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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 8:56:58
i have been working with a therapist for 9 months, 3x per week. she has been helpful, yet i have trust issues with many people and continue to have trust issues with her. she has helped me see some of my issues with trust and self hatred.
over the past 2 weeks, she has not shown up for our friday 730 AM appointment. she calls me at 1030 from the office telling me she was sick, overslept and did not have my cell phone at her house. this happened two weeks in a row.
i know its an early appointment but this has thrown me for a big loop. i told her it bothered me and was unprofessional and she said she will buy another alarm clock and made sure my number was in her cell phone at her home.
i feel like it might not be in my best interest to terminate over this, since she has helped. on the other hand, i am not sure how to move past this or if I can. it just seems outragous to me that a therapist would allow that to happen. i have never ever no showed for anything. i always notify people.
Posted by Partlycloudy on December 30, 2008, at 9:36:05
In reply to therapist no showed, posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 8:56:58
At the least it sounds like poor time management. I'm a stickler for being on time, having had a T that doubled booked me or no-showed many times, then decided to "wrap things up" with me while I was still experiencing panic attacks several times a week.
Sometimes it's a case of us not being heard. Sometimes it's a case of the therapist not being able to manage their calenders, or their alarm clocks. Like I say - it's a big deal for me, comes down to my time being as precious as theirs.
I have a really good therapist now who gives me as much time as I need. I think it's a matter of matching needs and expectations. If your needs aren't being met repeatedly, then it's a problem - and your right as a client - to ask for better service, or find it elsewhere.
My 2 cents, whatever they are worth today :-)
pc
Posted by Phillipa on December 30, 2008, at 12:03:39
In reply to Re: therapist no showed » deerock, posted by Partlycloudy on December 30, 2008, at 9:36:05
If 7:30 is too early for her why does she schedule so early in the day? And if it's that early for her would be for me how can she be at her best? Phillipa
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 30, 2008, at 15:58:00
In reply to therapist no showed, posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 8:56:58
Hi Deerock,
I think the fact you have an early appointment is neither here nor there. I'm not sure whether you see an analyst, but from what I've heard, it is not uncommon for analysts to have early sessions.
I find it weird that your T offers such weak excuses as "I overslept". That's what teachers expect of late schoolchildren - and even then it's not tolerated. I also find it strange that she tells you she will buy a new alarm clock and remember to have your cell phone number at home - that doesn't make up for the fact you have already twice arrived to find her not there. Did she have a secretary to inform you she wasn't there? Did she attempt to apologise properly for her absence rather than just fobbing you off with excuses.
I'm sorry I'm reacting so strongly but as someone who also has big trust issues, I would find this experience very difficult not to take personally - this kind of thing doesn't help build confidence or trust - in fact it goes a long way to destroying these things. I personally think you deserve better than that and would hope she comes up with something better than "I overslept".
That said, I can see why it's hard - you've had 9 good months with this therapist, seeing her regularly - I would try and let her know how this has made you feel, what you expect of her and how you feel about the way she handled her absences. I've never experienced anything like this - my therapist has never been late, let along 'absent', and I know I wouldn't know what to do if I got there and he wasn't there.
Witti
Posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 16:13:12
In reply to Re: therapist no showed » deerock, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 30, 2008, at 15:58:00
i think she was trying to be honest. my sense was that she did oversleep because she has been slightly sick. she told me she overslept and her alarm clock did not wake her. i felt more like she was trying to be honest rather than that it was a weak excuse. but it is a weak excuse and it does erode my trust in her. i told her it was grossly unprofessional and makes me think she is incompetent. and she acts like she completely understands. and she seems to be sorry for it. i dont know. i really dont know how to proceed. id love to let her go, terminate and find someone else. but ive worked hard with her, i think she wont do it again. if she does i will terminate for sure. but it appears that she will not. i am open to hearing further thoughts on this from you.
Posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 16:19:59
In reply to Re: therapist no showed » deerock, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 30, 2008, at 15:58:00
i think she was trying to be honest. my sense was that she did oversleep because she has been slightly sick. she told me she overslept and her alarm clock did not wake her. i felt more like she was trying to be honest rather than that it was a weak excuse. but it is a weak excuse and it does erode my trust in her. i told her it was grossly unprofessional and makes me think she is incompetent. and she acts like she completely understands. and she seems to be sorry for it. i dont know. i really dont know how to proceed. id love to let her go, terminate and find someone else. but ive worked hard with her, i think she wont do it again. if she does i will terminate for sure. but it appears that she will not. i am open to hearing further thoughts on this from you.
she is an analyst. and she did apologize.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 30, 2008, at 17:32:53
In reply to Re: therapist no showed witti, posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 16:19:59
I think I might have jumped to conclusions - I'm glad she was honest but I think if I'd been told those reasons I would feel unable to be 'angry' about it - I'd feel guilty as she was 'ill'. I'm glad she apologised to you.
Why would you love to let her go, to terminate... besides the feelings that arose from her absence the last two Fridays - are there other reasons that come to mind?
