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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by TherapyGirl on October 24, 2011, at 19:00:41
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2011, at 18:12:24
((((((((((((Dinah)))))))))))))))
I don't believe you let her down. Of course, you took her to the vet. I'm hoping things will turn around quickly and she will be able to come home to you, at least at night.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on October 24, 2011, at 19:04:28
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2011, at 18:12:24
You brought her in because she's sick, that's not your fault.
((((Dinah))))
Posted by floatingbridge on October 24, 2011, at 19:04:48
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2011, at 18:12:24
Dinah, you are a loving and good dog mom, and you are doing your best. Your dog is ill. Maybe she holds on for you and your family as much as you all hold on and try to do the best for her.
Hugs to you.
Posted by jane d on October 24, 2011, at 19:05:39
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2011, at 18:12:24
They do look awful after seizures. My dog years ago had them for the last few years of her life. And they are disoriented and don't know you for awhile - so that part mays not mean that much.
You made the best decision you could at the time. You can't tell the future. Still, I always find it impossible not to feel like I should have.
I'm holding my breathe for you both - hoping that this will still work out and that she'll come home to you again.
Posted by 10derheart on October 24, 2011, at 23:35:42
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do » Dinah, posted by jane d on October 24, 2011, at 19:05:39
I echo everything jane d said. I don't know what else to say.
It just all stinks. I'm sorry it's like this, Dinah.
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 10:13:21
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by 10derheart on October 24, 2011, at 23:35:42
She came home last night, and I knew almost at once that there was no hope of recovery. She refused to eat, refused to drink. She didn't really want to be very close to me, but went to a quiet corner to lie so quietly I thought she might stop breathing in the night. I laid by her for a while, and felt her breath steady and deepen and she seemed to sleep almost normally for an hour or so.
She also had diarrhea that was almost pure blood despite her medications, was throwing up, and didn't pee. Not peeing was pretty definitive that the kidneys had failed.
I told my vet that she was telling me plainly it was time for her to die, and could he tell me something different? He told me that she was right, and there was really no choice. I held her in my arms while he gave the injection. She was already a bit groggy, and it was very peaceful.
I still think she may have done better if I had kept her at home, and just brought her in for treatments during the day. And I think maybe something in the treatments wasn't good for her.
I told my vet that I would do anything to have a few more months with her. He put his hand on my shoulder and answered simply "You did."
That somehow helped more than anything.
I'm going to miss her so. She was my friend and I loved her.
Posted by 10derheart on October 26, 2011, at 10:23:45
In reply to She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 10:13:21
There's nothing I can say because I can't think of a damn thing and because I can't see the keyboard/screen.
(((((((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))
Posted by floatingbridge on October 26, 2011, at 11:10:32
In reply to She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 10:13:21
Dinah, I'm very sorry. I agree with the vet. I don't know what else to say.
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 11:29:27
In reply to Re: She's gone » Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on October 26, 2011, at 11:10:32
Thanks to both of you.
http://i712.photobucket.com/albums/ww125/DinahMarie_Photos/Joy.jpg
My favorite photo of her. I know I've shared it before.
Posted by floatingbridge on October 26, 2011, at 11:45:03
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 11:29:27
Dinah, she was beautiful. Now I know even more your heart is breaking. What a beauty and what zest. Thank you for sharing the photo. I had not seen it before.
I am glad you have this picture.
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 13:21:08
In reply to Re: She's gone » Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on October 26, 2011, at 11:45:03
She is beautiful, isn't she?
I wonder how long it will take me to quit talking to her. I am in the habit of carrying on a running conversation with her about what I'm doing, or what I'm cooking for dinner, or whatever. I use her name a lot, and include a lot of words she knows. She listens attentively, makes noises or c*cks her head as appropriate.
I've found myself doing that all day.
My therapist just called me. He said he saw I had called him a couple times, but not left a message. I told him I knew I'd accidentally called him at least once. He laughed and said that I knew there were no accidents. I explained I had been trying to call my mother.
Then we both laughed.
Because, really, my subconscious is not very subtle.
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 13:22:22
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 13:21:08
The auto-asterisker has a filthy mind.
She *tilts* her head.
It really doesn't have the exact right connotation as c*cks. Not as alert and inquiring.
