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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 13 to 37 of 37. Go back in thread:
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:07:31
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
TG,
There's little that I can add to all the other great posts but I really feel for you and can empathize. The disappointment must have been really hard to take. It probably felt unfair that all your efforts "to be good" during her absence went unrewarded. Well, you have been very good! It's not your fault that you didn't get the reward you deserved and not suprising that you feel angry and upset at her and at the situation. How she handled her end, whether she has a good reason or not, doesn't take away any of those things about you and your feelings.
Having said that... There really can be something to be learned (as muffy suggested); it might eventually help your self-esteem and be a growth experience for you to see yourself as being resilient and resourceful. And when you get together again, both you and she will be proud of you - even if you remain angry or upset at her, maybe how she handled it. That's perfectly understandable and I'm sure she will make room for those feelings upon her return.
I also think maybe that even a brief phone call might help, letting her know how you feel and that even though you will last the extra weeks, it will be very hard. Maybe you can present the call as, can the two of you talk about what might make it easier for you to get through the interim? You wouldn't have to feel bad, like "the only patient who had to call," because your request would be in the service of trying to help yourself - what T would not see and appreciate this as evidence of your growth and increasing resilience and resourcefulness?
Investigating a back-up support, as Daisy suggested, might be very useful. Being able to find and utilize other people when we are neediest is a life skill, one that therapy tries to teach us. And on a practical level, having that additional support can always remain a back-up resource even after your T gets back. So practical as well.
These things, by making you feel there are things you can do, might help to counter feelings of helplessness and abandonment that you might be experiencing from her latest absence.
((((((((((((TG)))))))))))))
Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:20:55
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:53:37
Sorry for my duplicate posts.
> There's no interim T. Her voice mail says NOT to leave her messages and that if we are having issues, we can call the receptionist (who is extremely parttime, btw) to be put in touch with some random T. Not okay and not cool. To not have one person available?????????????
WTF is that about?? The underlying message to me is, "I'm worried about myself and I couldn't be bothered to find one person to fill in for me as needed. You can all f*ck yourselves."
>
> Really, really not cool.TG- You know, it is possible that what she may be doing is offering a possible chain of contact. Her general phone message will be received not only by patients but also the outer world - referrals, consultation requests etc. So she has to be discouraging left messages under the circumstances. And answering machines fill up quickly if you're not checking things daily. But she may have set up a link: receptionist to a "random" therapist (how do you know he/she is random?) - that may allow a way for a patient who's having real difficulty to get a message to her. Even a random therapist would probably try to reach her if they thought it necessary.
I don't want to unnecessarily raise hopes - it may be none of these - and I wish that she had left a clearer back-up T referral. That does seem surprising. But I wonder if this other route might be a possible way after all to getting a message to her, even one that is communicated through third parties. Might be worth a try.
Lucie
Posted by Dinah on September 28, 2008, at 16:12:44
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
I'm so sorry, Therapygirl.
I know how it is with me. If my therapist goes away, I might seem to be ok. But I've really shut off part of me, and as the day approaches for his return, that starts to surface in the expectation that it's safe to do so. That that need will soon be met.
If that day were to be postponed, when the emotions had already started to surface, it would be really hard to put it away again.
I agree with the others that she should have a better plan in place for dealing with her absence - especially since she's planning to retire soon.
It won't help in the short term, but given everything that's going on, maybe it's a good idea to call her, tell her how hard this is for you, and that even though you want to see her you also want the names of some therapists she thinks you'll get along well with. And maybe she should fill them in on you. I did that with my therapist. He hasn't gone through with it since he's not planning to abandon me at the moment. But I need to follow through myself, since he's not the most stable person in the world.
I know you said that you weren't planning to have a therapist after yours retired. Is that still your plan, after this experience?
I am so very sorry. I feel sorry for her too, of course. I know she didn't mean to do this. But I've found with my therapist that no matter how much he genuinely values me and is fond of me, when his own life is in turmoil I'm going to slip way down the priority scale. Not because he doesn't care, but because he's reeling and flailing and trying to save himself.
I suppose this does give me a slightly new appreciation for lousy therapy with my therapist when he's not at his best. Making himself unavailable to me while he's working out his own issues puts forward a whole new set of problems. At least I knew what was going on, I suppose.
((((Therapygirl))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:08:04
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by Cal on September 28, 2008, at 9:39:28
Thanks, Cal. Hugs are especially helpful because, in my T's absence, the only hugs I get are from my little man. You had no way of knowing that, of course, but you provided the perfect thing.
