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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
And your body is trapped, too. (I moved in with my family after going on disability due to depression, and because it didn't seem like a good idea to be alone.) My mind is in hell; my body is in a place where "depression" is so foreign a term to everyone that it's almost absurd.
I'm told to regulate my sleeping schedule. (I can't sleep until 5-6 am and then get up at 2 pm.) I keep trying - it goes back to where it was. Getting things thrown on me and horns blown, etc., etc. at 9:30 am do not help, they hinder.
At least my stepfather has finally quit telling me how ugly I look at least 3 times a day (literally) since I finally completely broke down over that one.
If I were them, I'd hate to live with me, too. I can't even manage to sweep the floor. My mother set a sweeper outside my door, and apparently I was stepping over it for almost a week before I finally realized that it was even there. When she leaves me notes to do chores and such, it just seems impossible. I wish it didn't - I actually do WANT to help - but how do you explain that suddenly the floor just seems way too big, dusting seems like you might as well just give up - about the only thing I can manage to do is empty the damn dishwasher.
I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I'm fully aware that they don't have to let me be here, etc. It's just that my head is a nightmare in itself, right now I can't seem to stop crying, and I feel like I'm being further pounded into the ground by everything around here, although I know it's not intentional...
Sorry. Don't really mean to rant, it's just that there's no one to talk to but the dog, and I think he's sick of listening... I just want o be buried in a hole and never come out.
Posted by pullmarine on November 4, 2000, at 13:47:56
In reply to Ever feel you're trapped in hell in your head?, posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
It all sounds too familiar.
>
> I'm told to regulate my sleeping schedule. (I can't sleep until 5-6 am and then get up at 2 pm.) I keep trying - it goes back to where it was.It took me a long time to get myself into a routine and regulate my sleep. There were times when making myself a cup of coffee was too much of an effort (and i'm not exagerating). While it takes personal effort to get into a routine and regulate one's sleep, don't beat yourself up over it. The way I went about getting into a routine is by doing volunteer work for a cause I believed in, and I'd recommend for u to look into this.
> At least my stepfather has finally quit telling me how ugly I look at least 3 times a day (literally) since I finally completely broke down over that one.He sounds like a prick!
>
> If I were them, I'd hate to live with me, too.Chances are, you're easier to live with than you think. Even if you're not easy to live with, that's what friends and relatives are for. It is their duty to be there for you when you need them. and would u not do the same for them if the tables were turned?
I can't even manage to sweep the floor.
Don't worry about that right now. Take it slowly. try to enjoy little things: A glass of wine, a cigarette in the yard, hugging the dog, etc. Start taking walks around the block every morning to get yourself into a routine.When she leaves me notes to do chores and such, it just seems impossible.
Right now, it probably is. Try to do some of the chores anyway, specially the ones that are easier to get through.
I wish it didn't - I actually do WANT to help - but how do you explain that suddenly the floor just seems way too big, dusting seems like you might as well just give up - about the only thing.
The floor is probably too big a task right now. give yourself a break, you need it. If you had any other illness that caused pain and exhaustion, no one would expect you to clean the floor.
I can manage to do is empty the damn dishwasher.
>I also started getting my life together with the dishwasher. It was the only thing I could manage for a long time!!!
I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I'm fully aware that they don't have to let me be here, etc. It's just that my head is a nightmare in itself, right now I can't seem to stop crying, and I feel like I'm being further pounded into the ground by everything around here, although I know it's not intentional...
>You're right, it's not intentional.
> Sorry. Don't really mean to rant, it's just that there's no one to talk to but the dog, and I think he's sick of listening... I just want o be buried in a hole and never come out.Please read: everything i really needed to know i learned in kindergarten and the harry potter books. i think these books will help you get through this period.
All my love,
john
Posted by R.Anne on November 4, 2000, at 13:58:04
In reply to Ever feel you're trapped in hell in your head?, posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
I hope I'll do better than the dog in responding. I think it's a good idea you wrote here. I too know that feeling of being trapped by my limitations presently. I'm sorry that the people you live with don't understand what you are going through and are making things worse for you. I've had that experience, too. When I felt worthless and in the pits of depression some people close to me didn't believe me and then I obsessed (when I'm very depressed I obsess a lot) about how they were treating me. I find it hard not to obsess at those times. That's a very difficult situation you are in, to be sure. Can you get help for the depression? I think that your family needs to get educated on what you are going through but I don't know if they would do that. What I did for myself was to concentrate on getting better and I got medicine for depression among other things. I know that things seem impossible for you now but they can improve. I think if I were you I would want to work toward getting a place of my own because unless there is a drastic change in the people you live with they aren't doing you a lot of good. You might have financial costraints that might stop you from moving now but seeing a therapist and coming up with a plan on how to have a better life and working toward that might help you. I really feel for you and hope you can get the help you need. Sorry, if this response isn't too good but I'm a bit foggy from depression myself. Good luck to you.
