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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Hey! Thank you *so* much for taking the time to read this, and thanks for any input/advice, anything, you might have. Here's the deal: I post regularly on the medication psychobabble board (notice the name?). Problem is, psychiatric meds arent fixing the problem...since I'm a sociology major (I'm 20, about to be 21) Im really interested in the power of relationships in the way they help (or hurt) emotional satisfaction/well-being and society overall. So here's the deal: I've had a variety of diagnoses, ranging from ADD/ADHD to severe, recurrent depression with melancholic features to various forms of bipolar...type I, type II, NOS. I've tried *literally* more than a dozen medications...I think I'm running at or close to 20 at last count. And..Im still sad. My relationship with my parents is kinda screwed up. My mom's an alcoholic....now and then, she has fits where she throws stuff, says she hates me and/or my dad, that kinda thing. My dad has never done anything about it. My parents hate it that I'm gay..they always have. They keep dropping hints, like talking about people who have died of AIDS to scare me or something. My parents just keep being mean...they laughed at me when I said I wanted to go to grad school, they tell me I have no drive or ambition, so on and so forth. Then, they'll be nice to me; we'll get closer, and then they'll just do it again. I'm so sick of this...ever since I was 11 or so, sometimes I'd get so sick and angry and frustrated that I'd just start hitting stuff because I couldnt take it anymore. I also have friendship problems. I cant seem to stop myself from being mean to people I really care about. It isn't a mental illness; its a behavioral problem, and I it makes me feel terrible. Then, I'm too sensitive to criticism. I feel terrible...I have no confidence, and then I fail at what I do (like school), and then I feel like maybe I really dont have a future and maybe I really am "lazy and worthless" (thats what my mom always called me). I cant ever seem to do anything right, and no one is there to support me. Like I said, I've done the medication thing, and it sucks. I've hit all the pitfalls--weight gain/loss, addiction/dependence, drug-induced apathy, etc.--with no real, substantial long-term benefits. I feel as if all thats happening is the symptoms of some underlying "thing" are being covered up and pushed down. I'm so unhappy, and I'm so scared I'm going to end up alone and unfulfilled, living a life of "quiet desperation" with nothing to show for all the time I've spent on this earth. I know therapy is supposed to help, but it hasn't and I dont have any faith in it. My therapists just tell me I need to do x, y, z, but I always feel better for a while, then fall into this pit of despair, resignation, and stagnation, and then my life goes to hell again. I dont know what to do. The few friendships that I have are frayed, and I'm afraid I'm going to be all alone. I'm getting too old for this, something has to happen, but no one has any good ideas it seems...I just want to be productive and have strong friendships and relationships and feel like my life has meaning and purpose, but I keep failing and failing and I'm sick of it, just plain tired and hopeless and unfulfilled and incredibly unhappy. Therapists just have their "techniques" to make me feel better, psychiatrists just load me up on meds, and my parents just keep reminding me that I'm a failure. I know this is whiney and self-centered and all that crap, but seriously: I dont like my life at all. Please give me advice, insight, comments, whatever you can. I'll try to help you out as much as I can, too (sad but true: even though I suck at my own life, I seem to always be able to help other people with their lives.) Thanks again.
Posted by Jazzed on June 19, 2005, at 9:38:32
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you Med. Sound like you NEED to get away from your parents. They haven't done right by you. No parent should tell their kid that they are worthless and that they hate them. I know it happens, but it's not about you, it's about their own weakness, dissatisfaction that they have problems, and their anger at themselves -they're taking it out on you.
If you have your undergrad degree, how can you lack ambition? I'd say that's pretty ambitious, and the fact that you WANT to go to grad school is very ambitious. Are you able to get out from under their thumb? To move out, and get financial aid? Will you be able to stay away from them, so they don't bring you down?
As for the Ts and the meds. Is your p-doc good, or do you need a new one? I wouldn't worry about the diagnosis, it's mainly just for insurance purposes, but of course you want to be treated with the right meds to lift your depression. Have any of the meds helped?
I'd stay with a T, with the kind of therapy that has worked best for you. Sounds like you need someone to talk to, someone to be your sounding board, but someone who can offer insight and support.Once you start to get things more on track, and feel better about you, that should begin to fall into place. It's not easy to maintain friendships, it takes work. In grad school, hopefully you'll meet people who have similar interests. What are you going to be taking?
Hope this helps a little. I hope you can get away from your parents, sounds like that's the best gift you can give yourself.
Jazzy
Posted by rubenstein on June 19, 2005, at 10:41:26
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
I am so sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through right now. I am of a similiar age and I think that might have something to do with it. You sound like you are in a lot of pain. I hope that you can find the support that you need and deserve. Perhaps look for a different therapist, usually colleges are loaded with them. Also, try to allow your friends in. Let them help you if you can. Take care and I hope to talk to you again soon.
Rachel
Posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 11:57:08
In reply to Re: 1st post here--long, but *please* help. » med_empowered, posted by Jazzed on June 19, 2005, at 9:38:32
hey, thanks for the support. I want to go to grad school for sociology, which is what my undergrad is in. I'm looking into finding a therapist, but I'd also appreciate any advice on support groups, self-help stuff, that kinda thing that you all could offer...even though im in a college town, the options for therapists are pretty slim. Thanks again!
Posted by pegasus on June 19, 2005, at 12:15:46
In reply to *Thanks*, posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 11:57:08
Hi med,
I'm guessing from your description that maybe the therapy you've had so far has been CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). You might want to try other types if this isn't helping you. A lot of us here do psychodynamic therapy of one sort or another, and find it to be very helpful. Nothing wrong with CBT per se, but if you're not finding it helpful, it might be good to seek something different.
Sorry to hear about your difficulties with the meds. That sounds agonizing. I also agree that it sounds like your family situation is not healthy for you.
