Posted by Sourceror on December 4, 2001, at 22:34:44
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Sourceror on December 4, 2001, at 20:55:26
My mood is fluctuating tonight in the time since I posted last I have gone from upset to now enraged. The thoughts are going off the wall I just want to inflict some sort of pain to myself be it bounce of a few walls or put my fist through a wall or hit a tree. I am feeling my manic side big time right now. I am trying to type through my high right now and I know if I act on it my parents will flip. This sucks 28 yrs old and back to living with my parents. They would just be so at a loss if I let loose my manic side. They so want to help me through my illness but I have no idea how they can help. They keep asking and all I can say is "I don't know". I tried a little taquilla to take that edge off but it didn't help. I just don't know what is gonna get me through this. I want it to be over with. I want some sort of escape. I feel like all I've been doing is whining here on this board and that is not how I want to be. It is even so hard for me to type because my thoughts are going faster than my fingers. I need to escape. What will do it? I even wonder if suicide would provide relief. What would happen after I did it? Would I go to what everyone refers to as hell? What would it be like? Could it really be worse than this? So much to ponder... If I tried suicide and failed could I live with the possible consequinces? Do I want to be stuck back in the hospital if I fail? I'm so baffeled and confused. I am overwhelmed to the point of pain. I look at my life and there is now good reason for me to feel this way. I have parents that love me and have taken me back in. I have a couple of friends. I have a job, not the greatest one but it is a job. When is enough enough?? ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where are my ruby red slippers that I can click together and say "there's no place like home" so I can be transported back to my life. I hate unloading on everyone like this but I felt this is one of the safest places to do it...least chance of getting institutionalized for doing it... I just hate my life and it's current outlook. At least this rant has eased tensions a little. I just want to go comatose and wake up some time next year. Well enough for now I guess..
L8R,
The Sourceror
poster:Sourceror
thread:14911
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/14923.html