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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on July 3, 2008, at 14:11:58
Just a quickie -- when a T talks about "regard," I always hear the psychotherapist Carl Rogers in the background. He put a premium on something called the therapist's "unconditional positive regard," which I think actually does mean something like love.
And also, I know from hard experience that Ts don't always manage to summon this regard consistently. Though mine tries...and maybe that's the point, or a point. That he tries.
Posted by Lucie Lu on July 3, 2008, at 16:57:59
In reply to On Regard, posted by backseatdriver on July 3, 2008, at 14:11:58
Hi BSD, I am glad you picked up on the "regard" issue that arose in the earler thread. I think raisin's comment was on the mark when she posted "The therapist-client relationship is so different from others that sometimes it seems it's impossible to use the same language." Amen!I also suspected that maybe "regard" might be the acceptable T-word used to describe their love for us. And carrying this further, that "positive tranference" is the acceptable patient/client word used to describe our love for them. Funny how we must speak to each other in these euphemisms. Is it just a fear of lawsuits? Maybe we should start a dictionary of T terms ;)
Thanks for the post - Lucie
Posted by rskontos on July 3, 2008, at 17:17:11
In reply to Re: On Regard » backseatdriver, posted by Lucie Lu on July 3, 2008, at 16:57:59
You know until I read this thread and backseatdriver's earlier post, I never thought about whether or not my therapist has regard, or positive transference. I guess in my own distant way, I just did not chose to reflect on his personal or professional feelings for me. Now, I know he "feels" something since I went in there three weeks ago to "quit" and he fought for me to not do that. He did not ever tell me he had regard or feelings or anything. But then again, maybe, because he knows that might just freak me out. He does like to say I have always stayed in relationships whereby I am the one in control. That is mainly true in those since I left my parents house. But a sense of regard from him. I guess I just choose not to think about his motivations right now. Even when he offered to treat me for free if money was motivation in quitting, I did not think why he really cares for me.
I guess in part, because if I think about his regard, feelings or motivation, then i would become part of the process of having to be responsible for the existence of that. And that I cannot take right now. Please tell me if anyone understands this?
perhaps this is part of why I don't trust and have trust issues.
rsk
Posted by lucie lu on July 3, 2008, at 20:40:22
In reply to Re: On Regard » Lucie Lu, posted by rskontos on July 3, 2008, at 17:17:11
rsk - I know it is not helpful to obsess about $$, but if my T actually offered to treat me for free just to keep me in therapy, well, I certainly would get the feeling that he/she really cared about my welfare! (Kinda wish mine would - my insurance for the year ran out recently). But then you wrote "...about his regard, feelings or motivation, then i would become part of the process of having to be responsible for the existence of that. And that I cannot take right now." ... Not sure what you meant, do you want to talk more that, maybe open up a new thread? Only if you want to, of course.
-LL
Posted by Happyflower on July 4, 2008, at 10:26:59
In reply to Re: On Regard » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on July 3, 2008, at 20:40:22
Yeah, one of my favorite topics! :-) The reason you hear Carl Rogers is because he was one of the founding fathers of humanistic psychotherapy. My T believes in this soooo much, he was trained in it too and other methods.
The thing my T does is offers me and other clients acceptance with warmness, and love, and respect. He may not directly say he cares about me or loves me or accepts me, but he SHOWS me by the way he talks to me, listens to me. With this attention, I feel important, special and worthwhile and eventually it has integrated within myself where I don't need him to feel this way. Now I still have some work in that area, but within a year I have come miles in that regard. And for someone who didn't have this growing up, it feels incredible.
I feel like I am a baby bird in his nest while he teaches me and takes care of me till I am ready to be on my own.It was kinda funny one day, I brought up that he gives me unconditional positive regard, and I am the only client that ever said that or knew that.(well of course I am studying psychology) But I recognized it. Then he told me about some of his training. Now I believe this takes a T with a good sense of themselves to offer this to others at this level, they in fact need to be accepting of themselves before they can really be there in that way for clients.
All I know is that I don't question how he feels about me, I know, I can FEEL it when I am with him. So I am free to work on my issues because I have learned to count on my T and trust him. I have worked past these issues of knowing he cares, because he just does, I can feel it. It is also very healing for me to know there are some people who I can trust who won't take advantage of me.
I compare it to the relationship I have with my children. I of course tell them I love them and give them hugs but they know this already and I am not telling them this because they are questioning whether or not I do, they know through how I am with them. I don't know it that makes much sense, I am a little groggy from my sleep meds this morning.
