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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
How would you describe it? What does depression *feel* like to you? I'd be interested in hearing any way you describe it... in words, images, sensations... or any other way that makes sense to you.
To me, there is a big difference between the feeling of upset/hurt/etc and the feeling of depression. Often my depression isnt related to anything. I can feel absolutely miserable, suicidal, etc with no trigger and without being able to really identify any specific feeling other than "depression". I was feeling that way with my therapist today and I dont think she quite understood that I really couldnt place another intense feeling on it. No, it wasnt hurt, or loneliness, or anything else she suggested. I think those feelings all play into it and many of them do exist, but they dont even touch the "depression" feeling. I really dont know how to describe it. I'd like to hear how others describe it to help me make sense of it for myself and for my therapy.
Posted by garnet71 on April 7, 2009, at 17:57:08
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
it feels like someone has taken your life spirit and is holding it hostage
Posted by Kath on April 7, 2009, at 19:14:58
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
These come to my mind:
despondent (sp?)
despair
apathy
withdrawn
empty
Just some words that came to my mind.
If I'm depressed I feel like I want to curl up in a ball & I feel imobilized sometimes. I feel sad; lonely; trapped; scared; panicky.
Kath
Doesn't depression just suck!!
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 7, 2009, at 19:27:03
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like? » yellowbird01, posted by garnet71 on April 7, 2009, at 17:57:08
Here is the image/sensation for me. I don't know if it will make sense to anyone else...
Have you ever made a Jack-O-Lantern? You know how you have to scoop out all of the "guts?" Sometimes you have to really scrape at the sides to get it all out. That's how my depression feels. Like someone has scooped out and scraped out my soul. And I feel sad and empty.
I've had that in my head for a long time and never even shared it with my T. I hope someone can make sense of it.
Best,
EE
Posted by seldomseen on April 7, 2009, at 21:08:43
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
What an interesting question.
Depression for me feels like the world is painted battleship gray. There is no color, everything just blends into the horizon. All things monotone.
Depression is so so heavy. My body feels wet and weighted down. It's a constant feeling of the last surfacing before you go under for the last time.
Depression for me is grief. Not the intense acute grief of a sudden loss, but a relentless quiet grief that no one seems to understand.
I remember when I first started on Prozac when I was 30. At first it was *really* rough, like walking out into the sun after being in a cellar.
About 3 weeks into treatment things began to snap into focus. I started to see in color and taste food again. I remember I ate this cheap blueberry muffin from some coffee shop and thinking "man this is the best thing I have *ever* tasted.
Unfortunately for me, and I think most, depression relapses and remits. Even with the Prozac i still fall in to the pit, but it's not as deep and I don't stay in as long.
Seldom.
Posted by garnet71 on April 7, 2009, at 21:33:57
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like? » yellowbird01, posted by seldomseen on April 7, 2009, at 21:08:43
Well that was a very anti-battleship gray description you wrote there; very colorful.
"About 3 weeks into treatment things began to snap into focus. I started to see in color and taste food again. I remember I ate this cheap blueberry muffin from some coffee shop and thinking "man this is the best thing I have *ever* tasted."
That's too funny about the processed blueberry muffin that was probably full of corn syrup. lol That's how I am when i came out of depression and more memorably, when i quit SSRIs; except not with food, but with music. Last time I quit Zoloft recently, I was in my car and a song came on the radio that goes "on the Mexican radio..oh oh..I wish I was in Tijuiana eating a barbequed iguana.."
I don't remember having much of an opinion about that song before that, but all of the sudden, it was the greatest song in the world-I loved it! I still love it..I guess my emotions connect to music. It's the sound of your blueberry muffin..lol.
When I got out of bootcamp, the first song I heard on the radio was Slim Shady, Eminem. It was also the greatest song at the time...and i still feel good when I hear it. Well, I was also deprived of music for 6 weeks, except when the drill sergeant forced us to do chemical warfare exercises while listening to Metallica, ACDC, and Ozzy Osbourne.
It's weird how music correlates with emotional memories. There's many songs from when I grew up and had other hard times, then very pleasant experiences, that I have a similar reaction to. Musical emotion for me usually corresponds with an intense sense of freedom; liberation. At the time I left my son's father, when I was 23, that song Name by the GooGoo dolls was always on the radio. I always tear up when i hear it-it still sounds so good. I just remember driving in my car with all the windows down, that song always playing. Being so happy. I was free from everything ugly for the first time since I had been born.
