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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
Many years ago, I was seeing a therapist whom I fell in love with. It was major Transference, I suppose. I say that because I wouldn't trust myself not to love him, I think that will be there as long as I have an idealized version of who he is, in my head. And I always will as long as his silent withdrawal remains, and it will.
It's supposed to. According to good therapy I suppose, good therapy after bad. Because I did get bad therapy, I didn't get any therapy,I got bad therapy, very bad therapy in the end, because I was cut off when my transference got Erotic. I didn't know that's what was happening, but it was.
And he had allowed me to talk to him to say things I couldn't say in person, on the telephone. He had said it was okay to call between sessions to talk to the answering machine. And I did it and I got Addicted to doing it at the same time I was becoming addicted to pot, marihuana, which I told him about but which was only discussed to the extent that he asked me wouldn't it be good if I could find a way where I could feel the effects of smoking pot, without actually smoking pot. And suddenly I started using the telephone.
Only I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know how big of a relief it would be to spill my guts to a telephone (my job with the police had been wiretaps, darling, for many many years I listened to others spill theirs and it was Wonderful, in its' way, and awful too, terrible and horrible other things)...
but I did it, it was wonderful, Wonderful he was the first person and the first male who ever seemed to listen or care what I said and I felt good and I felt sexy and alive, Alive I tell you.
I could not give that up until he forced me to, until he wrote me letter after letter saying do not call do not come into my office do not write me letters.
And now I am starting DBT and I there is no point, absolutely no point to my life because I am still smoking pot trying to understand the meaning of why I did what I did when I did it,
and nothing makes sense anymore,
and I am Not Loved,
not even cared for a little bit,
and I am dying inside, my lungs blackened by my spirit,
my spirit chained by a drug,
the drug itself the only free thing.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.Help me be free.
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:19:55
In reply to The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
And I am still telephoning his office from time to time, leaving the odd message here and there, especially when I feel suicidal, God I wish I didn't know what that really meant, but I do and I don't have to be doing it to feel it. That is my whole problem, the essence of my problem in this life, is that I can feel anything and I do.
F*ck it.
F*ck the whole damn thing. Because now I have to tell someone else, maybe a whole lot of people, I don't know, I have to reveal that I am still Doing It, still making calls now and then, still posting, still writing, Writing about the hell of it all, the hell I am living being Forced into living this day, and the heartlessness of some people, therapists included I don't care how it sounds. It just is.
Posted by B2chica on August 28, 2008, at 12:23:24
In reply to The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
(((((((((((((susan)))))))))))))
i'm sorry you are hurting so much. i can feel it in your writing.
i wish i could take it all away, but only you can my dear. and you will. you will work through it, figure out why you put so much of yourself to that man and why it meant so much. and why taking him away, meant taking away your freedom of expression. because you know it didn't really. you can still express freely, just with others, in other ways.
and as for pot, it is not freeing you, it is just an illusion my dear.
albiet a nice one i'm sure. but only that.take it for now, but remember do not put all your hopes into it for it will return nothing.
can you express artistically? draw, write, paint? something tells me you would be good as writing.
and just take the rest all in as you can. one day at a time.
take care.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on August 28, 2008, at 12:35:49
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:19:55
no, that's not the problem (of feeling anything) that's the symptom....we need to learn how to accept it and deal with these feelings. how can we take them in.
1.stand back from them. take them in without attaching yourself, let them flow through you.
2.understand what they are. anger, sadness, pain.
3.express them in a way that is productive, tell someone, draw paint, exercise, yell at a team sport, cry at a movie.
4.understand that these emotions WILL come and GO. they ARE NOT PERMANANT. even if it feels like it.
************************
i think DBT will REALLY help you with these feelings. i went through it and it didn't really help me at the time, but it has helped me lately. especially emotion regulation section. really take it in.
************************
untill then
next time you call his office tell him, you know you are not supposed to call anymore, that your working on it, but for now you just need to do it.personally? what's the huge deal. don't bash yourself because you make a phone call now and again to his office even though you've been "told not too". if you needed to, you needed to.
you didn't threaten him, you didn't ask for anything in return...just a message. maybe even just to hear his voice on the machine...what does that hurt.
and your working on it. rome wasn't built in a day ya know.and YOU POST HERE TO YOUR HEARTS CONTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
over and over and over if that's what it takes.h@ll i'm still posting about the same thing that i was a few years ago, and i don't hear anyone b@tching. people understand, you need to go over stuff over and over again to get through things. they dont just get gone on their own.
