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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kellyR. on January 4, 2001, at 15:14:07
Hi everyone it's been a long time since i posted anything here,i've been out of it this last 1 1/2 month really down almost didn't make it,i sat w/ all the pills i have (that could kill a horse)2 weeks ago tring to get the guts to do it,it seems i'm just as scared of dying as i am of living.I geuss you can say it's like a war going on in my head.This make it hard to think or do my job,everyone is yelling at me for not doing my job right,& my husband is mad that all i do at home is sleep.
All theses people stand around why do i feel so alone?
Posted by S. Howard on January 4, 2001, at 17:21:49
In reply to lost in the world, posted by kellyR. on January 4, 2001, at 15:14:07
Kelly-
Probably the best thing for you right now is to be admitted to the hospital. The fact that you are/were thinking of suicide and actually had a plan is very serious indeed. In the hospital you will have people to talk to and professionals to take care of you. You also need rest from these people that are complaining about you.
Good luck-
Gracie
Posted by shar on January 5, 2001, at 9:54:47
In reply to Re: lost in the world, posted by S. Howard on January 4, 2001, at 17:21:49
Kelly,
I haven't posted in a while either and am glad to see you still here.
I think one reason you might feel alone is that there are lots of people around, but they are all hassling you in one way or another. To feel less alone, to be able to receive something that does your heart good, the words you let in have to be caring.
I have always had a lot of suicidal ideation, but have developed my own personal taboos about it, and will not put myself in harm's way or hurt myself (but it is SO HARD not to). I'm glad that you were strong enough to resist the pills (you notice I did not say "too afraid" to resist). You have a core of strength - not fear - that keeps you moving through molasses days and desperation.
It is no easy job. I have a lot of admiration for you, and I don't want you to harm yourself at all. In fact, I would feel like it would be a shame and a waste to lose you. I am wondering if you could keep hanging on a while longer, and keep after doing your meds (try 'em all if you have to), and get rid of any pills you aren't taking anymore, and post again very soon and let us know how you are.
I will be looking out for a post from you. Take care of you,
Shar
Posted by Noa on January 5, 2001, at 10:47:15
In reply to Re: lost in the world, posted by S. Howard on January 4, 2001, at 17:21:49
Hi, Kelly!
I am sorry to hear how down you have been. I agree that going to the hospital is a good idea. Does your doctor know about how depressed you are and about coming close to taking the pills?
I am thankful that you did not go through with it, but I believe you deserve to feel better than just staying alive, and I believe it is possible. But you need more support and treatment, I think.
Posted by ksvt on January 5, 2001, at 16:38:18
In reply to Re: lost in the world, posted by Noa on January 5, 2001, at 10:47:15
>Maybe there is some post holiday traumatic stress, but I have been really struggling with the "S" issue lately also. I'm not staring at pills (I've never considered this to be a viable method anyway), but i have been drafting notes in my head that sound very reasoned to me. Yesterday, my therapist floated the idea of hospitalization for the first time. I have never been hospitalized and I wouldn't allow myself to be in any event, but it was rather sobering to have her raise the idea. I think certain mood states are more isolating than others. I think pondering suicide is the most isolating thing you can do, because it's not exactly the kind of thing that you can share with anyone. For me anyway, the more I think about it the more i have trouble getting off that train of thought, and after awhile it just gets to be painfully oppressive and of course very distracting. Kelly, I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep yourself around long enough to see if this state will pass. If you need to go into the hospital to keep yourself alive, than of course you should. Keep posting. ksvt
Hi, Kelly!
>
> I am sorry to hear how down you have been. I agree that going to the hospital is a good idea. Does your doctor know about how depressed you are and about coming close to taking the pills?
>
> I am thankful that you did not go through with it, but I believe you deserve to feel better than just staying alive, and I believe it is possible. But you need more support and treatment, I think.
Posted by Greg on January 5, 2001, at 18:26:39
In reply to Re: lost in the world, posted by ksvt on January 5, 2001, at 16:38:18
Kelly,
I really can't add much to what the others have said but to say that I hope you choose to stay with us. This would be a poorer place without you.I hope you get the help you need in what ever form or fashion that needs to be. My thoughts are with you.
ksvt,
I thought about what you said about pondering suicide being isolating and something you really can't share. I went thru a suicidal phase some months back where I contemplated every form imaginable. I think it was the fact that I shared what I was feeling with those around me that kept me from following thru with it. I guess the important thing is that we are all still here and talking to each other. When all else fails, we always got us...
