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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
This incident has upset me more than I thought it would. My therapists office is located in a non-descript office building --- fairly straightforward. There is one hallway with offices on either side with the elevator bank in the middle with bathrooms on either side.
Today as Im walking to her office, I notice my t is standing outside her office talking to another person. The other person was standing directly in front of her office chatting away - - - - - blah blah blah. I got the impression he was either moving out or in the building but they knew each other. The DUDE was a fairly big gregarious type of person.
Where to go? What do to? This guy is standing in front of her office???
My therapist turns around and sees me as I approach her office. I stop by the elevator bank (next to my ts office) and take a drink of water --- thinking my t will stop this conversation at once so DUDE will depart and disappear. No such luck. He keeps yapping. I cant drink any more water so then I stand my the entrance to the bathroom. It was locked but at least I was now out of sight.
The DUDE asks my t So how is your practice? I am DYING. She responds, good. Eventually this water cooler dribble stops and as fate would have it, my t goes to the bathroom and sees me hiding outside the door. She asks me if I would like the key and I storm pass her No, thats not why I was standing here.
When my session began I was so ANGRY. Finally I shout AWKWARD!. She asks, Why didnt you go to the waiting room? Me, He was standing in front of the door. T, He would have moved. Me, F*ck you.
I let her know that she didnt take care of me. She should have tried to end the conversation once she saw me walking down the hallway, as in, I have a client due any minute, we can talk later. Its not that she prolonged the conversation by asking him questions, she didnt, but she left me standing there feeling pretty stupid!
The session went downhill fairly quickly. I guess saying f*ck you isnt exactly a kind thing to say. But how could she NOT get that this was an awkward situation?? Annie, there is no shame in coming to see a therapist.
I feel completely misunderstood.
Would you have been able to tell Mr. Dube to move out of the way so you could get in the office of the person that is standing next to you?
Posted by backseatdriver on March 3, 2009, at 12:41:32
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
Hi Annie --
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that guy! He sounds both overwhelming and oblivious to his effect on other people, a bad combination.
Maybe your therapist was also feeling overwhelmed by him?
Even if she was, though, she might have handled the hallway situation differently. More assertively.
The other thing that's bothering me is that I feel like she added insult to injury by making you responsible for the situation. That would have triggered *me* big time.
Yours,
BSD
Posted by Phillipa on March 3, 2009, at 12:42:15
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
Seriously? I just would have excused myself and gone in the office and waited figuring she was talking to someone. It would have had nothing to do with me. Sounded to me like she was just talking with a friend. That is just me though. Love Phillipa sorry you were so upset.
Posted by antigua3 on March 3, 2009, at 13:13:07
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
I would have hidden, or left and come back later, just because I wouldn't have been able to barge my way through. Not my style. Now, the FU to your T, I'm really good at that with my pdoc.
I don't think your T handled it well. Maybe she was uncomfortable, or more likely didn't recognize that you were uncomfortable, but she shouldn't have held you responsibile. At least not IMO.
I would have been angry too. So talk about it. It must mean something; it always does.
antigua
Posted by wittgensteinz on March 3, 2009, at 13:33:38
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
Yes, I know why this felt so awkward and yes, I agree your T didn't appreciate how it would make you feel. I don't know what I would have done - I think I would have kept myself out of the way until he was gone. I'd have felt uncomfortable breaking up their conversation and walking past him.
There have been a couple of similarly awkward incidences with my T in the last few weeks. On one occasion I was very early for the appointment so I went to the local shops near where he lives. There's a small chocolate shop there where you can get coffee and cake. I go in and he's sitting there with his wife drinking coffee. I wanted to run out of the shop. Luckily they were just on their way out - of course they both walk past me and say "hello", a little awkwardly. That place was a 'safe' place for me to wait if I was ever too early (he doesn't really have a waiting room because he runs his practice from his house). The other incident was when I was delayed - delayed train - and I arrive at the same moment his wife is returning with all her shopping. So she's standing in front of the front door with several bags and I'm hovering at the end of the garden path waiting until I can get past to ring the bell. Eventually I squeeze past and she says hello and that normally 'H' is seeing someone at this time, so I explain that that should be me but I'm late... I wish I could have disappeared into a hole! Even yesterday when I came out of his office there was a friend or colleague of his who was standing in the hallway waiting to see him. There's something different between a big office and a waiting room and bumping into people in your analyst's front hallway. It just makes me feel deadly awkward to meet his wife and friends. I want those things to be kept separate.
After these things have happened I'll usually say something and he'll say "well these things happen - it's nothing" - which doesn't really give room for the feelings I really have about it.
