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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by nebulae on August 9, 2008, at 18:15:59
My therapy was going great. We were approaching two years. I have made a huge progress, and last sessions my therapist has commented how well i work during sessions and how much more open i have become.
Last week after our session, while i was still in his office, his wife came to pick him up. I heard her ring the bell, and when he came back after opening the door and telling me who it was, i became quite upset, but did not elaborate, since it was time for me to leave.
I do have transference towards my therapist. It used to be huge. Then, quite a long time ago, when i really started to change, it subsided considerably, but was still there. I would ask him questions about his marriage, and show him at times my jealousy. But again, nothing out of the ordinary. And we would talk about it, and move on.
So when i came back home that evening, i was very hurt by his wife's picking him up, and i called him and left a very nasty voicemail about how i hated him, etc.
I called him again several days after, and he informed me that i had to look for another therapist because my transference is too strong, it's causing me pain and further therapy is not possible. I was crushed and in total disbelief. What??? This was going exceptionally well!!! All of a sudden--it's not a workable situation.
I am devastated. He first said he'd see me again in a couple of months, but in the meantime i need to find someone else. I begged him to let me come in this week, and first he firmly refused, but after a desperate email, said that we can set up a time next week.
What is going on?! How can he just drop me like this? Why can't we talk about my voicemail and transference? Again, my transference isn't even that strong anymore! Why is he reacting this way? Is it also because i was rude? But why can't we talk about it?
I feel absolutely terrible. I need him. This is some kind of mistake. I am terrified to go to my next, and last (!) session. I always felt so lucky to have found him and i appreciate him so much. Who i am right now would not be possible without him. How can he do this to me? This is crazy. I wouldn't even have any left over feelings about his wife coming in by the time i'd see him again. He is blowing my transference out of proportion.
Is it possible he will change his mind? And what does he want to accomplish by taking a break and then finishing with me? Why is he finishing with me?
Posted by no_rose_garden on August 9, 2008, at 20:26:31
In reply to Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by nebulae on August 9, 2008, at 18:15:59
I'm sorry you're not feeling well...what a tough situation.
Did you leave the voice mail at his home or office? If you left it at home and he hasn't told you it's okay to call, maybe he thinks you're not respecting his privacy.
He could also be overreacting...it sounds like he changed his mind with time...nobody's perfect, i guess.
I hope things turn out ok.
Posted by Maria01 on August 10, 2008, at 0:09:59
In reply to Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by nebulae on August 9, 2008, at 18:15:59
What your therapist did is unethical..a therapist cannot abandon a client like that. If he is sure that he doesn't want to work with you any longer, it is his responsibility to refer you to at least two other therapists. Depending on the state you live in, it's against the law for a therapist to randomly inform a client to find someone else, and to just walk away. He has an ethical obligation to you to assist you in finding another therapist.
Best of luck to you...
Posted by Cal on August 10, 2008, at 7:21:05
In reply to Re: Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by Maria01 on August 10, 2008, at 0:09:59
OMG Hasn't this therapist heard of working through problems? I am sorry he is treating you this way!!!
Posted by Nadezda on August 10, 2008, at 9:41:47
In reply to Re: Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by Cal on August 10, 2008, at 7:21:05
Honestly IMO he was completely out of line having his wife come to his office in that way. I'm glad you've found him so helpful, but he obviously has some glaring deficiencies in his training if he thinks that's an ordinary, acceptable thing. Some types of training don't emphasize that keeping boundaries is important-- but it really is. I'd have freaked out if I had to see my T's wife-- or if I saw her now.
And to drop you precipitously from therapy is really awful. Like Cal said-- this is how he thinks you deal with a crisis? --- that's how he solves problems?
I don't know what you said in your message-- or where you left it-- I mean maybe there are things that you left out that further explain his being emotionally out of control-- But that's not how you respond to a patient's being upset with you-- a good T knows that this is a thing that happens a lot in therapy.
He certainly needed to help you find another T, if his limitations prevent him from working with you. It's very wrong not to give you referrals and to support you through the transition. And he told you this on the phone? I'm sorry-- but that's just totally wrong. He needs to get some supervision, if this is how he handles things when his countertransference gets intense.
I feel really really bad for you, nebulae. Maybe you can go to someone on a consultation basis, and see if they can help you reconnect with this T-- since you seem to think you've gotten a lot of help from him. But he certainly has some flaws as a T-- that need to be addressed by him.
