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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Just when I was doing so well, my therapist told me today she's pregnant again. This means she'll be leaving for six weeks and I won't know how she is or what is happening to her. It also means I'll see visible evidence of how that will happen sooner and sooner, every session. I'll have the same flood of conflicting feelings I had the first time--jealous of her for being pregnant--and worse, jealous of the *baby* for having her as a mother (literally, I had the immediate thought, what if she has a girl?)--feeling like I want to crawl into her lap and hang onto her so she won't go and won't stop caring about me.
It means I'll be worrying the whole time whether she's sick, or tired, or otherwise not really wanting to be in session with me. I know it's not logical, but I am ashamed because it what right does a 33 year old woman not part of her family have to feel all this stuff? I'll feel guilty talking about it, because it is something so personal to her and it can't help but make her feel weird. And I can't help but picture her doing this processing with all her clients. Also, something might happen to her--not likely but possible--and she will never be back then.
I *so* did not want to deal with all this stuff. I feel lonely and sad but I don't want to call, even though she strongly urged me to if I needed to, and I don't want to go to the next session, because I don't want to confront it and I know she will want to talk about it. All I did today was remain silent and try not to cry, even though she was telling me it was okay the whole time. I felt like a jerk for crying over something that she must be happy about. She was nice. She said she didn't want me walking out of there thinking she didn't care, because she did. And that if I needed just to hear that, I could call her. In a way that makes it worse, because I can't be mad at her, and all that's left is feeling sad and scared.
There is an upside. I realized that I didn't even think about quitting. I would've automatically decided to a year ago, even six months. Which might mean I'm learning to commit, and trust, which I didn't think I could do. I am proud of myself. But I still do not want to deal with any of this. Guess I said that already :)
Posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2008, at 23:11:32
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Ah but you say you're learning to deal with it all that's a plus congratulations. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2008, at 23:32:33
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
I actually considered breeding age when choosing a therapist. My therapist was still well in the age to be siring children. I worried about it for years.
Pregnancy *is* disturbing in a therapist (or parent). There is the overt evidence of the fact that they actually (gasp!) have sex. There is the whole period where the baby is literally thrust into your notice. Then the period of time when they actually are gone. And then the inevitable feelings of sibling rivalry.
I was jealous enough of my therapist's stepdaughter, who wasn't a baby. And my therapist's niece. Who appears to be the apple of his eye. When, darn it, I'm supposed to be that apple.
Whatever feelings you're having are perfectly natural. And since your therapist went into this field and also decided to do her part in populating the world, I'm sure she is prepared for clients' reactions. I'm guessing it would make her happier if you let her do her job, without trying to protect her.
Felicitations to her, and my profound empathy to you. Not to mention congratulations for your big step forward in commitment. :)
(Six weeks stinks. It really does. I'm pretty darn sure I didn't get six weeks of total time off.)
Posted by stellabystarlight on July 25, 2008, at 5:29:03
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Since my T is a male, thankfully I won't have to deal with this scenario. But, what you're going through sounds so INTENSE!
Don't be ashamed of your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. Everything you feel is valid. I would feel the same way.
I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.
Take care.
stellabystarlight
Posted by antigua3 on July 25, 2008, at 8:56:25
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Does this bring up anything from your past? Were you pushed out of the nest for another child?
You're being triggered big time and you've been given a great, but potentially hurtful, opportunity to explore it.
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on July 25, 2008, at 8:57:23
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Raisin,
I can really understand how news of her pregnancy could feel very threatening and raise a whole lot of painful feelings related to sibling rivalry and abandonment. I have felt similarly at various junctures and with lesser provocation. Whenever we see undeniable signs of their lives beyond our mutual "as if" relationships it is like a splash in the face with icy water (cubes and all)! And of course it reawakens lots of issues with us.
Since she just announced her pregnancy, I'm guessing you still have several months before she leaves. Maybe this will be a good opportunity for you two to work through some of those issues you mentioned - and it may help to see that she is also working hard to help you get through this development in your therapy. It sounds like she is ready and able to "go there with you" wthout being defensive or avoidant herself. Despite our several years together, my T and I still set aside several weeks before his vacation or some other lengthy separation to talk, talk, talk about the issues it brings out for me. Sometimes there is something tangible that comes out of these sessions that does help me deal with it. But most of all it makes me feel cared for, that he takes my feelings and issues so seriously, that he always tells me his plans good and early, and that he puts them on the agenda well ahead of time so we can work on it together. That sense of togetherness and mutual involvement does help, and each year I learn a little more about myself and my relationships. Plus in looking at the differences between the current year and previous ones, I can recognize personal growth and progress that I've made. Sounds like you have been doing this too. It's always such a sense of accomplishment when we see ourselves facing and handling things in ways we could never do before.