...now, sorry i went on my soapbox.
but you are a nice person.
you shouldn't be so dang hard on yourself.
it all takes time.time...long, short, hellish, forever,
time...its this amazing concept that everyone understands and when it comes to people, no one has enough of.take care
b2c.> And I am still telephoning his office from time to time, leaving the odd message here and there, especially when I feel suicidal, God I wish I didn't know what that really meant, but I do and I don't have to be doing it to feel it. That is my whole problem, the essence of my problem in this life, is that I can feel anything and I do.
> F*ck it.
> F*ck the whole damn thing. Because now I have to tell someone else, maybe a whole lot of people, I don't know, I have to reveal that I am still Doing It, still making calls now and then, still posting, still writing, Writing about the hell of it all, the hell I am living being Forced into living this day, and the heartlessness of some people, therapists included I don't care how it sounds. It just is.
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 28, 2008, at 13:23:17
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened » susan47, posted by B2chica on August 28, 2008, at 12:35:49
Definitely, Susan, keep posting about this. You will get through this eventually.
Posted by Nadezda on August 28, 2008, at 14:47:48
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:19:55
I have to agree with B2chica and Partly Cloudy-- keep posting the same thing, if you have to. It's hard to read, I admit, because you're in a lot of pain, but I've been there, too. Maybe a lot of us have.
I've talked something to death and then some, several times--until I hated to hear myself talk about it, even when I felt like I couldn't help it-- It takes time and work to move through and past something so compelling and compulsive-- but you can. DBT can help; it's helping me, although only now, after meds and a lot of time-- to cope with the remnants of several things.
Just work, for one thing, on not beating yourself up for phoning once in a while. It's okay. It's tragic that this happened, but as B2c says, you can detach, step away from immersion in the feeling, to know its a feeling-- not simply reality-- not the way it "has" to be forever, even if you have to accept, maybe more deeply than you have so far, that it's the way it is now.
Even if it's been a long time-- things can change now, in the future. If you believe that, it's the first step in making it happen.
Nadezda
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 15:18:01
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened » susan47, posted by B2chica on August 28, 2008, at 12:23:24
I try, B2C, I try. I go onto the writing page here on psycho-babble, but quite frankly my dear that just ain't doin' it. So I'm thinking that because the ONLY thing that seems to make me feel relief bright now, is writing, and that this unfinished therapy is what is causing me so much grief right now, and knowing how bad this is for another person that this happened (my ex-T, as well as myself), I need to write about This Particular Thing, this therapy that didn't occur. I want to say therapy that wasn't given, but that wouldn't even be correct as I feel the therapist himself is in trouble and needs therapy. I wonder if he ever got it. I'll bet he's just fine, not even breaking a sweat, not worried at all about what he might be doing to anybody.
This hurts, this hurts so much but not because of what he didn't do, as because of what I did do. Which was vent, and vent, and show in language, in sound and word, how much living I haven't done and need to do.
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 15:22:35
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened » susan47, posted by B2chica on August 28, 2008, at 12:35:49
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 15:31:19
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened » susan47, posted by Nadezda on August 28, 2008, at 14:47:48
All any of us can do is "plug along". I hate that terminology, but on the other hand it can be comforting too.
Have you ever visited someone, or seen your own life, as one monotonous day after another.
I mean, I've seen it, over and over again, I see it when I visit people I see it in the daily moments that make up my own life, and I cadn't stand it. Other people don't seem to have this same awareness of the dullness of their lives and so they just plug along through everything until they die.
That's not what I want to do. I want to enjoy This Moment.
Posted by rskontos on August 28, 2008, at 16:03:09
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:19:55
Susan,
I feel like you have a big huge load of pain to get off your shoulders out of your mind and go right ahead.
It is hard thing to carry. I am so sorry what happened to you with this therapy. This is hard for me to hear as i am having issues with my therapist, but only from my reluctance to trust him. He is showing he is trustworthy but my upbringing does not make it easy to trust anyone.
But I still wanted to let you know if you need to dump all your pain go ahead.
I read even if I don't always post. I do feel your pain and I will respond when I can. Just always know know I care that you get better.
rsk
Posted by lemonaide on August 28, 2008, at 19:12:34
In reply to The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
One thing I did that helped me about the bad feelings for my old T was start a poetry blog to get out my feelings in poems and have them in public view. This has helped me a lot. psychoflowers@blogspot.com
Posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2008, at 22:34:11
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by lemonaide on August 28, 2008, at 19:12:34
Keep posting and writing. Phillipa
Posted by nebulae on August 28, 2008, at 23:19:38
In reply to The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
Susan, are you trying to resolve this nightmare with another therapist? It is truly horrifying to think how much power therapists can have over us...
