father said he would bring any gift i wished.
"a rose, just a red rose," i rasped.
please keep us updated. i feel that you're at a precarious time right now, and i want you to remain buoyant.
happiness, i think, is something abstract that we can't grasp. so i'll enjoy this shiraz and go lay in my boyfriend's arms to watch a video.
love ya girl,
sar
This is the end of the thread.
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