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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
Hey. I'll try to keep this brief. I feel like I'm 'babbling' too much! I don't want to get booted off!
Anyway, my eyes have opened so much recently. Realizing I'm not alone in transference hades, while comforting on one hand, also kind of makes me a little sad (or something.. don't know that 'sad' is really the right word.) I don't know what is.
Reason being: for so many of us, because of our lousy upbringing mostly, we grew up feeling very 'un-special' and very unloved. In the relationship with our T's, it seems to be vitally important to us that we feel 'special'in her/his eyes. Uunless it's just me! lol! (o:Anyway, now that I have such a clear understanding as to what it going on inside as far as these feelings are concerned, and knowing full well that my T has known about them all along, but was just waiting for me to be able to express them to her verbally, now I suddenly feel like a walking text book on Abnormal Psychology!
I mean, knowing your behaviors are so easily predictable and to be expected, makes me feel very exposed, quite ordinary which all seem to sum up to say "you're not special." Just another classic, text book case of transference." I guess it's a bit unnerving knowing that everything I feel, do and say follows such a predictable pattern, and nothing I express to my therapist is going to be news to her as far as my feelings of closeness to her are concerned. I feel like I'm going to be on guard now against displaying any of this predictable, cookie cutter behavior, emotions or whatever. HA! Like they can be so easily controlled and overridden.I think this feeling has been amplified because I just started reading that "In Session" book some of you recommended. I just started it, but the author has already decribed this pattern of behavior, so now I realize just how predictable (and exposed) I really am.
I don't know if that made any sense at all to anyone. Just thought I'd throw it out there. Thanks alot.
Sharon
Posted by antigua3 on February 12, 2009, at 11:12:18
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
Um, I mostly agree with you. But, my T at least, has admitted that she didn't know "everything" about me when she first started seeing me. She said that my issues didn't become clear to her until a certain point when I kind of just mentioned something about what I was feeling. But it was a mutual discovery, really, so she didn't make me feel like I was a "textbook" case.
My pdoc? I think he has his own preconceived ideas, but he has had to adjust them as he has gotten to know me better. I've asked them both, at different times, "when did you know?" and "what do you see my issues as being?" and in both cases it lead to some pretty interesting discussions.
Maybe you should talk to your T about it? Try not to put yourself in a box--you are an individual, and while yes there are stages/diagnoses, etc. in therapy, everyone gets there in their own unique way. So you are special!
antigua
Posted by backseatdriver on February 12, 2009, at 11:15:13
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
Hi Sharon!
My T has been very big on the specialness issue lately.
Seems to me there are lots of ways to be special -- a person can be unique, or unrepeatable, or distinctive, or exemplary, or individual, or special like outliers are special, or .... My point: Even the word "special" encompasses a great deal. The word itself is often not *special* enough to capture just what, exactly, is special about you, or me, or Dr Bob, or anyone ...
In my family, being special was a big problem. I was "special" in the sense of being a lightning rod for everyone else's inner badness. I was sensitive, and responsive, so it was always gratifying to interact with me, and in my family "interaction" included a wide variety of things, many of which were not appropriate for children, or even sane adults. Specialness was a brand, a curse. Eventually I learned to hide myself, to not be special, in order not to attract envy, rage, and hatred. I also learned to manipulate other people's feelings toward me so if I needed more distance, I would do things to inspire these feelings. A talent that made me even more "special," if you see what I mean. "Specialness" is a double-edged sword.
That said, I do believe we are only here for one singular unrepeatable and very special lifetime, and for me on most days it is one that is much too short. I guess this is one "specialness" I really try to embrace, and resist relinquishing. I do feel -- especially with my T, whose approach is existential -- a lot of pressure to relinquish this sense of "specialness". For what reason, I don't know. This marks the limit of my understanding. Is it necessary to relinquish this idea of specialness, of the unrepeatability of one's life, in order to grow?
Yours,
BSD
Posted by Dinah on February 12, 2009, at 11:25:06
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
Many people fall in love. And the process of falling in love generally follows one of many patterns. After all, there aren't all that many patterns available given the number of humans in the world. But each couple is also unique and special.
You aren't the only one to experience these things, and your therapist's familiarity with it can only be helpful to you.
But *your* experience of these things and your therapist's experience with you is as unique and special as every love story or each parental bond is unique and special, no matter how "common" they may be.
Posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2009, at 12:15:16
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by Dinah on February 12, 2009, at 11:25:06
Mixed feelings as some therapists do seem to use a cookie cutter so to speak those are the ones I've found so far. Only one was very good and was making progress with him but we moved. As for my pdoc she understands me well. Although a lot may not agree with how she prescribes for me it's what she knows of my family and history and medical illnesses and works with that. So guess have some transference with her I don't really know. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on February 12, 2009, at 12:49:01
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
I feel so "unspecial" reading this thread. You people are just so well educated about psychology and psychotherapy. I am not.
I don't know if this will help or not, but it helped me:
"What is most personal is most general".
