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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 37. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
I have not seen my T in 6.5 weeks. I was in the countdown on the number of days until I saw her again (next Thursday). And then I got home tonight and had a card from her. I thought, "How nice. T has sent me a thank you note." Then I read it. She did thank me for my support and then said she can't come back yet. She won't be back until the middle of October. NINE WEEKS TOTAL.
I thought I was doing fine until I got that note. Now I'm pissed, anxious, sad and hysterical. I didn't realize how much, in the last week, I've been hanging by a thread just waiting for her to get back. I've been stressed out of my mind -- a fight with the ex last weekend, lots of stress at new job that I feel barely qualified for, annual meeting for new job next weekend (after, I thought, I had been able to spend an hour with T), and, oh yeah, my house is in complete disarray from the renovation work I'm having done.
She asks in the note if I can meet at our regular time in the middle of October and then says, "Leave me a voicemail, drop me a note, or, if you need to, call the house." The implication seems to me to be to call or write her to confirm the appointment time, NOT to touch base.
But I'm all coped out. Seriously.
So what do I do? Call and beg her to see me? Call and hope that a phone conversation is enough to get me through? Call and leave her a voicemail to f*ck herself for handling this via mail instead of calling me to discuss it?
I feel like I did everything right and I'm still being punished. And yet she's saying she can't come back yet, that she's not ready to interact.
I hate my life.
Posted by lemonaide on September 27, 2008, at 20:21:10
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
Wow, this must be so fricken hard. I think it would be okay to call and let her know how much you are struggling with this. Do you think she would at least talk to you a bit where it might at least help some until then? I would be honest with her and just say you need a little support right now.
I am glad to see she is taking care of herself, before she is going to see her clients, I forget why she is not well, but in the end it is better for you to have her well than half way there therapist.
((((take care))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 20:41:23
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by lemonaide on September 27, 2008, at 20:21:10
Thanks. I know if she's saying she needs the extra time, she needs it. But I am completely falling apart. I think you're right and that I should call her. Maybe tomorrow.
Tonight, medicating myself to oblivion.
Thanks for the support. It means more to me than you know because I know you understand.
Posted by JoniS on September 27, 2008, at 21:56:23
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
TG,
sorry for your pain - I know how you feel! My T went on Sabatical for 15 weeks. (He came back in April) I was soooo depressed. Before he left he knew it would be hard for me and he said that he would see me a time or two during his sabatical, to call him after the holidays. but of course, I didn't call him, I didnt want to be the one patient that "had" do see him while he was supposed to be taking a break. I did email once or twice and i also mailed notes that were more like journals- pages describing how I feel that didn't ask for a reply.
I know how hard it is, but somehow, you make it. I guess that now I am actually a little mad, a little hurt about the whole therapy process and how it feels so one-sided, leaves me wanting more. I'm seriously considering quitting, but I'm in about the worst place in my life right now so quitting might not be the best idea.sorry to go on for so long about me. I think it's ok if you call your T. leave a her a voicemail and let her know this is really hard for you and could she see you sooner. You do take the risk of not getting the response you want, but you would be doing a healthy thing in taking care of yourself!
Try to do some things to take care of yourself, and even tell yourself how well you have been handling yourself in light of this temporary "abandonment".
Good luck with this, you CAN handle it! Take good care of yourself!
Joni
Posted by Daisym on September 28, 2008, at 0:22:22
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by JoniS on September 27, 2008, at 21:56:23
This really, really stinks. I can't help but think she must really be struggling herself to need two more weeks.
Perhaps, saying this very gently, it is time to begin to think of additional supports - like a group. I seem to remember that she is going to retire soon (the next year?) and you are going to need to transition to more help and support. It really does seem like things are falling apart all around you.
I think the disappointment is likely the last straw. You were holding it together but there was an end point. Now that this has been extended, you feel like you must break or explode. I believe you won't but perhaps a phone conversation will give you the boost you need and the reassurance that she really is going to come back.