Good luck with everything.
pegasus
Posted by sleepygirl on June 19, 2005, at 13:22:26
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
hey there med,
You might want to read "Toxic Parents"
From what you wrote I can totally understand why relationships are difficult for you. It doesn't sound like your parents are real safe to get close to, and I can imagine you'd take steps (conscious or otherwise) to keep people from getting too close to you. But take heart, you can work on the intimacy issues for sure. I agree with the previous post about the more psychodynamic therapy. Take care of yourself.
-sleepy
Posted by Tamar on June 19, 2005, at 15:14:52
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time.
I agree with what the others have posted, especially the part about psychodynamic therapy. I got the impression from what you posted that most of the therapy you’ve had is CBT-oriented, and I suspect with a background like you described you could really benefit from some psychodynamic therapy.
Good luck with your grad school plans!
Tamar
Posted by badhaircut on June 19, 2005, at 16:35:30
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Med,
Sorry to hear your situation. It sounds like you've tried a lot. I've done lots of meds, too, without benefit. And I tried CBT, which really helps but in a limited way and like you say it seems to wear off. I've also tried years of daily psychodynamic therapy and found it ultimately pointless, even destructive.
It sounds, though, like there's a lot of good stuff that's important to you: having strong friendships and relationships, having meaning and purpose in your life, being who you really are, advanced education, and helping others. As far as improving your life goes, having interests like those is not a bad start!
If you'd like to try something truly different therapy-wise, maybe there's an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy provider near you? "ACT" gets the person willing to have whatever rotten thoughts and feelings may inescapably come up, but to have them *mindfully*, so that they're not as powerful and controlling. Then ACT orients the person to take action toward what's already uniquely important to that person, not what the therapist thinks the client should do or what others say is "mentally healthy."
ACT thinks everybody and each emotional problem is absolutely normal. It doesn't label anything or anyone, and it doesn't try to find underlying causes like psychoanalysis does. It separates me from my rotten thoughts & feelings without trying to "kill" them.
Anyway, there's a small list of ACT therapists here, but it's in alphabetical order. (You can do a Ctrl+F text search for your city or state.) If you're interested, you might get lucky.
http://acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy.com/referrals/name.htmlJust a thought.
-bhc
Posted by shermanvolvo on June 20, 2005, at 18:28:40
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Thank you for sharing. Hey, terrific major! (I like you already!)
I too have had a range of diagnoses, and have struggled with meds...
It is true that meds aren't the cure all, and the things that you mention in your post all seem to impact you, so I really encourage you to explore these issues, like you are doing now.
It sounds to me like you haven't met an effective counsellor/therapist/support person/people who can really help you examine these issues. It seems to me that you know what is going on with you - you seem really knowledgeable... But frustrated and unsupported.
I would encourage you not to give up looking for support - there are terrific people out there. And I would also encourage you to examine yourself in the helping relationship, to see if you are actually allowing yourself to open up etc. (There are crappy counsellors, believe me; however, sometimes the best counsellors aren't the ones we particularly like).
But I am making assumptions, so I would like to hear more about you.
For instance, I am really curious about your statement: "even though I suck at my own life, I seem to always be able to help other people with their lives."
How are you with boundaries, self-care (looking after yourself) and protecting yourself from those who would belittle you or otherwise hurt you? How do you build yourself up?
-curious monika
(shermanvolvo@shaw.ca)
Posted by ed_uk on June 21, 2005, at 13:43:10
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Dear Med,
>I'm 20, about to be 21....
Me too - birthday [xxx].
>Here's the deal: I post regularly on the medication psychobabble board........
Me too - we're both very interested in medication.
>My parents hate it that I'm gay.......
My parents are ok with it. My mum cried when I told her I was gay but she's been fine ever since.
>I have no drive or ambition....
I find that difficult to believe. You're posts are always very interesting, I read them all.
>Problem is, psychiatric meds arent fixing the problem...
I know what you mean. SSRIs help my OCD but they make me so apathetic it's often difficult to function.
>I'd get so sick and angry and frustrated that I'd just start hitting stuff because I couldnt take it anymore.
I sometimes used to throw things when I was depressed. I needed a release for the anger.
>Then, I'm too sensitive to criticism.
Me too. I get hurt very easily. Even criticism of one of my p-babble posts can be too much to deal with. I once criticised one of your posts, I'm sorry.
>I fail at what I do (like school).......
I dropped out of school once and then went back. I almost dropped out a second time but I pulled through. I've got a lot of exams in August, all the ones I didn't sit in January.
>.........I'm so scared I'm going to end up alone and unfulfilled, living a life of "quiet desperation"......
I don't think you will. You help a lot of people here on babble. If you're as kind and helpful in real life as you are on babble, you're sure to find a partner/friends - people are bound to like you.
>even though I suck at my own life, I seem to always be able to help other people with their lives.........
Hehe, my life story!
Gosh, we've got more in common than I thought :-)
Kind regards
~Ed
Posted by ed_uk on June 21, 2005, at 13:49:16
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
PS. Med, if you ever want to email me, my address is........
[xxx]
~Ed
Posted by ed_uk on June 22, 2005, at 11:03:24
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Hey Med,
Come talk to us :-D
~Ed
Posted by ed_uk2010 on October 30, 2014, at 9:57:40
In reply to 1st post here--long, but *please* help., posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Hi Med(Christ)! Someone who has been empowered by both :)
Just saw this old post, and do you know what, I think in spite of all the difficulties in your life you are living proof that psychiatric medication can make a substantial positive difference.
For you, aripiprazole seems to be essential. I know in the past you've wanted to stop it (or have done so) and a lot of people on here have been worried.
Do you think you're going to stick with it long term now?
Take care.
This is the end of the thread.
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