*****
> And your body is trapped, too. (I moved in with my family after going on disability due to depression, and because it didn't seem like a good idea to be alone.) My mind is in hell; my body is in a place where "depression" is so foreign a term to everyone that it's almost absurd.
>
> I'm told to regulate my sleeping schedule. (I can't sleep until 5-6 am and then get up at 2 pm.) I keep trying - it goes back to where it was. Getting things thrown on me and horns blown, etc., etc. at 9:30 am do not help, they hinder.
>
> At least my stepfather has finally quit telling me how ugly I look at least 3 times a day (literally) since I finally completely broke down over that one.
>
> If I were them, I'd hate to live with me, too. I can't even manage to sweep the floor. My mother set a sweeper outside my door, and apparently I was stepping over it for almost a week before I finally realized that it was even there. When she leaves me notes to do chores and such, it just seems impossible. I wish it didn't - I actually do WANT to help - but how do you explain that suddenly the floor just seems way too big, dusting seems like you might as well just give up - about the only thing I can manage to do is empty the damn dishwasher.
>
> I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I'm fully aware that they don't have to let me be here, etc. It's just that my head is a nightmare in itself, right now I can't seem to stop crying, and I feel like I'm being further pounded into the ground by everything around here, although I know it's not intentional...
>
> Sorry. Don't really mean to rant, it's just that there's no one to talk to but the dog, and I think he's sick of listening... I just want o be buried in a hole and never come out.
Posted by R.Anne on November 4, 2000, at 15:39:31
In reply to Keep talking, we're all ears!!!! » Angela5, posted by pullmarine on November 4, 2000, at 13:47:56
I forgot to say that I hope you will keep posting here and you made me feel like I'm not alone. You see, I'm going through something similar. Look forward to hearing more from you, Angel.
Posted by kellyR. on November 4, 2000, at 22:07:29
In reply to Ever feel you're trapped in hell in your head?, posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
> And your body is trapped, too. (I moved in with my family after going on disability due to depression, and because it didn't seem like a good idea to be alone.) My mind is in hell; my body is in a place where "depression" is so foreign a term to everyone that it's almost absurd.
>
> I'm told to regulate my sleeping schedule. (I can't sleep until 5-6 am and then get up at 2 pm.) I keep trying - it goes back to where it was. Getting things thrown on me and horns blown, etc., etc. at 9:30 am do not help, they hinder.
>
> At least my stepfather has finally quit telling me how ugly I look at least 3 times a day (literally) since I finally completely broke down over that one.
>
> If I were them, I'd hate to live with me, too. I can't even manage to sweep the floor. My mother set a sweeper outside my door, and apparently I was stepping over it for almost a week before I finally realized that it was even there. When she leaves me notes to do chores and such, it just seems impossible. I wish it didn't - I actually do WANT to help - but how do you explain that suddenly the floor just seems way too big, dusting seems like you might as well just give up - about the only thing I can manage to do is empty the damn dishwasher.
>
> I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I'm fully aware that they don't have to let me be here, etc. It's just that my head is a nightmare in itself, right now I can't seem to stop crying, and I feel like I'm being further pounded into the ground by everything around here, although I know it's not intentional...
>
> Sorry. Don't really mean to rant, it's just that there's no one to talk to but the dog, and I think he's sick of listening... I just want o be buried in a hole and never come out.
> >When I first meet my husband he wasn't very clear about why I was on disability,or why i couldn't get myself to leave the house even to get the mail.He didn't understand the crying,nightmares,walking around the house w/ a loaded gun(thinking people are out to hurt me or rape me).He would tell me to go to work & it well all go away.he almost left me when I couldn't go into a store,we where fighting out in the car him tring to get me to go in,& he got so mad that he started to walk home.He thought that it was him that i was embarrass to be w/ him. it was yrs. that this went on & when i went into the hospital cause i tried to kill myself,that he started to understand but he still kept the saying that if got a job it will all go away,well i've been working 3yrs. now, somethings have got better,still have alote to work on but when you have people that understand what you are going though it makes it so much easier to get though it without people making you feel worst then you already feel.Get some reading on depression & let them go though them.If that doesn't help maybe you should look for a different living arangement. I lived in a group home for a while to get away from my granparents that would always try to blame my friends for the way i was."just a thought".