I hope you are well,
Greg> >Maybe there is some post holiday traumatic stress, but I have been really struggling with the "S" issue lately also. I'm not staring at pills (I've never considered this to be a viable method anyway), but i have been drafting notes in my head that sound very reasoned to me. Yesterday, my therapist floated the idea of hospitalization for the first time. I have never been hospitalized and I wouldn't allow myself to be in any event, but it was rather sobering to have her raise the idea. I think certain mood states are more isolating than others. I think pondering suicide is the most isolating thing you can do, because it's not exactly the kind of thing that you can share with anyone. For me anyway, the more I think about it the more i have trouble getting off that train of thought, and after awhile it just gets to be painfully oppressive and of course very distracting. Kelly, I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep yourself around long enough to see if this state will pass. If you need to go into the hospital to keep yourself alive, than of course you should. Keep posting. ksvt
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Hi, Kelly!
> >
> > I am sorry to hear how down you have been. I agree that going to the hospital is a good idea. Does your doctor know about how depressed you are and about coming close to taking the pills?
> >
> > I am thankful that you did not go through with it, but I believe you deserve to feel better than just staying alive, and I believe it is possible. But you need more support and treatment, I think.
Posted by ksvt on January 5, 2001, at 20:04:51
In reply to Re: lost in the world - Kelly ksvt, posted by Greg on January 5, 2001, at 18:26:39
>Greg - did the people you shared your thoughts with include your spouse? I think if I were my husband, I would be incredibly angry and hurt, and I think it would undermine our trust. I just can't figure out any way to tell him that would not trigger that kind of reaction. I think I also get hung up on feeling overwelmingly ashamed that I even have these feelings. It's like the height of selfishness. If you did tell your wife, how did she react (obviously you don't have to answer that). Thanks for the response, though. I really think it helps me to have the outlet of this board. It provides me with a mechanism to "burn off" some of these more dangerous feelings. ksvt
Kelly,
>
> I really can't add much to what the others have said but to say that I hope you choose to stay with us. This would be a poorer place without you.I hope you get the help you need in what ever form or fashion that needs to be. My thoughts are with you.
>
> ksvt,
>
> I thought about what you said about pondering suicide being isolating and something you really can't share. I went thru a suicidal phase some months back where I contemplated every form imaginable. I think it was the fact that I shared what I was feeling with those around me that kept me from following thru with it. I guess the important thing is that we are all still here and talking to each other. When all else fails, we always got us...
>
> I hope you are well,
> Greg
>
> > >Maybe there is some post holiday traumatic stress, but I have been really struggling with the "S" issue lately also. I'm not staring at pills (I've never considered this to be a viable method anyway), but i have been drafting notes in my head that sound very reasoned to me. Yesterday, my therapist floated the idea of hospitalization for the first time. I have never been hospitalized and I wouldn't allow myself to be in any event, but it was rather sobering to have her raise the idea. I think certain mood states are more isolating than others. I think pondering suicide is the most isolating thing you can do, because it's not exactly the kind of thing that you can share with anyone. For me anyway, the more I think about it the more i have trouble getting off that train of thought, and after awhile it just gets to be painfully oppressive and of course very distracting. Kelly, I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep yourself around long enough to see if this state will pass. If you need to go into the hospital to keep yourself alive, than of course you should. Keep posting. ksvt
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Hi, Kelly!
> > >
> > > I am sorry to hear how down you have been. I agree that going to the hospital is a good idea. Does your doctor know about how depressed you are and about coming close to taking the pills?
> > >
> > > I am thankful that you did not go through with it, but I believe you deserve to feel better than just staying alive, and I believe it is possible. But you need more support and treatment, I think.
Posted by Noa on January 6, 2001, at 11:10:55
In reply to Re: lost in the world, posted by ksvt on January 5, 2001, at 16:38:18
K,
I am reading the threads on this page from the bottom up, so I responded to your post about bringing the kids into the therapy session below. Now that I have read this, I am absolutely sure I think it is a good idea for the kids to meet with you and the therapist, and your husband, because IF you decide to go into the hospital, they will obviously have to contend with your illness then, and it is better to start a dialogue in a non-emergency situation so that if you decide on hospitalization it doesn't have to be a surprise.
