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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on August 20, 2008, at 21:07:00
Who the heck knows. This may be rambly and disjointed but it's the best I can do right now.
Saw old T again today. Didnt reschedule as I'm still seeing current T and cant do both of course, but she left the door open for me to schedule to see her regularly if I want to, if I'm no longer in therapy elsewhere that is.
She has drawn the boundary lines HARD but no one has informed me of where theyre at exactly. I'm suddenly getting much colder, more removed reactions from her to comments that, while some Ts wouldnt respond to ever, oldT always used to respond to in a specific manner... more warmly and more personal. I walked in today and could immediately feel something was different. I mean immediately. I said "you seem different today". I didnt expect a real answer of course, but she made it into a big therapeutic moment and it wasnt! She just seemed different. Then tonight I wrote her an email about a few different things, didnt need much of a response really. One of the things was a brief apology for directing questions at her like I did. I said that I'd forgotten who i was talking to for a moment and said I was sorry as I want to be careful to respect her boundaries. She didnt comment on that part, or another brief clarification on something else, at all. She responded to a few specific questions I'd asked, about scheduling and money. The response she did send was very... removed. Professional. If I start seeing her regularly, the cost will go up in December as it went up for all her other clients last year or something. It's already really not in my price range. Old T and I pulled up to the office today in our cars at the same time and she parked next to me. I got out and her window was open so I said hello and she said hi back in a very unenergetic, weird way. I immediately felt like I shouldnt have said hi. With all that, it seems like maybe it was something having to do with her today, but I really believe that it wasnt, given her reaction when I questioned her. I said I knew she wouldnt tell me if something was going on even if I asked, and she said that there really wasnt anything to tell, even if she wanted to.
Now I'm left feeling like, what did I do wrong?
I'm aware that I'm focusing on the bad and ignoring all the things that went well today, but this is really throwing me.
I really dont mind respecting her boundaries (heck, I WANT to!), wherever they now sit, but I dont know where they are. Last week I got the old Old T, but this week was a new Old T to some degree. If the lines have changed, I need to know that. I feel like I've done something wrong and I'm not quite sure what. Calling myself "bad" has been a favorite of mine recently (I know, I know) and this is adding fuel to that fire.
I'll post tomorrow sometime about what I did get out of the session that was positive (and there definitely was positive). Right now I just cant really get my head around everything else.
I'm going to see current T tomorrow. I can NOT tell current T about seeing old T because she didnt want me to go in the first place. If I tell her and tell her I'm bothered about something, it'll be a "told ya so" moment. She'd never say that of course, but still.
I just want to run away and quit therapy forever. I hate this. I HATE IT.
I did respond to old Ts email a few minutes ago with a short response to what she said (scheduling, etc) and then at the end I wrote "If I'm pushing the boundaries too far, please tell me". We'll see if she says anything.
Some of you from a year or so ago might remember how old T and I used to email quite frequently. I was seeing current T at that time too. Old T and I eventually had a talk and she said we had to stop and have tighter boundaries because it had gone a little too far. Nothing inappropriate, but she was expressing more caring and more of herself than a T normally would. She was getting overly involved I guess. I completely understood at the time why it had to change, even though I didnt like it. That history is important now I'm sure. I know it cant/wont be like it was before. Maybe she's being extra careful now but dang... it feels bad. I just want to hear "hey, the boundaries have to be tighter than they used to be, but it doesnt mean I care any less about you or am any less interested. it just has to be this way". But now, I have no idea. I dont know what's going on. I feel like a bad kid.
The last week or two or three I've started to feel a bit unsafe again. I'm eating better (not restricting as much) at least... but I've traded restricting for self-harm/suicidal urges it seems. Nice. I called pdoc on Thurs and she never called me back. I dont know what to do. I hate this.
Posted by rskontos on August 20, 2008, at 22:11:25
In reply to saw oldT again today (long + rambly), posted by wishingstar on August 20, 2008, at 21:07:00
Wishingstar,
I hate to say this but I think you are muddying the waters trying to see both T's. I am not sure why you return to the old t but if the boundaries got shaky maybe it isn't a good thing. And you should probably come clean with your current t in order to work out the feelings you have for the old t, so you can resolve them and try to move on. I feel like maybe having those feelings and going back is stopping any progress you might make with current t. But that is just my take. I don't want to hurt your feelings just how I see it with the little information I got from your post.
