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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
...well, practically.
I hadn't seen my T in about a month. I was going every three weeks (my choice) b/c I felt that there wasn't much I wanted to work on (although much I'm sure she would say I needed to work on) and i felt like every appt was me complaining about my life and her asking what goals i wanted to set and me shrugging my shoulders. Once I did say I wanted help getting over my first therapist, but she seemed to have forgotten that when the next session came around and I didn't bring it up again. I've had a lot of family pressures: mom w/ alzheimer's, my dad's been sick lately first with a broken collar bone and now a kidney stone that is too large to pass, so I'm basically the one who goes back and forth doing things for them b/c my sis doesn't do anything to help.
So during this latest crisis with my dad I leave my T a message while I'm at the doc's. My T called me back last weekend, said she's booked during the week but would stay late yesterday (Saturday) to see me and I said ok.
First, she's never on time. Isn't that supposed to be part of the "therapeutic frame" or something, that sessions begin and end at a certain time? She's always running at least 15 mins behind, but yesterday my appt was for 5:15, I got there at 5, she didn't see me until 5:45. I had things going through my head, things i wanted to tell her: stuff about my first therapist, dreams I've had, my parents, work, eating, blah blah, but nothing planned-out in my head.
I walk in, sit on the couch, and shut down. Completely. It was like with my first therapist all over again. I've never been like this with her. She kept asking me questions, trying to coax a conversation. She started to talk soft, like my first therapist used to, saying how glad she is to see me but she can't read my mind and why won't I let her help me, blah blah. I start to cry. She hands me a box of tissues which I ignore. This goes on for over half an hour. I wanted to say stuff, I really did, but when I get stuck like that I can't get over it, and no one seems to understand that. The things I needed to say seemed so daunting, and useless, and took way too much energy. It was easier just to sit there. I thought she would be a bit more understanding, but she turned on me like my first therapist did. Although I doubt she'd put up with two years of this like the first . She asked if I wanted to go to the outpatient eating disorder program while I had a month left before I go back to work (I have the summer off), I shook my head. She asked, again, if there's anything I want to work on in the month I have before I go back to work. I shook my head, got up, and started to walk out. She followed me, asked what I'm doing, asked me to stay for a few more minutes, why am i doing this. I walk out the door, get into my car. The whole time I'm telling myself (in my head) that I'm an idiot, I'm blowing this AGAIN, what the hell am I doing, and I can hear her call after me but I block out what she's actually saying. I see her out of the corner of my eye standing in the parking lot but I don't look at her. I drive away.
As I walk in my door I hear her on my machine. She leaves a message, sounding kind of aggravated, said she thought we were going to have a good conversation b/c she hadn't seen me and she doesn't understand what happened and to think about what I want and to let her know when I figure it out. I crawled onto a chair and bawled.
So, yeah, I pretty much f**ked up another one.
Why do I do this? Why do I shut down when I need someone the most? And why can't they figure it out? And what the hell do I do now? Now what if something majorly bad happens and I need her? I'm screwed, that's what.
And I'm so completely pissy lately. And to top it all off this morning my cat puked on my rug and I spilled my iced coffee after I got home from the coffee shop. Argh!
I don't want to be me anymore.
Posted by friesandcoke on July 19, 2009, at 10:59:04
In reply to another therapist bites the dust...., posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
based on what you said, you can still go back and see her. i don't see that she shut the door. unless there are scheduling problems or insurance issues that would stop you from going, she didn't seem to want it to end. but you said you had to go back to work and stuff so maybe your schedule won't allow you to go back. maybe you are in pain but don't want to get involved with anyone right now in terms of them helping you. here is a big hug for you((((librarygirl)))).
Posted by antigua3 on July 19, 2009, at 11:21:03
In reply to another therapist bites the dust...., posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
Did you tell her that you were angry to have to wait for 45 minutes? That's huge in my book. I take it all very personally. That seems to be what shut you down, and if I'm wrong, I apologize, but maybe you could call and leave her a message about it. Sounds like she didn't have a clue how important this was to you.
antigua
Posted by obsidian on July 19, 2009, at 12:44:35
In reply to another therapist bites the dust...., posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
Well, I will sometimes be unable to talk about anything until I am able to talk about how angry and/or hurt I feel with my T. ...generally because of feeling discounted (the lateness thing) or feeling like making time for me is too much of an effort for him.
I shut down sometimes because it is very hard for me to talk about, because I feel very hurt and it sucks to feel that way, and so needy and vulnerable...and if someone didn't get that, it might be even worse!
I'd like to think your T would be open to hearing that.
try not to be so hard on yourself..you're trying, but it's hard.
take care,
sid
Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2009, at 14:33:21
In reply to another therapist bites the dust...., posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
I don't see that this needs to be the end. You had a bad session. You are angry with her, and perhaps she is angry (or as my therapist says "frustrated") with you. But relationships are about working on this stuff together.
She really can't read your mind. *My* therapist, after all these years, usually is dead wrong when he tries to read my mind, and he generally won't even try.
We work a lot on what I call with my son "using my words". I really have a hard time communicating when I'm upset and he works patiently (usually) with me to put into words why I'm angry.
You could start with fortyfive minutes late. Even if she stayed late to see you at a different time, it would have been polite of her to let you know she was running late. Maybe even especially then, since you might be worried that you had the wrong time or she had forgotten. My therapist's sessions nearly always run from ten after till the hour. I'm surprised if he brings me back before ten after. I pay no attention at a quarter after. But if it stretches to twenty minutes after, I get annoyed. By half past, I'm ready to walk out. It hasn't happened often, and I do think he'd be anxious enough to contact me if he's going to be later than twenty after.
It sounds as if she wants to work this out with you. It could be good practice for real life, where people are generally bad at mind reading too.
Posted by LibraryGirl on July 20, 2009, at 9:02:24
In reply to another therapist bites the dust...., posted by LibraryGirl on July 19, 2009, at 10:36:52
Thanks, everyone. I guess technically she'd be open to seeing me again, but I can't guarantee that the silence won't happen again. I'm not sure why it happens, but once it does I can't get out of it. Plus I'm not even sure *why* I go to therapy. Half of my brain wants help with stuff, the other half wants things to stay the same, and if I'm stuck then why waste time and money to go to sessions? Plus, my brain won't let me call her or contact her. I wouldn't know what to say anyway. Thanks everyone for your replies.
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