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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Trying to figure out where I am right now.
I feel so lost. I started therapy after some discussions with my old life coach brought out repressed memories that he couldnt handle. I starting seeing a Therapist who I felt just sat there and regurgitated the things I told her. Ex. Id say Im sad my father left us. She would reply It seems like your fathers leaving caused a lot of sadness in your life. And Id get angry and think thats what I just said, what am I paying her for. I felt like therapy with her was a train that had no schedule, no tracks, no conductor, and just kept going in circles.
My current T is hard to describe really because I put so much thought into what I want her to be instead of letting the therapy happen. I started experiences transference feelings with her a few months in and theyve grown strong at points and subsided at points. But mostly I think about her and my therapy ALL the time. And the sessions seem to fly by but the days and hours leading up to them are always so slow.
I started researching books and websites about my issues. I wanted to give this new train some tracks and a direction to go in. I became very determined to plan out the sessions and even created summary sheets of what my mood was and what I wanted to discuss. I was so afraid of being stuck with another T who just regurgitated back to me like some mindless parrot. Really, all that education, skill and insight is worthless if theyre just going to sit there and look at you.
With all of my research I became pretty versed in psychological lingo for a while. I think this impressed my T because she mentioned a few times how intelligent I was. That made me feel good. I had impressed her and I wanted to keep doing it so she would like me more. I feared shed discover my secret disgusting side so I kept trying to convince her of my wit and used humor to charm her. It was in making her laugh that the transference really hit. Then I really started to notice her physically which, for some reason, I hadnt really cared about before. Her eyes are gorgeous. They smile, but only when shes smiling. It makes me happy just picturing them now. And her legs; well you all can probably figure where this is going. Shes smallish and very petite. She wears skirts all the time. When I first met her I looked at her and thought to myself, pretty sarcastically, stockings, really? All day long in stockings?!? But after a while I enjoyed it because it gave me the opportunity to admire her physique more.
Now I have full transference for her that seems to be a mixture of sexual and parental. I fantasize about rescuing her and being her hero, about her living with me as my partner, and about me sitting at her feet during our sessions and crying in her lap while she holds me, pets my head, and gently tells me everything will work out.
Now that my thoughts are consumed with her, I decided I had to do something about it. I was too afraid of how she would react toward me if she knew my feelings. I had mentioned the topic of transference before in an attempt to get a feel for how she would approach the subject but, in the end I felt very shameful and decided not to tell her my true feelings.
Finally, I went to a 2nd T, who Ill call Ada, to consult with and discuss the feelings I have for my original T. Ada was very sincere and helped me understand that by telling my T about the transference Id be able to move forward and let the therapy happen the way it should.
I told Ada Id come back and see her to let her know how it went with my T after the transference discussion. At the time, I really had to intention of keeping Ada although she seemed to instantly connect and awaken something in me. I felt myself summarizing my story very easily for her and was impressed/surprised when the insight and feedback she provided was very on point, especially regarding topics on which I had barely brushed the surface. I feel like she inspired me connect with my T honestly and openly and that she would ultimately be good for me and my Ts relationship. But when I told my T about Ada, my T said I shouldnt see 2 therapists at the same time. I didnt understand at first, but went home and did some research and now I understand a little bit about the conflicting advice and how it could cause whirlwinds of confusion for me. Also, seeing Ada might mean that Id share more with her than with my original T.
So after my T said not to keep the seeing them both, I went to my 2nd and last visit with Ada. After I sat, I almost immediately started crying. I confessed that I felt very lost and didnt really want to stop seeing her but that it would have to be our last visit. Part of me strangely felt like I had cheated on my T and now I had to breakup with Ada in order to keep my relationship with my 1st T.