I realize that her pregnancy leave is a greater hurdle than my T's vacations, so please don't think I'm comparing them directly. I really empathize with you and how you must feel facing such this latest challenge. I also have a lot of respect for you and your progress in creating such a sense of commitment to your therapy, and that you plan to ride this period out with her and sharing your experience. In the meantime, hugs to you...
Lucie
Posted by raisinb on July 25, 2008, at 11:10:59
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long* » raisinb, posted by Phillipa on July 24, 2008, at 23:11:32
Posted by raisinb on July 25, 2008, at 11:13:40
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long* » raisinb, posted by antigua3 on July 25, 2008, at 8:56:25
Yes, evidently it does, because I have been shaking and crying all morning.
In my family, there wasn't much love or attention in the first place, so I suppose when my brother came along he was a threat.
I am overwhelmed. Crying because of the mothering I never got and will never get is most of it. My therapist abandoning me for all that time. Not being part of her life. Not being important. I feel like I am being hit with rocks.
Posted by raisinb on July 25, 2008, at 11:15:02
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by lucie lu on July 25, 2008, at 8:57:23
Thank you, Lucie, for your kind and thoughtful post. It is important to work through these things and I want to. I am terrified of it, though. I am terrified of the strength of feelings this is bringing up.
Posted by raisinb on July 25, 2008, at 11:17:14
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
I don't know if I can handle this at all. I did not know it would be so scary. I know it is not that big of a deal. I am shaking and crying a lot, though. I wish wish wish wish we had gotten done with therapy before this happened again. It was hard enough the first time when we hadn't gotten into something so intense. This is like having my stomach implode. I do not want to be like this.
Posted by raisinb on July 25, 2008, at 11:18:44
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long* » raisinb, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2008, at 23:32:33
Thanks Dinah. The empathy helps. I don't know how I will handle that six weeks. Even when I've quit it has only been for a month at most. And I knew she'd be there if I called.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 25, 2008, at 20:16:59
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Raisin,
I probably don't have any great words of wisdom, but I do have tons of empathy! Fortunately my therapist is past child bearing age, but reading your post, I *know* I would have felt the same way you are. I related to all of your feelings even though I haven't experienced the situation. And never mind about logic! Your feelings are just feelings; there are no right or wrong. :)
I too would be jealous of her being pregnant, and I would be jealous of the baby, and to take it a step further, I'm not sure if jealous is the right word here, but I would also feel jealousy towards her husband! I wouldn't like the obvious reminder that they had sex, but jealous because he spends so much more time with her, and I want to! I have lots of mother issues myself.
So honestly, I think your feelings are natural, and this experience is a good, albeit painful opportunity for you to explore them, You don't need to hide your feelings, or protect her from them; she's probably expecting them!
This is hard, but you can do it! It's great that you didn't even think about quitting and that your learning to trust and commit. Be proud of yourself and hang in there.
LGL
Posted by meme3842 on July 25, 2008, at 22:34:49
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Raisin,
That totally sucks. I feel for you. I would also be upset. I can imagine that her pregnancy pushes all the longing for mothering right in your face. And while you probably know that she has a life outside of the therapy office, it doesn't help to be reminded of it. My previous therapist's personal life kinda interferred with our sessions, as much as she tried to keep them separate, and it threw me for a HUGE loop. Mostly, I realized that she wasn't the person I thought she was, nor could she ever be who I wanted her to be--namely, a mother. And it hurt.
And on top of the she's going to be gone for six weeks. That sucks even more. Will you have the chance to plan for her absence, like things you can do to help yourself, or people you can call, fill-ins? I hope so. I hope she wouldn't leaving you hanging.
