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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
Just curious:
How often do you all think about your T? Or maybe you don't think about him/her much. What is your experience with this?I find myself thinking about her pretty often. I'm sure it's related to my dependency on her and trying to connect to/with her; a transference reaction. I'm embarrassed that I think about her so much.
Have any of you spoken with your T about this issue?
I would love to hear what you guys have to say.
Thanks!!!
Posted by turtle on October 14, 2008, at 22:58:54
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
Constantly.
I'm actually very confused about the whole thing.
My T went on vacation for just one single week recently. My response was very different than what it seems a lot of others here go through. It feels almost like no one was home so I just up and moved out. Last week when she came back felt very awkward. I look at that one fact and think, what's wrong with me? Can't I attach?
On the other hand, I worry on the therapy thing and my T relationship like a dog with a favorite bone. I chew on this day in and day out nonstop for months on end, every free moment sucks me back into it. Need, need, need.
Two opposites that are both true. Craziness I can't explain.
I almost think babble is a way to feel closer to my T in an odd way. Every time I feel need for her, I find myself checking babble or looking things up.
Interesting question.
Turtle
Posted by 10derHeart on October 14, 2008, at 23:47:21
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
First thing when I wake up.
Last thing before I go to sleep.
Many, many times throughout the day.He is never, ever far from my mind or heart. Next to my immediate family - and oftentimes it feels - equal to them - he is the most important person on earth for me.
I have running talks with him in my head every day, from mundane things to huge things that leave me crying just imagining sharing them with him for real.
Of course, for me, since I moved away and am not "technically" in therapy any more, these things are surely heightened and intensified. But even for the 3.5 years I saw him 1-2x a week, I still thought of him nearly this often. Also, I am a single person with few friends close to me in my life right now, so I do know everything gets focused on him and only him. He bears up under all that pretty well, I must say. Not that it's *bad* but I just mean it's sort of a large responsibility and something he surely has to give some thought to sometimes, to keep his boundaries and be there for me at the same time. He's pretty darn good at it, somehow. Mutual trust goes a long, long way in all this.
There is so much intimacy and so much love. I am not embarrassed about it. No, I don't share it with others IRL, but that's a general avoidance of sharing *anything* about feelings for a therapist, because I just know they don't/won't get any of it. I don't have any family or friends who have ever been to a therapist.
My T. knows almost everything about it. It comes up in email often and I brought up these feelings and cried rivers of tears about the pain of the attachment for months and months before I moved. He is okay with all of it and treats it honorably and gently. He has never suggested I try to *not* feel that way, or think of him less or anything. He seems to be okay with just letting it be.
well, you did ask! ;-)
JayMac, I'm really enjoying your questions a lot. Keep them coming, please.
Posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 6:41:26
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » JayMac, posted by 10derHeart on October 14, 2008, at 23:47:21
I think about him constantly. The best way to describe it is that I am in a perpetual imaginary dialogue with him. I often wish that he could just follow me around all day and experience every moment of my life with me. This sounds pretty extreme, I guess, but things aren't going well for me lately, I'm far away from all of my close friends, and I need to feel close to somebody. I don't mean to imply that my attachment to him is impersonal, or that *anyone* would do. But I'm sure that the lack of intimacy in the rest of my life has something to do with the enormous importance I attach to him right now.
Posted by Cal on October 15, 2008, at 6:55:09
In reply to Re: How often do you....?, posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 6:41:26
Yes I think about her every day at some point or other. I think this is what we are supposed to to, "use" our T's in this way. No man is an island and to go forward in life we first need to know theres a secure base waiting for us when we come back, as we all need to come "home" and rest at some point in our lifes. The way I think about her has changed, the first fantasys I had about her that kept me afloat have calmed down and the "real" T is more or less the one I think about now, but I can still go into that fantasy where I think me and T are the only people in the whole wide world, much like how a baby must first experience "needing" someone in the womb, that relationship where only baby and mother exist, accept that would all be done with words, now we are fully aware of ourselfs, we tend to feel embarassed at our need to feel just like that baby in the womb again? But can you imagine how bland and cold life would be withhout that special someone that wants nothing from you emotionally and is there just for you? its normal and natural to want these things.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 15, 2008, at 8:07:12
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
I only think of him on days ending with a Y.....(LOL, LOL)
I've been in love with him for almost 5 years. There isn't anything he won't discuss with me....unfortunately, he fights his feelings for me, and that isn't good for me (to self-disclose)...when he says: "If I weren't married, I would probably go for it." What am I supposed to do with that??!!
Hugs, Sassy
t m
Posted by Dinah on October 15, 2008, at 8:26:59
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
I think about all the people I love a lot every day. I carry on imaginary conversations with daddy, who died in 2004, as well as my therapist. I think of my dog who died in 1987 every day too, and often think of another who died more recently. The thoughts bring me comfort and sometimes clarity.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 15, 2008, at 8:46:13
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » JayMac, posted by Dinah on October 15, 2008, at 8:26:59
This is my favorite of all topics!!!