When the session with Ada was over I got teary eyed again and told her I would miss her. She said she enjoyed having me in and would welcome me back anytime. When I left I went straight to the bathroom and started balling my eyes out. I couldnt stop crying. I pounded the walls and my whole body felt drained. I cried so much that I caused myself to have a terrible headache. My eyes were completely bloodshot. I felt extremely sad and even more lost and confused. I wanted to go back into the office and tell Ada how awful I felt but she was with another patient so I left the building. On the way to my car I passed a liquor store and bought 2 bottles of wine. (I have slight issues with using alcohol as a crutch) When I got to my car I started sobbing again and I knew I wouldnt be able to drive so I called my original T. She quickly called me back and I just kept sobbing saying I dont understand why this has me so upset! Finally, I stopped crying and felt safe enough to drive myself home. I also told my T I felt angry at her because it was she who said I couldnt see Ada and her at the same time. I wonder if the therapy will get better after this incident.
I felt so weak from crying and so miserable that I stayed in bed for hours all day drinking wine and feeling terrible. I really miss Ada but dont understand why I feel for her so much since I only known her for 2 sessions. I dont believe it is another case of transference. I do feel like I was able to talk more easily with Ada but I also think this is because Ive been talking about these issues so much with my 1st T. I definitely dont want to stop seeing my T and start seeing Ada. I want them both! I feel like my T is just another person I love telling me I cant have what I want. I feel like its her fault I had to reach out to someone else in the first place and she should want me to be happy. Feeling like I have to choose is making me really sad. I feel like lying to them and leading a double life but I know that would confuse me even more. I wish I could magically smush them together into one ultimate T. Plus, Ada specializes in art therapy which is something Ive always thought would help me. My original T does not do art therapy.
I wonder if I could meet with the both of them together somehow. And how would that work?This weekend feels terrible and I think Ive really slid backward. I started searching for and posting threads on support groups to connect with. Im struggling to think of what Ill do while Im thinking this irrationally. I posted threads but I just kept checking them every hour hoping someone has reached out to me. Then, Id get upset that no one had responded yet and I would feel even more hopeless. My appetite is completely lost. I cant think of anything to eat and thats actually scary because Im always eating.
Im thinking of waiting a week and seeing how it goes and if I still want to see Ada, I will call and make an appt. with or without my Ts permission. I dont want to choose. And I dont want to have my T resent my actions or become exasperated with me but if I still have an intense need to see Ada, then I will. I cant live with these hopeless feelings and terrible depressing days. I just hope my T understands and forgives me. I cant even think of losing her after weve come this far; almost 5 months. I cant start over. I just want to be able to open up to her and Ada makes me feel like I can be honest with my T. Even typing that feels insane and weird but thats how I truly feel. Whats even more insane is that I miss Adas couch more than I miss her, if thats possible. I think about curling up on the couch and something about that makes me feel better. I really wish my T had a couch. I really do.
Im so lonely tonight. I want someone to hug me and mean it. Im so ashamed of my body and I hate letting people touch me because I am disgusting and smelly. Im not very smart at all otherwise I wouldnt be in this situation anyway. But Im feeling very small tonight. I want someone to hold me and pretend they are not repulsed by my skin. It makes me nauseous to think anyone would be willing to really care about something like me. I wish I could be the person I want but Im so hidden under piles of fat and hateful feelings. I wish I was beautiful.
I just want to feel safe. Im tired of thats life. Im tired of having to accept my reality and live each day within this struggle. I want an easy way out. I think I should get one. But so many right things have happened that I cant completely throw away. This is just the loneliness talking. I feel like screaming Please hold me!. But no one is listening. Not even Moregard, my cat. Shes asleep with her back to me. So I keep typing these words while my minds keeps screaming Please hold me, please hold me, please just hold me and tell me you care. Anyone?!?...Thanks for listening
-Verloren
Posted by lingonberry on December 21, 2009, at 11:42:58
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Hi Verloren,
and welcome to Psycho-babble!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your post made me cry and I wish I could be with you right now. I would love to hold you and comfort you, because you are so worth it. I know how it feels to hate oneself, when all the bad thoughts rumbling in and everything is just dark, dark, dark. But hang in there; you have your T, and a second runner up, if you choose working with her.
You have some overweight, yeah, but it doesnt automatically make you disgusting and smelly. I bet somebody has implanted all these negative thoughts in you, so therefore they are not facts, just somebody elses (probably an ill person) wrong opinions.
