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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dari on October 24, 2000, at 9:27:08
Hi everyone:
I have been pretty healthy for the last 6 months. I've found a med that works for me finally, after 18 in two years that didn't and 12 hospitalizations. I take neurontin 900mg daily and it's pretty effective. I suffer from bpII, ptsd, bpd and an anxiety disorder(was diagnosed in 98 after getting sober). For the last two months I've been volunteering at my son's school and playing tennis at least once a week. I'm taking a class presumably towards my masters. I've had pneumonia (which I'm now over) for the last month plus migraines last weekend which really threw me for a loop. I hate to whine but I just don't feel good. I'm not physically sick from the pneumonia anymore but I'm completely unmotivated to get anything done. It takes a list with big squares to check off to get stuff done. I still cook meals for the family and do laundry and meet my commitments (the few I make), but I'm not happy. I try to keep myself out of bed during the day and read voraciously (a book a day), I just don't get it... I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and yet things are not right again. I truly believed after such a wonderful summer (it was phenomenal!) that I had beat this #@$#% beast to death and that I was okay. I'm not though, and it's so frustrating. I don't know what to do. Unfortunately for me, one of the hallmarks of my particular brand of illness is that I tend to go from fine to terrible in lightning speed. As I've tried to explain to my therapist, I just don't bounce. Most people bounce back when something big or small/bad or good occurs in their life. Not me. I just don't know if I can go through this again. My son is finally stabilized after seeing his mom sick so... much and now I'm scared that he's going to have to go through it again. Intellectually I know that I will get through this, but the pain is unbearable and blinding.
Hanging on...
Dari
Posted by shar on October 24, 2000, at 10:21:11
In reply to I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by dari on October 24, 2000, at 9:27:08
Dari,
My heart goes out to you, and I am so very glad you are hanging on. Keep on hanging on.You are doing a lot of stuff: volunteering, tennis, class for your master's, cooking, meeting other commitments, and recovering from pneumonia. I am wondering if you are doing too much at the moment. Recovery from an illness like pneumonia is a longish process, and I know as I got older (I'm not saying you are old!) I didn't recover as quickly as before. Your immune system takes a real hit. And that affects how we feel in many different ways.
Maybe you need to take a couple of steps away from the chasm toward more rest, or more gentle exercise, more therapy, and a good med check. You are right now functional, a perfect time to see if you can prevent another visit from the Beast.
Good luck! I will be thinking of you and wishing you oh so well.
Shar
Posted by noa on October 24, 2000, at 10:44:41
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long » dari, posted by shar on October 24, 2000, at 10:21:11
Shar expressed some of what I was going to say--maybe you are putting expectations on yourself that are causing pressure, expecting the "perfect" recovery, etc.
Another thought is the question about Seasonal Affective Disorder--you might want to ask your pdoc about trying out a light box to see if it helps. A friend of mine's therapist called the light box company and explained that she wanted to test it out to see if she should start recommending it to clients. They sent her one for a month. She let my friend try it and it worked so my friend bought one. Maybe your pdoc could try this?
Posted by ksvt on October 24, 2000, at 11:16:00
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by noa on October 24, 2000, at 10:44:41
Dari - I know with me that it's hard to keep myself mentally balanced when I'm sick - particularly with infections that take so much energy to fight off. You just start feeling like you have no "fight." I had the flu last winter and it took me forever to really feel like I was recovered. I also think Noa's suggestion is a good one. I've been very down lately - part of it I think is that I just discovered I had a bacterial infection that left me pretty wiped. I also think tho that it's hard to muster energy when you start thinking about a long winter ahead, particularly after such a great summer. good luck ksvt
> Shar expressed some of what I was going to say--maybe you are putting expectations on yourself that are causing pressure, expecting the "perfect" recovery, etc.
>
> Another thought is the question about Seasonal Affective Disorder--you might want to ask your pdoc about trying out a light box to see if it helps. A friend of mine's therapist called the light box company and explained that she wanted to test it out to see if she should start recommending it to clients. They sent her one for a month. She let my friend try it and it worked so my friend bought one. Maybe your pdoc could try this?
Posted by noa on October 24, 2000, at 15:55:55
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by ksvt on October 24, 2000, at 11:16:00
I totally missed the part about you being sick! (can I blame today's head injury for that?)
A couple of weeks back, I think I may have written about how when I am sick, it is hard to fight off the depression. Partly psychological--I start to feel like "here we go again, another thing to get in the way of functioning normally", which is just the same old confirmation of negative beliefs about myself--and partly physical--the body is fatigued, fighting off infection, etc., and those feelings seem so similar to the physical experience of depression, it is easy to have the boundaries blur.