Posted by rskontos on July 4, 2008, at 14:49:35
In reply to Re: On Regard » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on July 3, 2008, at 20:40:22
Lucielu,
What I meant was that if I get too involved about whether he has regard or cares for me at this time, I would then feel responsible for his feelings and of keeping them. I might judge what I say or not say to him, or how I express myself. I guess part of my lack of trust is to place people I am unsure about in a compartment where I don't humanize them. He is there for now. So that way if I need to walk away I can at a moments notice. If I was involved in the need for caring process this would not be possible.
Does that answer your question. I am not sure a thread is necessary but if you think so i will start one. I must admit I am not all that keen on any transference with my t. Probably why we are at an impasse.
And I guess if I examined the motivation of him offering to treat me for free then I would have to conclude he cares. I choose to still think of him thinking I am like a science experiment to him . But I think that is not true. Because the other day he email me to tell me he enjoyed the movie I had recommended to him. How about that a pdoc email you without you emailing him first. So I guess he at least respects me. Yes, that is what I think. I did tell my sister that for right now, I think sometimes he is the only one in my corner IRL. As far as seeing me as a person versus mom or wife.
So I guess I have refused to see any regard until this thread. I wanted to maintain keeping him in his compartment in case I wanted to walk.
Thanks for the thread. It has, maybe reluctantly, opened my eyes to more in my relationship than I cared to admit. I have tried to be an island for far too long.
rsk
And I understand the dollar thing. My p-doc isn't in my network so I pay most of his expenses out of pocket and he isn't cheap.
Posted by lucie lu on July 5, 2008, at 12:17:00
In reply to On Regard, posted by backseatdriver on July 3, 2008, at 14:11:58
From HF and other posters, I gather the word regard is most closely associated with Carl Rogers. While my T describes his orientation as psychodynamic, I can see that he tries to be warmer, more supportive and interactive than a more analytically-oriented T might be. I guess he's more eclectic.
I have read that positive regard was Rogers' overall term for love, affection, attention, nurturance etc. Since these clearly describe what my T shows me, I guess I have to accept the responsibility for my difficulties in being able to take in what he offers me, at least in terms of regard.
So this regard thing is more than semantics to me. In that session not long ago where my T asked me several times whether "I really can't feel his regard for me," part of my problem was not understanding of exactly what regard meant. It sounded like a curiously formal and rather neutral term. Now I have a better idea of what it means and feel that maybe I can try harder to let his "regard" inside me to do its work :)
Thanks all for your thoughts, Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on July 5, 2008, at 12:22:31
In reply to Re: On Regard » lucie lu, posted by rskontos on July 4, 2008, at 14:49:35
Rsk - thanks for the clarification. You said we're talking about your pdoc, is he your T as well? I think you said in another post that you haven't been seeng him too long, was that right?
If so, maybe for now it might represent progress for you just to be able to accept his good will and intentions. Sounds like he does have them towards you. The rest may come with time when you are ready.Lucie
Posted by rskontos on July 5, 2008, at 13:52:05
In reply to Re: On Regard » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on July 5, 2008, at 12:22:31
Yes Lucie, my pdoc is also my t. Convenient for meds I must admit.
No I haven't been with him too long and I called him in crisis. I was dissociating all over the place, I was a basket case. He almost passed me off to someone else but in the end he decided to treat me. I asked him why he didn't before I decided to stay with him and he was honest then as he is now. I would say he not too cold. He probably reacts the way he does because of me. I am a very touch me not, stay in your space I will stay in mine all is good and he knows that and respects it. He knows DD well and has treated many over the years so I think that is why he is the way he is. He knows how much I can and can't handle. He is and always has been respectful.
I have made progess. And yes the conversation regarding me leaving makes me know his has good will and intentions. He wants to see me whole. I am the one that maintains wholeness is an concept that I can't fathom. Part of me doesn't want it. I like my dissociation at times.
He though does seem to know when to call me on it and when to say it is ok. I must admit he has apologized more times than I for when things go wrong.
rsk
Posted by nfc on July 7, 2008, at 9:01:03
In reply to Re: On Regard » lucie lu, posted by rskontos on July 4, 2008, at 14:49:35
--I have tried to be an island for far too long.
hey RK,
what island? I'll come fly over and pick you up. :D I meant that in a help you out way. :)
sorry if this is dumb post,
nfc
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