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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
I posted earlier about my therapist, being angry at me and yelling at me.
Today he started adding all these conditions about the way I have to behave or else he is not going to work with me. They are not even things about normal therapy boundaries.
They were more like "you can't get angry at me," "you can't attack me", etc., etc.
I don't understand how I am supposed to stop transference or just things that happen.I am so upset. I do not know what to do.
He has hurt me so badly. I feel like such a horrible person, which I already knew!
I tried to leave, but I felt so depressed. All I did was think about him, even though I really did not want to see him again....but then I went back.
I feel hurt and bad about myself worse than before.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 26, 2008, at 23:46:12
In reply to I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
LT, as I was reading the earlier thread I was thinking that things didn't sound too good with this T and your newer thread concerns me even more. Did you ever attack him physically or any other really serious breach? Most likely you haven't and he may just have his own personal problems, like not being able to handle anger expressed at him (some T's have a lot of trouble with it). Which may not be helpful for your therapy in the long run and maybe and you'd do better with someone else anyway. Also a good T should be able to establish boundaries where they are both therapeutic and tolerable - and should be able to do so without leaving you feeling attacked and in such distress. Whether this T is a nut case, inept, or just not the right T for you - he shouldn't be leaving you in this state. Hang in there, sweetie, and then maybe start looking elsewhere for a new T.
Best, Lucie
Posted by star008 on June 27, 2008, at 2:43:58
In reply to I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
know, sometimes we go back to people who aren't right for us and who hurt us cuz maybe we are afraid to be alone or maybe we are afraid to tell them that we don't want to tsee them again?? I really hope you find a new T..Don't even discuss the change with the old one.. YOu shouldn't be feeling bad and hurt.;
Posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2008, at 12:31:26
In reply to Re: I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by star008 on June 27, 2008, at 2:43:58
That was why I quit theraphy as was better before I went and no attacks verbally or otherwise just no follow up and she never remembered goals for the inbetween time and that hurts too. Good luck. Phillipa
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 27, 2008, at 15:38:41
In reply to I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
Oh, sweetie: he is abusive; it is that simple; you should never feel bad about yourself after being with a therapist; he is supposed to HELP you, not hurt you.
Love, Sassy
Posted by seldomseen on June 27, 2008, at 16:27:03
In reply to I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
Well, a therapist can certainly insist that you not attack them - trained for it or not, I think that is a legitimate boundary.
On the other hand, it is pretty unrealistic for him to declare that you can't get mad at him either. For me at least, anger was a part of my therapy and sometimes it was directed (through transference or otherwise) at my therapist. It still is sometimes, but we work it out.
Your statement about not understanding how to stop the transference or just things that happen seems to me like something that you need to let your therapist know - that you need some help with what he has asked you to do.
I hear you when you say that you are very hurt. I'll be the first to admit that therapy can really really suck.
However, it's always your choice about whether stay or to go. Personally, I think if you could stick it out and potentially see this issue through to resolution it may really be beneficial.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on June 27, 2008, at 18:06:20
In reply to I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
I always hesitate to advise someone to ditch a therapist, since in this milieu it is difficult to see the entire picture. Certainly some of what you describe sounds problematic. At the very least in terms of forming a therapeutic alliance.
Is this a therapist you trust and respect? Can you see trust and respect developing? If you can't, then it doesn't really matter whether he's *right* or *wrong*. It just matters that this is not the right approach for you.
I talk a lot about fighting with my therapist. A lot of what I say is based on my own definitions of fighting. He would give a completely different account of the session. There are the bare facts, what exactly was said, etc., and then there are conclusions based on those facts. "He meant this" or "She meant that" are conclusions, and may vary a whole lot. Were my therapist to come to this forum and start posting about my sessions, I can guarantee you that no one would know that we were discussing the same relationship.
The therapy relationship is like any other relationship. A certain meshing of strengths/weaknesses/style/etc. is necessary. If you don't have this with this therapist, it might not be right for you.
Is this a relationship pattern you often find yourself in? Do you often find that other people accuse you of being more negative than you think you are? If so, and if you want to discuss this with this therapist, then here's a good opportunity to learn why you end up in a position you don't understand.
Would other people think your therapist must be insane, because what he is saying about you is so far from what everything else says about you that he is clearly mistaken, or else drawing from you an unusual reaction?
So maybe there are at least a few questions you can ask yourself? And I'm sure others can think of others.
Is this a relationship pattern you often find yourself in? Is this experience a not uncommon one for you?
Is this a person you respect enough to want to work with? Can you ever develop the sort of positive regard towards him you need for a therapist?
If you narrow your thoughts down to just your behaviors and set aside ideas that you're a horrible person, are there things about your behaviors that he is correct in asking you to stop? You said that he said something equivalent to "you can't get angry with me". Clearly that would be impossible. Every one gets angry with people in their lives often enough. And yes, with those who encourage transference if only from the situation, our reactions can be magnified. This does not make you a horrible person. But there are behavioral boundaries that any therapist might set. My therapist encourages my occasional anger towards him. But if I were constantly verbally attacking him, or physically attacking him of course, he probably would reach a point where he would set limits. Just as if I were sexually aggressive with him. He has been entirely clear that he does not consider it part of his job description to be on the receiving end of behavior that he does not feel is conducive to a positive therapeutic experience or growth on my part.
It has nothing to do with you being a horrible person. I am not sure if I believe that there are horrible people. There are behaviors that are problematic. Sometimes when I say "they said this, so I must be a horrible person" I am really diverting the underlying problem. I am beating myself up for being a horrible person, which is something I and everyone else would eventually conclude is not likely. And in doing so I'm *not* looking at what behaviors I might need to change. I have no idea if this is something you do or not. I'm only offering my own experiences.
If you do not see any reason for him to say these things, or set these limits, it might be useful for you to inquire about how he gained that impression. My therapist thought a lot of bad things about me at one point. But when we discussed *why* he felt this way, we were not only able to get past it, but I discovered what inadvertent messages I was sending. That helps me in other relationship.
It's hard, Looney Tunes. I have decided on several occasions that a mental health professional's style would not suit me. Perhaps each would have been a learning experience for me had I stayed. But there was nothing about them that called to me particularly and made working on those issues something I wished to do with them.
I want to be clear that I am just offering these questions as a way to frame your question of whether to stay or go. I have no earthly idea if there are any problematic behaviors on your part or not.
But I do think it might be useful on his part and yours to discuss this in terms of behaviors rather than feelings or judgments. Just my own Montessori mom thoughts.
Posted by raisinb on June 30, 2008, at 13:38:54
In reply to I'm crying my eyes out ~ my therapist, posted by Looney Tunes on June 26, 2008, at 21:48:02
Actually, my therapist just set a very similar boundary with me. Her point of view was that sessions had become nothing but me telling her what was wrong with her, rather than focusing on me and my feelings, which was not productive (according to her).
The distinction is really fuzzy, of course. I still express anger and hurt all the time, but more in terms of how I feel. Like, "when you're silent, it makes me feel abandoned and alone."
It sounds like your therapist has done some questionable things, and it also sounds like you're attached to him. I think only you can make the decision.
I have to say that I'm glad my therapist set that boundary. It jumpstarted my therapy into another level. But the point is, she did it because she's on the side of what's good for the therapy, not just because she didn't want to be attacked.
Of course, I was furious when she did it, and it could easily have backfired.
This is the end of the thread.
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