I am constantly wishing I had a friend who was with me all the time my T wasn't just so I could be processing my feelings with my T with someone - all the time. (I suppose that friend would have to be selfless... maybe a therapist too in order to understand... HAHA)
I am really in SO much need and attachment and feelings of LOVE for my T right now it is overwhelming and confusing. I definitely check Babble to try to feel closer to my T (like Turtle) and I think come here because I hope that those of you who are attached and working through your feelings will post things that teach me about why this is so important and how to survive it. (And that often happens).
I'm with 10derHeart on how often - first thing in the morning - my eyes open and there she is in my mind. I can't wait to go to bed at night (or take naps) so I can lay there thinking about her. I fight the sleep just to have more time with her in my head. And any moment throughout the day where I disengage from work or have a moment to myself I go right back there. I'm reading books about therapy too - trying to understand. Or maybe, I'll admit, I'm trying to have some control over what I'm feeling. Like, if I can just figure it out then somehow I won't be blindsided by something later. Somehow maybe I can gain control so I don't end up hurt. And now, with the sexual fantasies, a whole new level of pain and discovery is coming - I can feel it.
Just this week though I may have actually believed, at least for a few days, that she truly cares about me. I'm trying to just take a deep breath and hold onto that.
Posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 9:46:36
In reply to Re: How often do you....?, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 15, 2008, at 8:46:13
> I can't wait to go to bed at night (or take naps) so I can lay there thinking about her. I fight the sleep just to have more time with her in my head.
I do this, too! It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one. I also try to make myself dream about him, and it often works. So I guess that I think about him not only all *day*, but also all night, at least sometimes. I should say, though, that, like Dinah, I think about all of the people I love every day--even people who haven't been (actively) in my life for a long time.
Posted by Phillipa on October 15, 2008, at 12:38:02
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » JayMac, posted by Dinah on October 15, 2008, at 8:26:59
Dinah now you have me thinking of Brandy my baby and Sheeba my other baby others aren't the same . And for T's I think about why I can't find one who wants to help and just not tell me what to do. Love Phillipa
Posted by 10derHeart on October 15, 2008, at 13:36:54
In reply to Re: How often do you....?, posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 6:41:26
Wow! Suedehead, how did you get inside my head?!!
I could have written every single word of this post myself.
Somehow that is *very* comforting to read coming from someone else, and written so honestly and clearly. Thank you.
Posted by JouezMoi on October 15, 2008, at 15:26:28
In reply to Re: How often do you....?, posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 9:46:36
This sounds so much like how 'born again Christians' describe their feelings about Jesus. There is a psychology to it that is similar, that makes one feel unconditionally loved, that makes one feel their continuous presence, that makes one talk to them in their heads (somewhat like praying), that derives comfort, security, .. love.
That is the positive part of the attachment.
Posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 16:29:25
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » Suedehead, posted by 10derHeart on October 15, 2008, at 13:36:54
I'm glad that you could relate! I was struck by your first post, too, especially when you mentioned not sharing any of these feelings with people in real life because they inevitably don't understand. I think that most people in my life would be horrified to know how much I think about my T, so it's nice to know that I can come here, be completely frank about it, and have other people tell me that their experiences are much like mine.
Posted by lucie lu on October 15, 2008, at 17:08:48
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » 10derHeart, posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 16:29:25
> I'm glad that you could relate! I was struck by your first post, too, especially when you mentioned not sharing any of these feelings with people in real life because they inevitably don't understand. I think that most people in my life would be horrified to know how much I think about my T, so it's nice to know that I can come here, be completely frank about it, and have other people tell me that their experiences are much like mine.
Suedehead, you've put your finger on it... the feelings we have for our T's are going to be absolutely incomprehensible to anyone who has never been there! It feels great to have this site, where we can be frank about those feelings and feel understood and supported.
Lucie
Posted by twinleaf on October 15, 2008, at 17:39:25
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » JayMac, posted by 10derHeart on October 14, 2008, at 23:47:21
I am just the same as everyone else- he's just always "there" in my mind. As therapy has gone along, I find that he is more and more "there", so that there is a stronger connection between us during sessions, and it is also easier to go on feeling OK when he's away (right now he has gone to Italy to go sailing with some Italian psychiatrists). The only thing which tends to derail this is when we have a rupture- often these are subtle and hard to detect- but once we find it and repair it, the connection feels even stronger and moire precious than before.
Because I had intensive therapy when I was a teenager, I've had the experience of terminating- and of what happens to one's attachment afterwards. After the first very hard months, I found that I was OK, and that the therapist I had had stayed firmly in my mind (heart, really) from then onwards, and was a sort of internal loving mentor as I went to grad school, married and had children. I did return to see him once but our main contact is through Christmas notes. The memory of him never grew dim or disappeared. It's still there, alongside the new therapist. In my imagination, the two therapists agree on important things, and I feel certain they would like one another if they met!
From everything I've read, from what everyone has written here, as well as from my own experience, I don't think it's possible to overestimate how important this relationship is. It's well worth our while to choose our therapists carefully, since, if all goes well, they will become part of our inner lives for the rest of our lives.