* There is a difference between personal and private.
This was said by my college Psych 101 professor regarding human personality. Perhaps this phrase captures the essence of why another person (a T for example) can learn to predict what one's reaction to a certain stimulus will be. Some people are trained to be skilled at developing a "theory of mind" more than others. That's why they get paid to listen to us talk.
Masturbation was my first thought regarding the truth I found in my professor's phrase as I sat listening to him. At age 18, nobody did it. :-) Well, maybe one person. People knew better, but were still unwilling to admit it - maybe even to themselves.
Now comes the duality of human nature part. While it may be true that we all have commonalities in certain core traits, each individual is unique. It is this uniqueness that allows for some people to get together as friends and others to not get along at all. It is the personality that is so unique and all the things that go into its manifestation.
Sharon7, like it or not, you are unique. That is just the consequence of how we humans develop as individuals. You have very little choice about that. And since you present as a very good and honest person, this uniqueness makes you extra-special in my book.
Now comes the really tough part. You need to come to believe it yourself, in spite of the messages you were exposed to during your development as a human being. If you like to know the Truth, you will have no choice but to believe that you are indeed special as you process your issues. Your journey is not to attain specialness. It is to recognize, accept, and celebrate the specialness that is already there.
I don't come to this board - ever. I don't know what I am doing here now. I guess I have had my fill of drugs for the day. You will have to excuse my babbling. I am sure it is rudimentary stuff, and not all that special. It is embarrassing. Uh, oh. Time for affirmations...
- Scott
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 12, 2009, at 13:37:33
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
(((Sharon))): Therapy isn't that cut and dried......no matter what t's think your pattern is, or that they kind of know you; you (as we all are) unique!!
and special.
Hugs, Sassy
As my t says we are many, many layers of the onion.......that's why I make him cry, LOl, LOL!!
Posted by antigua3 on February 12, 2009, at 13:54:49
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » sharon7, posted by SLS on February 12, 2009, at 12:49:01
You're definitely special in my book and I'm very glad to see that you ventured over here. You always offer a great deal of wisdom when you join any discussion.
Visit us more often!
antigua
Posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 15:02:13
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
Thanks, Everybody. I really appreciate all the insight and feedback. (o:
Oh, and by the way, I'm going to see my therapist again tomorrow. Now that I have finally broached the subject with her (about the transference thing) I have a lot more to talk about and a lot more questions, too.
It sure is nice to be able to bounce this off you guys! You really help me a lot. Thank you.
Sharon
Posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 15:13:28
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » sharon7, posted by sassyfrancesca on February 12, 2009, at 13:37:33
Thanks, Sassy. ((((sassy)))) Those cyber hugs are cool. I like them.
Hey, did you see my post from Tuesday where I said I went to see my therapist and was able to (finally) speak to her about the transference thing? I know you don't like that word; nor do I, but I don't know what else to call it. (I must need a "good girl" from you or something.) LOL!!! *BLUSH*
Thanks for being so nice!! AND making me feel so special!
Sharon
Posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 15:39:08
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » sharon7, posted by SLS on February 12, 2009, at 12:49:01
Hi SLS! Thank you and welcome! I've only been on here, not quite 3 weeks. The help I've received has been invaluable from reading other's posts and getting so much great feedback on mine. I really enjoyed reading your post. It was not rudimentary to me at all! Thank you for it.
Thanks for saying I'm special, Scott. YOU ARE, TOO! Glad you decided to 'drop by!' With all my other 'issues' I'm sure there's several other boards I could be on, but this was by far the best fit. I feel like most of my other 'issues' (addiction(s, ED) are just symptoms, coping mechanisms if you will, related to my deep seated emotional and psychological problems that I am hoping to resolve in therapy.
I hope to see you out there again! Thanks again.
Sharon (o:
Posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2009, at 19:39:58
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » SLS, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 15:39:08
Sharon my two cents Scott is a wonderful person with great empathy and he should be here more often. Bet he does with the invite. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on February 12, 2009, at 20:05:08
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » sharon7, posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2009, at 19:39:58
> Sharon my two cents Scott is a wonderful person with great empathy and he should be here more often. Bet he does with the invite. Phillipa
Phillipa,
Sometimes I think I have you fooled!
Seriously, though, thanks for the affirmation.
This feels like a warm, safe, and inviting place. I think I will visit more often.
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on February 12, 2009, at 20:07:08
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » Phillipa, posted by SLS on February 12, 2009, at 20:05:08
I certainly hope you do!
Posted by Phillipa on February 12, 2009, at 20:37:49
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » Phillipa, posted by SLS on February 12, 2009, at 20:05:08
Scott you haven't fooled me bit got your number your're kind, sweet, caring, empathetic and it is safe here. Lets try and keep it that way. Come on and leave meds for awhile. You've been working so hard over there now time for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on February 13, 2009, at 0:03:43
In reply to Has anyone ever felt like this?, posted by sharon7 on February 12, 2009, at 10:42:47
I've said to my therapist fairly often, "I feel like a therapy cliche." He sometimes gets very serious and tells me that he is flattered and honored that I have feelings for him and that I'm willing to share them with him. He also says it doesn't happen as often as you might think and it is even more rare for a client to be really honest and be willing to talk about all the feelings.