I gotta go, the librarian is kicking me off the computer--more later.
Posted by Greg on January 6, 2001, at 14:57:49
In reply to Re: lost in the world - Kelly ksvt » Greg, posted by ksvt on January 5, 2001, at 20:04:51
ksvt,
Yeah, absolutely. I told her everything I was feeling. I think she would have been angry and hurt if I hadn't told her, I know I would if it were the other way around. I know it scared the hell out of her, but she appreciated my being honest and she did everything she could to help me. She was very supportive and encouraged me to get into therapy, which I did (and still am doing). She of course kept a watchful eye on me... I also asked her to hold on to any meds that I could overdose on and only give me what I was supposed to be taking.
I'm not suggesting that you tell your spouse about what's going on with you, only you know what your relationship can tolerate. But sometimes I think you just have to take a chance and hope for the best. It's nice to have people around you that you can confide in. The feeling of being alone is the worst feeling in the world for me.
Greg
> >Greg - did the people you shared your thoughts with include your spouse? I think if I were my husband, I would be incredibly angry and hurt, and I think it would undermine our trust. I just can't figure out any way to tell him that would not trigger that kind of reaction. I think I also get hung up on feeling overwelmingly ashamed that I even have these feelings. It's like the height of selfishness. If you did tell your wife, how did she react (obviously you don't have to answer that). Thanks for the response, though. I really think it helps me to have the outlet of this board. It provides me with a mechanism to "burn off" some of these more dangerous feelings. ksvt
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Kelly,
> >
> > I really can't add much to what the others have said but to say that I hope you choose to stay with us. This would be a poorer place without you.I hope you get the help you need in what ever form or fashion that needs to be. My thoughts are with you.
> >
> > ksvt,
> >
> > I thought about what you said about pondering suicide being isolating and something you really can't share. I went thru a suicidal phase some months back where I contemplated every form imaginable. I think it was the fact that I shared what I was feeling with those around me that kept me from following thru with it. I guess the important thing is that we are all still here and talking to each other. When all else fails, we always got us...
> >
> > I hope you are well,
> > Greg
> >
> > > >Maybe there is some post holiday traumatic stress, but I have been really struggling with the "S" issue lately also. I'm not staring at pills (I've never considered this to be a viable method anyway), but i have been drafting notes in my head that sound very reasoned to me. Yesterday, my therapist floated the idea of hospitalization for the first time. I have never been hospitalized and I wouldn't allow myself to be in any event, but it was rather sobering to have her raise the idea. I think certain mood states are more isolating than others. I think pondering suicide is the most isolating thing you can do, because it's not exactly the kind of thing that you can share with anyone. For me anyway, the more I think about it the more i have trouble getting off that train of thought, and after awhile it just gets to be painfully oppressive and of course very distracting. Kelly, I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep yourself around long enough to see if this state will pass. If you need to go into the hospital to keep yourself alive, than of course you should. Keep posting. ksvt
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Hi, Kelly!
> > > >
> > > > I am sorry to hear how down you have been. I agree that going to the hospital is a good idea. Does your doctor know about how depressed you are and about coming close to taking the pills?
> > > >
> > > > I am thankful that you did not go through with it, but I believe you deserve to feel better than just staying alive, and I believe it is possible. But you need more support and treatment, I think.
Posted by ksvt on January 8, 2001, at 19:04:49
In reply to Re: lost in the world - ksvt, posted by Greg on January 6, 2001, at 14:57:49
>
Greg - I'm very impressed and maybe a little jealous. I think I've always been concerned that other people might find my verbal expressions of my suicidal ideation to be manipulative. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf. Both my current and past therapist have been bothered by the fact that I'm so reluctant to calling them in times of distress. Unless I have the proverbial gun actually pointed at my forehead, I can't rationalize bothering them. I see myself as being in alot of pain, but not in immediate danger. ksvt
>
> Yeah, absolutely. I told her everything I was feeling. I think she would have been angry and hurt if I hadn't told her, I know I would if it were the other way around. I know it scared the hell out of her, but she appreciated my being honest and she did everything she could to help me. She was very supportive and encouraged me to get into therapy, which I did (and still am doing). She of course kept a watchful eye on me... I also asked her to hold on to any meds that I could overdose on and only give me what I was supposed to be taking.