To be in your situation has nothing to do with not being smart. I think you sound very smart. How can people who realize and acknowledges a need for therapy, not be smart? It takes a lot of courage and insights to walk this path. I think Im pretty smart, but I have childhood issues wich sometimes make me act like a child, probably just like you, but that doesnt make us a dummy.
I dont know what to do about your situation with your two T. I Understand that you are feeling caught up; youre strongly attached to the first T and then, when you consult another one, you get caught up in the same feeling, all over again. Youre are in a very painful situation and Im sorry that I cant help you more.
I´m on my way out and just wanted to give you some hope and comforting and letting you know that youre not alone in this. (Sorry for my bad English, hope my writing doesnt sounds to weird)
Big hug to you ((((((Verloren))))))
Lingonberry
> Trying to figure out where I am right now.
>
> I feel so lost. I started therapy after some discussions with my old life coach brought out repressed memories that he couldnt handle. I starting seeing a Therapist who I felt just sat there and regurgitated the things I told her. Ex. Id say Im sad my father left us. She would reply It seems like your fathers leaving caused a lot of sadness in your life. And Id get angry and think thats what I just said, what am I paying her for. I felt like therapy with her was a train that had no schedule, no tracks, no conductor, and just kept going in circles.
>
> My current T is hard to describe really because I put so much thought into what I want her to be instead of letting the therapy happen. I started experiences transference feelings with her a few months in and theyve grown strong at points and subsided at points. But mostly I think about her and my therapy ALL the time. And the sessions seem to fly by but the days and hours leading up to them are always so slow.
>
> I started researching books and websites about my issues. I wanted to give this new train some tracks and a direction to go in. I became very determined to plan out the sessions and even created summary sheets of what my mood was and what I wanted to discuss. I was so afraid of being stuck with another T who just regurgitated back to me like some mindless parrot. Really, all that education, skill and insight is worthless if theyre just going to sit there and look at you.
>
> With all of my research I became pretty versed in psychological lingo for a while. I think this impressed my T because she mentioned a few times how intelligent I was. That made me feel good. I had impressed her and I wanted to keep doing it so she would like me more. I feared shed discover my secret disgusting side so I kept trying to convince her of my wit and used humor to charm her. It was in making her laugh that the transference really hit. Then I really started to notice her physically which, for some reason, I hadnt really cared about before. Her eyes are gorgeous. They smile, but only when shes smiling. It makes me happy just picturing them now. And her legs; well you all can probably figure where this is going. Shes smallish and very petite. She wears skirts all the time. When I first met her I looked at her and thought to myself, pretty sarcastically, stockings, really? All day long in stockings?!? But after a while I enjoyed it because it gave me the opportunity to admire her physique more.
>
> Now I have full transference for her that seems to be a mixture of sexual and parental. I fantasize about rescuing her and being her hero, about her living with me as my partner, and about me sitting at her feet during our sessions and crying in her lap while she holds me, pets my head, and gently tells me everything will work out.
>
> Now that my thoughts are consumed with her, I decided I had to do something about it. I was too afraid of how she would react toward me if she knew my feelings. I had mentioned the topic of transference before in an attempt to get a feel for how she would approach the subject but, in the end I felt very shameful and decided not to tell her my true feelings.
>
> Finally, I went to a 2nd T, who Ill call Ada, to consult with and discuss the feelings I have for my original T. Ada was very sincere and helped me understand that by telling my T about the transference Id be able to move forward and let the therapy happen the way it should.
>
> I told Ada Id come back and see her to let her know how it went with my T after the transference discussion. At the time, I really had to intention of keeping Ada although she seemed to instantly connect and awaken something in me. I felt myself summarizing my story very easily for her and was impressed/surprised when the insight and feedback she provided was very on point, especially regarding topics on which I had barely brushed the surface. I feel like she inspired me connect with my T honestly and openly and that she would ultimately be good for me and my Ts relationship. But when I told my T about Ada, my T said I shouldnt see 2 therapists at the same time. I didnt understand at first, but went home and did some research and now I understand a little bit about the conflicting advice and how it could cause whirlwinds of confusion for me. Also, seeing Ada might mean that Id share more with her than with my original T.