Posted by lucie lu on October 15, 2008, at 17:53:28
In reply to Re: How often do you....?, posted by twinleaf on October 15, 2008, at 17:39:25
> Because I had intensive therapy when I was a teenager, I've had the experience of terminating- and of what happens to one's attachment afterwards. After the first very hard months, I found that I was OK, and that the therapist I had had stayed firmly in my mind (heart, really) from then onwards, and was a sort of internal loving mentor as I went to grad school, married and had children. I did return to see him once but our main contact is through Christmas notes. The memory of him never grew dim or disappeared. It's still there, alongside the new therapist. In my imagination, the two therapists agree on important things, and I feel certain they would like one another if they met!
Twinleaf, thank you so much for writing about this! Like Dinah and others on babble, I fear termination. In session, I can't even say the word without getting tearful. It would seem tragic not to care about him any more and for his memory to fade with time. What you wrote has lifted a great weight from my shoulders. I think I will print it out and look at it often. Your words and observations about your experience are so comforting. I can't wait to share this with him at our next meeting :)
Thank you!
Lucie
Posted by twinleaf on October 15, 2008, at 19:19:50
In reply to thank you for saying that!! » twinleaf, posted by lucie lu on October 15, 2008, at 17:53:28
My first therapist was practicing at a time when there was a much more definite focus on termination than there is now. He and I spent about 18 months at the end of therapy preparing for it. It was very hard work! I really didn't think I could do it, but he said he knew I could. Anyway, I made it- barely at first, but after about eight months on my own I realized that I felt confident and happy, and felt that I was growing and meeting new challenges at least as well as I had begun doing during therapy. Really, I think I accomplished more once I was on my own. He was a wonderful therapist, and we really created a good foundation together.
After a number of good years, the present bout of depression occurred following a lot of losses all at once (mother, father and two younger brothers). This therapist is much more flexible about terminating. He seems to leave it more up to his patients. I'm assuming some stay indefinitely, but some must leave- otherwise how would there be any room in his schedule? I've been with him for a year and a half, and terminating has not come up at all. With this therapist, I hope I can always go - just not nearly as often as I do now (I go three times a week)..
It occurred to me that not very many people have yet written about termination here. There was a very moving description by 10der of hers, especially about how she and her therapist are keeping their bond strong by e-mail and phone. A number of posters have quit going to a particular therapist, but that is quite different - it seems as if they quit because the fit isn't very good, and they aren't getting what they need. And, probably, people who have terminated successfully are not frequenting these boards very often!
Posted by softheprairie on October 15, 2008, at 20:30:16
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
> Just curious:
> How often do you all think about your T? Or maybe you don't think about him/her much. What is your experience with this?
>
> I find myself thinking about her pretty often. I'm sure it's related to my dependency on her and trying to connect to/with her; a transference reaction. I'm embarrassed that I think about her so much.
>
> Have any of you spoken with your T about this issue?
>
> I would love to hear what you guys have to say.
>
> Thanks!!!
>
I've been too embarrassed to bring up in therapy how often I think about him, but I'm grateful for all of the posts to this thread; I don't feel quite as strange now.
Posted by 10derHeart on October 15, 2008, at 21:29:42
In reply to Re: How often do you....? » 10derHeart, posted by Suedehead on October 15, 2008, at 16:29:25
Posted by workinprogress on October 15, 2008, at 22:18:04
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
A whole heck of a lot! And it tormented me for quite some time. Is it ok? Is it good? Am I too dependent? Too needy? Too much? I finally feel... after over a year 1-2 times per week, that I am "settling in" as my T says.
It's been really painful. She encourages me to try to get close to her, to let myself love her, to take her in. But, she always said... trust takes time. Time Time Time.
I wanted to get her out of my head, because it was so painful... so preoccupying. A worm. I don't think the amount I think of her has changed, but I think what's really changed is how I feel about it. I trust her (mostly) now and feel more comfortable. I feel ok with needing her. I don't wonder what she's thinking. Or if she's secretly rolling her eyes when I need her and express that need (email/phone calls).
I think it's great to talk about this here. My fear was always that I was somehow abnormal, that my feelings were wrong or bad, that it was kind of freaky to think of her so much. It's helpful to see others' process and not feel alone. I think it's just part of the process.... and she was oh so patient with it.
WIP
Posted by JayMac on October 16, 2008, at 9:54:13
In reply to Re: How often do you....?, posted by workinprogress on October 15, 2008, at 22:18:04
I'm loving all your responses!!! You all have definitely helped me to come to grips with this issue. In fact, I may even feel safe enough to speak about it with her because now I don't feel so ashamed of myself.
Thanks for all the responses! If you are so inclined, keep them coming!Jay
Posted by Morgan79 on October 20, 2008, at 0:50:31
In reply to How often do you....?, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 22:27:25
I think of him when i first wake up and before I go to sleep. I terminated therapy two weeks ago, and miss him more than words can describe. He is hurting too.
~Morgan
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