![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
Hi. I´m 22, and I would really like to have kids someday. However, there is a mental illness gene that plagues my family. My sister and I have had depression since we were 12 years old. I have had some obsessive-compulsive disorder and a great deal of generalized anxiety disorder. My mom is bipolar. My paternal grandfather died from alcoholism, and my maternal half-aunt committed suicide.
Clearly, there is a misery gene in my family. Whenever I´m in the throes of a terrible depression, I feel that I could never risk putting another person through this. For that reason, I am considering not having any children. If I had a child, and that child suffers the way I have suffered, I would feel extremely guilty. But I really want children of my own, and I´m sure my future husband will too. If a guy wanted children and/or knew of my mental illness gene, he may think twice about marrying me. Also, if I don´t have kids I will be missing out on a big part of life.
Does anybody else out there feel this torment? Please share your thoughts.
Posted by Ted on December 7, 2000, at 14:28:17
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
Hi PhoenixGirl,
When I was younger (I'm 39), I knew I had depression and probably bipolar disorder. Now I am officially diagnosed with BP-II. I, too, felt it would be terrible to have kids who had similar problems. (my sister & father probably have BP-II, and my mother, father, sister, and I all have OCD to some extent; runs in my father's family).
Well, once my wife was pregnant, it was no longer my choice or control. Our son seems happy and healthy. Time will tell. There is a lot of mental illness in my wife's family too (depression & OCD).
Remember: There is another component which might be as big a factor: environment. Even if you had a child who was genetically healthy, just being around you and your family might cause depression. This is completely beyond your control. Perhaps the alcoholism was due to the suicide, and the suicide was due to problems from parental depression that arose from..... -- it might just be feeding on itself and have little genetic basis at all.
One other point: I feel there is no other person better suited to care for a mentally ill child that a parent with similar experience. You *will* understand your child's depression and will be able to help from an early age, and you can share your experiences. That alone is FAR better than I had in my repressive family.
Don't worry so much! Find the best partner you can, and go for it.
Ted
Posted by Noa on December 7, 2000, at 16:41:10
In reply to Re: Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by Ted on December 7, 2000, at 14:28:17
Hi, this is a big issue, one that is brought up here every once on a while, with very different opinions from different people.
I understand the fear, but I also feel that it is not certain that a child you might have would necessarily be doomed to suffer. First of all, new treatments are developing. Second of all, you would be sensitive to the potential for illness, and could monitor how the child is doing, ready to intervene appropriately as needed. Also, early treatment could possibly mediate how severe or chronic the course of illness could be.
A gene in and of itself isn't everything. It is something, but not everything. If my depression had been treated adequately early on, I would probably not have developed such a chronic illness, and wouldn't have struggled so much just trying to keep up with life, which itself has added to my depression problems.
Each of us needs to make the decision about this that is right for us, but I would encourage you to keep the book open. You are young, and this gives you time. Perhaps treatments 5 or ten years from now will make you feel more optimistic about the idea of having kids. Perhaps you will be in a place in your life where you have solid supports built in for you that would help you feel more ready for dealing with a child who might need that something extra. Who knows.
Posted by stjames on December 7, 2000, at 18:27:36
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
Instead of playing "what if", when you are ready
to consider children, consult with a genetic counsler. They can better answer your questions.james
Posted by Christina on December 8, 2000, at 0:53:37
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
I'm in my late 30s and the severity of my mental illness increased after the birth of my only child.
I began reading all I could about mental illness and learned how it was truly rampant in my family, and I became very concerned about passing this on to my child.
Since I suffer from BP-II, I decided that I would not have any more children for two reasons:
1. I did feel confident about my abililty to be a responsible parent to another child given my increasing problems with BP.
2. I began to see a true genetic pre-disposition for BP in my family.However, I do agree with the previous poster who said that one needs to look at envirommental factors as well to determine whether mental illnesses are nature vs. nurture.
In my case.. .it's definetely a bum gene.You may find, that your problems are alleviated by short-term meds and therapy which would be a good indicator that your problem is not so much genetic, but environmental.
Good luck.
Posted by ksvt on December 8, 2000, at 7:23:23
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
> Phoenix - I certainly share your concern. I have 2 teenagers and I find my self ever vigilant for signs of depression, particularly with my son, who has always somehow seemed more vulnerable to me. I'm not sure about the genetics part of it, becasue I've never been able to find much evidence of depression of it in my family. I worry more sometimes about my kids just spending so much time around a depressed person, altho admittedly, this is something I brood about more when I am depressed. I just finished reading for the 3rd or 4th time, Kay Redfield Jamison's book An Unquiet Mind. She is bi-polar. She does not have kids altho that is more a matter of circumstance than choice. She talks about this very issue and clearly comes down on the side of having children. You should read it if you have not already. ksvt
Hi. I´m 22, and I would really like to have kids someday. However, there is a mental illness gene that plagues my family. My sister and I have had depression since we were 12 years old. I have had some obsessive-compulsive disorder and a great deal of generalized anxiety disorder. My mom is bipolar. My paternal grandfather died from alcoholism, and my maternal half-aunt committed suicide.