>
> So after my T said not to keep the seeing them both, I went to my 2nd and last visit with Ada. After I sat, I almost immediately started crying. I confessed that I felt very lost and didnt really want to stop seeing her but that it would have to be our last visit. Part of me strangely felt like I had cheated on my T and now I had to breakup with Ada in order to keep my relationship with my 1st T.
>
> When the session with Ada was over I got teary eyed again and told her I would miss her. She said she enjoyed having me in and would welcome me back anytime. When I left I went straight to the bathroom and started balling my eyes out. I couldnt stop crying. I pounded the walls and my whole body felt drained. I cried so much that I caused myself to have a terrible headache. My eyes were completely bloodshot. I felt extremely sad and even more lost and confused. I wanted to go back into the office and tell Ada how awful I felt but she was with another patient so I left the building. On the way to my car I passed a liquor store and bought 2 bottles of wine. (I have slight issues with using alcohol as a crutch) When I got to my car I started sobbing again and I knew I wouldnt be able to drive so I called my original T. She quickly called me back and I just kept sobbing saying I dont understand why this has me so upset! Finally, I stopped crying and felt safe enough to drive myself home. I also told my T I felt angry at her because it was she who said I couldnt see Ada and her at the same time. I wonder if the therapy will get better after this incident.
>
> I felt so weak from crying and so miserable that I stayed in bed for hours all day drinking wine and feeling terrible. I really miss Ada but dont understand why I feel for her so much since I only known her for 2 sessions. I dont believe it is another case of transference. I do feel like I was able to talk more easily with Ada but I also think this is because Ive been talking about these issues so much with my 1st T. I definitely dont want to stop seeing my T and start seeing Ada. I want them both! I feel like my T is just another person I love telling me I cant have what I want. I feel like its her fault I had to reach out to someone else in the first place and she should want me to be happy. Feeling like I have to choose is making me really sad. I feel like lying to them and leading a double life but I know that would confuse me even more. I wish I could magically smush them together into one ultimate T. Plus, Ada specializes in art therapy which is something Ive always thought would help me. My original T does not do art therapy.
> I wonder if I could meet with the both of them together somehow. And how would that work?
>
> This weekend feels terrible and I think Ive really slid backward. I started searching for and posting threads on support groups to connect with. Im struggling to think of what Ill do while Im thinking this irrationally. I posted threads but I just kept checking them every hour hoping someone has reached out to me. Then, Id get upset that no one had responded yet and I would feel even more hopeless. My appetite is completely lost. I cant think of anything to eat and thats actually scary because Im always eating.
>
> Im thinking of waiting a week and seeing how it goes and if I still want to see Ada, I will call and make an appt. with or without my Ts permission. I dont want to choose. And I dont want to have my T resent my actions or become exasperated with me but if I still have an intense need to see Ada, then I will. I cant live with these hopeless feelings and terrible depressing days. I just hope my T understands and forgives me. I cant even think of losing her after weve come this far; almost 5 months. I cant start over. I just want to be able to open up to her and Ada makes me feel like I can be honest with my T. Even typing that feels insane and weird but thats how I truly feel. Whats even more insane is that I miss Adas couch more than I miss her, if thats possible. I think about curling up on the couch and something about that makes me feel better. I really wish my T had a couch. I really do.
>
> Im so lonely tonight. I want someone to hug me and mean it. Im so ashamed of my body and I hate letting people touch me because I am disgusting and smelly. Im not very smart at all otherwise I wouldnt be in this situation anyway. But Im feeling very small tonight. I want someone to hold me and pretend they are not repulsed by my skin. It makes me nauseous to think anyone would be willing to really care about something like me. I wish I could be the person I want but Im so hidden under piles of fat and hateful feelings. I wish I was beautiful.
> I just want to feel safe. Im tired of thats life. Im tired of having to accept my reality and live each day within this struggle. I want an easy way out. I think I should get one. But so many right things have happened that I cant completely throw away. This is just the loneliness talking. I feel like screaming Please hold me!. But no one is listening. Not even Moregard, my cat. Shes asleep with her back to me. So I keep typing these words while my minds keeps screaming Please hold me, please hold me, please just hold me and tell me you care. Anyone?!?...