Posted by B Day on November 4, 2000, at 23:16:29
In reply to Ever feel you're trapped in hell in your head?, posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
Angela,
Depression in itself can be very painful to live with, but when pressure outside of our skin bears down on us as well, life can hardly seem worth living at times.
I feel for the difficulty you are having. I hope that you won't blame yourself too much or feel so guilty for things these things which are not really your fault and which you are unable to control.
There was a time not so long ago when I was as ignorant of my own depressed condition as those around me were. Some of them still are. I learned though that I was not responsible for my depression or the lousy way it made me under its influence. I also learned it was something I couldn't overcome by sheer will power.
The most important things about depression I've learned are that it is very treatable and there is much help available for both those of us who suffer from it and those who love us.
This is a fine web board you've found. There are caring people here who can relate with many of your experiences. I hope you will keep coming back here to read, to talk, to ask for help, anytime you need too.
Try to be patient with yourself. Give yourself some time. Find a quiet time and place in your house that you can look into a mirror. I'm serious. Hug yourself tightly, look into your own eyes and tell yourself these words: "I love you".
Hang in there,
B Day
Posted by S. Howard on November 5, 2000, at 1:53:48
In reply to Ever feel you're trapped in hell in your head?, posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
I don't think that living with such a family is good for you. I can relate, because my mother is from hell.The first misconception you must get over is that being a "night person" is strange or wrong. Your internal clock is just set differently. I prefer sleeping during the day, and getting up sometime before the banks close. Many creative people are the same way, perhaps because they need quiet to focus on their art or writing or music. This puts you in excellent company, whether you're particularly creative yourself or not.
I'm an artist myself, but it takes a great deal of time to finish a painting and more time to sell it. To supplement our income, I'm learning medical transcription, which I can do at home- at night.
Try to make a break from your family. They obviously don't understand you and don't want to.
They're damaging your self-esteem, and nobody needs that crap. -SGH
Posted by noa on November 5, 2000, at 10:58:54
In reply to Keep talking, we're all ears!!!! » Angela5, posted by pullmarine on November 4, 2000, at 13:47:56
Angela, how are your days spent? It sounds like you need more structure, and to get out and be with people other than your family.
Posted by shar on November 6, 2000, at 11:08:40
In reply to Re: Keep talking, we're all ears!!!!, posted by noa on November 5, 2000, at 10:58:54
Angela,
You put it very well. I have often felt that way and am working to try to find a solution (counseling, meds). My family insists that it's time for me to "quit being depressed."That's the extent of their support.
I feel for you, and hope you can get into some counseling, and/or find a good doc to work with on meds.
P.S. I am also a "night" person. I feel so much better going to bed at 4 or 5 a.m. -- when I am working and have to be there at 8 a.m. it is just more hell.
S
Posted by Angela5 on November 6, 2000, at 16:14:24
In reply to Re: Keep talking, we're all ears!!!!, posted by shar on November 6, 2000, at 11:08:40
Thanks, everyone, for all of your support. It is definitely nice to learn that I'm not completely alone...
Does anyone have that annoying problem of family members (or whomever) comparing them to "their" depression, or that of someone else they know? Not to minimize anyone else's experiences - I mean, many are much worse - but often the people who do this have a completely closed mind. Depression normally comes with a special kind of sensitivity and attunement (is that a word?) to others; is this missing in these people who have experienced it? Actually, when I think about it, it is mostly men in my life - former significant other, my stepfather, etc. - that do this. I think in them it is just one more manifestation of our cultural "training" gone awry.
To answer questions raised by some of you, I do have a pdoc and do take meds. However, as many of you are all-to-familiar, I am in the throes of that wonderful, trial-and-error phenomenon that seems necessary to psychiatric treatment. I keep thinking that I just have to be patient a little while longer, but what if I run out of meds to even try??
Oh, well. Anway, I've lost my train of thought, so I will go for now...
Thanks again,
Angela
Posted by Noa on November 6, 2000, at 17:01:47
In reply to Re: Keep talking, we're all ears!!!!, posted by Angela5 on November 6, 2000, at 16:14:24
> but what if I run out of meds to even try??