Anyway, hang in there. I'm feeling for you.
meme
Posted by raisinb on July 26, 2008, at 11:57:30
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long* » raisinb, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 25, 2008, at 20:16:59
Hi LGL,
Thank you! It is hard to feel like my feelings are valid. I know she's trained to work with them. But MAN--when I am talking to her, it seems almost impossible to bring stuff like this up. We're almost the same age, which for some reason makes it all the harder.
Posted by raisinb on July 26, 2008, at 11:59:20
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by meme3842 on July 25, 2008, at 22:34:49
Hi meme--
No, she won't leave me hanging. We will, I'm sure, talk about how I'll handle things while she is gone. She'll also arrange (at least she did the last time) for me to see someone she likes. Or at least be able to call him. I don't know if I want to actually see somebody else. It will be tough. Thank you for the words of support.
Posted by raisinb on July 26, 2008, at 12:11:50
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Last night after being a basket case all day. We couldn't connect then, so she's calling me this afternoon. Now I'm freaking out because I don't want to talk about this stuff. Arggggg. Isn't therapy fun.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on July 27, 2008, at 21:47:38
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Oh Raisin,
My therapist was out for ~3 months on maternity leave. I totally feel for you! After I found out I feel like everything shifted. My feelings around it totally took over - just when I was just starting to really get attached. When she returned I just thought I would never make it back to my issues. (Although of course her being out/pregnant/having a baby did trigger real issues of course.) Anyway, somehow we reconnected and I continued my attachment. But that whole thing was SO HARD! I understand your conflicting feelings about such a happy thing for her - especially if you feel like you love her. But it is also abandoning in a way (not on purpose obviously). I think it made my connection to my T even stronger in the end but I dread her having a second which I often imagine is coming... sounds like yours already had one? Just hang in there with it. I hear your pain.
Posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 12:50:57
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by FindingMyDesire on July 27, 2008, at 21:47:38
Thank you for the support, FMD. I hope she isn't gone for three months, but I don't know exactly how long it will be. She keeps reassuring me that nothing will change permanently and that she'll see me through this, but it is still scary.
I have to go in later today and talk about all my jealousy, abandonment, etc. It's gonna be a very un-fun experience.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 28, 2008, at 15:40:42
In reply to Re: crap crap crap *kind of long* » LittleGirlLost, posted by raisinb on July 26, 2008, at 11:57:30
> Hi LGL,
> Thank you! It is hard to feel like my feelings are valid. I know she's trained to work with them. But MAN--when I am talking to her, it seems almost impossible to bring stuff like this up. We're almost the same age, which for some reason makes it all the harder.Yes, It *IS* hard to feel like your feelings are valid, but they are (no matter how invalid or illogical they seem!). Just before my T went on vacation, we were processing it, and I didn't feel entitled to any of my feelings; of course she encouraged them. I remember trying to justify them to her, I was telling her that "I understand a vacation, and I understand, etc etc." I told her that I get vacations too, but... (and it was like I understood it all intellectually but not emotionally) she stopped me and just looked and me so reassurringly and said, "I know you do." (It was actually a really warm moment.) So many times she has to remind me that it's not about logic.
So Raisin, have your feelings, and share them with her. They're there for a reason and she will help you with them. Good luck!
(Actually, you've inspired me to think about bringing this up with my therapist. Not that there's any chance of her becoming pregnant, but knowing that I would have the same reaction that you are is certainly worth exploring. Then again, she knows I have problems sharing her, so she is aware of my issues with sibling rivalry, so maybe in a way, we are exploring it.)Again, good luck with this!
LGL
Posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 18:48:14
In reply to crap crap crap *kind of long*, posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
I'm pretty pleased with myself, especially since she took it all very well. Still sucks of course. But at least it's out there.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 28, 2008, at 22:00:09
In reply to told her everything, posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 18:48:14
> I'm pretty pleased with myself, especially since she took it all very well. Still sucks of course. But at least it's out there.
>>>> Yeah it sucks, and it doesn't change the situation, but GOOD for you for bringing it up!! I'm glad she handled it so well too.
You deserve to be pleased with yourself. ;)
lgl
Posted by FindingMyDesire on July 31, 2008, at 20:57:30
In reply to told her everything, posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 18:48:14
Raisin,
That's awesome. That's hard. Good for you. I hope it is just the beginning of some really meaningful stuff. I'm glad you got what sounds like a steady response?
This is the end of the thread.
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