>
> Thanks for listening
>
> -Verloren
>
Posted by Helana on December 21, 2009, at 12:02:40
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Hi Verloren, Welcome to bable. Thank you for sharing your story because although you are looking for support in return you give support. It helps me to read your story and know that I am not alone and I struggle with the same transference as you! There smile is killer isn't it ;)
If I gave you any advice it would be to read your post to your T and let therapy happen...If she's good things will work themselves out, but you have to give her the chance.
I know how important she is to you and how you don't want to mess anything up and take the chance of losing her, but let me tell you, you have a greater chance of loser her if you don't open up and let her in.
I am sorry that no one is there when you feel that alone. It is an aweful feeling. It's important to just get through the feeling and remember that it will pass. If I were there I would give you a big hug and we could cuddle, watch a movie and not be alone. Being alone is the worst feeling in the world for me, so I understand! At the same time I know how strong you are and you can get through it, remember that moment will pass. I know that sometimes we are sick of being strong, but we have to be, it's so worth it when we start figuring things out...I'm only two n a half years into therapy and I have changed so much. Being alone isn't nearly as difficult as it used to be. So my point is there's hope...it won't be like that forever as long as you take the chances in therapy that are difficult and scary.
Lot's of hugs and I hope I helped...if not at the very least I hope I didn't offend you at all...((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Helena
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 21, 2009, at 14:48:56
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Oh, sweetie: You must be beautiful.....your pain and anguish are palpable.....I understand love (I don't call it transference---that is just a fancy psych. word...for feelings). I fell in love with my t 5 years ago.
I don't know what childhood background you have, but so many of us were abused, and that sets us up to have such a need and longing for love, acceptance and even celebration......
When you were born, you were beautiful, perfect and innocent. Somewhere along the way a person or persons told you differently,and now as an adult you have to get over those lies that were told to you (which was really how those people thought about THEMselves), but as children we aren't sophisticated enough to figure that out. Please keep posting.
I care and we all do here; Babble is a wonderful group. We are ALL worthy valuable human beings on the planet; how sad we have to endure such sadness and pain......
Hugs N Love, Sassy
P.S. I really don't understand why you cant' see 2 t's at the same time.
I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse.....alone....is excruciating.
Posted by emilyp on December 21, 2009, at 18:34:10
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
While I don't know your full life story and the issues you are dealing with, I strong believe that seeing two therapists is not a good idea. I think it will make you very confused. For example, what if you get conflicting guidance about a particular issue? Will you be able to determine which is the best approach and move down that path? Or will the energy involved in deciding a path prevent you from taking action. I also think you could get confused in trying to remember who you have told what. I also think (and I say this with some experience, as I once had a therapist and a psychiatrist) that with multiple doctors, you become more dependent on these people instead of spending time and energy developing outside relationships which are so critical if you are ever to feel better. Therapy can be a big help. But it can never replace the relationships with others. Not only will you be spending more time in therapy, but from what happened with both your current therapist and Ada, you will be spending all your other time thinking about therapy and the therapists. While that might be acceptable early on in therapy as one deals with transference, longer term those feelings should subside. I fear that if you have two therapists, you will not be able to manage those feelings.
I am sure that this will not be the popular answer on this board. I am sure other posters will see it as O.K. But I would strongly suggest working with one or the other and not making your situation more complicated. I would suggest you stick with your current therapist, be honest with her about your feelings. If after several months things are not any better, you could then consider seeing Ada. As she said, her door is always open.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 21, 2009, at 21:22:04
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by emilyp on December 21, 2009, at 18:34:10
This may not be what you want to hear, but it's my understanding that, among therapists, it is considered unethical for a T (Ada) who has been called in on a consultation to continue to see the patient they consulted with. Even if that patient decides, on the basis of the consultation, to dump their original T, the consultant is not supposed to take the patient on. I'm not sure why this is but this is what I have always been told. I also think it is a very bad idea to see two T's unless one of them has a very limited role, like doing DBT or CBT to supplement dynamic therapy. When that happens (I see two T's -- one for dynamic therapy and one for DBT) it is usually the T's themselves who arrange it and figure out who is ultimately responsible in the event of a crisis. This is to avoid conflicts but also to avoid what you are experiencing -- two intense transference reactions. I think you need to work on your transference issues with the original T. That's hard and painful enough without adding transference issues with Ada to the mix.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 21, 2009, at 21:26:54
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Cyber hugs to you, Verloren. You *are not* disgusting. You are worthy of hugs.