Posted by dari on October 24, 2000, at 17:18:09
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long » dari, posted by shar on October 24, 2000, at 10:21:11
Dear Shar:
Thank you for your kind words. You are right... I am functional. I think one of the biggest problems with me is that I saw this summer as being the vindication for me emotionally that I was really alright and all the @$#@$ labels that they gave me were wrong. It's hard to imagine when things are going well that things won't always go well. That despite a string of sunny days that eventually it WILL rain again. You are right on the money, too, about probably doing too much. Again, last year I was so incapacitated on meds (completely over medicated) that I couldn't do anything. So now, I feel subconsciously like I have no justification for not doing more, in that I'm not a zombie anymore. A lifetime of self berating and battering is tough to cure overnight, I am finding. You are also right on the money about my immune system being depressed. This is my second bout with pneumonia in less than a year and I'm convinced that the correlation between HUGE amounts of meds over 24 months and fairly frequent health problems is an obvious one.It's funny how intellectually it all makes sense to me, but it's so damn hard to not feel like a lazy slug.
Thank you thank you thank you for pointing out the obvious to me. Now if I could only put into practice this pristine advice and not feel so yucky.
fondly,
dari
ps I'm definitely getting my meds checked on Nov. 1st when I go to see my pdoc.
> Dari,
> My heart goes out to you, and I am so very glad you are hanging on. Keep on hanging on.
>
> You are doing a lot of stuff: volunteering, tennis, class for your master's, cooking, meeting other commitments, and recovering from pneumonia. I am wondering if you are doing too much at the moment. Recovery from an illness like pneumonia is a longish process, and I know as I got older (I'm not saying you are old!) I didn't recover as quickly as before. Your immune system takes a real hit. And that affects how we feel in many different ways.
>
> Maybe you need to take a couple of steps away from the chasm toward more rest, or more gentle exercise, more therapy, and a good med check. You are right now functional, a perfect time to see if you can prevent another visit from the Beast.
>
> Good luck! I will be thinking of you and wishing you oh so well.
> Shar
Posted by dari on October 24, 2000, at 17:28:05
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by ksvt on October 24, 2000, at 11:16:00
Dear ksvt:
Thanks for your post. Yes, I have no fight. Everything seems like a bit of a struggle. I'm sure that alot of it has to do with the pneumonia lingering more than I care to admit. Here on Cape Cod where we live, the summers are crazy and the winters are dead. You need to be pretty "hearty" to make it through the season and retain any semblance of sanity. Fortunately, we are going to Florida for three weeks from Christmas into January. Hopefully this will carry me through without completely losing it.It's funny how you know what is wrong, but you still need to hear it from someone else who understands, and not from the "buck up" school of philosophy (ie those who don't understand depression, bp, etc.) Thanks again for your thoughtful words and PLEASE take care of your bacterial infection. I'll be thinking of you.
fondly,
Dari> Dari - I know with me that it's hard to keep myself mentally balanced when I'm sick - particularly with infections that take so much energy to fight off. You just start feeling like you have no "fight." I had the flu last winter and it took me forever to really feel like I was recovered. I also think Noa's suggestion is a good one. I've been very down lately - part of it I think is that I just discovered I had a bacterial infection that left me pretty wiped. I also think tho that it's hard to muster energy when you start thinking about a long winter ahead, particularly after such a great summer. good luck ksvt
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > Shar expressed some of what I was going to say--maybe you are putting expectations on yourself that are causing pressure, expecting the "perfect" recovery, etc.
> >
> > Another thought is the question about Seasonal Affective Disorder--you might want to ask your pdoc about trying out a light box to see if it helps. A friend of mine's therapist called the light box company and explained that she wanted to test it out to see if she should start recommending it to clients. They sent her one for a month. She let my friend try it and it worked so my friend bought one. Maybe your pdoc could try this?
Posted by dari on October 24, 2000, at 17:38:49
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by noa on October 24, 2000, at 15:55:55
Dear Noa:
I miss you (and all the others) from my days with LOTL. Your wisdom is so practical and on the mark. I had to unsubscribe because I found that I was getting overstimulated with all of the messages on the board and I was at that point sharing my boyfriend's computer with him. We now have another new one upstairs, yeah! I was so sorry to hear about your fainting episode this morning. Pretty scary, huh? I hope that you will get it checked with your gp.Your idea of the light box is a great one. I, actually had a practitioner suggest this to me a couple of years ago and I was so stuck in the quagmire of other issues at that point, it never happened. I think that despite the obvious connection to being physically ill lately that the change in seasons may also be playing a part in this. There certainly is a letdown in the end of summer here in this neck of the woods. From bustle to dead in ten seconds flat. When I go to therapy tomorrow, I'll inquire about the cost of boxes.
Thanks again, for your kind words and advice. I'll be thinking about you and praying that your fainting spell was nothing more than just being so excited about being an elementary teacher and the anticipation of having your kids arrive this morning (just as I'm sure my son's teacher does over him each day!!!) ;)
fondly, dari
> I totally missed the part about you being sick! (can I blame today's head injury for that?)
>
> A couple of weeks back, I think I may have written about how when I am sick, it is hard to fight off the depression. Partly psychological--I start to feel like "here we go again, another thing to get in the way of functioning normally", which is just the same old confirmation of negative beliefs about myself--and partly physical--the body is fatigued, fighting off infection, etc., and those feelings seem so similar to the physical experience of depression, it is easy to have the boundaries blur.