You know, I once heard that hearing is the worst sense to lose--even worse than sight--because it somehow totally disconnects you from the world. I also read a research summary/article that said smell was the sense that provokes the deepest emotional memories of all the senses. I actually still have the scent of my ex bf's pheremones imprinted in my brain. I can 'retrieve' that scent at any given time, and it was always intoxicating.
Posted by raisinb on April 7, 2009, at 21:40:09
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
I know exactly what you mean. There is a gigantic difference between negative emotions and depression.
Here's how it feels to me: there are lots of thing in my life that I care about. When they go well, they bring me joy. When they go badly, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc. Depression destroys the connections between me and those things. The result is total meaninglessness. There's no reason to get out of bed, but there's no reason to stay in, either. Every movement, from brushing my teeth to pulling back the covers, is a monumental effort. Because I have no faith in getting pleasure from anything, I don't eat or drink (I'm hungry or thirsty, but I've lost the zest that motivates).
Posted by raisinb on April 7, 2009, at 21:41:08
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 7, 2009, at 19:27:03
Posted by DarkStarEtc on April 8, 2009, at 10:34:49
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
I tried to explain to my ex-T that it's like being caught up in a tsunami or violent flood... and everyone else seems to be on dry land.
They are all saying things like, "do the backstroke, you'll be ok!" or "if you'd only move your arms correctly you'd be up here, too!" and then they walk away while in the meantime I'm fighting to just keep my head above water, and I'm not sure if I can keep from going under... wave after wave of despair trying to push me down, and I can't see the shore anymore.
DarkStar Etc.
Posted by pegasus on April 8, 2009, at 14:24:09
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
There's a song by Dar Williams about depression that has this line that always rang so true for me:
. . . it felt like
A winter machine that you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring boundAt the worst, it feels like I'm underwater, or under molasses. Every little thing takes so much effort, and provides so little reward, and I have lost connection with anything positive.
I remember once at a bad time being at an airport, and seeing a young mom with a baby in one of those car seat carriers. I looked at that baby and felt the most intense heartbreak that that poor innocent child would have to go through a whole life. That's become my indicator of depression now. When I start feeling sorry for babies, because they have to endure being alive, then I know it's time to seek help.
peg
Posted by yellowbird01 on April 8, 2009, at 20:52:23
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
I really like the images you all have. "Like" in a twisted sense I guess because there's really nothing to like about depression! But they are very interesting to me. I havent quite come up with my own description yet.. I'm still working on it... I know so clearly what it feels like that it seems crazy not to be able to put it in words.
I'm going back to see my T again tomorrow. I saw her Tues, and typically never go more than once a week. Heck, I cant even afford once a week... but I guess I'll worry about that later. I feel like I'm spiraling into a very bad place and if I dont stop the fall right now, it's going to get really ugly. We'll see.
Posted by Tabitha on April 9, 2009, at 0:49:34
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
I find moderate depression isn't really unpleasant at all. It's like being in a cocoon. I'm kind of numb and content to be inactive. I'm productive at tasks requiring concentration, but not so much at tasks that require physical effort or human interaction. I find myself spouting some strangely negative thoughts and beliefs, but they also seem comforting and true.
When it gets worse, I get beset by fear and dread. I become reactive to people, easily getting upset and spinning for hours after a minor interaction. I can become overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness. There's no pleasure or peace anywhere, in activities or thoughts. The only thing that brings temporary relief is sleep.
Posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2009, at 12:37:01
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by Tabitha on April 9, 2009, at 0:49:34
Does that mean my fears and I mean fears are really depression? Love Phillipa
Posted by yellowbird01 on April 9, 2009, at 16:23:38
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by Tabitha on April 9, 2009, at 0:49:34
Tabitha, I had never thought of it this way but I really agree with you. Your post made me wonder... is what I consider normal "doing okay" for myself truly a mild-moderate depression? Maybe it's only when I hit more moderate-severe depression that I start to label it as such. I wonder this because what you described as a moderate depression resonates so much for me. I dont love it, but I dont necessairly mind it... the isolation (both physical and emotional) is somewhat comfortable and even though it's not where I hope to be ideally, I'm sort of content with it. I feel quite productive when it comes to doing what *I* want to do when it requires concentration, but tasks that require effort either because they require extended interaction or it's something I'm not self-motivated to do, you can pretty much forget it. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing that.
I did see my therapist again today as planned. We didnt talk much about depression at all... but the session itself was good and productive I think.
Posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 20:49:42
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by pegasus on April 8, 2009, at 14:24:09
Elm
I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root;
It is what you fear.
I do not fear it: I have been there.Is it the sea you hear in me,
Its dissatisfactions?
Or the voice of nothing, that was you madness?Love is a shadow.