I also suspect that Ada represents either someone in your family or something from your current T to have such a strong response to her. I could be completely off base, though.
I would encourage you to keep talking this through with your current T. I believe it will undermine your relationship with her if you "go behind her back" to see Ada. And I can feel that you don't want to lose her. So keep talking.
I have just 2 sessions left with my T after 25 years of therapy, so I know at least some of what you are feeling.
((((((((((Verloren)))))))))
Posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 21:32:02
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » Verloren, posted by lingonberry on December 21, 2009, at 11:42:58
First, your writing is great, not at all weird. I understand you perfectly.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm still trying to sort through my mixture of emotions but it helps having people like you here for support.
I am very happy and hopeful that I have found this site. Hopefully that happiness can spread and overcome these negative feelings.
Thanks again for listening and reading my extra long post. I will keep you all updated!
-Verloren
Posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 21:45:55
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Helana on December 21, 2009, at 12:02:40
No you definitely did not offend me.
I am grateful we share in the same issues with transference so that we can relate to each other. Although, I'm sure you agree, I'd rather not feel so troubled by it.
I want to share and open up with my T but am still finding it awkward. I must really have some trust issues.
I'm afraid of losing her because she decides she can't work with me any longer but I'm even more afraid that I'll get so far and realize that she's not the best T for me. I'm afraid my transference is making it hard for me to accept that as a possibility.
Thanks again for your support.
-Verloren
Posted by workinprogress on December 22, 2009, at 0:53:57
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
Veloren-
I'm so sorry you're hurting. Such strong, painful feelings. Believe me, and TG and all the others, when I saw we know. The pain and confusion of transference is absolutely real, but I've also found that it's pretty darn necessary. More necessary is to find a T that gets how necessary it is.
What I would say though, is that given how intensely painful transference is, we look for any way to alleviate it. Maybe Ada gave you some alleviation, some assurance that you weren't bad for feeling the way you do. I know I was looking everywhere for that, even when I got up the guts to talk to my T and she told me so- I needed someone outside the room to tell me that what was going on inside was ok. Maybe that's part of what's up with Ada?
Regardless, please do talk to your T, share what you shared here. I bet you two will get through it.
I agree with many others here though, on an ongoing basis, I would find it very confusing, not to mention expensive, to see two Ts.
hugs...
WIP
Posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 15:03:55
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » Verloren, posted by sassyfrancesca on December 21, 2009, at 14:48:56
Thanks Sassy!
My childhood was filled with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse from my mother and some sexual abuse from my older sister and cousin.
I have a really hard time knowing whether or not I sincerely "love" someone for who they are or if I'm responding to something they're doing as a result of my childhood. I also have a hard time determining how others truly feel about me.
Emotionally, I still want to see both Ts but I'm starting to think it would cause some confusion down the line.
Thanks for your words of kindness. It feels good to be cared about.
-Verloren
Posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 15:20:11
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by emilyp on December 21, 2009, at 18:34:10
Thanks Emilyp!
I really appreciate your honest thoughts. I'm still struggling with what my emotions tell me I want (to see both) and what my mental self says is best (move forward with current T).
My emotions are still stuck in a childlike state and I get upset really quickly when I am being denied something dear to me. I have the same struggles with food and dieting.
I do agree that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my therapy and my T and it's not always in the best self-improving ways. I'm off work right now so I have a lot of time on my hands til I go back, so I spend it thinking about my T and what to talk about when I see her next, and what we already talked about, so on and so on.
I feel like I need to start transitioning back to a place where I can go to work and take care of myself and my home but I'm stuck right now.