> Clearly, there is a misery gene in my family. Whenever I´m in the throes of a terrible depression, I feel that I could never risk putting another person through this. For that reason, I am considering not having any children. If I had a child, and that child suffers the way I have suffered, I would feel extremely guilty. But I really want children of my own, and I´m sure my future husband will too. If a guy wanted children and/or knew of my mental illness gene, he may think twice about marrying me. Also, if I don´t have kids I will be missing out on a big part of life.
> Does anybody else out there feel this torment? Please share your thoughts.
Posted by Rzip on December 8, 2000, at 14:35:53
In reply to a reasonable fear » PhoenixGirl, posted by Christina on December 8, 2000, at 0:53:37
PhoenixGirl,
While I understand your concerns, I just wanted to point one thing out. From a philosophical perspective, human beings by definition are unique individuals. I think you should put your wish to bear child first and let the laws of nature takes its course.
I guess the real question for you to ponder is this:
If I can convince you that the theory of genetic misfortune is negligible, what is your underlying fear(s) about childbearing or becoming a parent?- Rzip
Posted by Kingfish on December 8, 2000, at 15:03:28
In reply to Re: genetic/environmental vs. human beings, posted by Rzip on December 8, 2000, at 14:35:53
I am 29 and have been married 8 years with no children. I go back and forth on this subject, which I'm sure drives my poor husband crazy. Mental illness, depression and bipolar disorder, run in my family, too.
I think it's a very legitimate question and am impressed that you're already considering it. I don't know the answer. I imagine that if you find a treament that works really well for you, you'll feel more up to the task of having a family when the time is right and, as was mentioned previously, you'll have the benefit of being sensitive to the possibilty of it happening in your children. Remember we can pass many "defective" genes to our children without knowing it, and yet sometimes the illness doesn't show up - some members of my family are fine.
Re: finding someone who will deal this - if he's not willing to compromise for you and understand this concern, forget it. It is absolutely imperative to fall in love with someone who falls in love with you and to be devoted to each other regardless of life's set backs.
Posted by mr. man on December 8, 2000, at 18:11:48
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
Why continue the cycle, thats what your saying, and your right, you shouldnt continue the cycle, when you say its a big part of life, its only going to be a big part of life if you have a child, you dont have to have children to live a full and meaningful life do you, just because everyone has kids doesnt mean you have to or should, you want to have kids, but is that really a good idea, only you know the answer,also I just thought id mention there are about 6 billion other people in the world that are going to have kids. the survival of our species doesnt depend on you, know what I mean, I dont know how women think but I would guess that eventually they hear their biological clock ticking and its a desision made by the emotions, not the brain, and as far as a guy wanting children and caring about your mental illness gene, I think there are many guys that dont want kids, if there is real love there then some mental illness wont matter, and marrage, well the average marrage lasts what, I dont know just for a guess 5 years, anyway if you dont like my post then just forget about it, for some reason I just coundnt resist
> Hi. I´m 22, and I would really like to have kids someday. However, there is a mental illness gene that plagues my family. My sister and I have had depression since we were 12 years old. I have had some obsessive-compulsive disorder and a great deal of generalized anxiety disorder. My mom is bipolar. My paternal grandfather died from alcoholism, and my maternal half-aunt committed suicide.
> Clearly, there is a misery gene in my family. Whenever I´m in the throes of a terrible depression, I feel that I could never risk putting another person through this. For that reason, I am considering not having any children. If I had a child, and that child suffers the way I have suffered, I would feel extremely guilty. But I really want children of my own, and I´m sure my future husband will too. If a guy wanted children and/or knew of my mental illness gene, he may think twice about marrying me. Also, if I don´t have kids I will be missing out on a big part of life.
> Does anybody else out there feel this torment? Please share your thoughts.
Posted by mr. man on December 8, 2000, at 19:09:03
In reply to Re: Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by Noa on December 7, 2000, at 16:41:10
also there are a lot of children out there, you could be a freind to a child thats already here, or you might even consider adopting a child?
Posted by S. Howard on December 9, 2000, at 20:11:14
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
Once again, James is right. I worked at Shriners Hospital for many years, and genetic counseling was provided for teenagers and families with serious -even fatal- hereditary orthopedic conditions. Despite this, it was shocking to see how many of them just kept on having kids...some normal and some not. Anyway, it's very responsible of you to be concerned and genetic counseling would be helpful for you.For what it's worth, my 19-year-old son never suffered a day of low self-esteem, much less depression. He thinks he's just great, which is fine by me. I've had very serious problems, but he's always been the light of my life and I tried hard to be a good soccer/baseball/boyscout mom
without being too protective (although it was really really tough). If you think you're ready for that, you could be on your way.
-Gracie
Posted by NikkiT2 on December 13, 2000, at 11:50:35
In reply to Fear of passing mental illness gene to kids, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 7, 2000, at 13:23:44
I'm also terrified about this. Looking back, I can see my father had some minor, but unresolved mental problems, and my eldest brother had a "breakdown" a coupe of years ago, and now has talk therapy once a month - but as it's never realluy discussed int he family, I'm not sure what really is wrong.
I'm 26, and married just over a year ago. Obviously, having children is something quite strongly on my mind at the moment, even though we plan to wait another 2 or three years before having any children. I am so worried about it, as I would never want to put my children through what I go through...
ho hum!!
Nikki
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.