I wish there was more I could do for support. Hang in there.
Posted by muffled on September 28, 2008, at 0:49:37
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
Sorry TG that there's another delay. After all the anticipation, this must be a blow :(
Like someone said, she must be really struggling herself if she is choosing to take more time. So I guess its good she is taking care of herself so she can be ready to work when she is back.
I think it might be good to call her to touch base.
I think maybe once this horrible dissapointment is absorbed, mebbe it might be a little easier to tolerate?
Can you do all the best self soothing things you can think of?
Do what you need to do to get thru?
I hope if you call T that she is able to reassure you some.
Is there an interim T you can see in meantime, just to kinda defuse/debrief etc? mebbe yur t could recommend someone?
Hope you feel a bit better soon.
Wishing you good moments,
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:45:48
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by JoniS on September 27, 2008, at 21:56:23
Wow. 15 weeks. I'm not I could do it, since I'm having a breakdown pre-7 weeks.
And you nailed it on the whole I don't want to be the one patient who can't do this thing. Plus, she is so very proud of me for taking this so well. And I did until this week. I don't want to disappoint her and yet I think I might die if I try to get through this additional time without her. And I'm furious that she waited so long to tell me and then did it the coward way.
Too many feelings for me to handle at one time by myself. But you are right -- I have to. So I'll have to figure out something. Some way to take care of myself.
For the first time in years, I'm thinking of the hospital with fondness. And I hate that place.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:49:54
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by Daisym on September 28, 2008, at 0:22:22
As usual, you nailed it Daisy. I do feel ready to explode. Or curl up in a ball in a dark corner and just disappear.
You are also right that now I fear she is not coming back. Or that I can't trust her to come back in two weeks. I won't believe that she's back until I actually see her because she waited so long to tell me this time.
And her letter included some information about her granddaughter and where she lives now that I didn't previously have. Her granddaughter used to live in this area, but has apparently moved across the state. That makes me think she will be moving there after retirement. And that's not what we've talked about in terms of keeping in touch.
I'm really just so done -- angry, hurt, sad and, somehow, worried about her.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:53:37
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by muffled on September 28, 2008, at 0:49:37
You are a good friend, Muffly. I'm going to try to get it together enough to self sooth sometime today. Right now, I can't stop crying long enough to do anything else.
I hate this.
There's no interim T. Her voice mail says NOT to leave her messages and that if we are having issues, we can call the receptionist (who is extremely parttime, btw) to be put in touch with some random T. Not okay and not cool. To not have one person available????????????? WTF is that about?? The underlying message to me is, "I'm worried about myself and I couldn't be bothered to find one person to fill in for me as needed. You can all f*ck yourselves."
Really, really not cool.
Posted by Cal on September 28, 2008, at 9:39:28
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:53:37
((Therapygirl))
Posted by Nadezda on September 28, 2008, at 10:27:36
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:53:37
Hi, Therapygirl.
I can really understand your anger and hurt at your T. She must have both real life and internal issues to cause her to act so abruptly and with apparent disregard for her patients' needs. Under the circumstances (her initial abrupt departure with little notice and her second, abrupt delay in her return), she really needed to do more to reassure you and others, and to provide a referral, if you needed another T to get through the original break or, now, in the prolongation.
I do think maybe what you need to do is be more assertive in your own behalf. She left no referral-- but you need someone to talk to ASAP. And you aren't even secure that she'll be back at the end of the two weeks-- even more reason to ask, directly, for a referral, for next few weeks. I also think a phone session or two would be in order. If your T isn't in the emotional condition to do that, there could be a deeper problem that might last. Then I would be very concerned for your well being. I don't mean to say that she won't be fine-- but I do think the phone sessions, which my and other Ts do regularly, would help you through this time.
Even though it's hard to act-- maybe to "impose" on your T's time-- you definitely both deserve and need to do something to take care of yourself.