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 29, 2008, at 3:48:44
In reply to The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
This must have been and still must be so painful for you Susan. I so hope you can find closure for this some day. I am so so sorry about what happened with your therapist. Nothing I can say will make it go away...but I really hope something will life your spirits and that your broken heart will be healed.
Namaste
Posted by susan47 on August 29, 2008, at 9:47:38
In reply to This sounds very painful., posted by nebulae on August 28, 2008, at 23:19:38
> Susan, are you trying to resolve this nightmare with another therapist? It is truly horrifying to think how much power therapists can have over us...
I haven't actually talked to another therapist about this yet to any real extent. Therapists are a very closed circle, much like doctors of any other sort. They protect each other to a very large extent. I've told many people in the medical profession what I did though, explaining how wrong it is and how I know how wrong it is, and although some close-mouthedly allowed me to take full blame for it, some did not. Some actually have said things that made me realize I may have been more helpless in all of this than I had at first imagined myself to be.
Which makes the whole thing terrifying in scope, because now I'm beginning to realize how damaging this has sort of thing has been to others like me.
Posted by susan47 on August 29, 2008, at 9:48:59
In reply to Re: This sounds very painful. » nebulae, posted by susan47 on August 29, 2008, at 9:47:38
And does anyone remember Jada? The woman who actually was having a sexual affair with her T? Who was so in love with someone we know was so messed up and had complete power and control over her? Didn't she die of a terminal illness in the end, alone? Was she alone?
Posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 13:54:03
In reply to The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 12:08:49
There is no point in going any further in any of this if I do not say what I did to my own shame and embarrassment, two days ago.. two days ago I believe it is now, that I phoned from a local grocery store, I used the telephone there and I phoned my ex-T's office, and I said to his answering machine, I said, something to the effect that Nadezda had it right, and he doesn't even clean up after himself, and he is a Prick. Then I was empty, I was Spilled, I had nothing left and I hung up. (Sorry, this is going very deep, my mind is exposing itself, I am in Raw Truth) ... And I phoned again and I said something like this .. I AM going public with this ... and I don't remember if I said anything else, but then the urge to confess the horrible thing I just did to my ex-SO, who is a wonderful person, kind and caring and understanding but still, we all have our limits ... how could I feel so much rage, so much anger towards this man who is after all, only a human, and I too, only that, and a very very flawed version.
F*ck me.
I have to have a reason to live.
Please, God, give me a reason to be.
Here, now.
Now.
Give me a reason to live, or have me die.
Posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 13:58:01
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 13:54:03
> There is no point in going any further in any of this if I do not say what I did to my own shame and embarrassment, two days ago.. two days ago I believe it is now, that I phoned from a local grocery store, I used the telephone there and I phoned my ex-T's office, and I said to his answering machine, I said, something to the effect that Nadezda had it right, and he doesn't even clean up after himself, and he is a Prick. Then I was empty, I was Spilled, I had nothing left and I hung up. (Sorry, this is going very deep, my mind is exposing itself, I am in Raw Truth) ... And I phoned again and I said something like this .. I AM going public with this ... and I don't remember if I said anything else, but then the urge to confess the horrible thing I just did....
...by phoning my ex-therapist's answering machine....
....to my ex-SO,...
significant other,.... who is a wonderful person, kind and caring and understanding but still, we all have our limits ....
....what if he said "Susan, you are a terrible, stupid person for phoning your ex-T, what if he calls the police, what if he sets out a Peace Bond on you, what if he embarrasses you and humiliates you publicly to everyone you ever knew ....
...and what if he did?
... how could I feel so much rage, so much anger towards this man who is after all, only a human,....
....I am talking about my ex-therapist here, a man who needed admiration and adoration, to some extent he needed to feel more deeply as well, and I was also used.....
.... and I too, only that, and a very very flawed version.
> F*ck me.
> I have to have a reason to live.
> Please, God, give me a reason to be.
> Here, now.
> Now.
> Give me a reason to live, or have me die.
Posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 14:01:07
In reply to Re: The Need to Reveal What Happened, posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 13:58:01
He reduced it all to literary terms?
This is the end of the thread.
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