How you lie and cry after it.
Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously,
Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,
Echoing, echoing.Or shall I bring you the sound of poisons?
This is rain now, the big hush.
And this is the fruit of it: tin white, like arsenic.I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets.
Scorched to the root
My red filaments burn and stand,a hand of wires.Now I break up in pieces that fly about like clubs.
A wind of such violence
Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me
Cruelly, being barren.
Her radiance scathes me. Or perhaps I have caught her.I let her go. I let her go
Diminished and flat, as after radical surgery.
How your bad dreams possess and endow me.I am inhabited by a cry.
Nightly it flaps out
Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.Clouds pass and disperse.
Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?
Is it for such I agitate my heart?I am incapable of more knowledge.
What is this, this face
So murderous in its strangle of branches?--Its snaky acids kiss.
It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults
That kill, that kill, that kill.Sylvia Plath
Posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 20:53:14
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 20:49:42
Especially this....
These lines often come to mind.
>I am inhabited by a cry.
Nightly it flaps out
Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.>I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.
Posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 20:53:56
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like? » Tabitha, posted by yellowbird01 on April 9, 2009, at 16:23:38
>All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings,
That's my idea of good writing.
Posted by raisinb on April 10, 2009, at 23:43:06
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 20:53:56
Sylvia Plath was truly amazing, and her life was terrible. She's one of my favorite poets. And she went to my alma mater!
Posted by SLS on April 11, 2009, at 4:39:38
In reply to What does depression feel like?, posted by yellowbird01 on April 7, 2009, at 17:50:44
Depression is a walking death.
- Scott
Posted by obsidian on April 11, 2009, at 23:56:28
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by Sigismund on April 10, 2009, at 20:49:42
We grow accustomed to the Dark by Emily Dickinson
We grow accustomed to the Dark --
When light is put away --
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Goodbye --A Moment -- We uncertain step
For newness of the night --
Then -- fit our Vision to the Dark --
And meet the Road -- erect --And so of larger -- Darkness --
Those Evenings of the Brain --
When not a Moon disclose a sign --
Or Star -- come out -- within --The Bravest -- grope a little --
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead --
But as they learn to see --Either the Darkness alters --
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight --
And Life steps almost straight.
Posted by Sigismund on April 12, 2009, at 16:54:47
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like? » Sigismund, posted by obsidian on April 11, 2009, at 23:56:28
That's wonderful. I must have heard of it...the title was familiar. I tried to read some of her more difficult poems once, and they seemed very interesting but quite hermetic and obscure.
She suffered from depression, hey?
Any writer I like has suffered from depression. I was very keen on WG Sebald who would begin his books with a statement about his sense of unease and vertigo, the sense of impending doom and collapse, which he somehow did not seperate from the subject matter, which was history, either fictionalised or not. IMO, they are the best books written this this century (I'm always doing this)
Posted by obsidian on April 14, 2009, at 18:29:44
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like? » obsidian, posted by Sigismund on April 12, 2009, at 16:54:47
thanks for the recommendations, I've left my poetry books at work now so I can't pick out something for fun
if you want to hear about kids books though?? probably not
but anyway...
I have these really cool poems within picture books...one of them, let's see, it's a maya angelou poemShadows on the wall
Noises down the hall
Life doesn't frighten me at all
Bad dogs barking loud
Big ghosts in a cloud
Life doesn't frighten me at all
Mean old Mother Goose
Lions on the loose
They don't frighten me at all
Dragons breathing flame
On my counterpane
That doesn't frighten me at all.
I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won't cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild
Life doesn't frighten me at all.
Tough guys fight
All alone at night
Life doesn't frighten me at all.
Panthers in the park
Strangers in the dark
No, they don't frighten me at all.
That new classroom where
Boys all pull my hair
(Kissy little girls
With their hair in curls)
They don't frighten me at all.
Don't show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream,
If I'm afraid at all
It's only in my dreams.
I've got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.
Life doesn't frighten me at all
Not at all
Not at all.
Life doesn't frighten me at all.
Posted by obsidian on April 14, 2009, at 18:34:43
In reply to Re: What does depression feel like?, posted by obsidian on April 14, 2009, at 18:29:44
you guys know that line right?
it is not easy at all
-sid
Posted by Sigismund on April 14, 2009, at 20:13:06
In reply to 'unslumping yourself is not easily done'.........., posted by obsidian on April 14, 2009, at 18:34:43
One line I liked was a father saying to his anorexic daughter
'Anorexia is a mental illness. In this house we don't have mental illnesses. Eat your food.'
This is the end of the thread.
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