Good luck with it. I hope it all works out but it sounds to me you might get hurt more.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2008, at 0:08:30
In reply to Re: saw oldT again today (long + rambly) » wishingstar, posted by rskontos on August 20, 2008, at 22:11:25
You've been away from her and in that time you have grown so maybe the T you are currently seeing is the right one. Don't know will wait to see what you add tomorrow. Get ahold of the pdoc tomorrow self-harm is not good. Love Phillipa
Posted by wishingstar on August 21, 2008, at 6:29:52
In reply to Re: saw oldT again today (long + rambly) » wishingstar, posted by rskontos on August 20, 2008, at 22:11:25
I'm having some posters regret. It's so much more complicated than what I've explained I guess.... I'm not trying to/planning to/etc do therapy with 2 Ts at once. I've been seeing Old T sporadically for session here and there ever since beginning with my current T, and current T is aware of that. She's never expressed a problem with it before. This time there were specific reasons why she had concerns that were valid and I chose to ignore her (maybe a bad decision I guess).. but.. it's different than it sounds. I dont think my relationship with old T is hampering my relationship with current T. That has also been discussed, with both of them, and I know they have talked. I've been trying to make current T hear me for 2 years and she still isnt. That's today, in the now.. whether I have any contact with old T or not. When I do talk to old T, most of what we talk about is how to make the relationship with my current T work and what I need to do to express my needs, etc. The biggest reason I saw old T this time was to feel heard but also to consider whether switching to her regularly would be an option. It had been quite some time this time around since I'd seen old T and I can honestly say I wasnt thinking of her that often and wasnt missing her, comparing current T and her, etc. And Phillipa, if I could get ahold of my pdoc I would, but that's a next to impossible thing apparently. She never returns calls, to me or to my T even. I know I need to switch pdocs and that is on my mind but for several reasons, that's also more complicated that it sounds.
I'm already berating myself for making an obviously huge mistake here... I really just need some support.
Posted by antigua3 on August 21, 2008, at 9:04:11
In reply to Re: saw oldT again today (long + rambly), posted by wishingstar on August 21, 2008, at 6:29:52
You have my support. I know what it's like. As I've mentioned before, I do therapy w/both a T and a pdoc and it can get complicated at times.
My T and I have agreed that if this becomes a problem, we will figure out what to do together, which I find comforting as she is the one who knows me best.
take care, pls, and don't beat yourself up over this.
antigua
Posted by rskontos on August 21, 2008, at 13:00:59
In reply to Re: saw oldT again today (long + rambly), posted by wishingstar on August 21, 2008, at 6:29:52
WS,
I wasn't trying not to support you I was just concerned. Sorry if I made you feel unsupported. It just sounded like you were hurting and if I mistakeningly got that from thinking it was because of working with two t's my bad.
Please don't feel like you aren't being supported here. I am trying to support you. I will just keep my opins to my self from now on since the words typed here often don't express how someone is trying to be support.
again my bad.
rsk
Posted by wishingstar on August 21, 2008, at 14:39:00
In reply to Re: saw oldT again today (long + rambly) » wishingstar, posted by rskontos on August 21, 2008, at 13:00:59
I wasnt trying to criticize or say you did anything wrong. You're fine. I know you're trying to be supportive and I appreciate that. I'm just feeling ultra sensitive right now and "they" always say that you have to tell people where you're at because no one can read your mind.. that's why I posted with what I was looking for. I'm not upset with you. Sorry it came across that way.
Posted by wishingstar on August 21, 2008, at 14:40:19
In reply to Re: saw oldT again today (long + rambly) » wishingstar, posted by antigua3 on August 21, 2008, at 9:04:11
Thank you antigua. I appreciate knowing that someone understands...
I saw current T today and it didnt go well. I'm at work and cant really post about it right now.. if I try, who knows what emotions I'll bring up.. but I will later.
This is the end of the thread.
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