You said "...as one deals with transference, longer term those feelings should subside." I worry how long is long-term? What can I do to stop thinking about my therapy and my T ALL the time?
Thanks for your support!
-Verloren
Posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 18:28:06
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by emmanuel98 on December 21, 2009, at 21:22:04
Thanks Emmanuel98!
You sound like my T! She used that exact word "unethical" :)
Although, I'm not sure what role ethics play except for maybe the conflicting advice they each give me would have me doubting them at every turn.That also raises another question in my mind. I suppose there are so many different schools of thought in psychotherapy, but I'm really naive enough to believe that the advice of several random Ts should not be so contradicting.
Now I'm just randomly thinking this out, but if I only always saw my first T then I would only always have her "version" of therapy. If I went to someone else later on, then I would get their version which could be very different. I think that would also cause me confusion and in addition I might become bitter at the first T for not having thought of something the 2nd one did. I may think the years spent in therapy were wasteful if a 2nd T comes in with a radically different approach. Does that make sense?
I guess I naively expect a good therapist will regularly consult with other Ts so that they aren't providing a closed or limited view. Shouldn't this happen ideally?
And I also suppose that I am still waiting for the ah ha moment where I feel like this therapy I am in has compelled me to grow in some area.
But you're right, I definitely do not want to remain caught in the throes of 2 cases of transference. I am having a hard time dealing with one. The only frustrating thought I keep holding on to, is that seeing Ada made me feel like I could face the issue with my T. I worry I'll rely too heavily on needing outside influences to help me work successfully with my T. Oy!
Thanks again for the response,
-Verloren
Posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 21:33:53
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » Verloren, posted by TherapyGirl on December 21, 2009, at 21:26:54
Thanks for the hugs!
I have tried thinking of what it is about Ada that I find so compelling but no luck. The closest thing I can think of is that she responded to certain things I said in a more assured sense than my T.
But I will try to working it through with my T. Hopefully, I won't have to do sneaky things like lie to her.
2 sessions left, after 25 years! I can't begin to imagine your heartache. Though, I hope you are in a much, much better place than 25 years ago. Are you continuing therapy with someone new? Either way, you must be very brave. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Hugs to you too!
-Verloren
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 22, 2009, at 21:44:06
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » emilyp, posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 15:20:11
When I started therapy, I thought of my T all the time as well. ALL the time. I even dreamed of him at night. It's painful, but maybe that's where your head needs to be right now, thinking about therapy, working on yourself. If you have a good T and she is sympathetic to powerful transference and has good boundaries, then it WILL subside but it takes time. Longer than I would have thought. Sometimes it seemed too much and I would call this friend of mine and cry about my T. Do you have a friend you can talk to about how powwerful this is for you? You can certainly always use this list.
I don't know about you, but for me, I experienced almost no simple kindness and care as a child and grew up thinking I didn't need it. So when I experienced that in therapy -- and that's all it is that they do, provide simple kindness and care, what T's call unconditional positive regard. There's no magic to it -- it unleashed this flood of emotion.
But I don't think two T's is the answer. That just makes everything more intense, more confusion, more transference issues.
> I do agree that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my therapy and my T and it's not always in the best self-improving ways. I'm off work right now so I have a lot of time on my hands til I go back, so I spend it thinking about my T and what to talk about when I see her next, and what we already talked about, so on and so on.
>
> I feel like I need to start transitioning back to a place where I can go to work and take care of myself and my home but I'm stuck right now.
>
> You said "...as one deals with transference, longer term those feelings should subside." I worry how long is long-term? What can I do to stop thinking about my therapy and my T ALL the time?
>
Posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 21:44:55
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » Verloren, posted by workinprogress on December 22, 2009, at 0:53:57
Hi WIP!
>
>What I would say though, is that given how intensely painful transference is, we look for any way to alleviate it. Maybe Ada gave you some alleviation, some assurance that you weren't bad for feeling the way you do. I know I was looking everywhere for that, even when I got up the guts to talk to my T and she told me so- I needed someone outside the room to tell me that what was going on inside was ok. Maybe that's part of what's up with Ada?