Can't you drop her a note or send an email asking for the sessions or the referral (or both)? And request that she get back to you right away. If she is incommunicado, that is really a problem that may need to be addressed further.
Try not to let things drift into hopelessness and passivity, though, Therapygirl; I really think you can do a lot to make this bearable. It's just great, by the way, that you handled such a long, unanticipated break so well. I don't think anyone should be disappointed in you-- or expect you to do more. It's a real accomplishment in itself.
Nadezda
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:07:22
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
TG,
There's little that I can add to all the other great posts but I really feel for you and can empathize. The disappointment must have been really hard to take. It probably felt unfair that all your efforts "to be good" during her absence went unrewarded. Well, you have been very good! It's not your fault that you didn't get the reward you deserved and not suprising that you feel angry and upset at her and at the situation. How she handled her end, whether she has a good reason or not, doesn't take away any of those things about you and your feelings.
Having said that... There really can be something to be learned (as muffy suggested); it might eventually help your self-esteem and be a growth experience for you to see yourself as being resilient and resourceful. And when you get together again, both you and she will be proud of you - even if you remain angry or upset at her, maybe how she handled it. That's perfectly understandable and I'm sure she will make room for those feelings upon her return.
I also think maybe that even a brief phone call might help, letting her know how you feel and that even though you will last the extra weeks, it will be very hard. Maybe you can present the call as, can the two of you talk about what might make it easier for you to get through the interim? You wouldn't have to feel bad, like "the only patient who had to call," because your request would be in the service of trying to help yourself - what T would not see and appreciate this as evidence of your growth and increasing resilience and resourcefulness?
Investigating a back-up support, as Daisy suggested, might be very useful. Being able to find and utilize other people when we are neediest is a life skill, one that therapy tries to teach us. And on a practical level, having that additional support can always remain a back-up resource even after your T gets back. So practical as well.
These things, by making you feel there are things you can do, might help to counter feelings of helplessness and abandonment that you might be experiencing from her latest absence.
((((((((((((TG)))))))))))))
Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:07:31
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
TG,
There's little that I can add to all the other great posts but I really feel for you and can empathize. The disappointment must have been really hard to take. It probably felt unfair that all your efforts "to be good" during her absence went unrewarded. Well, you have been very good! It's not your fault that you didn't get the reward you deserved and not suprising that you feel angry and upset at her and at the situation. How she handled her end, whether she has a good reason or not, doesn't take away any of those things about you and your feelings.
Having said that... There really can be something to be learned (as muffy suggested); it might eventually help your self-esteem and be a growth experience for you to see yourself as being resilient and resourceful. And when you get together again, both you and she will be proud of you - even if you remain angry or upset at her, maybe how she handled it. That's perfectly understandable and I'm sure she will make room for those feelings upon her return.
I also think maybe that even a brief phone call might help, letting her know how you feel and that even though you will last the extra weeks, it will be very hard. Maybe you can present the call as, can the two of you talk about what might make it easier for you to get through the interim? You wouldn't have to feel bad, like "the only patient who had to call," because your request would be in the service of trying to help yourself - what T would not see and appreciate this as evidence of your growth and increasing resilience and resourcefulness?
Investigating a back-up support, as Daisy suggested, might be very useful. Being able to find and utilize other people when we are neediest is a life skill, one that therapy tries to teach us. And on a practical level, having that additional support can always remain a back-up resource even after your T gets back. So practical as well.
These things, by making you feel there are things you can do, might help to counter feelings of helplessness and abandonment that you might be experiencing from her latest absence.
((((((((((((TG)))))))))))))
Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:20:55
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 8:53:37
Sorry for my duplicate posts.
> There's no interim T. Her voice mail says NOT to leave her messages and that if we are having issues, we can call the receptionist (who is extremely parttime, btw) to be put in touch with some random T. Not okay and not cool. To not have one person available?????????????