Not all therapists want to work with the feelings. Some just leave them alone and others get all freaked out about the dependency issues. I'm glad yours hasn't.
I hope tomorrow goes well.
Posted by SLS on February 13, 2009, at 7:12:53
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » sharon7, posted by DAisym on February 13, 2009, at 0:03:43
My therapist is eye candy to me. Not only that, but she possesses many of the traits that I am looking for in a mate. If she weren't my therapist, I would have asked her out.
It was my conclusion that I would have to exercise some self-discipline so as not to allow feelings to emerge. I think they would just get in the way of therapy. I consider her off limits. If she were to ask me, I would tell her just what I described here. But I don't think what I experience is transference so much as a healthy level of testosterone flowing in my veins. I think there is some sexual tension there on the part of both of us, but I just ignore it.
I don't know.
How does one differentiate between transference and having an attraction to your therapist?
- Scott
Posted by antigua3 on February 13, 2009, at 7:27:30
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » sharon7, posted by DAisym on February 13, 2009, at 0:03:43
Gee, talking about anyone's pdoc in particular? You know, the one who is freaked out by feelings that have anything to do w/him? (Not transference, the day to day REAL stuff).
antigua, who's just teasing you a bit
Posted by antigua3 on February 13, 2009, at 8:29:52
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? - Question, posted by SLS on February 13, 2009, at 7:12:53
I'd say it's hard to distinguish at times, but it would probably be good for your therapy if you let her know how you really feel about her. Working through these feelings with someone you are attracted to can help a lot, with the goal of feeling good enough within to go out and find a mate that possesses the qualities you admire.
By not telling her how you feel, you're keeping so much inside, so much that could be helpful to your therapy. Give up that self-discipline! It won't get in the way of therapy, it will be therapy. You will have to give up the fantasy of her, though, and that can be hard.
antigua
Posted by DAisym on February 13, 2009, at 12:18:14
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? » DAisym, posted by antigua3 on February 13, 2009, at 7:27:30
:)
Actually, I think we've had several therapists talked about here who don't want to "encourage dependency."
I have colleagues who shock me too - they talk so casually about client's feelings.
One of my favorite Frasier's (the TV show) is the one where Nile's wife is having an affair with her therapist. In discussing it, Niles says, "maybe it is just transference - it happens all the time." And Fraiser says, "yes it does - it has happened to me plenty of times" and Niles says, "really?" and Fraiser sort of falls apart and says, "NO! but I really want it to." :)
Posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 23:14:41
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? - Question » SLS, posted by antigua3 on February 13, 2009, at 8:29:52
Hi antigua. Thank you so much for your advice and support. You are so right about the things you said. In fact, I'm going to start a new thread just to report on my therapy session today. It's like after finally broaching the subject about the dreaded 'T' (xference) on Tues with my t, now I feel like I can tell her ANYTHING! And I tried to today. I had so many things to ask her, tell her. I think she's trippin'. She's probably like "what happened to my patient??" lol. Well, she's definitely happy that I am finally trying to express my feelings, but there's plenty other stuff she's not too thrilled with, so our work continues. Continues? It's probably just getting started. Like I said before, though, don't know if you saw, but I went for therapy originally for help getting over my grief for my husband leaving (8 years ago!) Anyway, I'm like so over that now, and I'm ready to go deeper now and address things I had pretty much given up hope on. But I have hope again.
> By not telling her how you feel, you're keeping so much inside, so much that could be helpful to your therapy. Give up that self-discipline! It won't get in the way of therapy, it will be therapy. You will have to give up the fantasy of her, though, and that can be hard.
How come I can't keep my fantasy about my therapist? lol. I guess I'm just hoping it'll fall by the wayside kind of unnoticed as I grow and mature. (o:
Thanks again for your support and for sharing your wisdom.
Sharon
Posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 23:20:14
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? - Question » antigua3, posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 23:14:41
Sorry.. rookie mistake! It sounded so much like me (except I was about to say "well, as for finding a MATE like my T, I couldn't really imagine my T as a man." LOL!
I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed now! But laughing at myself at the same time because it is kind of funny. You were talking to SLS! (o:
Posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 23:23:13
In reply to Re: Has anyone ever felt like this? - Question » SLS, posted by antigua3 on February 13, 2009, at 8:29:52
Sheesh! Now I see I sent my reply, that I had replied to the wrong post, to MYSELF! LOL!! Good grief. I better get some sleep! Sorry!
Sharon
Posted by antigua3 on February 14, 2009, at 10:40:34
In reply to Re: STILL BLOWING IT! ? - Question » antigua3, posted by Sharon7 on February 13, 2009, at 23:23:13
This is the end of the thread.
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