This is a fear I have had, but I have learned that there seem to be more meds out there to try, and my assumptions that I have exhausted all resources were just incorrect. Keep us posted as to how things are going.
Posted by kellyR. on November 6, 2000, at 20:22:52
In reply to Re: Keep talking, we're all ears!!!!, posted by Angela5 on November 6, 2000, at 16:14:24
> Thanks, everyone, for all of your support. It is definitely nice to learn that I'm not completely alone...
>
> Does anyone have that annoying problem of family members (or whomever) comparing them to "their" depression, or that of someone else they know? Not to minimize anyone else's experiences - I mean, many are much worse - but often the people who do this have a completely closed mind. Depression normally comes with a special kind of sensitivity and attunement (is that a word?) to others; is this missing in these people who have experienced it? Actually, when I think about it, it is mostly men in my life - former significant other, my stepfather, etc. - that do this. I think in them it is just one more manifestation of our cultural "training" gone awry.
>
> To answer questions raised by some of you, I do have a pdoc and do take meds. However, as many of you are all-to-familiar, I am in the throes of that wonderful, trial-and-error phenomenon that seems necessary to psychiatric treatment. I keep thinking that I just have to be patient a little while longer, but what if I run out of meds to even try??
>
> Oh, well. Anway, I've lost my train of thought, so I will go for now...
>
> Thanks again,
>
> AngelaMy DR. put me on Haldo, I was on this when I was 18yrs. old(I'm 31 now) I was scared at first to take it again because it made me feel out of it then, But now it seems different not that bad (so far).And 3 new meds are coming out in the new year if this doesn't work for me(Sertindole-quetiapine-olanzapine).I don't think there going to stop tring to make bettter meds for deperssion,it all about money & this is one big money maker for them.
Posted by Christina on November 7, 2000, at 12:03:46
In reply to Re: Keep talking, we're all ears!!!! » Angela5, posted by kellyR. on November 6, 2000, at 20:22:52
Most people don't understand how those of us who suffer from depression are literally trapped by limitations.
I had this conversation with a coworker today who knows my situation.
I told her my inability to do certain things was similar to a person confined to a wheelchair. We have to contend with an external set of limitations... not something internal that we can flip a switch and change.
You can't tell a paraplegic, Get Up and Walk, any more than you can say to me "Just Do It."
Believe me, if I could, I would.
Posted by B Day on November 7, 2000, at 14:29:43
In reply to Trapped by our limitations, posted by Christina on November 7, 2000, at 12:03:46
Christina,
I've never heard it said any better than the way you just said it.
B
----------------------------------------------
> Most people don't understand how those of us who suffer from depression are literally trapped by limitations.
> I had this conversation with a coworker today who knows my situation.
> I told her my inability to do certain things was similar to a person confined to a wheelchair. We have to contend with an external set of limitations... not something internal that we can flip a switch and change.
> You can't tell a paraplegic, Get Up and Walk, any more than you can say to me "Just Do It."
> Believe me, if I could, I would.
>
>
>
>
Posted by pullmarine on November 7, 2000, at 21:01:26
In reply to Re: Keep talking, we're all ears!!!!, posted by Angela5 on November 6, 2000, at 16:14:24
> Thanks, everyone, for all of your support. It is definitely nice to learn that I'm not completely alone...
TOGETHER WE STAND!!!!!>
> Does anyone have that annoying problem of family members (or whomever) comparing them to "their" depression, or that of someone else they know? Not to minimize anyone else's experiences - I mean, many are much worse - but often the people who do this have a completely closed mind. Depression normally comes with a special kind of sensitivity and attunement (is that a word?) to others; is this missing in these people who have experienced it? Actually, when I think about it, it is mostly men in my life - former significant other, my stepfather, etc. - that do this. I think in them it is just one more manifestation of our cultural "training" gone awry.
>
Research on support groups have indicated that most men are not very apt at providing psycho-emoytional support.
> To answer questions raised by some of you, I do have a pdoc and do take meds. However, as many of you are all-to-familiar, I am in the throes of that wonderful, trial-and-error phenomenon that seems necessary to psychiatric treatment. I keep thinking that I just have to be patient a little while longer, but what if I run out of meds to even try??
>Depression, whether treated with meds or not, is temporary. Also, there are many non-chemical ways of overcomming depression.
John
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