>
> I'm not suggesting that you tell your spouse about what's going on with you, only you know what your relationship can tolerate. But sometimes I think you just have to take a chance and hope for the best. It's nice to have people around you that you can confide in. The feeling of being alone is the worst feeling in the world for me.
>
> Greg
>
> > >Greg - did the people you shared your thoughts with include your spouse? I think if I were my husband, I would be incredibly angry and hurt, and I think it would undermine our trust. I just can't figure out any way to tell him that would not trigger that kind of reaction. I think I also get hung up on feeling overwelmingly ashamed that I even have these feelings. It's like the height of selfishness. If you did tell your wife, how did she react (obviously you don't have to answer that). Thanks for the response, though. I really think it helps me to have the outlet of this board. It provides me with a mechanism to "burn off" some of these more dangerous feelings. ksvt
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Kelly,
> > >
> > > I really can't add much to what the others have said but to say that I hope you choose to stay with us. This would be a poorer place without you.I hope you get the help you need in what ever form or fashion that needs to be. My thoughts are with you.
> > >
> > > ksvt,
> > >
> > > I thought about what you said about pondering suicide being isolating and something you really can't share. I went thru a suicidal phase some months back where I contemplated every form imaginable. I think it was the fact that I shared what I was feeling with those around me that kept me from following thru with it. I guess the important thing is that we are all still here and talking to each other. When all else fails, we always got us...
> > >
> > > I hope you are well,
> > > Greg
> > >
> > > > >Maybe there is some post holiday traumatic stress, but I have been really struggling with the "S" issue lately also. I'm not staring at pills (I've never considered this to be a viable method anyway), but i have been drafting notes in my head that sound very reasoned to me. Yesterday, my therapist floated the idea of hospitalization for the first time. I have never been hospitalized and I wouldn't allow myself to be in any event, but it was rather sobering to have her raise the idea. I think certain mood states are more isolating than others. I think pondering suicide is the most isolating thing you can do, because it's not exactly the kind of thing that you can share with anyone. For me anyway, the more I think about it the more i have trouble getting off that train of thought, and after awhile it just gets to be painfully oppressive and of course very distracting. Kelly, I think you should do whatever is necessary to keep yourself around long enough to see if this state will pass. If you need to go into the hospital to keep yourself alive, than of course you should. Keep posting. ksvt
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Hi, Kelly!
> > > > >
> > > > > I am sorry to hear how down you have been. I agree that going to the hospital is a good idea. Does your doctor know about how depressed you are and about coming close to taking the pills?
> > > > >
> > > > > I am thankful that you did not go through with it, but I believe you deserve to feel better than just staying alive, and I believe it is possible. But you need more support and treatment, I think.
Posted by ksvt on January 8, 2001, at 19:16:59
In reply to Re: lost in the world, posted by Noa on January 6, 2001, at 11:10:55
>Noa - I don't consider hospitalization to be an option but I do agree that it's better to draw my kids into this, if at all necessary, in a non-emergency situation. You have advocated to me on a number of occassions that I ought to be looking for a greater AD effect from my medication. I just wanted you to know that I haven't brushed off that suggestion. Over the last several weeks I've increased the AD I've been on for years hoping it would give me at least a temporary boost. Unfortunately, it hasn't had that effect. I'm reluctant to try more new meds under the supervision of my current pdoc because he intends to fold up his practice in about 2 months. I finally was able to reach a pdoc who has been recommended to me by my therapist, but she can't see me for about 5 weeks. I really wanted someone to take a fresh look at my situation. I'm hoping I've sort of bottomed out for the time being, but if things seem to get worse, I guess I'll let my soon-to-be-retired pdoc prescribe some sort of augmentation drug. I'm not sure what else I can do. ksvt
K,
>
> I am reading the threads on this page from the bottom up, so I responded to your post about bringing the kids into the therapy session below. Now that I have read this, I am absolutely sure I think it is a good idea for the kids to meet with you and the therapist, and your husband, because IF you decide to go into the hospital, they will obviously have to contend with your illness then, and it is better to start a dialogue in a non-emergency situation so that if you decide on hospitalization it doesn't have to be a surprise.
>
> I gotta go, the librarian is kicking me off the computer--more later.
This is the end of the thread.
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