Sorry I've gone off on a tangent. Annie, does your T have her own private office or is the office used by more Ts? Do you ever have to sit in a waiting room with other clients?
Witti
Posted by Recently on March 3, 2009, at 13:54:09
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
>
> My therapist turns around and sees me as I approach her office. I stop by the elevator bank (next to my ts office) and take a drink of water --- thinking my t will stop this conversation at once so DUDE will depart and disappear. No such luck
>
>
This situation would have bothered me too. Especially this part. I agree with you - I would have expected that your T would have gently told the guy "Sorry, I have to go now, let's finish talking later" Or something. I definitely would not have been able to just push past the guy to get to the door. I'm sorry this happened.Recently
Posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 17:28:27
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
It's so funny that none of the punctuation appeared in my original e-mail -- like quotes and apostrophe's. How does that stuff happen in cyber space?
Anyway - THANKS for everyone's kind support.
To answer a few questions: yes, my therapist has a solo private practice. The man was standing, almost leaning, on her office door. If they were talking by the elevators I would not have been so uncomfortable. It was the fact that I would have to ask him to "MOVE now please".
Also - she could have gestured with her body language to move towards the middle or down the hallway.
I agree that I felt like she was placing blame on me for feeling upset. I did bring that up to her and she explained, rather poorly IMO, that when she discusses my uncomfortable feelings in any given situation, I tend to feel defensive. (Yes, that is true.) When, in fact, she claims, she is trying to open up the conversation on said feeling. But I think she misses an important step, as in, "I'm sorry you encountered that awkward situation this morning." WOW --- if only she would have said "I'm sorry" I think I would have felt more understood.
It reminds me of a fight we had YEARS ago. I wanted an apology and she was firm that "I didn't do anything wrong." I gave her the example of a mother watching her child ride a bicycle that tripped and scrapped their knee. The mother did not do anything "wrong" but she is there to comfort her child and say, "I'm so sorry you got hurt."
Witti - I have such an idealic image of your therapist's house, garden and town --- right out of a romantic English novel. I want to have a cup of tea with cake at that shoppe listening to the customers conversations w/their gorgeous accents. Yes, I can imagine how awkward that would be walking into your safe hang-out and seeing your therapist enjoying the same place (with his wife no less). Is his wife pretty? kind?
Thanks for everyone's support. I smiled inside knowing I'm not alone in feeling awkward in this.
Posted by seldomseen on March 3, 2009, at 19:08:47
In reply to Re: Awkward! » Annierose, posted by wittgensteinz on March 3, 2009, at 13:33:38
OMG Why won't T's stay in their offices???? Just don't get me started. Fortunately run-ins with my T are quite limited, but the times I have met him in the wild are shockingly disturbing.
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on March 3, 2009, at 19:13:46
In reply to Re: Thank you ..., posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 17:28:27
FWIW I would've probably hidden too.
I turn into a completely different person when I get within 50 feet of my therapist's office. It's like I become smaller and needier and more shy the closer I get.
I don't think therapists understand that sometimes. It's like they expect us to react as though we were in a grocery store asking someone to move their cart so we can get some toilet paper. It's not like that at all. It's a totally different thing.
Seldom
Posted by Phillipa on March 3, 2009, at 19:35:05
In reply to Re: Thank you ... » Annierose, posted by seldomseen on March 3, 2009, at 19:13:46
I guess because I worked with docs and all medical personell they don't intimidate me. They to me are no better than me. Someone once said when I had to testify in court for malpractice picture the layers and docs naked and it worked for me. I guess I'm different. Knew it anyway. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2009, at 21:11:16
In reply to Re: Thank you ..., posted by Phillipa on March 3, 2009, at 19:35:05
I think I'd have likely stood there with my head lowered shifting from foot to foot and looking awkward. My therapist is used to that, so he'd probably tell me or the other person what to do.
I can understand therapists being caught in the same awkward situations as anyone. But I agree with the others. No matter what you said, she could have responded more compassionately in this instance.
I was really struck by what you said about saying she was sorry. You're absolutely right. Saying that wouldn't have been any sort of admission of guilt. Just an acknowledgment of your pain, and her regret at seeing it. Even the most unpalatable discussion can be made a lot more palatable by that.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on March 4, 2009, at 2:22:22
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
Annie,
YES! I would feel Awkward. More than that really. I am with Seldomseen. The hallway is a different place for me. My T and I have talked a lot about it and I have been angry at times for her lack of understanding. The hallway feels sometimes like a little death march. I walk strangly like I'm both hyper aware of my body and not in it at the same time. It's a totally UNSAFE zone because it's not "out there" and it's not yet "in there". I hate it, really. If there is anything, or worse - anyone - in it other than the carpet, that cabinet thing, weird collection of pictures, and the thermostat I can FREAK OUT.Anyway, I do think she should have done something to motion that she was at least trying to get out of the conversation. And yes, whether it's her "fault" or not, I wish she had said she was sorry to you.