Posted by floatingbridge on October 26, 2011, at 14:04:19
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 13:22:22
My mind is not the same as the auto-asterisked. I read right through it. Your word is far more apt.
I'm glad you subconscious patched you through to your therapist.
Posted by Daisym on October 26, 2011, at 14:55:45
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 13:22:22
I'm so sorry Dinah. I know you loved her and she loved you. How is the little one doing? I know animals grieve as we do.
I talked to my Grandmother all the time and she died 20 years ago. I think it is OK to keep doing it.
This part of the circle of life really stinks. I hope you find comfort in the memories and the pictures.
Posted by annierose on October 26, 2011, at 15:17:23
In reply to Re: She's gone » Dinah, posted by Daisym on October 26, 2011, at 14:55:45
Thinking of you Dinah. You have endured so much loss. Our animals are such wonderful souls and have the ability to heal our broken hearts. Take care of yourself.
Love, Annie
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 26, 2011, at 16:46:27
In reply to She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 10:13:21
I'm so very sorry. It sounds like you did everything you could and made good decisions for her all the way through.
(((((((((Dinah)))))))))))
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 16:47:05
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by annierose on October 26, 2011, at 15:17:23
I'm picking up all the paraphernalia of illness that's been part of our life for so long. I don't want to remember her that way.
One thing the vet got wrong is that he thought that my love for her grew out of her fragility and the care I took for her. I'm not that saintly. I was already head over heels for her when they found out she was sick, and it's because I loved her so fiercely that I was able to take care of her with wholehearted enthusiasm. I know that care for her was a big consideration for everyone in the family, but oddly enough in our interactions with her it seemed peripheral. She couldn't eat certain things, we didn't stress her overly much, we tried not to go out of town, and she had medications and special foods and fluids. But that wasn't who she was. It was just something she had to put up with and we had to put up with. It was just something we did. No one that vibrant could ever take on the role of frailty. I've had that with other dogs, certainly, but never this one. She was a robust working dog who happened to have bad kidneys.
So I'm pulling down the drips, and picking up the cotton balls and needles and alchohol, and packing up the extra foods and medications to give away. I want to remember her every day. I want reminders of her around the house, no matter how sad they make me. It's not that. But these things make me angry to see, because that's not who she was. It's what stole her from us way too early. She'd have been four on Christmas eve.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 26, 2011, at 16:47:09
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 11:29:27
So beautiful. And I am picturing her doing that right now.
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 17:25:11
In reply to Re: She's gone » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on October 26, 2011, at 16:47:09
Me too. I think that's one of the ways I'll remember her.
I'd get scared every once in a while when she wasn't eating. But in general even feeding her would be fun. She'd get sick of things, so I'd have to rotate the food. All the things I'd love to eat were what she was supposed to eat. She liked waffles with powdered sugar. But mostly she liked crunchy flavorful things like croutons and potato chips and cheerios and cheese (in the tiny amounts we allowed her) and sandwiches grilled in butter or her dog food baked with garlic powder and parmesan cheese. She never liked to eat large pieces, so I'd cut them up really small then she'd catch them midair. She was *good*. She could catch most anything. Even when she was really sick, she practiced a program of catch and release. If I forgot to give her her prednisone, she'd barely eat anything, but she'd catch it just the same. She taught the other ones to do it, but they don't have her flair and accuracy. Sometimes if I was really busy or late for something, I might be impatient if she was being picky, but mostly it was fun for both of us, I think.
It's felt so weird the last few days when evening came and it was time for her fluids. That was one time that was never fun for any of us. But it's become part of our routine, and it seems odd.
I want to remember her letting the baby chase her in zoomies around the yard, or how she just couldn't hold her barks in when she was approaching the front door, no matter how hard she tried. Even if she'd just been to the front yard. And how happy she was when I praised her for a job well done. And how she attacked my ankles with growls and flashing teeth, and never the teensiest pinch. I want to remember her bounding in the snow. And waking me up in the morning by laying her head on the bed and staring me awake. She was the perfect height for that. And how she and the Maltese had a routine going to break into the bathroom if I was foolish enough to close the door with them on the other side. He'd weasel his little monkey paw into the smallest crack, then she'd nudge it open. He'd run in, but she'd catch my eye indirectly in the mirror until I smiled an invitation. I think I closed it on purpose sometimes, because they'd be so proud of themselves, and it was so nice seeing them work as a well rehearsed team.