Some months ago something came up between my therapist (also an analyst) and I and at the time I had to think whether it could continue to work. To some extent it still isn't wholly resolved but in the grand scheme of things, there was too much to be lost not to continue - perhaps these ruptures are an important part of therapy - they provide us opportunities to look at things we might not otherwise have faced. It was something quite different from an absence and I don't know how that would have made me feel. From my experience, any form of rupture or disturbance can take quite some time to work past but it is possible to work past them (as long as the same mistake isn't repeated).
Termination is not an easy thing to consider after so many sessions with someone. I'm sorry you have this dilemma. I guess the best thing is to sit on it for a while - see how this affects the relationship, whether it causes disruption or opens up new things for you.
Best of luck,
Witti
Posted by Maria01 on December 30, 2008, at 18:05:42
In reply to therapist no showed, posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 8:56:58
it's odd that she tended to no-show on your Friday appt's only..I dunno..if she were sick, wouldn't it impact her earlier in the week appointments as well?
You've done well in letting her know that you feel it's unprofessional. Her poor health/time management/whatever should not be your problem. Whatever the problem is, she needs to address it and to pay more attention. It's completely disrespectful of your time. Have you thought about letting her know that while you appreciate the apology, it may take you awhile to regain your trust in her? She'll know exactly where you stand with respect to this situation. If anything, it will put her on notice that you may consider terminating if it happens again without a very valid reason.
Good luck with this!
Posted by turtle on January 1, 2009, at 14:58:30
In reply to therapist no showed, posted by deerock on December 30, 2008, at 8:56:58
Deerock,
Trust and safety is such an important thing in therapy, something that I often struggle with. It's the therapist's job to provide a secure and safe framework, and missing sessions *is* a big deal.
Once my couple's therapist told us in advance that she was taking a week off, but I forgot and showed up at our usual time anyway. I sat outside the office alone for 30 minutes agonizing about whether to knock on the door. Maybe my partner was already in there? Maybe I had the meeting time wrong? Maybe I was in trouble because they thought I was late? Maybe they were talking about me and wanted to exclude me? What if I knocked on the door and I interrupted someone else's appointment? I didn't know what to do and was spinning a bit out of control. Luckily another therapist found me pacing outside the door and very kindly told me that my therapist was on vacation. Facing that locked door with no one there can be very emotionally difficult especially if you have trust and abandonment issues. I was definitely triggered by that event. What kinds of things came up for you when you realized that you were alone? And when it happened the second time?
In your case it wasn't your mistake (as it was with me) but instead it was your therapist that let you down. You are asking yourself whether you should terminate, and feel that you don't know how to move past this. If you haven't had experiences in the past of someone caring enough to talk through these issues and to try to genuinely make repairs, it's hard to imagine how it can happen.
One response could be to decide "you hurt me, and I'm going to leave to make sure you never hurt me again." I'm not sure what the rest of your relationship with your therapist is like. Has she been generally stable and present with you? Is she actively working to build trust? Or have there been repeated hurts that never get healed? With my first therapist, an event like this would have unfortunately led to termination. We were such a mismatch that in our two years together we did have many repeated hurts pile up, and I didn't have enough safety with her to talk through the issues. The few times I did try to talk through the ways she had hurt me, she would react with defensiveness, rejection, blaming, and open annoyance. It felt like she barely tolerated me. I was so afraid of her. I would have internalized the hurt, terminated, and had some very negative lessons reinforced in the process.
With my current therapist I'm confident that if this happened to me now we would get through it. I almost wish she would mess up so that I could go through this exercise with her. In our year together she has been very reliable and caring, and amazingly enough hasn't hurt me even once yet even though I keep expecting it. When I first started therapy with her I felt her quiet strength as she built up trust. It all seemed a very mysterious process to me. When I would take risks and tell her sensitive things, she somehow knew where to engage to give me support and not allow me to run away, all while not touching the sensitive areas until I was ready. I've never felt impatience or rejection from her once. We have a solid base to stand on. If she let me down now by missing our appointment, I know I would still feel all the same things that you probably just experienced. The big difference is that with this therapist, all of my other experiences with her have led me to feel safe enough to go in and tell her about my fear, anger, rejection, and hurt. I would tell her that it made me feel like running away. I would tell her that I dont know how to get around this, that it felt like I had to choose between continuing to be hurt by her or to close myself off completely and leave. It wouldn't be easy, but I have enough experience with sharing other things with her that I could see it as an option. With this therapist, she would listen to all of that with compassion and maybe show me another option to fix it that I can't see on my own. Maybe I would even have compassion for her too.
Something like this can bring up a lot valuable issues to work on in therapy. Is your relationship with your therapist otherwise good? If so, are you a little curious about how she might try to make repairs? Are you able to explore all of the feelings that came up with her? If so, get the most mileage you can out of this and explore as deeply as you can go. You might end up knowing yourself better and having a better relationship with your therapist. If you are not comfortable talking this through with your therapist, then maybe you would be better served finding a therapist that you did feel safe saying these things too. Even opening the topic of not feeling safe would be valuable too. I guess the point I'm trying to get to is that although the event is important (missed appointments) how the two of you work through it together is just as important.
Turtle
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