FMD
Posted by wittgensteinz on March 4, 2009, at 3:16:04
In reply to Re: Thank you ..., posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 17:28:27
The thing is, I'm sure they know exactly how it feels. They've been there themselves - they've been in therapy/analysis and so must have some idea of what it feels like. The anxiety/tension just before going into the private sanctury of the therapist's room. Maybe it is just a taboo/awkward part of therapy. It's where the strange world and rules of therapy meet the outside world, and perhaps they'd rather pretend that this interaction doesn't exist.
As for the nice image of an English town, although I am British I live in the Netherlands - so not so many English accents here! The Dutch accents are interesting too though. The shop is run by an American woman actually. It is a nice neighbourhood. There are always children playing and cycling in the streets, there's a nice park and lake with ducks and swans. His wife is nice - I met her first very soon after I started seeing him and I must have looked frightened as she said something like "Don't worry, he's a very nice, kind man". She's in her 60s, slim, greying hair, dressed practically. Kind of how I'd expect his wife to look.
Before I left England I did have 2 appointments with a pdoc at a private hospital - it was in an old mansion in the countryside and was more like a hotel or health spa than a hospital - carpet and chandeliars, no dysinfectant spell or plastic chairs. Of course there was complimentary tea and biscuits!
I hope the harmony restores between you and your T. It's a pity she can't just let herself say sorry when it would clearly have helped you.
Witti
Posted by B2chica on March 4, 2009, at 9:04:14
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
> Would you have been able to tell Mr. Dube to move out of the way so you could get in the office of the person that is standing next to you?
absolutely not, i'm too vulnerable when i'm waiting to see T. BUT maybe i'm just spoiled with my T. She ABSOLUTELY would have ended the conversation, either she would have "politely walked the DUDE to the outside door", or would have look at me, walked toward me and said Hi B2, why don't you have a seat in my office (making room for me to enter you office, then then gotten rid of DUDE).
i don't think i would have been pissed, i think i would have felt bad, maybe even brushed off a bit.
then i would have probably sulked and gotten depressed.
i guess i just dont know how to deal with things yet.BUT, either way. i do feel it was pretty cruddy. there are MANY ways she could have made you feel important and taken care of AND ended the conversation politely.
my2c
Posted by Poet on March 4, 2009, at 13:46:48
In reply to Awkward!, posted by Annierose on March 3, 2009, at 12:04:03
Hi Annierose,
I hate that my T shares an office suite with other T's and so I am rarely in the waiting room alone. I crave privacy and would not want someone blocking the door chatting away.
I am sending your T a hard cyber slap to the head for not realizing that Gabbing Guy was infringing on your time with her and she should have said, my client's here, gotta go.
Good for you for telling your T to f*ck off. I've used the F bomb with my T and frankly feel good about it as it lets out anger and frustration.
Poet
Posted by Annierose on March 4, 2009, at 14:52:43
In reply to Re: Awkward! » Annierose, posted by Poet on March 4, 2009, at 13:46:48
I was hoping my t would get a cyber slap from you!
But he was not infringing on my time --- just my space. My t is about a 20 - 30 minute drive depending upon the freeway system at any given time --- so I always leave extra room for goodness knows what.
I hate when both of us are entrenched in our "rightness" about an incident. Hopefully tomorrow we can move past this with more educated language on my part and an apology on hers. Who knows.
Posted by Annierose on March 4, 2009, at 14:54:43
In reply to Re: Thank you ..., posted by Dinah on March 3, 2009, at 21:11:16
She did acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation --- however she didn't know how to make it feel right for me.
I guess I am so sensitive to anticipate someone's feelings, I will easily predict uncomfortableness and try to make it right.
Posted by Annierose on March 4, 2009, at 14:56:45
In reply to Re: Thank you ... » Annierose, posted by wittgensteinz on March 4, 2009, at 3:16:04
Sorry to put your in the wrong country!! Nonetheless - it seems absolutely beautiful from the way you write about it.
I'm glad to hear his wife is kind hearted. It will make those awkward run-ins a little easier to bare.
This is the end of the thread.
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