Posted by wishingstar on August 20, 2008, at 21:07:00
Who the heck knows. This may be rambly and disjointed but it's the best I can do right now.
Saw old T again today. Didnt reschedule as I'm still seeing current T and cant do both of course, but she left the door open for me to schedule to see her regularly if I want to, if I'm no longer in therapy elsewhere that is.
She has drawn the boundary lines HARD but no one has informed me of where theyre at exactly. I'm suddenly getting much colder, more removed reactions from her to comments that, while some Ts wouldnt respond to ever, oldT always used to respond to in a specific manner... more warmly and more personal. I walked in today and could immediately feel something was different. I mean immediately. I said "you seem different today". I didnt expect a real answer of course, but she made it into a big therapeutic moment and it wasnt! She just seemed different. Then tonight I wrote her an email about a few different things, didnt need much of a response really. One of the things was a brief apology for directing questions at her like I did. I said that I'd forgotten who i was talking to for a moment and said I was sorry as I want to be careful to respect her boundaries. She didnt comment on that part, or another brief clarification on something else, at all. She responded to a few specific questions I'd asked, about scheduling and money. The response she did send was very... removed. Professional. If I start seeing her regularly, the cost will go up in December as it went up for all her other clients last year or something. It's already really not in my price range. Old T and I pulled up to the office today in our cars at the same time and she parked next to me. I got out and her window was open so I said hello and she said hi back in a very unenergetic, weird way. I immediately felt like I shouldnt have said hi. With all that, it seems like maybe it was something having to do with her today, but I really believe that it wasnt, given her reaction when I questioned her. I said I knew she wouldnt tell me if something was going on even if I asked, and she said that there really wasnt anything to tell, even if she wanted to.
Now I'm left feeling like, what did I do wrong?
I'm aware that I'm focusing on the bad and ignoring all the things that went well today, but this is really throwing me.
I really dont mind respecting her boundaries (heck, I WANT to!), wherever they now sit, but I dont know where they are. Last week I got the old Old T, but this week was a new Old T to some degree. If the lines have changed, I need to know that. I feel like I've done something wrong and I'm not quite sure what. Calling myself "bad" has been a favorite of mine recently (I know, I know) and this is adding fuel to that fire.
I'll post tomorrow sometime about what I did get out of the session that was positive (and there definitely was positive). Right now I just cant really get my head around everything else.
I'm going to see current T tomorrow. I can NOT tell current T about seeing old T because she didnt want me to go in the first place. If I tell her and tell her I'm bothered about something, it'll be a "told ya so" moment. She'd never say that of course, but still.
I just want to run away and quit therapy forever. I hate this. I HATE IT.
I did respond to old Ts email a few minutes ago with a short response to what she said (scheduling, etc) and then at the end I wrote "If I'm pushing the boundaries too far, please tell me". We'll see if she says anything.
Some of you from a year or so ago might remember how old T and I used to email quite frequently. I was seeing current T at that time too. Old T and I eventually had a talk and she said we had to stop and have tighter boundaries because it had gone a little too far. Nothing inappropriate, but she was expressing more caring and more of herself than a T normally would. She was getting overly involved I guess. I completely understood at the time why it had to change, even though I didnt like it. That history is important now I'm sure. I know it cant/wont be like it was before. Maybe she's being extra careful now but dang... it feels bad. I just want to hear "hey, the boundaries have to be tighter than they used to be, but it doesnt mean I care any less about you or am any less interested. it just has to be this way". But now, I have no idea. I dont know what's going on. I feel like a bad kid.
The last week or two or three I've started to feel a bit unsafe again. I'm eating better (not restricting as much) at least... but I've traded restricting for self-harm/suicidal urges it seems. Nice. I called pdoc on Thurs and she never called me back. I dont know what to do. I hate this.
poster:wishingstar
thread:847456
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/847456.html