Posted by med_empowered on June 19, 2005, at 7:57:52
Hey! Thank you *so* much for taking the time to read this, and thanks for any input/advice, anything, you might have. Here's the deal: I post regularly on the medication psychobabble board (notice the name?). Problem is, psychiatric meds arent fixing the problem...since I'm a sociology major (I'm 20, about to be 21) Im really interested in the power of relationships in the way they help (or hurt) emotional satisfaction/well-being and society overall. So here's the deal: I've had a variety of diagnoses, ranging from ADD/ADHD to severe, recurrent depression with melancholic features to various forms of bipolar...type I, type II, NOS. I've tried *literally* more than a dozen medications...I think I'm running at or close to 20 at last count. And..Im still sad. My relationship with my parents is kinda screwed up. My mom's an alcoholic....now and then, she has fits where she throws stuff, says she hates me and/or my dad, that kinda thing. My dad has never done anything about it. My parents hate it that I'm gay..they always have. They keep dropping hints, like talking about people who have died of AIDS to scare me or something. My parents just keep being mean...they laughed at me when I said I wanted to go to grad school, they tell me I have no drive or ambition, so on and so forth. Then, they'll be nice to me; we'll get closer, and then they'll just do it again. I'm so sick of this...ever since I was 11 or so, sometimes I'd get so sick and angry and frustrated that I'd just start hitting stuff because I couldnt take it anymore. I also have friendship problems. I cant seem to stop myself from being mean to people I really care about. It isn't a mental illness; its a behavioral problem, and I it makes me feel terrible. Then, I'm too sensitive to criticism. I feel terrible...I have no confidence, and then I fail at what I do (like school), and then I feel like maybe I really dont have a future and maybe I really am "lazy and worthless" (thats what my mom always called me). I cant ever seem to do anything right, and no one is there to support me. Like I said, I've done the medication thing, and it sucks. I've hit all the pitfalls--weight gain/loss, addiction/dependence, drug-induced apathy, etc.--with no real, substantial long-term benefits. I feel as if all thats happening is the symptoms of some underlying "thing" are being covered up and pushed down. I'm so unhappy, and I'm so scared I'm going to end up alone and unfulfilled, living a life of "quiet desperation" with nothing to show for all the time I've spent on this earth. I know therapy is supposed to help, but it hasn't and I dont have any faith in it. My therapists just tell me I need to do x, y, z, but I always feel better for a while, then fall into this pit of despair, resignation, and stagnation, and then my life goes to hell again. I dont know what to do. The few friendships that I have are frayed, and I'm afraid I'm going to be all alone. I'm getting too old for this, something has to happen, but no one has any good ideas it seems...I just want to be productive and have strong friendships and relationships and feel like my life has meaning and purpose, but I keep failing and failing and I'm sick of it, just plain tired and hopeless and unfulfilled and incredibly unhappy. Therapists just have their "techniques" to make me feel better, psychiatrists just load me up on meds, and my parents just keep reminding me that I'm a failure. I know this is whiney and self-centered and all that crap, but seriously: I dont like my life at all. Please give me advice, insight, comments, whatever you can. I'll try to help you out as much as I can, too (sad but true: even though I suck at my own life, I seem to always be able to help other people with their lives.) Thanks again.
poster:med_empowered
thread:515396
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/515396.html