>
My goodness, I read that and thought "Exactly!" I was soooooo afraid my T would look at me with disgust if I admitted my feelings to her. Even if she didn't show it on her face, I would've still felt like she was thinking it inside. When Ada told me it wouldn't be that way and that my T would likely not respond negatively, I DID feel relief. And it was so much easier to talk to Ada about it since I didn't have the feelings for her, I had nothing to lose. With my T, I risk losing everything we've done so far.How did things work out after you told your T about your feelings. Did they lessen?
Thanks for your support. I'm glad to have found people who understand even if it seems like we're all struggling through this process.
-Verloren
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 22, 2009, at 22:17:54
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » workinprogress, posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 21:44:55
> How did things work out after you told your T about your feelings. Did they lessen?
I told my T fairly early in therapy. I was embarrassed and cautious, saying things like, I care a lot what you think of me. He was very experienced and understood fairly well what I was going through. I've seen him for five years and we've talked about this quite a lot over that time. It was hard to talk about and hard to feel so much emotion for him. But it taught me a lot about myself. Try your T out. Tell her you think a lot about her between sessions to start with. If she's experienced with transference, she will understand immediately and will not reject or embarrass you.
If she does reject or embarrass you, or if she violates boundaries, then she is a bad T and you should dump her.
Talking about it doesn't make the feelings go away exactly. But it does make them manageable. It becomes a subject for discussion, not for shame and denial and that's a real growth experience.
Posted by rnny on December 22, 2009, at 23:18:18
In reply to Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by Verloren on December 21, 2009, at 9:08:43
You may not know them because we live in a big world. But there are very people with very high standards who would find your skin and even your smell beautiful. You are beautiful to alot of people and there are people who would do anything to have you in their life. Because you don't know these people it doesn't make it any less true. When you look at the billons of people in the world, truly to thousands you would be their answer to prayer. Rub your arms gently, touch your face softly, and put your arms around yourself the best you can. Someone out there would love to do this to you, if you only knew them.
Posted by workinprogress on December 23, 2009, at 0:42:06
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post) » workinprogress, posted by Verloren on December 22, 2009, at 21:44:55
Hey there Verloren-
I wish I could say they lessened when I talked about it, but that wasn't exactly how it worked. I think they got more intense, because I opened up and trusted her more. What happened was, over time, with more conversations (we talked about whether my feelings were ok numerous times) my anxiety and beating myself up for my feelings (or trying to push them away) lessened. That stuff's gone pretty completely now. But I'm still working through my attachment with her- still have worries of abandonment and still have a pretty tight grip on her in my mind I suppose.
She's still ever present really, but it's not usually painful anymore. All I can say is, you'll have your own process, but the process works... pain and attachment are often a part of it.... but as my therapist just shared with me, we often learn the most when we are in pain.
Good luck and keep us posted.
WIP
> Hi WIP!
>
> >
> >What I would say though, is that given how intensely painful transference is, we look for any way to alleviate it. Maybe Ada gave you some alleviation, some assurance that you weren't bad for feeling the way you do. I know I was looking everywhere for that, even when I got up the guts to talk to my T and she told me so- I needed someone outside the room to tell me that what was going on inside was ok. Maybe that's part of what's up with Ada?
> >
>
>
> My goodness, I read that and thought "Exactly!" I was soooooo afraid my T would look at me with disgust if I admitted my feelings to her. Even if she didn't show it on her face, I would've still felt like she was thinking it inside. When Ada told me it wouldn't be that way and that my T would likely not respond negatively, I DID feel relief. And it was so much easier to talk to Ada about it since I didn't have the feelings for her, I had nothing to lose. With my T, I risk losing everything we've done so far.
>
> How did things work out after you told your T about your feelings. Did they lessen?
>
> Thanks for your support. I'm glad to have found people who understand even if it seems like we're all struggling through this process.
>
> -Verloren
>
Posted by Verloren on December 24, 2009, at 1:27:08
In reply to Re: Sharing my story (Very Long Post), posted by rnny on December 22, 2009, at 23:18:18
Thank you Rnny!
I can't wait to meet these people.
Your kind words mean a lot to me,
-Verloren
This is the end of the thread.
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