WTF is that about?? The underlying message to me is, "I'm worried about myself and I couldn't be bothered to find one person to fill in for me as needed. You can all f*ck yourselves."
>
> Really, really not cool.TG- You know, it is possible that what she may be doing is offering a possible chain of contact. Her general phone message will be received not only by patients but also the outer world - referrals, consultation requests etc. So she has to be discouraging left messages under the circumstances. And answering machines fill up quickly if you're not checking things daily. But she may have set up a link: receptionist to a "random" therapist (how do you know he/she is random?) - that may allow a way for a patient who's having real difficulty to get a message to her. Even a random therapist would probably try to reach her if they thought it necessary.
I don't want to unnecessarily raise hopes - it may be none of these - and I wish that she had left a clearer back-up T referral. That does seem surprising. But I wonder if this other route might be a possible way after all to getting a message to her, even one that is communicated through third parties. Might be worth a try.
Lucie
Posted by Dinah on September 28, 2008, at 16:12:44
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
I'm so sorry, Therapygirl.
I know how it is with me. If my therapist goes away, I might seem to be ok. But I've really shut off part of me, and as the day approaches for his return, that starts to surface in the expectation that it's safe to do so. That that need will soon be met.
If that day were to be postponed, when the emotions had already started to surface, it would be really hard to put it away again.
I agree with the others that she should have a better plan in place for dealing with her absence - especially since she's planning to retire soon.
It won't help in the short term, but given everything that's going on, maybe it's a good idea to call her, tell her how hard this is for you, and that even though you want to see her you also want the names of some therapists she thinks you'll get along well with. And maybe she should fill them in on you. I did that with my therapist. He hasn't gone through with it since he's not planning to abandon me at the moment. But I need to follow through myself, since he's not the most stable person in the world.
I know you said that you weren't planning to have a therapist after yours retired. Is that still your plan, after this experience?
I am so very sorry. I feel sorry for her too, of course. I know she didn't mean to do this. But I've found with my therapist that no matter how much he genuinely values me and is fond of me, when his own life is in turmoil I'm going to slip way down the priority scale. Not because he doesn't care, but because he's reeling and flailing and trying to save himself.
I suppose this does give me a slightly new appreciation for lousy therapy with my therapist when he's not at his best. Making himself unavailable to me while he's working out his own issues puts forward a whole new set of problems. At least I knew what was going on, I suppose.
((((Therapygirl))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:08:04
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by Cal on September 28, 2008, at 9:39:28
Thanks, Cal. Hugs are especially helpful because, in my T's absence, the only hugs I get are from my little man. You had no way of knowing that, of course, but you provided the perfect thing.
Thanks.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:12:13
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by Nadezda on September 28, 2008, at 10:27:36
Thank you so much, Nadezda. You can't imagine how helpful your words have been -- to get me out of this rut of passivity and help me see that perhaps my request is not unreasonable. The worst she can do is say no, right? And I don't lose anything by asking. Thanks for pointing out that this does not make me a failure.
I will say, on her behalf, that she has been through an extraordinarily hard time. And I am sympathetic about that and worried about her. I just wasn't prepared for her to be so unavailable for so long.
I didn't call her today because I'm afraid of what I might say (because I'm angry). Maybe a note in the mail tomorrow, which she should receive by Tuesday, is the way to go. That feels less intrusive than calling her at home, when it may or may not be an okay time. At least a note would give her the choice of when to deal with me, right?
I'll keep you posted. I do so appreciate your words of wisdom and your support. It's so great to have this place to come where people understand how devastating this is for me.
Posted by muffled on September 28, 2008, at 19:12:22
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » Cal, posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:08:04
I'm hugging TG too!!!!
(((((((therapy girl))))))))))))
Hope you feeling mebbe slightly more settled
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:16:08
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 12:20:55
You make great points in both of your posts, Lucie. Wording the request in such a way that she understands this is to help me make it through the additional time makes it more bearable for me (and maybe for her, too). And you may be right about the phone message. I still don't think I can bring myself to call and tell the receptionist that I'm having trouble and take my chances on who might call me back. It would be worth it if there was anyone else who would know just what to say, but all that knowledge lies with her and her alone.