Thanks.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:12:13
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by Nadezda on September 28, 2008, at 10:27:36
Thank you so much, Nadezda. You can't imagine how helpful your words have been -- to get me out of this rut of passivity and help me see that perhaps my request is not unreasonable. The worst she can do is say no, right? And I don't lose anything by asking. Thanks for pointing out that this does not make me a failure.
I will say, on her behalf, that she has been through an extraordinarily hard time. And I am sympathetic about that and worried about her. I just wasn't prepared for her to be so unavailable for so long.
I didn't call her today because I'm afraid of what I might say (because I'm angry). Maybe a note in the mail tomorrow, which she should receive by Tuesday, is the way to go. That feels less intrusive than calling her at home, when it may or may not be an okay time. At least a note would give her the choice of when to deal with me, right?
I'll keep you posted. I do so appreciate your words of wisdom and your support. It's so great to have this place to come where people understand how devastating this is for me.
Posted by muffled on September 28, 2008, at 19:12:22
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » Cal, posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:08:04
I'm hugging TG too!!!!
(((((((therapy girl))))))))))))
Hope you feeling mebbe slightly more settled
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:16:08
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:20:55
You make great points in both of your posts, Lucie. Wording the request in such a way that she understands this is to help me make it through the additional time makes it more bearable for me (and maybe for her, too). And you may be right about the phone message. I still don't think I can bring myself to call and tell the receptionist that I'm having trouble and take my chances on who might call me back. It would be worth it if there was anyone else who would know just what to say, but all that knowledge lies with her and her alone.
I'm definitely going to get in touch with her one way or another -- maybe via mail. I'll let you know if I get any response.
Thanks for the support.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:21:54
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2008, at 16:12:44
Yes, I think you're right. My emotions have been slowly coming back because I knew it was safe again. And now it's not.
She didn't offer a backup T this time, although I have no idea if that's because she was too overwhelmed or because she thought I'd turn it down. We have had those conversations in the past, as you remember, and I haven't really changed my position on that. I may have to, though, if her plan is to move to the other end of the state from here when she retires.
And you're also right that she didn't mean to do this. I suspect, even, that she didn't realize until late in the week last week that she couldn't come back next week. It would have been better for me, though, if she had made that decision weeks ago.
I do feel bad for her and it feels a little like I'm saying this is all about me and I know it's not, but... There's always a but.
And it also hurts me a little that I can't be one of the people who comforts her, even though I know I can't. As close as we are, she remains the T and I remain the client. It just sucks.
I think I would take lousy therapy right now as opposed to no contact, too. I thought about calling and saying, I just need to see you and get a hug. You don't have to interact with me. But probably it doesn't work that way, either.
Sigh.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 20:51:52
In reply to OK get outta the way...., posted by muffled on September 28, 2008, at 19:12:22
Oh, Muffled. I know how hard that is for you and it means more to me than I can say.
You are a total sweetheart.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 20:53:17
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by JoniS on September 27, 2008, at 21:56:23
Joni, I did reply to your post, but somehow didn't check the box to show your name. I just noticed that. My response is WAY up there somewhere, after my response to Daisy, I think.
Sorry. I appreciate your support.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 29, 2008, at 21:26:04
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
Dear T:
I got your note yesterday and Im sorry things are so hard for you. I continue to send thoughts & prayers your way.
I have generally handled the separation from you well. I did not realize until reading your note, though, how much I was counting on being able to see you this Thursday. At the risk of disappointing you and myself, I appear to be all coped out. There is tension, again, with Ex; progress on the house is slow and the upheaval and dirt are making me crazier than normal; the annual meeting, which is next weekend, is a MESS; Im supposed to make a 10-minute presentation in front of 80 (mostly) strangers that has me terrified; and new crush has been MIA more often than not.
All of this pales in comparison to what youre going through and Im trying hard not to be a baby about this, but is there anyway I could have at least a phone conversation with you before Sunday, Oct. 5?
I am usually in the car from 8:10-8:40 and 4:45 and 5:30 p.m. every day. I should also be home in the evenings. If those times dont work, Ill make anytime that suits you work on my end. I will also get over myself if you just cant do it. If thats the case, though, please leave me a message on the home answering machine so I wont be waiting for your call. I have the volume turned down, so the workers wont hear it even if theyre here.
I miss you.
Love,
TG
Posted by lucie lu on September 30, 2008, at 8:26:04
In reply to Re: I sent her this note, posted by TherapyGirl on September 29, 2008, at 21:26:04
Posted by muffled on September 30, 2008, at 9:38:54
In reply to TG, great note! (((((((((TG))))))))) (nm) » TherapyGirl, posted by lucie lu on September 30, 2008, at 8:26:04
Ya thats real nice TG.
