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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on February 18, 2010, at 0:54:10
It's been forever since I felt like I had an actual goal in therapy. We agreed that it's time for me to start believing I may never get any better. She won't tell me this is what she believes, but that she agrees I need to believe this.
It's a last-ditch plan for me. The pressure to get better is killing me. I've had the goal to get better for years and years and years, and some areas are better, but some areas are every bit as stuck or are actually worse. The areas that are better seem offset by new problems I didn't anticipate.
It can't be some stupid trick where I'm secretly believing that accepting defeat will free me up to move onward to victory. It has to be real. I have to let go of my hope of getting better, and grieve the loss. My hope of getting better has been simultaneously keeping me going (because it's hopeful) and killing me (because I keep failing to achieve it).
Specific things I need to believe
- I may never be significantly happier
- I may never have stronger ties to friends and family
- I may never be thin again
- I may never feel smart again
- I may never really be good in my job
- I may never see significant improvement in my mood cycles
- I may never quit being a late-arriver at work
- I may never process my mail in a timely manner
- I may never get my stuff organized
- I may never get my money invested intelligently
- I may keep losing money by not submitting insurance claims
- I may never be able to count on myself to file my taxes on time every year
- I may never get my house and lawn looking spiffy
- I may never quit procrastinating and be able to click along on planned tasksYou know what else?
- I may not feel better for having accepted these truths. I may find I was better off holding onto the false hope. This too, may not make it better.
Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2010, at 8:16:45
In reply to We figured out a goal for me, posted by Tabitha on February 18, 2010, at 0:54:10
Radical acceptance!! I like it.
There should be lots of information out there to help you with the mechanics. I think it's a Buddhist concept that's been used in DBT, isn't it?
The way you say it makes it sound almost negative? I don't think of it as a negative thing at all.
Posted by Tabitha on February 18, 2010, at 10:57:49
In reply to Re: We figured out a goal for me » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2010, at 8:16:45
That's so freaky because after I wrote this the phrase 'radical acceptance' popped into my head and I googled and found Marsha Linehan's DBT site. I guess I must've heard that phrase at some point.
It does seem kinda negative to me, because I'm still ashamed of these things I've been hoping to overcome, so accepting they may always be with me is really hard. But when I read over my list, I think, hey, these sound like pretty human shortcomings, and it would be a rare person who was free of all these things, even if that person didn't have a mood disorder (or whatever the heck I have).
Posted by Phillipa on February 18, 2010, at 12:37:14
In reply to Re: We figured out a goal for me » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on February 18, 2010, at 10:57:49
I don't know not that I'm that well informed in psych issues but I feel hope is necessary to keep going. My theory is look at those with less and I may have more. But then some things wont change and can't like age. But boy this is confusing. I best stop there. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2010, at 12:57:31
In reply to Re: We figured out a goal for me » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on February 18, 2010, at 10:57:49
> But when I read over my list, I think, hey, these sound like pretty human shortcomings, and it would be a rare person who was free of all these things, even if that person didn't have a mood disorder (or whatever the heck I have).
It's funny you should say that. I was thinking as I read your list that some of it was as much about compassion for yourself as it was about acceptance. :)
(On a hopefully unrelated note, how are things going? You posted on Social not all that long ago.)
Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2010, at 13:35:50
In reply to Re: We figured out a goal for me, posted by Phillipa on February 18, 2010, at 12:37:14
Phillipa, I don't think I have the ability to explain it without contradicting myself because it's one of those dialectics Linehan is so fond of.
But in this context, giving up hope and accepting things as they are now doesn't actually mean being hopeless.
Posted by Phillipa on February 18, 2010, at 20:08:22
In reply to Re: We figured out a goal for me » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on February 18, 2010, at 13:35:50
Dinah is this a good analogy so to speak. Admitting your're not perfect no one is and if you have a let's say disorder like thyroid then you accept it and work to try and make it liveable through meds or whatever? Phillipa
Posted by Tabitha on February 19, 2010, at 0:32:27
In reply to Re: We figured out a goal for me » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on February 18, 2010, at 20:08:22
I googled "giving up hope" and the first link says "Giving Up Hope Makes You Happier", the second is "The Importance of Never Giving Up Hope". So humanity is divided on this one.
Day 1 something interesting happened, even as the whole work day unfolded much like others, I noticed a couple small victories. Then I instantly tried to use those victories to prop up the self-image I want to be true. There was also a humiliation. My self-image is still fighting for its life, to ward off that humiliation. It really hit the shame button. Without this big self-image to protect, it's just a day with a couple small accomplishments and a couple unpleasant moments.
This is the end of the thread.
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