I'm definitely going to get in touch with her one way or another -- maybe via mail. I'll let you know if I get any response.
Thanks for the support.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 19:21:54
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2008, at 16:12:44
Yes, I think you're right. My emotions have been slowly coming back because I knew it was safe again. And now it's not.
She didn't offer a backup T this time, although I have no idea if that's because she was too overwhelmed or because she thought I'd turn it down. We have had those conversations in the past, as you remember, and I haven't really changed my position on that. I may have to, though, if her plan is to move to the other end of the state from here when she retires.
And you're also right that she didn't mean to do this. I suspect, even, that she didn't realize until late in the week last week that she couldn't come back next week. It would have been better for me, though, if she had made that decision weeks ago.
I do feel bad for her and it feels a little like I'm saying this is all about me and I know it's not, but... There's always a but.
And it also hurts me a little that I can't be one of the people who comforts her, even though I know I can't. As close as we are, she remains the T and I remain the client. It just sucks.
I think I would take lousy therapy right now as opposed to no contact, too. I thought about calling and saying, I just need to see you and get a hug. You don't have to interact with me. But probably it doesn't work that way, either.
Sigh.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 20:51:52
In reply to OK get outta the way...., posted by muffled on September 28, 2008, at 19:12:22
Oh, Muffled. I know how hard that is for you and it means more to me than I can say.
You are a total sweetheart.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 28, 2008, at 20:53:17
In reply to Re: My T is going to be out another 2 weeks » TherapyGirl, posted by JoniS on September 27, 2008, at 21:56:23
Joni, I did reply to your post, but somehow didn't check the box to show your name. I just noticed that. My response is WAY up there somewhere, after my response to Daisy, I think.
Sorry. I appreciate your support.
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 29, 2008, at 21:26:04
In reply to My T is going to be out another 2 weeks, posted by TherapyGirl on September 27, 2008, at 19:46:27
Dear T:
I got your note yesterday and Im sorry things are so hard for you. I continue to send thoughts & prayers your way.
I have generally handled the separation from you well. I did not realize until reading your note, though, how much I was counting on being able to see you this Thursday. At the risk of disappointing you and myself, I appear to be all coped out. There is tension, again, with Ex; progress on the house is slow and the upheaval and dirt are making me crazier than normal; the annual meeting, which is next weekend, is a MESS; Im supposed to make a 10-minute presentation in front of 80 (mostly) strangers that has me terrified; and new crush has been MIA more often than not.
All of this pales in comparison to what youre going through and Im trying hard not to be a baby about this, but is there anyway I could have at least a phone conversation with you before Sunday, Oct. 5?
I am usually in the car from 8:10-8:40 and 4:45 and 5:30 p.m. every day. I should also be home in the evenings. If those times dont work, Ill make anytime that suits you work on my end. I will also get over myself if you just cant do it. If thats the case, though, please leave me a message on the home answering machine so I wont be waiting for your call. I have the volume turned down, so the workers wont hear it even if theyre here.
I miss you.
Love,
TG
Posted by lucie lu on September 30, 2008, at 8:26:04
In reply to Re: I sent her this note, posted by TherapyGirl on September 29, 2008, at 21:26:04
Posted by muffled on September 30, 2008, at 9:38:54
In reply to TG, great note! (((((((((TG))))))))) (nm) » TherapyGirl, posted by lucie lu on September 30, 2008, at 8:26:04
Ya thats real nice TG.
Whats the turn around time?
When might hse get it?
Does she check her mail regularly?
How long will you wait until you phone and see if she's got it if she don't reply?
Just myself, I like to have an idea of thses things, I like to have a plan.
Its a well written note.
Take good care,
M
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