Whats the turn around time?
When might hse get it?
Does she check her mail regularly?
How long will you wait until you phone and see if she's got it if she don't reply?
Just myself, I like to have an idea of thses things, I like to have a plan.
Its a well written note.
Take good care,
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 30, 2008, at 18:15:44
In reply to Re: TG, great note! (((((((((TG))))))))), posted by muffled on September 30, 2008, at 9:38:54
Yeah, me too. She should get it no later than tomorrow and I think there's a decent chance she would have gotten it today. I will probably try to call her Friday or Saturday if I haven't heard anything. She may be out of town, though, visiting her granddaughter. But I really hope not.
I went for a long walk tonight and that helped some, although my joints and muscles hurt more now because of a thyroid thing. But I'm going to try to make myself do it. My body is in knots from the stress.
Thanks again for the support, Muffled. It means a lot to me.
How are things for you?
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 30, 2008, at 18:16:14
In reply to TG, great note! (((((((((TG))))))))) (nm) » TherapyGirl, posted by lucie lu on September 30, 2008, at 8:26:04
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2008, at 11:24:55
In reply to Re: I sent her this note, posted by TherapyGirl on September 29, 2008, at 21:26:04
That was a very mature and reasonable note. I can assure you that my response to my therapist under similar circumstances was nowhere near that mature or reasonable.
I hope she's able to respond in a therapeutic way.
Dinah
Posted by Nadezda on October 1, 2008, at 12:29:44
In reply to Re: I sent her this note, posted by TherapyGirl on September 29, 2008, at 21:26:04
That's such a very caring, competent-sounding note. I could never send anything half so reasonable and thoughtful to my T, under similar circumstances.
You're much much too hard on yourself. --and your T's awfully lucky to have a patient as aware of her(your T's) situation and also as able to say, "I've done well, but I need help now" rather than collapsing in a heap on her doorstep.
I hope you've heard from her and been able to schedule a conversation.
Nadezda
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 1, 2008, at 17:12:12
In reply to Re: I sent her this note » TherapyGirl, posted by Nadezda on October 1, 2008, at 12:29:44
My T called a little while ago and it was good. She wasn't upset at all and said she's "easing back into things." She doesn't feel ready for face-to-face sessions, but she said I could call her in the next couple of weeks if I need to. That does a lot for my anxiety level and she also talked me through the self-talk stuff and made some other suggestions about getting my anxiety down. And she completely understood why I was so upset to not have the session this week.
So I think the worst part of this (for me) is over.
And trust me, I didn't react as well as in that letter Saturday night. The only difference is before I would have called her Sat. night and blessed her out. :-)
Thanks for the support, all of you!
Posted by lucie lu on October 2, 2008, at 2:42:03
In reply to Re: Thanks, Dinah + Nadezda -- SHE CALLED!, posted by TherapyGirl on October 1, 2008, at 17:12:12
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2008, at 12:38:00
In reply to Re: Thanks, Dinah + Nadezda -- SHE CALLED!, posted by TherapyGirl on October 1, 2008, at 17:12:12
Posted by Nadezda on October 3, 2008, at 13:14:28
In reply to Re: Thanks, Dinah + Nadezda -- SHE CALLED!, posted by TherapyGirl on October 1, 2008, at 17:12:12
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2008, at 13:31:59
In reply to Re: Thanks, Dinah + Nadezda -- SHE CALLED!, posted by TherapyGirl on October 1, 2008, at 17:12:12
Thats GREAT TG!!!
I hope you DO call her to touch base before your first appt, just to sort of reconnect, even a bit.
Has you session been booked? Is it likely to be takenb away again?
I would call and check that too.
Take care,
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 3, 2008, at 18:28:53
In reply to SHE CALLED!, posted by muffled on October 3, 2008, at 13:31:59
Thanks, Muffly.
Yes, we have it booked for a week from Thursday at our regular time. I am less concerned about her postponing it again after talking to her, but I guess it still could happen. She completely understood why that was so hard for me, though, so I don't think she'll do that again unless she has to.
Now if I can get through my company's meeting on Sunday and Monday and my short presentation, I think the rest will be easy.
Thanks again for all the support. You rock.
Posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2008, at 9:56:51
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
Hang in there! You're going to make it.
antigua
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 4, 2008, at 18:15:41
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2008, at 9:56:51
Thanks, Antigua. I think I am.
Thanks for all your support. You really helped me through this.
This is the end of the thread.
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