And the essential sweetness that perfectly balanced the liveliness. I think I'll remember that most of all. Her sweet sweet expression. Liveliness without sweetness can be overwhelming. Sweetness without liveliness can be cloying. She has always been just right.
I'm doubtful about an afterlife. But if there is one, it wouldn't be heaven if she weren't there, with a few other of my canine family. Here, she won't completely be gone until she's forgotten. I'll never ever forget her.
I look ok, I think. But I'm pretty much MIA. I might not remember what I've just said in five minutes. I've been sleepwalking all day.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on October 26, 2011, at 17:29:17
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 13:21:08
She is beautiful, and so full of life in that picture. Maybe she did all the living she could in her short life, and she was lucky to find so much love.
My condolences.
Posted by Solstice on October 26, 2011, at 17:59:48
In reply to She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 10:13:21
What a beautiful love the two of you shared. And although it was a short life, she spent every minute of it being wholly adored. It just doesn't get any better than that :-)
Take care of yourself, Dinah..
Solstice
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 26, 2011, at 18:30:11
In reply to Re: She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 17:25:11
I hope you will at least remember to print this beautiful tribute to her. You will want it later, I think.
She sounds a lot like my current foster. He's the only dog I have who follows me into the bathroom. He's not as lively as she sounds, but he does the cutest thing with his ears (which have a few longer hairs at the end of them, like an old man's). He'll c*ck one back and it is so adorable. When he does both of them he looks like the flying nun.
What wonderful friends and beings dogs are. I don't know how I lived 46 years without them in my life.
Posted by yellowbird01 on October 26, 2011, at 22:25:05
In reply to She's gone, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2011, at 10:13:21
Dinah... I wish I had the words to say something comforting, but I just want to echo what others here have said. I'm so sorry you have lost such a precious friend. She was a lucky dog to have been loved so much and cared for as she was by you. You did the right thing and as painful as your decision was, I hope you're able to see it as an act of love for her, all the way to the very end.
I know I dont post much, but I do read regularly, and I feel like I "know" some people here quite well. I am thinking about you.
Posted by Dinah on October 27, 2011, at 5:27:06
In reply to Re: She's gone » Dinah, posted by yellowbird01 on October 26, 2011, at 22:25:05
Definitely when it comes to love I have very little to regret with her. She adored me from puppyhood and I delighted in her. She knew nearly every day that she was loved.
I always have some regrets. I forgot her meds more than I should, especially in the morning. My therapist says I treated her as well, if not better, than I treated myself. I forget my own meds and insulin more than I should. I'm just not very *aware*, if that makes sense. All the will in the world can't force me to be aware. And I wish I could have undone Saturday evening through Wednesday morning. Tho if she'd have stayed at home and died, I'd also feel guilty. But I suppose four days in a lifetime isn't too bad. If she is in a place to remember me, I hope she remembers the rest of it and not the last four days. My vet thought I did great with her, and he's said that all along. Every single time I have seen him in the past sixteen months he has commented on how amazing it is that she does so well. I should trust in him.
It's all a bit dreamlike right now. I still feel like I'm seeing her in the corner of my eye, or in my minds eye perhaps. I'm acknowledging it but I don't feel it yet.
Yellowbird, I remember you well. You don't have to post every day to be cared about and considered part of the community.
I wonder if I am capable of internalizing happiness. To some extent, a few precious dogs have always seemed to hold my happiness with them. Whatever zest for life I might hold. I think I may be incapable of holding those things in myself. I've no real talent for happiness. What will I do, and what will I be, without her? I remember that time, and I didn't like it.My throat is sore, in a literal sense. I wonder if I'm coming down with something.
Posted by Dinah on October 27, 2011, at 5:34:22
In reply to Re: She's gone » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on October 26, 2011, at 18:30:11
I can't imagine!
Your foster dog sounds adorable. I don't know if I could be a foster dog mom. If I fell in love, I don't know if I could let go. Velcro dogs are the best! It must be terrible lonely to take a bath alone.
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