Nadezda
Posted by obsidian on August 10, 2008, at 10:42:42
In reply to Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by nebulae on August 9, 2008, at 18:15:59
sounds like he got scared
perhaps because his personal life (because this was triggered by the presence of his wife) was a subject in therapy
however, it happened, had to be dealt with, and cutting you off in such a way was not the wayI don't consider transference a dirty word
I'm sorry this happened to you
Posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 10:50:35
In reply to Re: Abrupt termination because of strong transfere, posted by Nadezda on August 10, 2008, at 9:41:47
He probably knows every therapist in NYC, but he told me that I should call NY State referral service, since he does not know anyone who would charge me a fee I can afford.
I left that message on his regular phone. I said in that I wanted him to die and f*** you. But I have gotten this mad at him before, and we would discuss it. I think the fact that it was a message, with it's one-way communication, kind of sounded too fatal and too harsh. I don't know.
I've been sending him many emails since then, trying to explain what my message really meant and that it's basically a misunderstanding and he is attributing more meaning to it than needed.
If he dumps me--I am dead.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 12:58:21
In reply to His experience is 40 years., posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 10:50:35
Hey, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I went through a similar "nightmare" with my T in the past.
In my case, I called him out on his inconsistant behavior out of frustration, and he got scared and flipped out. He tried to end it by following protocal, but by that time I got my head together and didn't let him terminate. I knew that he couln't terminate without abandonment.
I went through the trouble of saving this relationship, because I knew that he just got scared by his countertransference. I just had to save it...we have a strong connection. I was very careful not to do or say anything that would legally give him any excuse to terminate me without making him at fault. I found out he's very stubborn and very difficult to turn around, but I did it by remaining calm and not threatening in anyway.
At our "almost last meeting", I tried to be as real and honest as I could be without putting him on defense. We ended up having an amazing meeting and have gotten closer in many ways. I understand you're in a very tough position, but I think it can be repaired.
I find it curious that he's using you not being able to pay a certain fee to not give you referrals. Has he said/done anything inappropriate with you?
Ok...it probably was harsh to tell him to die and f**k you, but he should be able to handle that and work through this with you. Are you paying a lot less than his usual fee? How would you characterize your relationship with him overall?
I'm sorry this is happening to you...
stellabystarlight
Posted by Phillipa on August 10, 2008, at 13:58:22
In reply to Re: Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by Maria01 on August 10, 2008, at 0:09:59
Really as mine kind of did and gave no referrals same with a p doc. Phillipa
Posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 14:28:14
In reply to Re: Abrupt termination because of strong transference. » Maria01, posted by Phillipa on August 10, 2008, at 13:58:22
Did your therapy end after this? Did you try to stay? What did he give you as a reason?
Posted by raisinb on August 10, 2008, at 14:31:25
In reply to Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by nebulae on August 9, 2008, at 18:15:59
His behavior doesn't make sense to me. I can't even count the number of times I've said "f**k you" to my therapist. She wasn't happy about it, but she certainly didn't terminate me for it.
Did you have any warning, from him, that he didn't think things were going well before this incident? What did he say when you talked about the therapy?
Posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 14:38:51
In reply to Sorry...what a tough situation... » nebulae, posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 12:58:21
Thank you all for your replies. I am just really at a loss.
I am paying very little. But he does lots of sliding scale work, although I don't know if others' pay is just as low.
No, nothing inappropriate has ever been said or done; just a very good therapeutical relationship, that was very beneficial to me.
Yes, I would bring up his personal life sometimes, and tell him my fantasy about it, how perfect I think it must be and so on.
It seems to me that my last message just confused him and he jumped to a conclusion that my transference is way too strong. But at the same time it surprises me, because he knows me inside out, he interprets without a single mistake my every word. He can't just simply be so blatantly wrong this time.
Posted by Phillipa on August 10, 2008, at 20:05:15
In reply to Can you please tell me what happened? » Phillipa, posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 14:28:14
When she kept forgetting what we had as an assignment and got mad that husband was with me as she requested. I didn't go back. Phillipa ps she never called to find out why and we didn't have another appointment.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 21:07:22
In reply to Abrupt termination because of strong transference., posted by nebulae on August 9, 2008, at 18:15:59
Please let us know what happens next week. I think you said he agreed to set up a meeting next week.
For me, my "almost last meeting" went well because I used my intellectual side more than my emotional side. It really helped that I didn't seem out of control and unpredictable.
Good luck to you!
stellabystarlight
Posted by nebulae on August 10, 2008, at 22:32:37
In reply to Sorry...what a tough situation... » nebulae, posted by stellabystarlight on August 10, 2008, at 12:58:21
Thank you, stella. This gives me hope. I am already trying to repair the damage in my emails. I am very afraid to go to this coming session, but it's my only chance to look him in the eye and have him tell me what the hell this all means.
This is the end of the thread.
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