Posted by ksvt on October 24, 2000, at 20:04:48
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by dari on October 24, 2000, at 17:28:05
>
Dari - I posted you earlier after 2 hours in a dentist's chair getting a root canal for my bacterial infection. It's funny how something as inocuous as a tooth can cause so much trouble. I, too, live in the northeast, altho not in a tourist mecca like cape cod. It's been so beautiful lately and the foliage spectacular, but every now and then I get this eerie foreshadowing of a very long winter and I start feeling down. I envy you your 3 weeks in Florida. The farmer's almanac is supposedly saying we're going to have a cold snowy winter. I don't mind the snow part so much, but the prospect of cold is a little daunting, oil prices being what they are. I hope you feel better soon. ksvtDear ksvt:
> Thanks for your post. Yes, I have no fight. Everything seems like a bit of a struggle. I'm sure that alot of it has to do with the pneumonia lingering more than I care to admit. Here on Cape Cod where we live, the summers are crazy and the winters are dead. You need to be pretty "hearty" to make it through the season and retain any semblance of sanity. Fortunately, we are going to Florida for three weeks from Christmas into January. Hopefully this will carry me through without completely losing it.
>
> It's funny how you know what is wrong, but you still need to hear it from someone else who understands, and not from the "buck up" school of philosophy (ie those who don't understand depression, bp, etc.) Thanks again for your thoughtful words and PLEASE take care of your bacterial infection. I'll be thinking of you.
>
> fondly,
> Dari
>
> > Dari - I know with me that it's hard to keep myself mentally balanced when I'm sick - particularly with infections that take so much energy to fight off. You just start feeling like you have no "fight." I had the flu last winter and it took me forever to really feel like I was recovered. I also think Noa's suggestion is a good one. I've been very down lately - part of it I think is that I just discovered I had a bacterial infection that left me pretty wiped. I also think tho that it's hard to muster energy when you start thinking about a long winter ahead, particularly after such a great summer. good luck ksvt
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > > Shar expressed some of what I was going to say--maybe you are putting expectations on yourself that are causing pressure, expecting the "perfect" recovery, etc.
> > >
> > > Another thought is the question about Seasonal Affective Disorder--you might want to ask your pdoc about trying out a light box to see if it helps. A friend of mine's therapist called the light box company and explained that she wanted to test it out to see if she should start recommending it to clients. They sent her one for a month. She let my friend try it and it worked so my friend bought one. Maybe your pdoc could try this?
Posted by noa on October 26, 2000, at 18:55:20
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by ksvt on October 24, 2000, at 20:04:48
Dari--just checkin in--how are you today?
Posted by quilter on October 28, 2000, at 0:50:40
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by noa on October 26, 2000, at 18:55:20
> Dari--just checkin in--how are you today?
I'm wondering too...Quilter
Posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:10:44
In reply to Re: I guess I'm not doing well - long, posted by quilter on October 28, 2000, at 0:50:40
> > Dari--just checkin in--how are you today?
>
>
> I'm wondering too...Quilter
Hi!
I am still floundering around, questioning things I haven't been questioning of late (last 6 mos.). Am I an okay mother, would people be better off without me? What is the point of this perpetually orbiting pain? Having been on so many meds - what options do I have left? Would someone in my family stand in in the event of my untimely demise? A whole bunch of others, probably more morbid than these.It's been a rough couple of days. I think I can at this point safely rule out the pneumonia as the cause for this black hole I seem to have slipped and fallen into.
I truly hope that all is better for you than it is for me right now.
ps thanks for caring, it makes me cry when I think that people care enough to ask...
Dari
Posted by Noa on October 28, 2000, at 12:25:20
In reply to Noa, Quilter - Not well today either, I'm afraid, posted by dari on October 28, 2000, at 12:10:44
I know it is hard to do, but try to abstain from engaging in those deep, self-evaluative questions while you are in this funk. Tell yourself you are not well enough to ask or answer such questions, and need to put them aside until you are. try to distract yourself as much as possible.
We all know what a set up it is to evaluate our lives from that depressed point of view.
You are doing the best you can right now. Fighting pneumonia can exacerbate the depression!
Posted by shar on October 29, 2000, at 13:03:44
In reply to Re: Noa, Quilter - Not well today either, I'm afraid, posted by Noa on October 28, 2000, at 12:25:20
Dari,
I want to ditto what Noa has said. She is right on target, and I hope you can find something that is somewhat distracting for you, so you are not tempted to do a lot of evaluation right now.And another agreement with Noa's comment about getting well. Remember you have sort of been ravaged by pneumonia, and it's traumatic for our body to go through that.
I think it is great you are posting, and hope you will continue. Take heart!
Take care.
Shar> I know it is hard to do, but try to abstain from engaging in those deep, self-evaluative questions while you are in this funk. Tell yourself you are not well enough to ask or answer such questions, and need to put them aside until you are. try to distract yourself as much as possible.
>
> We all know what a set up it is to evaluate our lives from that depressed point of view.
>
> You are doing the best you can right now. Fighting pneumonia can exacerbate the depression!
This is the end of the thread.
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